The D Spot

Do you remember playing Truth or Dare when you were a teenager?  What did you prefer, telling a truth or accepting the challenge of a dare?

To be completely honest, I was afraid of both, which is probably why I avoided this game at all costs growing up.  And all through my marriage I found myself still avoiding both of these options.

But divorce changed all that; it tends to do that.  Moving through and forward after divorce is the fastest way to conquer your fear of speaking your truth and daring to do what you have never done before.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about all the ways that we allow fear to hold us back from what we want and are meant to do.  And I have decided that I will no longer allow it to prevent me from experiencing what I want in my life.

Last weekend I did something that I have wanted to do for a long time but have always made excuses as to why I couldn’t do it.  I participated in my first Warrior Dash.  The Warrior Dash is an obstacle run.  It is a 5K run with about 10 obstacle challenges along the course.

While I take care of myself and am pretty fit, the thought of the Warrior Dash was a little intimidating for me.  And yet, at the same time, it has always looked like something really fun to do.  So in the spring, I posted a call to action on my facebook page to see if anyone would like to do it with me. To be honest, I got a lot of people telling me how fun it looked; but I did not get many who wanted to commit to doing it with me.  Despite the lack of commitment by others, I wasn’t going to give up.

Eventually, a lovely woman who I went to high school with jumped in and said she would love to join; we hadn’t really connected in almost 20 years and I was delighted to seize this opportunity!  Then, a friend and colleagues said she would love to join as well.  By the end of the summer we had six women on our team, three that I had never met before.  We decided to name our team, Dash Divas.

So last weekend, I found myself standing at the Starting Line of my first Warrior Dash with my six Dash Divas, all of us doing something scary for the first time.  And it was a blast!

We were nervous, and excited, and committed to finishing together…leaving no woman behind!  Here we are crossing the finish line!!

I was so proud of myself, so proud of us.  Daring to do something we have all wanted to do;  challenging ourselves to fight through our nerves and our fear!

Life during and after divorce is full of opportunities to dare ourselves to live the life we imagine, and deserve; if we choose to see those opportunities and take advantage of them.

It can be comfortable to stay where we are, even if it is not where we really want to be.  Moving forward is uncomfortable and frightening, but everything you want is on the other side of fear.  And the only way to get there is to step out of your comfort zone.

So, I dare you.

 I dare you to do something you have always wanted to do.

I dare you to look for opportunities that scare you, and to face your fear and do it anyway.

I dare you to be uncomfortable, knowing that what you really want is on the other side of it.

I dare you to speak your truth.

I dare you to push yourself harder than anyone else will.

I dare you to be vulnerable and scared, we all are.

I dare you to take risks, because you will grow from them.

I dare you to let go of what was, because your future is waiting for you.

I dare you to open yourself up to new friends, new experiences and new love.

I dare you to ask for the support you deserve.

I dare you to express your desires out loud.

I dare you do just one thing every day that moves you towards the life you imagine.

I dare you to be YOU…because you are magnificent; you are brilliant, bold and courageous beyond measure.

Together, just like me and my Dash Divas, we will boldly move forward, leaving no woman behind.

You are not alone.  We are in this together!

I was thrilled to see that Oprah hosted a two hour special of her Next Chapter series last Sunday with the man who truly changed my life after divorce, Tony Robbins.

The first hour of the special followed Oprah as she experienced Tony’s signature event, Unleash the Power Within.  It was so much fun for me to watch!  About a year after my divorce, I enrolled in the Anthony Robbins Mastery University, a series of events and training that took over two years to complete.  And it changed my life.

As I sat and watched Oprah’s experience, I realized that she and I had something in common.  We both had the privilege and benefit of participating in a Tony Robbins event.

The second hour of her show was an interview with Tony to talk primarily about her “A-ha” moments during the event, which were many.  Having gone through the experience myself, I thought I would share three of Tony’s powerful messages that we both learned through our work with him and how you can apply them in your life…today.

1. The only think holding you back is the story that you tell yourself about why it can’t happen.

We all have a “story”.  Your story is made up of the many experiences you have had that together create the fabric that has become your life.  Our stories are usually true; the events and experiences truly did happen.  However, it is the meaning we choose to apply to our story going forward that can hold us back from all that we are meant to be.  It is the embellishment that we make to “the story” that speaks to us saying, “I can’t do this because”, “I will never be able to have that”, or “that’s impossible”.

For example, it is true, I am divorced.  In the same way that you may have been emotionally abused, physically abused or are divorced as well.  The facts of our experiences are undeniable, and true.  However, they are not the reason for why we can’t do, be and create our life in the way that we desire.  Our story is our past, and has brought us to today; it does not define our future.

