The D Spot

Do you remember playing Truth or Dare when you were a teenager?  What did you prefer, telling a truth or accepting the challenge of a dare?

To be completely honest, I was afraid of both, which is probably why I avoided this game at all costs growing up.  And all through my marriage I found myself still avoiding both of these options.

But divorce changed all that; it tends to do that.  Moving through and forward after divorce is the fastest way to conquer your fear of speaking your truth and daring to do what you have never done before.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about all the ways that we allow fear to hold us back from what we want and are meant to do.  And I have decided that I will no longer allow it to prevent me from experiencing what I want in my life.

Last weekend I did something that I have wanted to do for a long time but have always made excuses as to why I couldn’t do it.  I participated in my first Warrior Dash.  The Warrior Dash is an obstacle run.  It is a 5K run with about 10 obstacle challenges along the course.

While I take care of myself and am pretty fit, the thought of the Warrior Dash was a little intimidating for me.  And yet, at the same time, it has always looked like something really fun to do.  So in the spring, I posted a call to action on my facebook page to see if anyone would like to do it with me. To be honest, I got a lot of people telling me how fun it looked; but I did not get many who wanted to commit to doing it with me.  Despite the lack of commitment by others, I wasn’t going to give up.

Eventually, a lovely woman who I went to high school with jumped in and said she would love to join; we hadn’t really connected in almost 20 years and I was delighted to seize this opportunity!  Then, a friend and colleagues said she would love to join as well.  By the end of the summer we had six women on our team, three that I had never met before.  We decided to name our team, Dash Divas.

So last weekend, I found myself standing at the Starting Line of my first Warrior Dash with my six Dash Divas, all of us doing something scary for the first time.  And it was a blast!

We were nervous, and excited, and committed to finishing together…leaving no woman behind!  Here we are crossing the finish line!!

I was so proud of myself, so proud of us.  Daring to do something we have all wanted to do;  challenging ourselves to fight through our nerves and our fear!

Life during and after divorce is full of opportunities to dare ourselves to live the life we imagine, and deserve; if we choose to see those opportunities and take advantage of them.

It can be comfortable to stay where we are, even if it is not where we really want to be.  Moving forward is uncomfortable and frightening, but everything you want is on the other side of fear.  And the only way to get there is to step out of your comfort zone.

So, I dare you.

 I dare you to do something you have always wanted to do.

I dare you to look for opportunities that scare you, and to face your fear and do it anyway.

I dare you to be uncomfortable, knowing that what you really want is on the other side of it.

I dare you to speak your truth.

I dare you to push yourself harder than anyone else will.

I dare you to be vulnerable and scared, we all are.

I dare you to take risks, because you will grow from them.

I dare you to let go of what was, because your future is waiting for you.

I dare you to open yourself up to new friends, new experiences and new love.

I dare you to ask for the support you deserve.

I dare you to express your desires out loud.

I dare you do just one thing every day that moves you towards the life you imagine.

I dare you to be YOU…because you are magnificent; you are brilliant, bold and courageous beyond measure.

Together, just like me and my Dash Divas, we will boldly move forward, leaving no woman behind.

You are not alone.  We are in this together!

Many of you know that over the past few years I have become a passionate football fan.

There is something I love about the masculinity of it, the strategy of it, the strength of it and the excitement of it. Over time I have learned about each team, each quarterback and the strengths and weaknesses of each team. While I don’t have a favorite team, I do have a few that I like more than others and for lots of reasons.

Like many Americans, I have also been intrigued by the young rising star, Tim Tebow, who some are calling “the Chosen One”.

Not knowing much about him, I had the opportunity last week to watch a documentary about him. I was folding laundry (as I usually do on Sundays) and while flipping around the channels, I came across this special just as it was starting.

While it was only an hour, seeing his journey gave me a growing sense of appreciation for this young man and athlete, and I was taken by his courage, tenacity and commitment to his Big Vision; all mirroring my work with women moving through and forward after divorce.

