The D Spot

What is it that keeps us working so hard for the friendships and intimate, love relationship that we so desperately desire?

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of women who are working harder than ever at friendships and relationships that are depleting them of energy, enthusiasm and inspiration.   And yet, despite recognizing that these relationships are exhausting and exasperating, they continue to try harder to do more, be more and say more.

At some point, the exhaustion, frustration and depletion becomes more than they can bear and something momentous happens, changing the relationship forever.

Perhaps it is an affair.  That becomes the catalyst for the ending of a marriage that was not healthy to begin with.

 Perhaps there a fight of epic proportions for which things are said that can never be taken back.

 Or perhaps there is silence.  A silence so great that the hole that is left creates emotions that will take years to heal.

By the time this happens, the wounds are so deep and so painful; they require extreme care to heal.  And usually, the relationship can’t recover from them.

Divorce is often the result of what is not said and done, rather than what is said and done; although many would argue differently.  And by the time a woman comes to me for support, it is hard to get clarity around what she really wants to say…or, wanted to say; wishes she had said.

The same holds true, by the way, for friendships.  There are often parallels between what happens in divorce and what happens in the demise of a close friendship.

Why is this?

Well, if we aren’t saying what we really want and need to say, our partner/friends can’t hear what we really want and need them to hear.

It is not much more complicated than that.

You see, here is the simple truth.  You don’t have to be, do or say anything special to be loved.  Nope.  You just have to be YOU.

Honest you.

Authentic you.

Compassionate you.

Loving you.

Direct you.

Kind you.

Beautiful you.

 YOU…are enough.

You don’t have to buy sexy clothes. You don’t have to prepare fancy meals.  You don’t have to clean your house top to bottom.  Nor do you have to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, your desires or your interests to express your love and devotion.

You…the raw truth of who you are, is perfectly enough. 

Love is meant to be shared, from the inside out.  It is not meant to be earned, bought or judged.  It is simply meant to be felt and shared.

When you find yourself in a relationship or friendship that is causing you to work hard to do, be or say anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are, it is time to come clean.  It is time to say what needs to be said and allow the relationship to grow…or fade.

While this is not an easy thing to do, it is what will lead you to freedom.

Freedom to be the YOU that you are meant to be!

Over Thanksgiving weekend I read a book that I have been wanting to read for a long time.  Called The Last Lecture, this book is a recounting of the final lecture presented by computer science professor Randy Pausch as part of a lecture series at the Carnegie Mellon University.  Randy’s lecture was titled “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”, and although he talked about exactly this, it was far more than that.

Before reading the book, I knew very little about Randy Pausch other than the fact that he had delivered an extraordinary speech before his untimely death at a young age leaving behind his beloved wife and three small children.

It was an easy read and yet, even after reading as many books on personal growth and intentional, positive living as I have, he shared a number of wonderful lessons that I have been thinking about ever since.

The one that resonates the most with me is about perseverance and determination, and yet, is remarkably simple at the same time.  Essentially, nothing that you or I haven’t heard before, but for whatever reason, his presentation of it reinforced my own sense of responsibility and personal power.

Randy says, “Brick walls are there for a reason.  They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

BAM!  What a simple and powerful statement!!

While reading this, I was reminded of just how persistent we must be when we really, truly want something for ourselves.  So often when we come up against our own brick walls, we retreat in fear, frustration or fury.  Instead of remaining committed to our goal and increasing our efforts to reach it, we view the obstacle as too big to overcome, to exhausting to deal with or too much to handle.  You know what I am talking about?

These brick walls are given to us for a reason, and provide us with an opportunity not only to grow, but to review and revise our strategy for moving forward.  It is all in the way that we view them and how we choose to respond to them.

Despite my best attempts, I too find myself occasionally giving up way to quickly and feeling frustrated at experiencing yet another roadblock.    Or, worse, taking the “low and easy road” when responding and making the situation even worse for myself.   Has this ever happened to you?