When we can embrace our story and use its lessons to guide our future, we will have created an empowering story that opens up the world for us.

 Action Step: take out a piece of paper and put “My Empowering Story” at the top.  Then set a timer for 30 minutes and begin writing your empowering story.  Do not stop until the timer goes off.

2. It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.

Everything begins with a decision.  It is in the moment of your decision that your plan for the future will begin to unfold.  Yes, creating your destiny will take action, discipline and commitment, but it begins with a decision to do, be or create something.

When moving forward after divorce, so many individuals become stuck in the pre-decision state.  It is not that they don’t want to move forward or hope that things will get better, but they have not made an active decision to do it.

Once you have made a decision, whatever the decision, you will have set your destiny in motion.  You may not yet have figured out the “how” to make it happen, but you will have released the intention and the energy that will guide you there.

 Action Step:  on another piece of paper, write down two decisions you are prepared to make.  For each of these decisions, write a paragraph of WHY you have made the decision and what it will mean for you…and your destiny.

 3. When going through a tough time you are in what can be called a personal “winter”.  Like any other season you will not only get through it, but you can decide to grow through it.

We are in winter.  We are in a worldwide economic and financial winter; and for many of us who are going through and moving forward after divorce, we may be experiencing a personal winter as well.

What do we know about winter?  Well…we know it is a season, and that seasons always end.  Winters are time for skiing, staying warm, “hibernating”, reading, learning and preparing ourselves for when spring comes.

Winter is not permanent.  It is temporary and has an end.

When we go through our own personal winters, we can find comfort in knowing that they are temporary and we will move through them; coming out on the other side.  And while we move through it, we are not helpless.  We can prepare ourselves for the coming spring; we can set a strong foundation for growth.  This shift in perception from feeling permanently stuck to the freedom of temporary, will allow you to take action during a time when it may feel helpless.

 Action Step: on a final piece of paper, make a list of all that you can do during your “personal winter” to prepare yourself for spring.  What would it mean if you could accomplish them all?

These are only three of the profound and empowering messages and lessons that both Oprah and I have gained from our experiences with Anthony Robbins.

I have incorporated many of his lessons and his models into what I do at the D Spot and am privileged to be able to share them with you as I support you along your journey.

As you apply these to your lives, please let me know if they have made a difference for you!

Most people regard divorce as a major step, not to be undertaken lightly. No surprise there. But here’s where it gets interesting; usually, the people most hurt by the marriage, throughout the marriage, have the greatest difficulty in letting go.

Why should that be?

You’d think – wouldn’t you? – that the more criticism, humiliation and ill treatment someone receives from their partner, the faster they would call time on their marriage. You’d think they’d skip all the way to their lawyer’s office… You’d think, once the divorce was over, they’d just ‘wash that man right out of their hair. End of story.

Sadly, it doesn’t work like that.

Instead, something very strange happens. The worse the treatment was, the more likely the ill treated spouse is to become a ‘hopium addict’. This happens because of a curious, and insufficiently understood mechanism: if someone is prepared to hang around in the marriage and excuse a partner’s bad behavior, they quickly fall prey to hopium addiction.

Hopium addiction – as the name suggests – can be a very hard habit to break

From the outside, it just doesn’t make sense. You’d think someone would be able to see when their partner has stopped caring about their feelings, and their ultimate well being.

You’d expect logic to kick in, and point out to them that their partner has set the relationship on a downward spiral, which simply gathers momentum, with each hurtful episode. You’d expect them to realize that direction isn’t going to change simply because they want it to.

You’d imagine they would compare the enemy they live with, with the lover they married, and get the message that the good times are over.

But, all too often, they don’t.

Instead, they wait for Mr. or Ms. Nasty to ‘flip’ back into the person who was on their best behavior just long enough to woo and wed them. They make endless excuses for the hostile behavior, and they fantasize –endlessly – about having superpowers to, singlehandedly, stop the relationship hurtling towards disaster… Even divorce may not be enough to end their enmeshment with an abusive partner.

Why, oh why do they do it?

Why don’t they see sense?

Remember the saying: “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of” (Blaise Pascal)?

They’d call it love, of course. The truth is far more complicated than that. There’s a lot of anger, and dislike, even loathing that they feel for the spouse they can’t bear to let go of.

Reasons they can’t move on include:

Fear of failure: they tell themselves that since the marriage ended they’ve failed, and the World will see them as failures. Marriage is always a “two-hander”. One partner cannot bear sole responsibility for making the marriage work – however much the other partner projects blame and fault. The World is not privy to what actually happened in the relationship, and the World doesn’t really care. If you had the right to choose your view of the world – and you do have that right – you could divide it into Those Who Judge, and Those Who Care. Which group would you rather associate with, and give credence to? The marriage failed. Actually, you didn’t. Getting out is the only positive, successful thing you could do.