Here are a few tips that I learned from Tim Tebow about creating what comes next:

1.     Set your vision and don’t take your eye off of it.

It is clear from the film that Tim had a vision of being a star football player from a very young age. As he moved farther along his career and eventually through college, he had received almost as many awards, recognitions and accolades as are possible. However, in his quest to be drafted to the NFL, he also realized that none of that mattered. Those achievements were not what would necessarily earn him a place on a major league team.

I thought a lot about this because there are parallels in this to what we experience through and after divorce. I does not necessarily matter what we had, how amazing a spouse we were or what acknowledgement we do or do not get now; what matters is to stay focused on the vision of what our ideal and extraordinary life will be. I was struck by Tim Tebow’s ability at a young age to accept his accomplishments as just that, bu t remain focused on his goals and all that it would take to achieve them. A wonderful lesson for all of us.

2.     Create your “Dream Team”, but even with them, what happens next is up to you.

Through the film you are introduced to all of the experts, professionals and coaches that Tim uses in his preparation for reaching his goal. You are also introduced to his family, especially his father and brother, who support him along every step of his journey. He makes it clear that creating this incredible team of and circle of support is essential for him to gain the information, skills and guidance that he needs to move towards his vision.

However, he also shares that while the team is outstanding; they are not responsible for getting it done. They are not responsible for achieving his goal, and in fact; he alone is.

I found this to be completely in alignment with my philosophy both personally and professionally. I believe that creating a team of experts and circle of support is essential for moving through a nd forward after divorce. But I also believe that no matter how much support we are all receiving, we will not create the lives we are meant to live unless we step fully into owning responsibility for it. If we want something, it is not only up to each of us to get the support we need, but to take responsibility for doing whatever it takes to get it!

3.     There is no shortcut; getting what you want takes tremendous strength, commitment and discipline.

Finally, Tim Tebow shows us through this film, that there is no easy way to get what we want. No money in the world, no amount of popularity and no accolades will guarantee that we will get it. The only way to create what we want and to reach our goals is to do the incredible hard work that is necessary to prepare us to get there.

He dedicated every hour of every day to doing whatever it takes. Training and then training more. Studying, researching, learning…from sun-up to sun-down, Tim put 100% of his time, energy, and attention into his vision. It didn’t matter that the public, the media and football experts around the world doubted his ability and challenged his capabilities. It didn’t matter that friends and fellow athletes were living lives much different to his. It didn’t matter that it wa s grueling work and consumed his life. In the end, he was drafted; and it was not because he was good looking or performed in college. It was because his complete dedication, discipline and mindset were focused on what he wanted.

I was humbled by his work ethic, his commitment and his ability to fight through his own and other people’s limiting beliefs and thoughts to manifest what he wanted. I had not known just how hard he worked for it and I gained a sense of appreciation for him as well as seeing the power of possibility.

When facing the uncertainty of creating a new life after divorce, it is exactly these strategies and attributes that will allow us to be open to the possibility of our potential; and step into the confidence that we can create all that we want.

I am grateful to have stumbled onto this film, it was wonderful! If you have the chance to see this great documentary, I hope you will take the opportunity to watch it!

What is it that keeps us working so hard for the friendships and intimate, love relationship that we so desperately desire?

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of women who are working harder than ever at friendships and relationships that are depleting them of energy, enthusiasm and inspiration.   And yet, despite recognizing that these relationships are exhausting and exasperating, they continue to try harder to do more, be more and say more.

At some point, the exhaustion, frustration and depletion becomes more than they can bear and something momentous happens, changing the relationship forever.

Perhaps it is an affair.  That becomes the catalyst for the ending of a marriage that was not healthy to begin with.

 Perhaps there a fight of epic proportions for which things are said that can never be taken back.

 Or perhaps there is silence.  A silence so great that the hole that is left creates emotions that will take years to heal.

By the time this happens, the wounds are so deep and so painful; they require extreme care to heal.  And usually, the relationship can’t recover from them.

