The D Spot

I don’t know about you, but there were a lot of thoughts running around my head as I read the Fifty Shades trilogy.

Yes, I am aware that they are a fun, erotic series of novels and that, of course, not one that can possibly be based in reality…or can it?

The truth is that while they are in fact perhaps exaggerations of what we define as “real” or appropriate, they are exactly that…exaggerations. Exaggerations built on thoughts that you and I often think and feel, deep down inside. Things like:

• Can sex be that passionate and crazy good?
• How much “experimentation” is “normal”?
• Am I a freak if I want to try a little bit of “that” (just a little!)…under “appropriate” circumstances?
• There is no way that a man like that could fall madly in love with a woman like that?
• Is it possible that a man could ever love me that much?
• Could I ever love a man that much?

The list goes on and on…and that is why this trilogy has skyrocketed to the best seller list. It opens the door to our imagination, our passion, and our possibilities.

One of the most significant lessons that I took from these books is what I know already to be true; that it is critical to speak our truth, no matter how afraid or how vulnerable we feel.

James, in her trilogy, created characters Christian and Anastasia, as dramatic exaggerations of what could be any two individuals that are seemingly so different from each other.

Christian Grey “seems” at first to be a sexual deviant, an abusive, crazy and “narcissistic” man. And yes, he is extreme (controlling, sexually “out there”, and self-centered)…for you and I. However, when viewing him through a lens of curiosity and compassion, Anastasia finds a man who has been deeply wounded, is carrying “fifty shades of baggage”, and ultimately, wants to love and be loved, but has no idea of what healthy love looks like. Of course, this is shrouded in over the top dominant scenarios and crazy drama throughout the book.

What I am talking about are the underlying messages. Shown through the relentless pursuit of Anastasia to understand him and extract his truth.

Anastasia is just the opposite. With no experience at love, intimacy or sex of any kind, she is simply nervous, excited, scared, curious and vulnerable. However, she is also smart and confident. And while she is also ultimately looking to love and be loved, she navigates being open to what she doesn’t know and understand, with caution, safe boundaries and her truth.

There is tension between them, not only sexually, but because in honoring their own individual truths, they learn that they will have to share their fears, their vulnerabilities and their deepest desires.

It is never easy to share with someone we care about what our deepest truth is. It takes courage, clarity and risk. Risk that the other person will be angry with us; that they will judge us; that they won’t love us. These fears often cause us to turn and flee, abandoning our truth and ultimately placing us in a situation we don’t really want at our core.

Christian and Anastasia take the risk; albeit painfully. And, they eventually reap the reward for it. But the messages are clear:

• get clear on what your deepest truth is
• be prepared to set boundaries that honor your truth but allow for growth; then,
• honor your boundaries; with kindness and compassion
• extraordinary love only comes when we share our truth; our fears, vulnerabilities, and deepest desires

So, do you know what your deepest truth is?

What holds you back from speaking your truth?

So, how many of you have read Fifty Shades of Grey?  If you haven’t yet, you must.

Over my vacation last week, I decided to catch up on my pleasure reading which included the Fifty Shades trilogy, and I am so glad I did.  Not because of the sex, which was fabulously fun to read, but more importantly, because the underlying messages of the book are those that are in alignment with all that I stand for.

The books, which most will say are simply erotica for the middle aged, is really a love story; and one that touches upon the very core of what effortless, extraordinary love is all about.

• Yes, the book is deliciously erotic.
• Yes, the book touches upon sexual content that is edgy and may be outside of our comfort zone.
• Yes, the book is exaggerated and extreme in its story.

However, the messages are, in my opinion, critical to the success of any good relationship.  Over the next few blog posts, I am going to share my thoughts about Fifty Shades and what it means for you as you create your new life and love after divorce.

I feel that the most significant message of the book is that things are not always what they seem. 

This is a story of two seemingly unsuited individuals who, over time, prove that they are more of an ideal fit than they could have ever imagined.