Fear of spending the rest of their life unloved and alone: Obviously, they have yet to realize they will never feel more unloved and alone than they do in a destructive marriage. They have yet to admit to themselves just how desperately unhappy they have been in their marriage. A bad marriage is a prison sentence. Once that marriage ends, the prison door is ajar, but you still have to push it open wide, and walk out, before you can enjoy the sunshine and smell the roses.

Failure to envision a better future: their unhappiness and hopium addiction have put blinders on them. As a result, they have forgotten how to dream. They’ve even forgotten that dreams are free. The ‘future’ they think they see is simply the misery of the past projected forward into infinity. In fact, once they put themselves out of the misery of the relationship, and clear the Misery Mind-set from their head – which is, actually, very doable, given the right help – Life can only get better. And they will find they have a capacity for enjoyment that may well AMAZE them.

“Axe phobia” : “Axe phobia” is the sense of paralyzing foreboding that occurs when you feel you are living with a axe suspended over your head, hanging by a thread. The fear is that if you take action, any action, it will be enough to break that thread, causing the axe to fall straight onto your head.

It’s much more helpful to acknowledge “axe phobia” and react by asking yourself some much better questions like:

• Do I know for a fact that the disaster I fear will happen?
• If I chose to overlook the disaster scenario, what lessons for the future might I learn from this relationship experience?
• What else might my foreboding anxiety mean?

You only have to ask yourself intelligent questions, instead of mindlessly listening to the old doom-and-gloom soundtrack in your head, to arrive at far useful thoughts, and conclusions.

If you’re struggling to let go of a bad marriage cut yourself some slack. It’s perfectly human – and usual, in the circumstances – to feel the way you do. Just bear in mind that doesn’t make your fears and anxieties true. Your fears for the future are simply past experience projected onto the empty screen of the future. Why not choose what you project, and start to project scenarios that will give you more pleasure – and inspire you to create a better life for yourself?

International speaker and writer, Annie Kaszina is rapidly becoming the voice of women who have been in emotionally abusive relationships. Annie helps women to stop treating themselves as second class citizens and settling for abusive relationships, so they can raise their expectations and self-worth, enjoy the happiness they deserve, and create a wonderful relationship with a quality partner. Over the last 10 years, Annie has enabled many hundreds of women to heal from the trauma of Emotional Abuse. If you’re struggling to get over the damage of an emotionally abusive marriage, Annie Kaszina can help. You can find out more here: http://RecoverFromEmotionalAbuse.com, or claim your free copy of: “The Secret Dictionary of Abusive Men” here: http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/go/

What an AWESOME week!

On October 4 I had the privilege and pleasure to be a presenter at a fabulous event called Convention Eleven: An Empowerment Conference for Women! It was an entire day devoted to women, empowerment and reclaiming our power!  My workshop was on Falling in Love with you and Your Life and we had a blast!

I hadn’t intended it but midway through the workshop, we got focused on what gives us our swagger.

For those of you who don’t know, swagger is defined by Urban Dictionary as “how one presents him or her self to the world. Swagger is shown by how the person handles a situation. It can also be shown in the person’s walk.” Essentially, it is slang for MOJO and the way in which we put ourselves out there.

During our time together we explored what swagger is to us. For some it was wearing high heals, for others it was fabulous new lipstick. For some it wasn’t physical appearance related at all, it was the completion of a project or overcoming a challenge.  We looked back in our lives to a time when we felt that the world was ours to own…a time when endless opportunity and possibilities lay in front of us and we knew deep in our hearts that we could accomplish anything. And then, we took careful note of what we did back then; what we wore, how we spent our time, what thoughts ran through our minds and the way we presented ourselves to the world.

Together we reminisced, we giggled and we reclaimed our SWAGGER!

It got me thinking about the D Spot, and why I have chosen to do what I do. Listening to the women as they shared what made them feel good, confident and sexy, I was reminded of exactly why I created the D Spot. And today I want to share that with you!

Do you know where your D Spot is? Better yet, do you even know what the D Spot is?

When I first began my business, I defined the D Spot as the point at which divorce ends and your destiny begins.

Awesome, right? I love this definition and all of the principles I speak, teach and write about, as well as coach clients with, are built on its foundation.

However, I have recently begun to add-on to this definition as I don’t feel that it speaks strongly enough to the beauty, excitement and seduction of the journey during and after divorce.

As I move along my own journey through and after divorce, I am reminded all the time that the D Spot is far more than that. The D Spot is really about creating a sexy, juicy life as you move forward after divorce.

It is the spot within you that may have lay dormant during your marriage and even immediately following, and is now ready to reclaim its position in your life.

