The D Spot

Happy belated July 4th!

So, here we are. Last week marked the halfway point of 2011 and what felt like the official start of summer with the long July 4th weekend.

I don’t know about you, but I found myself in a bit of a funk over the holiday weekend this year.

For whatever reason, my weekend had no “mojo”!  And as I took time to sit with my funkiness and reflect on why I was feeling this way, I was once again reminded of the long lasting effect that divorce on our lives.

I spent last Friday in the car driving my youngest son to a lacrosse tournament in Long Island where at the end of the tournament Saturday, my Ex took my son and returned home where he would have my kids for the balance of the weekend.

I tried to stay an extra night in the hopes that I could have a lovely holiday beach day on Sunday, but Mother Nature prevailed and I headed home only to find myself cleaning the house and doing the mundane tasks of laundry, grocery shopping, and errands….mostly feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t have anything “fun” to do!

I am fortunate to be in a relationship with a wonderful man but this was a funk that he didn’t create, nor was capable of or responsible for getting me out of. As he went about doing some of the things he loves (fishing, gardening…), I found myself feeling extremely sad.

Have you ever felt this way?

By Sunday night I had spent some time writing and was beginning to realize exactly what was going on. July 4th, Independence Day, symbolizes not only a weekend of family get-togethers and BBQ’s, but for me, an emphasis on freedom, independence and my right to live the life I imagine and deserve.

This year, with my children as teenagers and only having them half a week, I have been feeling not only their growing independence, but the resulting decrease in time that I see them, coupled with the recognition that the “right” to create my extraordinary life is sometimes daunting and frightening.

Divorce creates a tremendous amount of freedom, but that freedom can feel overwhelming and frightening.

An entire weekend to create fun and fabulous experiences and celebrations, and I had not planned one thing!!!  Well, shame on me!

After my divorce, many of my friendships changed.  Families I once shared holidays with no longer extended invitations to family and holiday get togethers.  My changing social life has required that I open myself up to new friendships and become the iniater of gatherings and celebrations. 

When my children are with me, I am more inspired to create holiday and social plans.   Without them over the July 4th weekend, I suddenly found myself without them or social plans, and I have to admit, I was feeling a bit lonely.  In fact, I was in a absolute FUNK!

Since my divorce, every so often something will trigger that sad, empty and lonely feeling that inevitably causes me to fall into a funk.   I immediately know when I have fallen into the  FUNK,  however happily, I have learned how and know exactly what to do to get myself right out of it!

So, I immediately took action!  I woke up on Monday morning, took a long and wonderful run outside, called a friend so that we could get together and enjoy the sunny day, and then she and I went out for a delicious bloody mary and steamers!

It is all about knowing what to do when we find ourselves in a funk …a funk that can cause us to remain stuck where we are…even paralyzing us from taking action.

Creating “what comes next” is not always easy, but it is ALWAYS in our control!

If you are finding yourself stuck in the sadness and fear, you are not alone.  However, you don’t have to remain there…there are great tools and strategies for pulling yourself right out of it!

If you have been feeling stuck in a funk, I hope you will consider my Summer Coaching Special so that you too can create the life you desire!!!

Spending time over last weekend with a group of women all with the desire to write a book and supporting each other to share their gifts and talents with the world, got me thinking about who I choose to surround myself with on a daily basis.

I have always enjoyed being part of a community.

And, it started early for me.

I grew up in a wonderful neighborhood and in particular, lived on a street where in the house next door, across the street and further down the street lived kids exactly the same ages as my brother and I.

We were a “pack” and spent endless hours playing outside together.  Us “girls” formed a secret club where we spent our time making secret handbooks and holding secret meetings.  It was a special group and we remain in touch even today.

As I grew older I continued to find myself part of all kinds of communities.

Eventually all of us on the street grew into our own passions and activities, spending less and less time together as a “pack”.  However, soon after I found myself part of a talented group of girls, my ballet performance troupe, and it was in this incredible community that I spent most of my youth.

Through high school, and college, my interests, areas of study and roommates provided me with safe, welcoming and comfortable communities.  Being part of something, belonging, allowed me to enjoy my life.

When I got married, I moved back to my hometown, where although comfortable having grown up there, I didn’t really know anyone living there as an adult.   So, I immediately got involved in my Synagogue and Jewish community.  My ex-husband is an avid golfer and we found ourselves joining the country club where we did much of our socializing.  When my children were born, it was easy to connect to communities.  There were all of the parent communities…pre-school, elementary school, athletics….it was easy to connect around these shared experiences.  I even had a book club with a bunch of moms from my kids’ elementary school.

But then came my divorce.

And I no longer seemed to fit into these communities anymore.

And the people vanished.

They didn’t call anymore.  Invitations to social and special events stopped altogether.  I felt like I was no longer welcome.

But, where did they go?

I was still a member of the synagogue.

My kids still went to the same schools.

I still shuttled my kids around to all of their activities and sports.

And I still liked to read.

Yet everything was different.  I felt completely alone and isolated from any kind of community.  I felt like I didn’t “belong” anywhere anymore.

Have you ever felt this way?