Divorce is often the result of what is not said and done, rather than what is said and done; although many would argue differently.  And by the time a woman comes to me for support, it is hard to get clarity around what she really wants to say…or, wanted to say; wishes she had said.

The same holds true, by the way, for friendships.  There are often parallels between what happens in divorce and what happens in the demise of a close friendship.

Why is this?

Well, if we aren’t saying what we really want and need to say, our partner/friends can’t hear what we really want and need them to hear.

It is not much more complicated than that.

You see, here is the simple truth.  You don’t have to be, do or say anything special to be loved.  Nope.  You just have to be YOU.

Honest you.

Authentic you.

Compassionate you.

Loving you.

Direct you.

Kind you.

Beautiful you.

 YOU…are enough.

You don’t have to buy sexy clothes. You don’t have to prepare fancy meals.  You don’t have to clean your house top to bottom.  Nor do you have to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, your desires or your interests to express your love and devotion.

You…the raw truth of who you are, is perfectly enough. 

Love is meant to be shared, from the inside out.  It is not meant to be earned, bought or judged.  It is simply meant to be felt and shared.

When you find yourself in a relationship or friendship that is causing you to work hard to do, be or say anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are, it is time to come clean.  It is time to say what needs to be said and allow the relationship to grow…or fade.

While this is not an easy thing to do, it is what will lead you to freedom.

Freedom to be the YOU that you are meant to be!

For a while now I have been writing for the Huffington Post which is a lot of fun, but also fascinating.  The Huff is one of the most highly read online publications and therefore offers a huge and diverse audience with whom I can share my thoughts.

One of the things that I have found through all of the comments to my posts, is that there seems to be a feeling by many that the individual who initiates a divorce is somehow both selfishly giving up on their marriage and will also enjoy a far easier time moving forward than the person who was “left”.

Not only do I not agree with this “myth”, but I feel obligated to share my thoughts on these positions, both as someone who initiated my divorce but as a Divorce Expert and Coach as well.

So, let me be clear about how I feel.

No one walks down the aisle at their wedding hoping that they will one day be divorced.  In other words, no one “wants” divorce.

As you already know, divorce is one of those decisions that is incredibly difficult to make and more often than not, takes courage, strength and tremendous work to manage.

For me personally, my decision to divorce did not happen overnight as a means of avoiding the hard work of making marriage work.  While most of the people in my life; friends, family and community, first became aware of my marital discontent when we shared our decision to divorce publicly, in fact what they did not know, was the almost four years of counseling, therapy and hard work that we put into trying to make our marriage work.

It was a decision that took years to make and was for us…for me, a last resort.  Despite my divorce and my passion for being a Divorce Expert and Coach, I believe in and advocate for strong, healthy and long term relationships and marriage.  My parents are happily married for 47 years and I wanted more than anything in my life to have created and enjoyed the same beautiful and extraordinary long term marriage.

Unfortunately, many of us made the decision to marry when we were young and uneducated as to what we really wanted and needed in an ideal relationship.  It is not that I don’t believe in the importance of and commitment involved in creating a wonderful marriage, but rather, my Ex-husband and I were simply not a good fit.  Both my Ex-husband and I made the decision to marry for what we thought were the “right” reasons and by using what we thought were the “right” criteria.  However, looking back, neither one of us was a good fit for the other; we both made a decision that couldn’t work because of who we are at our core.

Making the decision to end our marriage, a commitment we both took seriously, was incredibly difficult and painful, for both of us.

There are so many reasons why individuals or couples decide to end their marriages.  Perhaps there is abuse (verbal or physical), infidelity, or just plain unhappiness.  No matter what the reason, it is never as simple as it seems.  Underneath all of these reasons is a far more complicated situation than anyone, including the individuals in the marriage, often understands.  That is where someone like me, a Divorce Expert, Coach or therapist, can help to understand what is really going on and move through the transition with honesty, integrity and clarity.

We all deserve to be part of a relationship that is extraordinary and getting divorced does not in any way mean that a person is not capable of or doesn’t value the commitment to a long term relationship or marriage.