The D Spot is the place within you that you sometimes pretend isn’t there. That piece of you that wants to do, be and experience things that you tell yourself you don’t deserve, and can’t have. It is also the piece of you that knows what you really want…and that you CAN have it all.

As you move through and after divorce, you will find yourself on a journey to discover your D Spot. The authenticity of who you are…the reality of what you want. This is at the core of what your new life will look like and will become the foundation on which it is built. It is the force within you that wants to play, touch, feel and experience uninhibited joy, desire and fulfillment.

It is possible that along this journey you will feel the greatest discomfort. However, with this discomfort will come your greatest growth.

The key is to focus your attention and energy on what will be instead of what was. Take a few minutes to reflect on who you really are at your core…who you know you are meant to be! To all of the things that make you feel good, that make you giggle, that make you feel sexy, silly and strong.

You are meant to and CAN live a happy, healthy, juicy, sexy, vibrant, exciting, passionate, meaningful, curious and colorful life!

So, let me ask again…do you know where your D Spot is? What would it mean if you found it?!

Yes, you heard me. Everything you need to create your new and ideal life you learned in your marriage.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized this. But as it happens, it’s true.

It doesn’t matter what your marriage was like, you are and will learn everything you need to know from it.

While I was married I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I even thought that while I wasn’t perfect, I was certainly not to blame for the demise of my marriage…that it was clearly not my fault.

As it turns out, none of these are exactly true. I didn’t know at all what I was doing, I didn’t really know what I want (and need), I had no idea of how to get it and although the divorce was not my “fault”….I absolutely contributed to the deterioration of my marriage.

Looking back now, I realize that my divorce was the catalyst for massive personal growth and that ultimately, my ability to live the life I have now, my ideal life, I owe to all that I learned in my marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t come to this realization easily…nor was the learning process easy either. Before I recognized that my divorce gave me everything I needed to create what I have now, I first went through the pain of it:

• asking myself how it could happen to me
• defending my position as a “victim”
• trying to figure out what would come next
• wondering if I was ever going to find love again
• managing the challenges of co-parenting
• worrying about how to support myself financially

The list went on and on.

I was so immersed on all that was happening to me and consumed by the inequity of it all that I didn’t realize how out of focus I had become.

All I knew was that I had lost my sizzle….my mojo, my “sexy”! I was tired and uninspired. My divorce was over, the papers signed and it was now in my past, but nothing was changing.

And then I reached the moment. The moment when I had enough. The thing about me is that when I have had enough…I mean ENOUGH, I must take massive action.

The problem is that I wasn’t sure what to do, and what actions to take. I had been in therapy for a long time, which had given me the opportunity to explore, review and assess what I had gone through, but now I was ready to make a move. I wanted to move forward and to reclaim my sizzle…get my MOJO and sexy back! It was time.

My journey began with a fabulous life coach who helped me to get clear on what actions to take…and why. But the amazing thing about it was that it was while working with her that I realized that I had learned everything I needed to know through my marriage and its deterioration. I couldn’t believe it.

I had been focusing on the pain, the loss, and all that I no longer had, instead of on what I wanted, needed and now knew.

While you may not know it yet, here is what you are and will learn as you move through and after your divorce:

You will learn what is most important to you.

I truly believed when I began dating my husband and as we started our life together, that I knew what was most important to me. Whether as a woman, wife or mother-to-be, I would have sworn that I knew exactly what it was supposed to look and feel like.

And yet, what I thought mattered most at that time was not accurate, and does not hold true today.

I hadn’t fully known my values and priorities. I thought I did, but it wasn’t without incredibly hard work and being completely honest with myself that I learned my core values.

Over the course of my marriage, and through my increasing unhappiness, I realized that I had not, in fact, really known what mattered most. I had been guided by what I believed “should” matter most. If I knew then what I know now, my decisions and choices would have been vastly different. I know now what does matter most and it is this knowledge that has become the foundation upon which my new, amazing life has been built.

You learn what your greatest weaknesses are.

It is not that I thought I was “perfect”, but it wasn’t until my marriage ended and I began my journey towards creating what would come next that I truly learned what role I had played in its demise. The more I reflected on, explored and worked to understand what had happened in my marriage, the more I learned about me…the good, and the not so good.

It was easy at the time to blame my husband for our marriage failing and to defend my role it in. But that wasn’t fair. We both contributed to its demise; and while he may or may not assume responsibility for his part, it was and is important for me to take responsibility for mine. What we often don’t realize is that taking responsibility for our weaknesses will never diminish anyone else’s bad behavior. Instead it just makes us stronger, wiser and ready for the juicy new life that is waiting for us!