We all come with “baggage”, especially after divorce.  As a matter of fact, going through it we develop our own “fifty shades of divorce” and these fifty shades are what become part of the fabric of our lives as well as the experience that best prepares us for our next chapter.

The relationship between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele is one that allows the reader to take our own discomfort with how we think we would handle their situation and view it relative to how their relationship grows and evolves.

Extraordinary love is created when we engage and communicate with our lover/partner with curiosity and compassion.  When our curiosity about why someone does what they do outweighs our need to judge them.  When our desire to understand outweighs our need to react.

The book creates a relationship that is built on the curiosity and compassion shared between Christian and Anastasia and we watch as they question and challenge each other and their “baggage” with humor, desire and passion. 

They are each more interested in learning about each other and what motivates their actions, behaviors and words than they are about pushing each other away because of discomfort and fear.

Moving through and forward after divorce is an experience that can become   our defining story if we let it and can sometimes leave us feeling emotionally reactive and protective.

As we create and attract new relationships after divorce; with our Ex, with our children, and with new romance; leading with curiosity and compassion will ultimately open the door to extraordinary experiences.

I won’t give away the ending, but I will tell you that what happens between them is only possible because they are both willing to:

1.  Use the truth and experiences of their past as opportunities to grow and evolve, becoming a catalyst for change; and

2.  Look past the way things might “seem” with a desire to understand and to unleash the potential in each other. 

 As you move forward through and after your divorce, remember that things are not always what they seem.   There are always reasons why people act the way they do, say the things they do and react the way they do.    If you approach every situation with curiosity and compassion, you will not only discover what is really going on beneath the surface, but you will discover how to communicate in a way that will get you exactly what you want!

 Stay tuned for Part 2 of Fifty Shades of Your New Life after Divorce!

“I will never get married again…”

“I can’t even imagine going on a date…”

“I feel so old and unattractive…”

“How do you even meet people…”

“I don’t have time in my life for dating”

“I’m so ready for my next relationship…”

“There are no good men out there…”

I hear these statements over and over again from women who are going through and moving forward after divorce.  Any of these sound familiar to you?

So today we are going to have a lesson in “SEXpectations” or the expectations we all have about love after divorce or the ending of any relationship.

Whether you believe it or not, the following words will all have a significant role in your new life:  dating, romance, sex, intimacy, sensuality, passion and love. So, I am going to give you my thoughts about what each of them means in your journey towards designing your amazing new life:

Dating:   Dating is fun!  Yes, you heard me, dating should be and can be a blast when you have set expectations around it that allow you to enjoy the process.  You will not fall in love on a first date, nor will you know if he is the “right” fit for you immediately.  You will need time and shared experiences to determine that.  However, if you become curious about men and understanding who they really are, you are going to have a fabulous time!

Romance:  Romance is not just a part of dating, it is a “way of being” in any relationship.  It is not about flowers, chocolate or lingerie…it is a feeling state.  It is the way you feel about and pursue a new partner.  Romance is the journey of time and shared experiences that allow you to build a new partnership and intimacy.  Creating romance in your life is about creativity, selflessness and connecting to the loving parts of yourself.  It is an expression of who you are and how you feel about another person.

Sex:  What can I say about sex!  Sex is a critical part of life; and, it is fabulous, fun and FREE!  Sex after divorce can be scary and intimidating, especially if it was not a healthy part of your marriage.  However, sex can be, and should be, a wonderful and exciting part of your life, and relationship.  There are many different kinds of sex and we have the power to choose when, with whom, and in what way we have it as we create our new and empowered lives and relationships. What becomes important is know what you want and why so that you can make healthy and safe choices about your sexual life.  Sex becomes more fun and exciting as you reconnect to who you are and the woman you are meant to be!

Intimacy:  Intimacy is the growing closer and sharing experiences with someone.  It is being vulnerable, trusting and surrendering to the process of getting to know someone.  While it may feel scary, it takes courage and a commitment to being authentic and honest to experience true intimacy; and is at the core of growing a deep connection with your partner.