When going through and moving forward after divorce it can feel like you come up against one brick wall after the other and therefore the challenges also feel insurmountable and your dreams, vision and goals unachievable.   But it is not true!  It is only the lens through which you are looking…a lens that reflects your temporary exhaustion, sadness, fear and frustration!

Randy, through his last lecture, shares with us the gifts that our brick walls have to give.  That they are there to inspire us, to raise our bar and fight through our fears as we push forward and go out and get what we want.  His words are written so that his children will know who he is.  So that they will understand his character and the values that he holds dear.  At the same time that he helps us to reframe how we face our brick walls, he reminds us that our even greater obligation is to remember that we are modeling for and teaching our children and those we love.  How we move forward sets the standard for our children and informs their values.   How we live our life is the legacy we leave our children, our families and our community.

His message is powerful.

Randy’s book reignited a passion in me to focus on my dreams and commit to doing whatever it takes to achieve them.

Whatever your latest challenge, it will not be the last brick wall that you will be faced with.   I hope that now, when it does come, you will choose to view it as an opportunity.  And that you will not only get clear on exactly what you do want, but accept the challenge as a way for you to prove just how badly you want it!

As you embrace your brick walls, please share them so that we can all celebrate your courage, strength and perseverance!

What a month! Have you ever woken up one morning to find that you are way off track and moving in the wrong direction?

Today I want to share with you, openly and honestly, that despite knowing exactly how to live my ideal life and deliberately create what I want in my life, I woke up this week and realized that I had gotten pulled off my path.

Actually, to be brutally honest, I had allowed myself to get derailed and (gulp) I had, for a brief time, played the role of a victim.

Yes, ME!

It did not take me long to realize what had happened and to get back on track, but I recognize, once again, just how easy it is to take a wrong turn.

Divorce can create challenges even many years after it is “over”. Especially when there are children involved, the issues around co-parenting and communication can show up when you least expect it.

This summer my children’s sports schedules presented extremely complicated travel arrangements. Believing that my Ex would be open to coordinating the schedules with me, I sat back and made assumptions upon which I made decisions….decisions that did not turn out the way that I thought they would.

Instead of pro-actively planning my time the way I wanted to, I gave up my power and the result was not only having to cancel a trip that I had been planning for almost a year but needing to be away at tournaments four consecutive weekends in a row with one son and forfeiting most of my time with my other son for those four weeks.

I won’t go into all of the details (although there were many unpleasant moments during this time) but in the spirit of full disclosure, I admit that I had stepped fully into being a victim, feeling taken advantage of, being angry and acting sorry for myself. Not to mention being exhausted (emotionally and physically), overwhelmed and falling behind in many other areas of my life.

Have you ever gotten to this place?

It wasn’t until the morning after the final tournament that I woke up realizing that I had gotten way off track. That I was somewhere I didn’t want to be….and I had allowed it.

I was not a victim.
I was angry…but mostly at myself.
I had allowed it to happen.
I had not taken control of my own life.

The moment I took responsibility for getting off track, I was able to get myself right back to where I wanted to be. I have also learned a few valuable lessons, not only about myself, but about how I would like to move forward.

I was reminded again of just how easy it is to take that wrong turn…to end up someplace you don’t want to be. However, I also was reminded that it is my CHOICE of whether to remain stuck there or get myself right back on track. Our destiny is within our control. What happens next is a choice we make.

So today I am grateful. Grateful to have had this experience (I could have done without the self imposed misery for that few weeks!!!) so that I can not only share it with you, but support you as you face the moments you find yourself off track.

Oooohhh, I almost forgot! I wanted to share with you the new D Spot facebook page where you can see my daily thoughts, fun resources, updates on upcoming events… I would love to be connected with you in between each Dzine so I hope you will join me there! (and, go ahead and “like” it if you want…it always makes me feel good!) www.facebook.com/discoverthedspot

The celebration of July 4th this year really got me thinking!

Last month, a 20 year old young man from my town was killed in Afghanistan while serving our country. Upon hearing the news, I was overwhelmed by the loss of such a young soldier and gratitude for his ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and independence.