I hated feeling isolated and alone.  I am a person who thrives on relationships and community and now all my relationships were changing and I no longer fit in where I once did.

What I learned is that divorce, unlike death,  job loss, or parenting issues, does not build or invite community, rather it can break it down.  We come together in support of someone dealing with the death of a loved one, we surround people who have lost their jobs with support and we reach out to comfort parents who are dealing with difficult parenting issues.

But where is the community when we announce that our marriage is ending?

This loss of belonging is one of the major reasons that I started the D Spot…to create a community of women who all have the shared experience of divorce, whatever stage they are in.

Looking back I realize that I truly didn’t belong in some of those communities and although at the time I mourned their loss, I am grateful to have been set free to create new, empowering and supportive communities  for myself.

Surrounding myself with groups of friends, family and colleagues that are founded on consistent, honest and authentic relationships is critical to my journey as a woman.

I love the many and varied communities that I am a part of.  They each and all nurture me in different ways.  Some are personal and some are professional.  And because of them all, I know that I am never alone.

What communities are you a part of that no longer serve you?

Do you open yourself to opportunities to create or join new communities?

I have a new friend…and I LOVE her!  Her name is Ellie Scarborough and she is my kind of girl!  When I first discovered Ellie I was surfing the web (which I find myself doing quite a bit) and browsing through the websites of women that inspire me.  While surfing, I came upon her logo and it was love at first site!

She is the founder (with her partner Amy Lynch)  of Pink Kisses, one of the most fabulous sites I have seen in a long time!   No, Ellie is not divorced, but she knows what breakups are all about.  And, let’s face it…divorce is the ultimate breakup!

The mission of Pink Kisses is simple…To help women forget their Ex and find their inner badass.  Amen Sister!  I am all about the inner badass!  In fact, I adore their tagline…”moving on is the best revenge”, because I could not agree more.

I immediately sent her an email begging to talk so that we could connect an swap stories of moving on and reinvention.  She called me almost instantaneously and immediately we knew we would become great friends!

When I told her that I thought her logo was great, she introduced me to “Betty”!  Betty is their mascot and as Ellie explained, she is “a mix of sugar, spice, and everything nice…with a tiny little hint of scandal. That’s how Betty was born. Nobody knows where she’s from, and nobody knows her last name, but everybody who’s laid eyes on her knows she’s freaking fantastic. We’re not sure how old she is or how many hearts she’s broken, but she’s funny and smart and sassy and cool and she could probably take you down to Chinatown in an arm-wrestling competition. She’s 100 percent bad@ss and we love her. When you find yourself in a bind, thinking about calling up your ex, just ask yourself this very important question:

“What would Betty do?”

Fabulous, right?

What I love so much about Ellie and her business is her commitment to making women feel good at a time when they are struggling.  She shared with me that the intention of Pink Kisses is to change women’s live by helping them to recognize their own strength and accept their independence as part of a big, awesome adventure.  I couldn’t get enough of her!

As you probably know, I refer to this adventure as the journey and we spent almost an hour talking about are own adventures and all that has come into our lives as a result of our breakups.

Yes, divorce is a different kind of breakup and when there are children involved, it is a whole new ballgame.  Ellie couldn’t imagine how it felt to go through a divorce, especially when there are children involved, and she made me feel like the most courageous and amazing woman in the world!

The company’s signature service, The Betty Action Plan, serves that purpose by sending an email  around lunchtime everyday with an action step to take the focus off the Ex and put it squarely where it belongs: on helping a girl find her inner badass.

I have taken advantage of the Betty Action Plan and it rocks!  Getting a fabulous email everyday devoted to ME and my moving on adventure is awesome…and provides just the right amount of inspiration and motivation to focus on the most important part of breaking up…reinventing ourselves!

Ladies of the D Spot…., meet Ellie and Pink Kisses, you’re gonna love them!!!

I have noticed recently that many of my clients are struggling with what I call the Moment of Finality.

You may be asking yourself, what is the “moment of finality”?  Great question.

 My definition of the “moment of finality” is the moment that any relationship in your life changes indefinitely and the ‘way it has always been’…ends.”

 It can be a professional relationship;

A friendship;

A romantic relationship;

A partnership; or

A marriage.

When any one of these relationships evolves to a point where it no longer serves us,  and causes us enough sadness, pain and conflict, we begin evaluating whether or not we choose to remain in the relationship.  This period of evaluation can last for up to years….especially when it is the marital relationship. 

The  “moment of finality” happens when we know in our heart…deep in our core, that the relationship is over as we know it.  And that in fact, we will now need to move on…let go of  “what was”. 

Unfortunately, (and this is where the challenge and struggle really lie), only one person in the relationship needs to come to this “moment of finality”  for the relationship to deteriorate, and eventually end. 

The person who arrives at this moment of finality first will usually do one of two things:

1. Choose to end the relationship and with a marriage, ask for a divorce.  In some cases they have been open and honest about their unhappiness so it is no surprise, and in other cases, they experience enormous guilt and can’t find the courage to communicate.  Therefore, this choice seems to come “out of nowhere”.
2. Engage in a Self Sabotaging behaviors.  In this instance, instead of making a choice to end the relationship openly, honestly and with respect, they act in a way that will ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship, such as having an affair, drinking excessively,….