I can’t say that this part of the journey has been my favorite; it is sometimes painful to become aware of and accountable for our imperfections. I can say that the more I understand my imperfections, the more I embrace them. And the more I embrace them, the more I am able to grow and evolve, turning them into attributes that allow me to strengthen the relationships in my life and enjoy far more wonderful experiences than ever before.

You learn who you are and who you are not.

I hardly recognize the woman who was the “wife” in my marriage. As I mentioned, she had lost her sizzle, mojo and “sexy”! It happened slowly over time as I worked hard to be the kind of wife and mother that I believe I “should” be.

I didn’t know who I was at my core, and therefore there was no way for me to be able to walk fully in the power of my amazingness! I wanted to be and do everything for everyone, waiting for affirmation of my hard work and sacrifice and to be granted permission to do and be all the things that make me giggle with joy!

Unfortunately, because I entered my marriage without knowing who I really was and am, there was no way that our union could work. And while my marriage did not work, the journey of learning who I am has opened the door to a life that I could have only imagined and that has allowed me bring my mojo and sexy back to all of the roles I have!

You learn all that you don’t know.

This was the most challenging thing to learn and yet at the same time, it was in learning how much I don’t know that the spark of curiosity in my soul was ignited.

When your marriage dissolves and you go through the process of divorce, you quickly realize how much you don’t know. During that time I found myself asking the same question over and over again, “how did I get here?”

I simply didn’t know. I didn’t know what had happened. And now, I didn’t know who to be, what to do and how to do it. So I started asking questions. I became curious. Before long my curiosity had taken over. I wanted to learn about me, what I do and why. I wanted to learn how to make choices that would be great for me. I also wanted to learn about those around me; my children, my friends, my family and men. I wanted to understand why they do what they do.

In my quest to understand, I have learned that there are amazing people and resources to support me along my journey and to help me be a better woman, mother, partner and friend.

I am still aware of how little I know and I take every opportunity to learn and to grow. It is this curiosity that has become the catalyst for my growth and has opened up amazing opportunities and possibilities.

As we enter the final quarter of 2011, I hope you will join me on a journey to understand all that you have learned through your marriage, and divorce, so that together we can create a foundation upon which your new and SPECTACULAR life will be built!

When is the last time you made “shift” happen?

When is the last time you recognized that things might not be going the way that you want them to go and rather than make excuses for why they aren’t or sit back and accept that this is the way your life is supposed to be (the “I am a victim in my own life” approach), instead assume responsibility and take massive action to turn things around?

I don’t mean hoping that tomorrow will be a better day than today or wishing that you had better luck, I mean MASSIVE action?

Let me explain what I mean.

Have you ever ended a relationship only to look back and see all the things that “should have” been red flags that you ignored at the time? And now know that having been unable to “see” the red flags resulted in your staying in a relationship that didn’t serve you far longer than you needed to be.

Has this ever happened to you?

Falling out of flow, or disconnecting from your Power of Intention while you are moving through divorce is a similar experience.

Have you ever find yourself wondering why you are not in the relationship you desire, why you are facing mounting financial challenges, why you are unable to enjoy a fun and sexy social life, or why you avoid taking the steps to living a healthy and fit life?

Or, perhaps you are feeling like things never go your way?

While you may have felt this way when you were in your marriage, many of you may be experiencing these emotions now as you move through or forward after your divorce.  And chances are, you have been slowly disconnecting from your own FLOW for a long time.

Ending a long term relationship or marriage and going through a divorce often disrupts our connection with our FLOW and disconnects us from our Power of Intention.

As I mentioned last week, if you want to read a fabulous book about the Power of Intention, pick up or download Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way. If this entire concept is new to you, I promise that you will enjoy it as a wonderful introduction to taking control of your own destiny!

What I really want to share with you is not just how easy it is to lose sight that the best is yet to come, even if you can’t see it yet, but more importantly, the ways in which you can shift your thinking NOW to help open the door to all that will be as you begin to create your new life!

The following is taken from Dr. Dyer’s book and are four ways of thinking that can prevent you from reaching for and connecting to your Power of Intention and the ways you can SHIFT your thoughts to open to all that can be:

• Thinking about what is missing in your life. To match up with intention, you first have to catch yourself in that moment you’re thinking about what’s missing. Then shift to intention. Not what I find missing in my life, but to what I absolutely intend to manifest and attract into my life – with no doubts, no waffling, and no explaining!
• Thinking about the circumstances of your life. If you don’t like some of the circumstances of your life, by all means don’t think about them. You must train your imagination to shift from what you don’t want to what you do want. All of that mental energy you spend complaining about what is – to anyone who will listen – is a magnet for attracting more of what is into your life.
• Thinking about what has always been. When your inner speech focuses on the way things have always been, you act upon your thoughts of what has always been, and the universal all-creating force continues to deliver what has always been. Make a shift and catch yourself when you’re focusing on what always has been, and move your inner speech to what you intend to manifest.
• Thinking about what “they” want for you. There’s probably a long list of people who have strong ideas about what you should do, how you should be thinking and what you should feel. Practice catching yourself when you have a thought of what others want for you, and ask yourself, Does this expectation match up with my own? Shift your attention away from what other want or expect for you to how you want to live your life.