As we moved into the July 4th holiday weekend, I found myself doing more than my usual reflecting on this celebration of independence and what that really means to me.

The more I thought, the more I found that there is a deep connection between independence, freedom and divorce. And that it all truly begins within ourselves.

From a bigger perspective, I am profoundly aware of what it means to be free and independent of a government or dictatorship that strips us of our rights to speak freely, choose freely and live the life we desire. The recent loss of this young man confirms just how fortunate I am to have this freedom and how grateful I am to have it protected.

But as the holiday weekend continued, I found myself reflecting on the freedoms I have in my own life and what exactly independence means to me.

To help me, I first looked up the true definition of independence, which is “freedom from control or influence of another or others” and from there a flood of thoughts entered my mind.

I want to share with you some of the reflections that I had as I spent time journaling and exploring the relationship between divorce and independence/freedom:

1.   I am grateful to have the RIGHT to choose exactly how I want to live my life.

During the final stages of my marriage, I was often filled with an intense desire to break free of what I felt was a relationship and life that did not allow me to live the life I truly wanted. What I have learned since my divorce is that we all have the right to live the life we imagine and deserve, regardless of circumstance. And we have the power to do exactly that.

These years since my divorce have taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to choose and deliberately create the life I want to live. Not only is it my right, but it is a choice that I make each and every day remembering that there are people in the world who do not have that choice. I am grateful for this freedom.

2.   Freedom sometimes comes at a cost.

Getting divorced eliminated the “excuse” that my marriage prevented me from living my ideal life and the freedom to create my next chapter. While my divorce gave me the freedom to choose and took away this excuse, it also put the power of “what comes next” directly into my hands. No more excuses.

Since my divorce, I have learned what it means to be free to choose and to make decisions that will shape the direction of my life. What I never anticipated was what it would mean to make these many decisions and the challenges that come with complete freedom. Having complete freedom can also come with fear, insecurity and doubt, which left me taking time to explore, understand and learn how to manage this incredible new independence.

3.   Freedom can be overwhelming and frightening.

I was unprepared for the level of fear, insecurity and doubt that would come with my new freedom and independence. It was overwhelming. I felt “uneducated” for the decisions that I would need to now make, incompetent to make them, and insecure about how to move forward.

This “freedom” that once beckoned for me was now scaring me to death! Even these many years later, armed with the knowledge, confidence and skills as a coach, educator and author…I still have moments fear and doubt as I move to design my future. Only now I embrace these feelings and use them to face my fears and take control of my own destiny.

4.   Independence is at the core of creating our new lives after divorce.

It wasn’t long after my divorce that I began to understand what “personal independence” meant to me. It was financial independence, social independence, parental independence, romantic independence, professional independence…in fact; this independence began to weave itself into self reliance.

While searching for support to understand and take control of this overwhelming transition, I decided to try out this thing called a “life coach”.  And she changed my life. Instead of facing this daunting independence and self reliance alone and overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, I now began to face each piece of my new future with a plan for taking action towards designing my new life.

5. Independence can be taught and learned.

Working with my life coach was the first step towards my “education” in deliberate creation. Having never heard these words, I could not imagine what they meant?  However, my journey began by appreciating, understanding and assuming responsibility for my freedom and independence. It was brilliant!

This “education” has not only allowed me to create the life I lead…a life of joy, happiness, fulfillment and purpose, but to share it with others through the D Spot.

My divorce was the catalyst for massive change in my life, but more than anything, it gave me the motivation to learn how to live an ideal life. And now I get to share this with you!

I know that you must be thinking that I have taking this July 4th, Independence Day thing to an entirely crazy level! And you may be right!

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves taking what has always been an ordinary and common place occurrence, and experiencing it in a whole new way. This is what happened to me this year over the long holiday weekend!

I felt obliged to share it with you in the off chance that you may be having or will have a similar experience.

If you did, I hope you will share it with me so that we can, together, move through the life changing transition of divorce and create our ultimate destiny!!!