Sensuality:  “Sensuality is an enjoyment of the pleasure we receive through our five senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. Although each of these can be experienced in a sexual context, they can also be enjoyed in a totally non-sexual way.”  This is one of my favorite definitions of sensuality.  One of the most important parts of the journey through and after divorce is the reconnecting to your sensuality.  For some this is an uncomfortable process but one that will result in tremendous pleasure!

Passion: Passion is an energy that is created when you are doing and experiencing things that you love; and is experienced when the things you do are in alignment with the very core of who you are. What prevents so many from experiencing unbridled passion is not having clarity around what you love to do and be.  Passion can be found in the friendships you surround yourself with, the work that you do, the way in which you spend your time and attitude you choose to have.  When you are living a life you love, with passion and purpose, you will find that it will naturally become the foundation upon which a new relationship will be built.

Love:  Aaahhh, love!  Exceptional love is not only possible, but it is out there waiting for you when you choose to do whatever it takes to have it!  Despite popular belief, love doesn’t just happen; it is something we choose to create in our lives.  However, real love begins within ourselves and is created when we do the hard work of preparing ourselves for it!

Moving through and after divorce often creates feelings of doubt about the possibility of having and sustaining a real and extraordinary loving, passionate, sexy, and romantic relationship.

The truth is that no matter where you are and no matter what your past experience has been, love is out there, waiting for you!

So, where are you in your Love Journey?  Do you know what your SEXpectations are?  If not, now is the perfect time to give yourself the gift of getting clear and understanding what you want and exactly how to get it!

I had the most wonderful experience this past week.  I had the opportunity to host a special call with two fabulous women, Meredith Allen and Tara Eisenhard. 

I had never met either of them…as a matter of fact, I had never even spoken to them before last night.  But they are kindred spirits and I believe will be women with whom I will stay connected as I move along my own journey of self discovery and.

I asked Meredith and Tara to join me for my monthly teleclass because I had been reading their blogs and was taken by their candor, honesty and compassion.

Tara writes a blog called Relative Evolutions and has a philosophy about divorce that is in alignment with mine.  She believes:

• A marriage shouldn’t survive at the expense of its participants.
• Sometimes a good divorce is the appropriate solution to a bad marriage.
• Separation signifies the evolution, not dissolution, of a family.
• Divorce is the shared goal of two people wishing to part ways.
• Divorce shouldn’t be ugly or expensive.

Tara is a divorced woman with no children of her own, but she is the girlfriend/partner of a man with children and has wonderful insight into the role that she plays in his/their lives.

Meredith writes a blog called Now Is Good where she shares her journey through and after divorce.  Meredith is a divorced mom of three beautiful children and is navigating the waters of being a divorced woman and co-parenting with her Ex and his live-in girlfriend, a woman that was part of the reason for the divorce.

In her own words, “I’m a newly single mom of 3.  I’m also a daughter, sister, friend, loner by nature and lawyer by trade. I swear like a sailor.  I laugh really loudly.  I have no tolerance for hypocrisy.  Sarcasm, strength, good grammar, intelligence, biting humor and a fair amount of red wine are requirements, not preferences.  Life has been throwing curve balls and I’ve been fielding them as well as I can.  This is me figuring it all out.”

I absolutely LOVE her style!

Tara and Meredith recently blogged together in a series called “She Said, She Said” where they shared their thoughts on being divorced women, co-parents, the girlfriend of a divorced dad and managing so many emotions!

Because of the way in which they explored these issues and the respect, intellect and compassion in their writing, I asked them to join me for a conversation on the very same topic.

It was an EXTRAORDINARY hour!

I learned so much from them…and together, we talked about the REAL DEAL of divorce and the journey to wards creating your new and ideal life! 

The call was so great that I wanted to make sure I shared it with you!  So, click here to listen to the call….I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

I am so excited to share with you my second guest post for my new blog!  About a week or so ago, I shared with you my first guest post written by Tara Eisenhard, Relative Evolutions,  who is going to be joining me with Meredith Allen, this week’s guest’s blogger, for a very special, FREE teleclass!!