I hope that this gives you just few tools for making “shift” happen!

You are not meant to be sad, lonely, “un-fun”,angry, resentful, uninterested and closed off.   Take a few minutes to remember who you really are at your core…who you know you are meant to be!

You ARE meant to live a happy, healthy, juicy, sexy, vibrant, exciting, passionate, meaningful, curious and colorful life!  Together we will put these principles and more into practice to turn your new reality into the foundation for your amazing future!

I did it!

As I have already shared with you, the first half of the summer I found myself getting off track and had to refocus, reframe and regroup to get back on track.

For the past two and half weeks, my kid’s have been on a summer vacation with their father.  At first I was a bit emotional about the length of time that they would be away, especially because the three of us had just come off of a few weeks of more than usual conflict and unpleasantness. I never like separating from my kids when we are disconnected and emotionally charged so this was a challenge for me.

However, when I took some time to reflect, I realized that the Universe was granting me the opportunity to relax, reconnect with MYSELF, and process the events of the prior month.

I called each of my children, told them how very much I love them and was sorry that we had experienced such a difficult time, and shared with them that although I would miss them, that the two and a half weeks they would be away would be a great way for us all to regroup and meditate on all that had happened. I made a commitment to them that I would relax and reflect and that when vacation was over, we would sit down and talk about it looking forward not back…and without so much emotion.

So, what did I do you ask?

Well, I did exactly what I told my children (and myself) that I would do. I took these two and a half weeks without them as an opportunity to spend some time on all the areas of my life that need my attention. I took time to regroup, renew and reinvent…basically, to “walk my talk”!

I spent the first week refueling and regrouping. I went to bed early, slept late, caught up with household tasks, read a few books and in all ways simply relaxed!

The second week I devoted myself to catching up with friends, working on my strategic plan for The D Spot (including the awesome fall programs and events I have coming up!), and getting ready for the release of my book, which by the way is happening NOW!

You can now purchase the book directly from my website, http://www.discoverthedspot.com/book.php! The estimated ship date to you is August 20th!!!

I should add that weaved into both weeks, I carved out special time for my wonderful boyfriend and partner so that we could connect emotionally, physically and recreationally. As I move along my own journey after divorce, creating time to share experiences and play together with my intimate partner has become an important priority.

The last few days of these fabulous two and half weeks I spent reflecting on my kids and the relationship that I share with them. Recognizing that they are a little older now, it is apparent that it is time for me to take our relationship to a new, much more transparent level.

As I look back at the turbulence of the early weeks of summer, I realize that there is nothing holding me back from being exactly the mother that want to be and creating exactly the kind of relationship I want with them. Not their father, not lack of time, not lack of resources…only my fear and hesitancy to stand in my truth and set the standard I expect from them. I had fallen prey to my own limiting fears and beliefs, allowing myself to feel like a “victim”.

When we fall into a “victim mentality”, there is very little that will go our way.

It took this time away…time for quiet, reflection and honest communication with myself, to take back my power as a magnificent woman and mother!!

I feel rested, re-energized and re-committed to creating my ideal life as I move towards the last weeks of summer and into the fall.

I hope you join me in taking time over the month of August to reflect, prepare and plan for the fall!

About a year after my divorce, I was fortunate to participate in Tony Robbins’ extraordinary program, Mastery University.  I would have to say that I went into this program reluctantly thinking, “I am not one of those people who needs to be told to think positive thoughts.” I wasn’t looking for motivation and certainly not a self-help guru.

What I really wanted was to figure out where I was going and what would come next. I felt sad, confused and completely overwhelmed by the enormity of the changes from the divorce and had no idea how to move forward.

It was actually my parents and brother who encouraged (actually pushed) me into registering for a “personal development program”. Looking back I think I was just the victim of an intervention!

It was by far the most uncomfortable thing I have ever done. I felt pathetic, scared and unable to understand why I was there. After all, I was fine. I just wanted to move forward and I didn’t need anyone’s help…I knew exactly what I needed to do.

The day I began Mastery University was the day that marked the true beginning of my new life.

The moment the program started, so did my tears. Tears, tears and more tears. I couldn’t imagine where they were all coming from. And as the tears flowed, I found the sadness and anger begin to leave my body. I began to breath, relax and open myself up to what would come next, not knowing at all what that would be.