I have a new friend.  Her name is Monique Honaman and we are absolutely “soul sisters”!  I came upon Monique while I was doing research for my second book which I am having a fantastic time writing! (Stay tuned for more information!!).  After connecting with her on the phone and yet again, feeling like we could talk for hours, she graciously sent me a copy of her new book, “The High Road Has Less Traffic:  honest advice on the path through love and divorce” .  It is fantastic!

I asked Monique if she would be willing to share a little about herself with us and so today I am excited to introduce her to you through this wonderful post about her journey through divorce.  I highly recommend her book as yet another tool in your toolbox of divorce support!!

From Monique:

I’m currently attending a conference in Las Vegas with over 3000 other women. The conference has absolutely nothing to do with divorce, or marriage, or relationships.  It has everything to do with women business owners … smart, motivated, capable, gutsy, risk-taking women who at some point in their lives took an idea and ran with it … and today are women presidents in charge of their own destiny!  It’s ‘girl power’ at its most basic element!

 Like any great women in business conference, there is a ton of time devoted to networking … and like a great group of women go-getters who have never met a stranger … the conversations quickly turn from summarizing our professional lives, and turn to sharing our personal stories.

As soon as I mention that I love to write and recently published a book, “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” I immediately find myself in conversations that I shouldn’t be surprised by anymore. As soon as I mention that my book is based on life lessons learned during my own divorce, I hear all about their divorces as well. It shouldn’t surprise me that many of the women I am meeting are in second marriages. I shouldn’t surprise me that many women joke about having had a ‘starter husband’ as divorce has become so commonplace in our society. It shouldn’t surprise me that these women are full of joy, confidence and happiness having survived, and thrived, through one of life’s toughest emotional battles!

The common theme I am hearing is one which I have been known to say in reflecting back on my own divorce: “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but in hindsight, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”  Divorce is ugly; it’s hateful; it’s painful; it’s rejection at it’s most basic form; it breaks families apart; it takes marriage vows and tears them to shreds; it reduces essentially good people to become people with low moral standards and values.   So how can this horrible thing become something which so many of these wonderful women reflect back on as ‘the best thing that ever happened’ to them?

The common theme I saw was that these women ‘took the high road’ and as painful and hurtful as their divorces were, they were determined to not get stuck in a pity party, looking backwards saying ‘what if’ and ‘if only,’ and instead chose to march forward to determine what adventures lay on the horizon.  These women all chose to let go of all the anger and bitterness which divorce naturally creates, and instead chose to take on a positive attitude. They chose to cast aside blame and hate, find forgiveness, even find some humor in the situation, and decide that forward momentum was the only way to go. All of this behavior characterizes ‘taking the high road’ and I’ve determined this factor alone is the deciding factor in women who survive divorce versus those who thrive after divorce and move on.

I love that feeling, that energy and that edge when you get a group of powerful women together.  There’s a sense that we are invincible and while we will encounter obstacles (life happens, right?), that we will be able to overcome, persevere, and turn lemons into lemonade.   It’s funny the conversations you get into at a women’s business conference. I love that we are open enough to share our personal stories with strangers at a professional venue. We aren’t alone in handling the bumps of life. Many others have been through this before us and sharing our stories, helping others to move forward, is what girl power is all about!

Monique Honaman is the author of “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” available on Amazon.com or at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com.  Monique has survived and thrived and has made it her purpose to encourage others to take the high road where there is always less traffic! She can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com;  Twitter: @highroadthebook; Facebook:  www.Facebook.com/highroadlesstraffic.

Happy belated July 4th!

So, here we are. Last week marked the halfway point of 2011 and what felt like the official start of summer with the long July 4th weekend.

I don’t know about you, but I found myself in a bit of a funk over the holiday weekend this year.

For whatever reason, my weekend had no “mojo”!  And as I took time to sit with my funkiness and reflect on why I was feeling this way, I was once again reminded of the long lasting effect that divorce on our lives.

I spent last Friday in the car driving my youngest son to a lacrosse tournament in Long Island where at the end of the tournament Saturday, my Ex took my son and returned home where he would have my kids for the balance of the weekend.