On Wednesday, March 23 at 9:00 pm EST Meredith  will be joining me with Tara, to talk about issues around being a single mom, divorced woman and in her own workd, “daughter, sister, friend, loner by nature and lawyer by trade.”

For more information about this special free teleclass and all other D Spot events, sign up at www.discoverthedspot.com.

Enjoy Meredith’s post below:

Thanks so much to Laura for inviting me to guest post and to participate in this month’s teleclass!  I’m Meredith.  Not too long ago, I was a happily married mom of three and my life was pretty well all mapped out.  The day before our tenth wedding anniversary, my husband filed for divorce, shocking me and pretty much everyone we knew.  Within sixty days, I learned about his infidelities, he moved out, we told the kids, we made decisions on custody and finances, the papers were drawn up and signed, orders were entered by the judge, the ink dried and I was officially divorced.  I’d like to know what the Guinness World Record is for the fastest divorce in history, because I think mine’s probably in the running!  Today, not quite two years later, I am a happily divorced mom of three and although my life is anything but mapped out anymore, I think I like it better that way.  The road from there to here has been, and continues to be, both sad and happy, high and low, frustrating and peaceful, painful and joyous.  In other words, pretty rich.

Along the way I started a blog called Now Is Good in an effort to help me process what I was going through and to find a creative outlet to do a little writing.  I write about whatever moves me on a given day, but most frequently I explore the effect of the divorce on my kids, co-parenting with my ex, dealing with his girlfriend and her relationship with my children, and the ups and downs of carving out a new life when the old one  disappears.  My blog is just one (although one of my favorite ones) of the unexpected positive outcomes of a divorce I didn’t see coming and didn’t at all want.  On the first anniversary of my divorce, I wrote a post entitled “D-Day and 100 Divorce Perks” and listed out the top 100 ways in which my divorce had effected a positive change in my life.  I’m finding that if I just look in the right places, I add to that list more and more every day.

Woohoo!  Spring has just about SPRUNG!  Do you feel it?

So, are you feeling ready for the spring?  Or, has this long, cold, snowy, and rainy winter made you feel “stuck” where you are?

Recently a new client said to me, through her tears, “I hate feeling this way.  I cry all the time, I am angry and bitter…I was never this way.  This is NOT who I am…I want ME back again.”

I was struck at her frustration at being “stuck” and wanting to reclaim her joy, her MOJO and her magnificent self….because I have been there myself.  Separation and divorce become a catalyst for massive change…however, at the time, we can’t always “see” what comes next.  And, we are often paralyzed by our emotions and struggle to take the action we know we should be taking!

The problem is, no matter how much we sit alone at work, home or while running our kids around thinking about it, we can’t jumpstart our journey alone. 

We need each other to gain wisdom, inspiration, encouragement and support.    It  is hard to make friends in mid life, especially after divorce….and yet, we all want desperately to connect; to ourselves and each other.

I have spent the past few months planning a really special opportunity for YOU!

It is a one day retreat aimed to get you “un-stuck”! 

It is called Anew YOU!  and is a specially designed  program to jumpstart your journey towards designing your new and fantastic life!  It will be taking place on April 2, in Connecticut, at a wonderful studio called Fitbehavior in Rocky Hill.

 I have invited six amazing experts to join me in offering you a day of radical transformation in all the areas of your life that need your attention:

• Financial Empowerment – Lili Vasileff
• Self Care – Carolyn Phillips
• Attracting Ideal Relationships – Janice Christopher
• Dating After Divorce – Jaimy Blazynski
• Believing In and Trusting Yourself – Mary Jones
• Surviving and Thriving – Cathering Ewing
• Taking MASSIVE Action  – ME

The agenda and details for the day can be found at:

http://www.discoverthedspot.com/events.html

This is a never been offered before event, and I want YOU to be a part of it!

I know that there are many excuses you can make to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone and into an opportunity to finally create the life you REALLY want, including:

• Cost
• Time
• Location
• Fear
• “Not into that”

However,  DON’T!  I want you to CHOOSE YOU! 