Sometime over the next few days, we were asked to write about the blessings in our lives. My immediate reaction was that I have my children, my family, my health…beyond that I went blank.

At Tony Robbins events, there are many individuals available to support you through the exercises. One of these coaches saw that I wasn’t writing anymore and stopped to ask me how I was doing. I shared with him that I was recently divorced and trying to figure it all out. That I didn’t feel particularly “blessed”, but rather was grappling with all of the changes going on in my life, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and fear.

He asked me to use the remaining time to complete the sentence, “My divorce is a blessing because….”.

Hmmmm, what on earth was I supposed to do with this?  My divorce as a blessing?????

He told me to just keep writing…not to let my hand stop even if I thought I had nothing more to say. And so I did…and I haven’t stopped since.

Have you ever stopped to think about why or how your divorce is a blessing in your life?

I want to share with you just some of what I wrote that day, and a few of the reasons why my divorce is a blessing:

1.    The divorce journey taught me who I am and what I really want.
2.    I am able to live my truth, every day and in every way.
3.    I have learned to tap into the passion within me.
4.    I reclaimed who I am as a healthy and whole woman.
5.    I reconnected to the magnificence of ME!
6.    I rediscovered my sensuality and sexuality; opening the door to exploring my femininity.
7.    I stepped more fully and powerfully into my role as a mother.
8.    I learned how courageous and resilient I truly am.
9.    I discovered how strong I am.
10.  I became an exceptional communicator.
11.  I now know how to manage conflict and challenge, and have been able to  teach that to my children.
12.  I have deliberately created a new and fabulous life for myself.
13.  I now experience love in an entirely new, deep and amazing way.
14.  I found my life purpose.
15.  I took responsibility for who I am, good and bad, and learned how to become the person that I want to attract into my life.
16.  I learned how to forgive.
17.  I found grace, compassion and integrity.
18.  I discovered the power of choice.
19.  I no longer allow my emotions to control my words, actions and behavior.
20.  I took control of my destiny.
21.  I rediscovered joy and playfulness.
22.  I trust myself.
23.  I love myself.
24.  I believe in myself.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

This is only the beginning of my list of blessings…I add to them all the time. This exercise has become my daily practice of gratitude…for all that I have and all that I am.

If you have not taken time to reflect on the blessings of your divorce, I hope you will take a few minutes to begin your list. Write even if you feel like you have nothing to say.

And if you are having difficulty in finding the blessings of this most significant transition, give me a call…we can do it together!

I would love to hear from you and have you share your list of blessings!

What a month! Have you ever woken up one morning to find that you are way off track and moving in the wrong direction?

Today I want to share with you, openly and honestly, that despite knowing exactly how to live my ideal life and deliberately create what I want in my life, I woke up this week and realized that I had gotten pulled off my path.

Actually, to be brutally honest, I had allowed myself to get derailed and (gulp) I had, for a brief time, played the role of a victim.

Yes, ME!

It did not take me long to realize what had happened and to get back on track, but I recognize, once again, just how easy it is to take a wrong turn.

Divorce can create challenges even many years after it is “over”. Especially when there are children involved, the issues around co-parenting and communication can show up when you least expect it.

This summer my children’s sports schedules presented extremely complicated travel arrangements. Believing that my Ex would be open to coordinating the schedules with me, I sat back and made assumptions upon which I made decisions….decisions that did not turn out the way that I thought they would.

Instead of pro-actively planning my time the way I wanted to, I gave up my power and the result was not only having to cancel a trip that I had been planning for almost a year but needing to be away at tournaments four consecutive weekends in a row with one son and forfeiting most of my time with my other son for those four weeks.

I won’t go into all of the details (although there were many unpleasant moments during this time) but in the spirit of full disclosure, I admit that I had stepped fully into being a victim, feeling taken advantage of, being angry and acting sorry for myself. Not to mention being exhausted (emotionally and physically), overwhelmed and falling behind in many other areas of my life.

Have you ever gotten to this place?

It wasn’t until the morning after the final tournament that I woke up realizing that I had gotten way off track. That I was somewhere I didn’t want to be….and I had allowed it.

I was not a victim.
I was angry…but mostly at myself.
I had allowed it to happen.
I had not taken control of my own life.

The moment I took responsibility for getting off track, I was able to get myself right back to where I wanted to be. I have also learned a few valuable lessons, not only about myself, but about how I would like to move forward.

I was reminded again of just how easy it is to take that wrong turn…to end up someplace you don’t want to be. However, I also was reminded that it is my CHOICE of whether to remain stuck there or get myself right back on track. Our destiny is within our control. What happens next is a choice we make.