I tried to stay an extra night in the hopes that I could have a lovely holiday beach day on Sunday, but Mother Nature prevailed and I headed home only to find myself cleaning the house and doing the mundane tasks of laundry, grocery shopping, and errands….mostly feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t have anything “fun” to do!

I am fortunate to be in a relationship with a wonderful man but this was a funk that he didn’t create, nor was capable of or responsible for getting me out of. As he went about doing some of the things he loves (fishing, gardening…), I found myself feeling extremely sad.

Have you ever felt this way?

By Sunday night I had spent some time writing and was beginning to realize exactly what was going on. July 4th, Independence Day, symbolizes not only a weekend of family get-togethers and BBQ’s, but for me, an emphasis on freedom, independence and my right to live the life I imagine and deserve.

This year, with my children as teenagers and only having them half a week, I have been feeling not only their growing independence, but the resulting decrease in time that I see them, coupled with the recognition that the “right” to create my extraordinary life is sometimes daunting and frightening.

Divorce creates a tremendous amount of freedom, but that freedom can feel overwhelming and frightening.

An entire weekend to create fun and fabulous experiences and celebrations, and I had not planned one thing!!!  Well, shame on me!

After my divorce, many of my friendships changed.  Families I once shared holidays with no longer extended invitations to family and holiday get togethers.  My changing social life has required that I open myself up to new friendships and become the iniater of gatherings and celebrations. 

When my children are with me, I am more inspired to create holiday and social plans.   Without them over the July 4th weekend, I suddenly found myself without them or social plans, and I have to admit, I was feeling a bit lonely.  In fact, I was in a absolute FUNK!

Since my divorce, every so often something will trigger that sad, empty and lonely feeling that inevitably causes me to fall into a funk.   I immediately know when I have fallen into the  FUNK,  however happily, I have learned how and know exactly what to do to get myself right out of it!

So, I immediately took action!  I woke up on Monday morning, took a long and wonderful run outside, called a friend so that we could get together and enjoy the sunny day, and then she and I went out for a delicious bloody mary and steamers!

It is all about knowing what to do when we find ourselves in a funk …a funk that can cause us to remain stuck where we are…even paralyzing us from taking action.

Creating “what comes next” is not always easy, but it is ALWAYS in our control!

If you are finding yourself stuck in the sadness and fear, you are not alone.  However, you don’t have to remain there…there are great tools and strategies for pulling yourself right out of it!

If you have been feeling stuck in a funk, I hope you will consider my Summer Coaching Special so that you too can create the life you desire!!!

This week we reach the end of June marking the middle of 2011. I thought it would be a good time to check in with you about how your year is going?

I take time every June to assess the first half of the year and begin planning for the second half.

So, how is it going?

Have you taken big, bold and courageous steps towards accomplishing the goals you set for 2011?

If you haven’t taken time to assess the first half of 2011, then it is time to do so! To help you do that, I have created a mid year worksheet to assist you:

Mid Year Worksheet

1. What are the goals you set for 2011?

2. What actions/steps have you taken to move you towards achieving each goal? Create a list of all of them!

3. Celebrate your accomplishments!!!!

4. What obstacles or challenges have you experienced that have prevented you from taking action towards achieving each goal?

5. What have these obstacles/challenges cost you?

6. What steps can you take TODAY to eliminate these obstacles/challenges?

7. Commit to taking these steps!!!

8. Are there any of your goals that you would like to revise or eliminate?

9. Are there any NEW goals that you would like to set for the second half of 2011?

10. Re-commit to your 2011 Goals and the actions you will take to achieve them!

Don’t worry if you find yourself on a slightly different path than you originally intended…as long as it is a path leading towards your new and exceptional life!

If it’s not, then it is time to explore where you are, where you want to be, and how you are going to get there. Reaching our goals takes discipline and focus so it important to recognize when we take our eyes off the road and make sure to get back on track as quickly as possible!

After you have completed the Mid Year Worksheet, take time one day to create a powerful vision board with all of your new and revised Goals on it! Decorate the board with images and words that inspire you to maximize the balance of 2011!!