As a matter of fact, it is no easier for the “initiator” to move forward after divorce and create a new and extraordinary life, than it is for the spouse that didn’t initiate.

Divorce is a significant transition that affects almost every area of an individual’s life.  Whether a person was the one to first utter the words, “I want a divorce” or not, the transition is equally challenging.

There are always reasons why a marriage ends.  And while the emotional stress and anxiety can be excessive, focusing on the assumption of blame will not in any way pave the way for either person to move forward.  Rather, it will make the situation more difficult for both individuals and any children involved.  The best strategy for moving forward it to focus on understanding and accepting the situation, and use that as the foundation upon which a new life will be built.

I recognize that it is easier said than done, but I have never found a situation where both individuals did not contribute in one way or another to the demise of the marriage, whether they were the one to initiate divorce or not.

I was the one to initiate, and yet I realize that I also contributed to it not succeeding.  I take this accountability seriously and despite the sadness of having made the decision and feeling like a failure, I have made a commitment to do whatever it takes to learn from that experience and prepare myself for new effortless, extraordinary love.

Here’s the real deal.  Walking down an aisle, wearing a wedding band, and simply living together for decades does not alone make a marriage succeed.   Nor does it “earn” either spouse the obligation to stay in a situation that is unhealthy or unhappy.  What it does mean is that there is work, commitment and a discipline involved in creating an extraordinary relationship that can withstand the test of time.  And even after divorce, that relationship is out there waiting for you!

Every situation is unique, and my experience personally and professionally has proved that each marriage and divorce poses its own complexities.  But the notion that either person moving through and forward after divorce has it easier or harder than the other, is simply not true…even if it seems that way from the outside.

What I have learned is that divorce can create a strange mixture of sadness, loss, fear, anxiety, liberation, freedom, courage and self-sufficiency…among a host of other emotions.  It is a profound and complex journey that requires less judgment and more support for all of the individuals experiencing it.

So, I feel better now that I have clarified myself.

This has been my longwinded way of saying that each of you has a situation that is unique, and that you are moving though it with grace.  And no matter what your situation is, I know that it has had moments of challenge, moments of joy, and moments of fear…and that none of us “chose” divorce be a part of our lives.

I applaud you for taking the big step of getting support through the D Spot community….I am delighted that you are here and know that you will have the magnificent future you desire and deserve.

As many of you know, I not only will be speaking at, but am also on the Advisory Board of the amazing, first ever Start Over Smart Divorce Expo taking place in New York City on March 31 – April 1!  If you haven’t already bought your tickets, do it now…I would love to meet you in person!

On Saturday I will be speaking with my mother on The Ripple Effect of Divorce: How My Divorce Affected Those Who Love Me Most and the Lessons I Learned.  She and I will explore the impact of those five little words, “I am getting a divorce” not only on our relationship, but also on my caring circle of friends and family as well.  Together we will share stories of our personal journey while at the same time presenting our secrets to strengthening these relationships through divorce.  This is the perfect workshop for any of you who have a parent, sister, or best friend who loves you and is doing their best to support you…even if it doesn’t feel that way.  I hope you will grab them and join us for a fun and special workshop!

On Sunday I will be participating on a fantastic panel, The Real Deal on Divorce. I will be joined by two of my amazing friends, Nicole Baras Feuer (co-founder of the Start Over Smart Expo) and Nancy Levin (author and Hay House Event Producer). The panel will be moderated by Stacy Morrison, Editor-in-Chief of Blogher.com and former Editor of Redbook Magazine.  We are going to talk about the things no one ever talks about when it comes to divorce!! Woohoo!!!

As the four of us began to talk about our panel and the juicy things we wanted to talk about, we tossed around, sex, sensuality, co-parenting surprises, eating for one and all kinds of other things that we have all faced on our own personal journeys.

 Our emails began flying and Stacy shared with us an article that she had written for the New York Times about an unexpected post-divorce situation.  Click here to read the article.

It is a great article, but I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel reading it.