Let’s use a less emotional experience as an example.  You may work in a job that is only “okay” for you, one that is not ideal, but pays the bills.  You don’t really like it, but you accept that it is not “bad enough” to make a change.  However, you get called into your boss’ office and told that they are re-organizing the department and there will not be a place for you in the new structure….that you are being let go. 

Even though you don’t really “like” the job and it is not “ideal” for you, you are stunned to have been fired and paralyzed with the fear of what you are going to do now.  You were not ready for this relationship to end, and therefore, didn’t see it coming….even though you knew it was not the right job and situation for you.

A relationship/marriage, is no different.

 Almost all of the women (and men for that matter) that I speak with at any length about their divorce, whether they initiated it or not, recognize that their marriage at its core, was NOT ideal for them.

But even knowing that it was not “ideal”, the divorce hits with such force, that we are left stunned, winded and overwhelmed with emotions.  We forget that in our heart, we know that it hasn’t been a good relationship for a long time.

When we are in a relationship or marriage that is NOT ideal for us and does not support us to be our most magnificent selves, and we have done whatever we can to repair it, and it continues to be a cause of pain and struggle, it is time to let it go.

Once one person in the relationship has reached their own “moment of finality”, their focus and attention becomes letting it go and moving forward towards “what comes next”.  They have already internally come to a decision to end the relationship. 

However, the other person may, or may not, be aware of the process that led to their partner/spouse’s decision.  And, because we are not trained to talk openly through the intensity of these kinds of relationship conflicts, it is incredibly difficult and painful to talk about them.  So, in most cases, we don’t.

The difference between when the first person in the relationship has their “moment of finality” and when the remaining person does, is where the greatest miscommunications, misunderstanding and presumptions take place.    It is also where the greatest pain and challenge can be felt.

 And yet, it is also your MOMENT OF DESTINY…and where the journey begins to create your new and extraordinary life.

 If you find yourself not understanding how your divorce happened, wondering why your Ex chose to “leave you” or you are struggling to end your marriage, be gentle with yourself.

If you did not initiate your divorce and it was not your choice, you will need to accept that for whatever reason, you were not made aware of how your Ex came to his “moment of finality” and you may never find out.  Which will be hard for you, but you ARE strong enough to move through it.

If you are contemplating separation or divorce, take the time to understand how and why your marriage no longer serves you and if possible, share your journey openly and honestly with your husband…even if it is frightening to do so.

Regardless of whether your divorce is or was your choice, or not,  reaching your “moment of finality” is scary and overwhelming.  It is always frightening when we can’t see what comes next.  And yet, that is where the greatest growth, joy and opportunities lie!

You are not meant to do it alone…get support if you are struggling with arriving at your “moment of finality” so it can become your Moment of Destiny!!!

Do you ever have days when it just feels so hard?! I didn’t really know what this felt like until later in my marriage when I couldn’t figure out why some days (more and more as time when on) felt “hard” to get through.

And there were many hard days once I got separated, went through my divorce and began to move forward after.

To be completely honest with you, there are still days when it feels just so hard.

A client said to me today, “is it really possible to have the life you dream of? I only ask because no one I know is living their dream life…as a matter of fact, so many of them are not happy.”

I can’t begin to tell you just how sad I was to hear her ask this question. As a coach, I am surrounded by people; other coaches, experts, consultants and amazing women who are all on a journey towards living their ideal life.

Her question made me stop and really think about what it means to live the life you imagine.

I know that sometimes the “think positive thoughts” rhetoric can oversimplify the journey, but there is so much truth to our ability to deliberately create what we want.

You, me and thousands of others across the country and world have gone through or are going through the transition of divorce. A transition that while forcing us to reinvent many areas of our lives, is also the catalyst for massive growth; personally, professionally, financially, socially, romantically….

And it is exactly this “massive growth”, that is what makes it feel so hard.

Have you ever heard of growing pains? These minutes, hours or days that feel hard, are our middle age growing pains.

The more discomfort and confusion we feel, the greater the growth. It’s true!!!

You may be saying, BULLSHIT! But it is true. Ask anyone who has achieved massive success or achievement in any area of their life. They withstood extreme discomfort, confusion and even pain to get there.

I share this with all of you in the hope that you will say, AHA, now I get it!

Regardless of the stage of the divorce journey you are on, there will be hard days. And, dare I say that I hope you ALWAYS have hard days, because it will mean that you are continuously growing.

What happens to all living things when they stop growing?

They die.

I am sorry that you may struggle through these hard days…or that they may cause you to become “stuck” at certain moments along your journey.

But that is exactly why I do what I do. Because when I had…and have, my “hard days”, I could have used (and still do) a coach to be my champion, compass and overall cheerleader . That is what I aspire to be for you.

So, in conclusion, YES…there will be many hard days. Embrace them. Nurture them. Surrender to them. For they will ultimately lead you to the growth you will need to get to the life you imagine!