So today I am grateful. Grateful to have had this experience (I could have done without the self imposed misery for that few weeks!!!) so that I can not only share it with you, but support you as you face the moments you find yourself off track.

Oooohhh, I almost forgot! I wanted to share with you the new D Spot facebook page where you can see my daily thoughts, fun resources, updates on upcoming events… I would love to be connected with you in between each Dzine so I hope you will join me there! (and, go ahead and “like” it if you want…it always makes me feel good!) www.facebook.com/discoverthedspot

The celebration of July 4th this year really got me thinking!

Last month, a 20 year old young man from my town was killed in Afghanistan while serving our country. Upon hearing the news, I was overwhelmed by the loss of such a young soldier and gratitude for his ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and independence.

As we moved into the July 4th holiday weekend, I found myself doing more than my usual reflecting on this celebration of independence and what that really means to me.

The more I thought, the more I found that there is a deep connection between independence, freedom and divorce. And that it all truly begins within ourselves.

From a bigger perspective, I am profoundly aware of what it means to be free and independent of a government or dictatorship that strips us of our rights to speak freely, choose freely and live the life we desire. The recent loss of this young man confirms just how fortunate I am to have this freedom and how grateful I am to have it protected.

But as the holiday weekend continued, I found myself reflecting on the freedoms I have in my own life and what exactly independence means to me.

To help me, I first looked up the true definition of independence, which is “freedom from control or influence of another or others” and from there a flood of thoughts entered my mind.

I want to share with you some of the reflections that I had as I spent time journaling and exploring the relationship between divorce and independence/freedom:

1.   I am grateful to have the RIGHT to choose exactly how I want to live my life.

During the final stages of my marriage, I was often filled with an intense desire to break free of what I felt was a relationship and life that did not allow me to live the life I truly wanted. What I have learned since my divorce is that we all have the right to live the life we imagine and deserve, regardless of circumstance. And we have the power to do exactly that.

These years since my divorce have taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to choose and deliberately create the life I want to live. Not only is it my right, but it is a choice that I make each and every day remembering that there are people in the world who do not have that choice. I am grateful for this freedom.

2.   Freedom sometimes comes at a cost.

Getting divorced eliminated the “excuse” that my marriage prevented me from living my ideal life and the freedom to create my next chapter. While my divorce gave me the freedom to choose and took away this excuse, it also put the power of “what comes next” directly into my hands. No more excuses.

Since my divorce, I have learned what it means to be free to choose and to make decisions that will shape the direction of my life. What I never anticipated was what it would mean to make these many decisions and the challenges that come with complete freedom. Having complete freedom can also come with fear, insecurity and doubt, which left me taking time to explore, understand and learn how to manage this incredible new independence.

3.   Freedom can be overwhelming and frightening.

I was unprepared for the level of fear, insecurity and doubt that would come with my new freedom and independence. It was overwhelming. I felt “uneducated” for the decisions that I would need to now make, incompetent to make them, and insecure about how to move forward.

This “freedom” that once beckoned for me was now scaring me to death! Even these many years later, armed with the knowledge, confidence and skills as a coach, educator and author…I still have moments fear and doubt as I move to design my future. Only now I embrace these feelings and use them to face my fears and take control of my own destiny.

4.   Independence is at the core of creating our new lives after divorce.

It wasn’t long after my divorce that I began to understand what “personal independence” meant to me. It was financial independence, social independence, parental independence, romantic independence, professional independence…in fact; this independence began to weave itself into self reliance.

While searching for support to understand and take control of this overwhelming transition, I decided to try out this thing called a “life coach”.  And she changed my life. Instead of facing this daunting independence and self reliance alone and overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, I now began to face each piece of my new future with a plan for taking action towards designing my new life.

5. Independence can be taught and learned.

Working with my life coach was the first step towards my “education” in deliberate creation. Having never heard these words, I could not imagine what they meant?  However, my journey began by appreciating, understanding and assuming responsibility for my freedom and independence. It was brilliant!

This “education” has not only allowed me to create the life I lead…a life of joy, happiness, fulfillment and purpose, but to share it with others through the D Spot.

My divorce was the catalyst for massive change in my life, but more than anything, it gave me the motivation to learn how to live an ideal life. And now I get to share this with you!

I know that you must be thinking that I have taking this July 4th, Independence Day thing to an entirely crazy level! And you may be right!

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves taking what has always been an ordinary and common place occurrence, and experiencing it in a whole new way. This is what happened to me this year over the long holiday weekend!

I felt obliged to share it with you in the off chance that you may be having or will have a similar experience.

If you did, I hope you will share it with me so that we can, together, move through the life changing transition of divorce and create our ultimate destiny!!!