As I finished reading it, I felt a strange mixture of happiness for her…and jealousy.  Yes, you heard me right, jealousy!

I am not a jealous person, in fact I am an advocate for peaceful solutions when it comes to divorce…all four of us are.  But I realized that I wished that I could exchange one of my own challenges for the one she talks about in the article.

She and her Ex-husband are collaboratively and peacefully co-parenting their son and although uncomfortable at times, they are leaving the door open to redefining their co-parenting relationship and navigating the new lives they are each creating.  Unfortunately, my Ex-husband and I are not.  It was once that way for us, but new lives, new loves and a variety of other circumstances have caused our initial post-divorce relationship to deteriorate.  It is not what I want and I am sad about it.

Three of the four us on the panel have children, and while we all started out with the same intention and desire to successfully and collaboratively co-parent our children, we each have faced unique challenges as we move along our journey.

I shared my reaction to the article with the group, which opened up the door for us to explore even further how though so much can seem the same; our experiences are in fact different on so many levels.  And none of us anticipated the unexpected consequences that our divorces would present.  It felt wonderful and liberating to share with each other just how much we didn’t know about what this divorce journey would be like and give each other support we need, and deserve.

I also know that we are not alone, and that each of you has a unique journey along which you are traveling.

So, I am even more excited today about being a part of this panel…it is going to be juicy, fun and fabulous!  I really hope you will find your way to NYC and join us then!!

I am so pleased to be able to share my new friend and colleague, Karen McMahon with you! She has been kind enough to be my guest blogger this week.  She and I have philosophies that are in absolute alignment…as a matter of fact, when I first read her post, I thought to myself that I could have been the author!

I hope you enjoy her words of wisdom. 

I will Thrive in My New Life: Consciously choose thoughts that serve you

By Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach

You are what you think.  Negative thoughts generate negative emotions; positive thoughts generate positive emotions.  

Have you ever heard the saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it?” The idea is this… Divorce is difficult and painful at times, that is a given and no one is suggesting that you walk around making believe you are blissfully happy.  That would be equally unhealthy.  You need to feel your feelings.  But you do not have to wallow in them.

Take a close look at that negative statement you so often say to yourself and see how true it is.  For instance, if your overriding thought is, ‘I’m never going to be able to make it on my own”, how is this going to make you feel? Actually, how true is that statement?

What have you done in your past, who do you have in your support system, what protections are yours under the law that point to the fact that you will be okay?  But your fear, your gremlin, lurking in the dark alleys of your mind, is there to scare you and keep you in fear. You can choose to live in the ‘what if’s’ and they are usually all the negative possibilities of what might happen, or you can change your thoughts.

Shine a light on that dark and scary place that your mind goes to by replacing your negative, self-defeating statement with a truer one.  “I am strong and capable and I can make it on my own.” Or “I will not only survive this divorce, but once it is over, I will thrive in my new life.” Choose the words that resonate with you, your real truth.  Then say it out loud. Say it again and again.  How does it feel?  Your feelings will change when you own this new positive statement about yourself.   Your energy will shift from negative to positive.  And you will begin to manifest the future you desire.

1. Take a few minutes to jot down the negative statements about yourself and your situation that you have been focusing on
2. Ask yourself how real they are
3. Replace them with statements that more accurately represent who you are and what you are capable of creating for yourself
4. Begin to live these new statements

If you have been listening to that negative voice in your head, change it today and share your experience with us. 

Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach & Master Energy Practitioner, wrote this post. Karen is the founder of KM Life Coaching and co-author of “Navigating Your Divorce: A guide to the Legal, Financial and Emotional Basics”, a free ebook. Karen’s passion is to work with men and women going through the divorce process; helping them navigate the difficulties while focusing on personal growth and embracing the opportunities that lie ahead.

The celebration of July 4th this year really got me thinking!

Last month, a 20 year old young man from my town was killed in Afghanistan while serving our country. Upon hearing the news, I was overwhelmed by the loss of such a young soldier and gratitude for his ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and independence.