Together, with a group of women who all have a shared experience, the transition of divorce, you will BREAKTHROUGH where you are to design what comes next!

I have asked these amazing experts to join me this month for a couple of special FREE teleclasses to give you a “taste” of what they will be doing on April 2 at Anew YOU!

The schedule of these special calls is:

Monday, March 14 – Jaimy Blazynski and Carolyn Phillips

Monday, March 21 – Janice Christopher

Monday, March 28 – Mary Jones and Catherine Ewing

All of these calls will take place at 9:00 p.m. EST and will be an opportunity for you to get a “taste” of just how wonderful the Anew YOU! event will be!!!

The call information is:

Phone Number:              760-569-0800

Access Code:                     379361#

What would it mean if:

• You could design a life around what matters most to YOU?
• You had peace and balance in your life?
• You could achieve the health and wellness that you wish for?
• You reached the level of financial security and independence that you only dream of?
• You had joyful, meaningful and exceptional relationships with your children and family?
• You woke up every morning feeling fantastic about YOUR life and excited to begin each day!

 For more information, go to www.discoverthedspot.com/events.html.

So here’s the real deal. Many of us who have gone through a divorce have also gone through long periods of time without sex. Yes…I said it. While I know that there are some relationships for which the sex continues throughout and even after divorce, more often than not, sex leading up to divorce is a dwindling commodity. And, by the time we actually get divorced, it could be years that we have been sexless.

Can you relate?

It is for this reason that part of the journey during and after divorce is rediscovering the joy of sex…and the sensuality, flirtation and eroticism around it.

For many of us, this part of the journey is often scary and uncomfortable.

It could be that your last date was over 20 years ago. Or, you may have never had sex with anyone other than your husband? Of course it is scary. Not to mention that sensuality and sexuality in your 20’s is far different than in your 40’s and 50”s.

For this reason, I want to share with you a few tips for opening yourself to rediscovering yourself as a feminine woman with a healthy sexual drive!

Your role as wife, and/or mother, may have included ownership of your sexuality and sensuality, but it is conceivable that it did not as well.

For me, where I had once started out as a young, sexy gal…along the way, and two children later, I had lost touch with this very vibrant part of myself.

Becoming single again at almost 40 required me to step into my own journey….a journey to rediscover my new, and more mature, sexual identity.

Sex is not only fabulous…but it is a critical piece of our ability to step into our power as a woman, and one day, a new and exceptional intimate, love relationship.

As such, your exploration and journey is YOURS.

You are no longer a teenager, sneaking around your parents to see the “cute boy” and hoping that no one will find out that you are having sex!!!

You are a grownup…and therefore, you have PERMISSION to flirt, date and have sex with anyone that you want.

However, there are a few things that will make this journey more enjoyable for you:

1. Clarify how you feel and what you want, at your core.

Perhaps you are feeling undesirable and both want and need to feel sexy again. Or, perhaps you are already feeling sexy, and want to simply indulge yourself in new and freeing sexual encounters.

Knowing how you feel and what you want, will begin to help you chart the course for this part of your journey. There are many ways to rediscover your sexuality and connect with the woman within. But, knowing WHY you are choosing to do what you are doing is critical to have a safe and healthy sexual journey.

1. Accept that SEX, sensuality and sexuality are healthy, normal and FUN!

While often scary, sex and sensuality are highly enjoyable parts of being a woman. There are many resources available to you today that will support you as you reconnect to this wonderful part of yourself.

There is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, rather get CURIOUS about what your sexuality means to YOU. And make this part of your journey a priority rather than an afterthought.

1. Everyone’s sexual journey is different.

Each of us express ourselves, our femininity and our sexuality differently. And that is just fine. In fact, it what makes each of us attractive in our own way.

Finding your sexual mojo is an important part of discovering your own power and confidence as a woman. So, embracing the discomfort that may come with it is also important.

If you feel stuck around how you feel and what you want…or what sensuality and sexuality mean to you, get support.

You are beautiful and desirable exactly as you are. When you embrace this journey, you will discover the power of YOU and your femininity!