As we moved into the July 4th holiday weekend, I found myself doing more than my usual reflecting on this celebration of independence and what that really means to me.

The more I thought, the more I found that there is a deep connection between independence, freedom and divorce. And that it all truly begins within ourselves.

From a bigger perspective, I am profoundly aware of what it means to be free and independent of a government or dictatorship that strips us of our rights to speak freely, choose freely and live the life we desire. The recent loss of this young man confirms just how fortunate I am to have this freedom and how grateful I am to have it protected.

But as the holiday weekend continued, I found myself reflecting on the freedoms I have in my own life and what exactly independence means to me.

To help me, I first looked up the true definition of independence, which is “freedom from control or influence of another or others” and from there a flood of thoughts entered my mind.

I want to share with you some of the reflections that I had as I spent time journaling and exploring the relationship between divorce and independence/freedom:

1.   I am grateful to have the RIGHT to choose exactly how I want to live my life.

During the final stages of my marriage, I was often filled with an intense desire to break free of what I felt was a relationship and life that did not allow me to live the life I truly wanted. What I have learned since my divorce is that we all have the right to live the life we imagine and deserve, regardless of circumstance. And we have the power to do exactly that.

These years since my divorce have taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to choose and deliberately create the life I want to live. Not only is it my right, but it is a choice that I make each and every day remembering that there are people in the world who do not have that choice. I am grateful for this freedom.

2.   Freedom sometimes comes at a cost.

Getting divorced eliminated the “excuse” that my marriage prevented me from living my ideal life and the freedom to create my next chapter. While my divorce gave me the freedom to choose and took away this excuse, it also put the power of “what comes next” directly into my hands. No more excuses.

Since my divorce, I have learned what it means to be free to choose and to make decisions that will shape the direction of my life. What I never anticipated was what it would mean to make these many decisions and the challenges that come with complete freedom. Having complete freedom can also come with fear, insecurity and doubt, which left me taking time to explore, understand and learn how to manage this incredible new independence.

3.   Freedom can be overwhelming and frightening.

I was unprepared for the level of fear, insecurity and doubt that would come with my new freedom and independence. It was overwhelming. I felt “uneducated” for the decisions that I would need to now make, incompetent to make them, and insecure about how to move forward.

This “freedom” that once beckoned for me was now scaring me to death! Even these many years later, armed with the knowledge, confidence and skills as a coach, educator and author…I still have moments fear and doubt as I move to design my future. Only now I embrace these feelings and use them to face my fears and take control of my own destiny.

4.   Independence is at the core of creating our new lives after divorce.

It wasn’t long after my divorce that I began to understand what “personal independence” meant to me. It was financial independence, social independence, parental independence, romantic independence, professional independence…in fact; this independence began to weave itself into self reliance.

While searching for support to understand and take control of this overwhelming transition, I decided to try out this thing called a “life coach”.  And she changed my life. Instead of facing this daunting independence and self reliance alone and overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, I now began to face each piece of my new future with a plan for taking action towards designing my new life.

5. Independence can be taught and learned.

Working with my life coach was the first step towards my “education” in deliberate creation. Having never heard these words, I could not imagine what they meant?  However, my journey began by appreciating, understanding and assuming responsibility for my freedom and independence. It was brilliant!

This “education” has not only allowed me to create the life I lead…a life of joy, happiness, fulfillment and purpose, but to share it with others through the D Spot.

My divorce was the catalyst for massive change in my life, but more than anything, it gave me the motivation to learn how to live an ideal life. And now I get to share this with you!

I know that you must be thinking that I have taking this July 4th, Independence Day thing to an entirely crazy level! And you may be right!

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves taking what has always been an ordinary and common place occurrence, and experiencing it in a whole new way. This is what happened to me this year over the long holiday weekend!

I felt obliged to share it with you in the off chance that you may be having or will have a similar experience.

If you did, I hope you will share it with me so that we can, together, move through the life changing transition of divorce and create our ultimate destiny!!!