This Friday is July 1st, the first day of the second half of the year.

And, I have good news for you!! July 1st is a New Moon! When the Moon is new, the Sun and Moon are aligned in the same sign, and a powerful energy portal is opened. New Moons are a great time to set intentions for things you’d like to create, develop, cultivate, make or manifest.

Congratulations on all that you have accomplished over the past six months! I command you to take time to celebrate all that you have done!

At the same time as you are celebrating, take a moment to re-commit to all that you want to do, be and create in the next six months. I know that you can make it happen because you are brilliant, bold and capable of doing anything you want!!!

On Monday, May 23, I woke up, went downstairs to my kitchen and discovered that the inside of my refrigerator was room temperature.

For any of you who have had this experience, it is a huge pain in the ass. Not even 6:00 in the morning, I was already feeling my stress level rising and anxiety setting in. How early could I call the appliance guy? Would I have to purchase a new refrigerator? How much of my food would I lose?

So, I climbed back upstairs to begin my day, first turning on the tv so that I could get the news of the day. When I turned on the news, I learned that a massive tornado had swept through Missouri, leveling a town called Joplin.

My heart sank. The devastation was extraordinary. Thousands of families were now without their homes, having lost everything. And for hundreds, their lives.

In that very moment, I realized that my broken refrigerator, which felt only minutes ago like a “mini disaster” in my life, was now no big deal. In fact, a feeling of complete gratitude swept over me.

On May 23rd I was reminded that how every challenge, obstacle or moment of adversity is experienced by us is dependent upon the lens that we are looking through.

What can one minute look and feel like a monumentous challenge or feeling of anxiety, can only moments later look completely different if we CHOOSE the meaning we apply to it.

Divorce can present numerous challenges and adverse situations. Whether a result of the legal process of divorce, financial challenges, co-parenting issues, or anything else, our ability to move through these experiences will depend on how we choose to frame them.

I recognize that while a broken refrigerator does not have the same emotional response as the challenges that come up around divorce, I know that we have far more to be grateful for than we often allow ourselves to feel. And that we can move through these challenges in way that minimizes our anxiety and pain.

Issues around infidelity, financial inequity, parental alienation and other painful experiences can create so many overwhelming emotions that we have difficulty finding a lens that will allow us to view these experiences with a different perspective.

Here are three tips to help you change your perspective when faced with a challenging situation:

Imagine a situation that could be worse than the one you are experiencing. While this might sound like advice a mother would give a child complaining about being “starving”, it can actually work when faced with adversity that feels overwhelming.  Ask yourself, what is something that would be far worse than the situation you are currently experiencing?

In the case of my refrigerator, turning on the news gave me a scenario that was far worse than what I was experiencing and immediately reframed my own situation.

Tap into gratitude. During the time of my divorce I was not always good at this. However practicing daily gratitude has helped me to improve my skills and become more comfortable tapping into it when facing difficult situations. Take a moment to ask yourself, is there something about this situation that you can feel grateful for?

While the thought of purchasing a new refrigerator was not something that made me happy, I realized how I could get a new one within 24 hours should I have needed to replace it. As it happens, all that was necessary was a part replacement and my worst case scenario didn’t come to pass.

Focus on options that you have rather than the emotions of the situation. When we are faced with a challenge while we are going through or moving forward after a divorce, it is easy to allow our frustration and emotions take over. We are often exhausted and depleted of energy, which lead us to feel emotionally overwhelmed. A helpful question to ask yourself is how can you manage your challenge in the most practical and efficient way to minimize any unpleasant emotions?

Even after I had seen the news of Joplin, I realized that I still had to deal with the refrigerator issue. Instead of focusing on what was going to happen if I had to replace it and all of its contents, I made a list of what I had to do to deal with it. First I had to call the appliance company and ask them to come out as soon as possible. When they could assess the situation and let me know what was wrong, I would the n take the next step.

During times of great transition, as with a divorce, we can experience more moments of challenge than normal. What happens when we run into an adverse situation is that we see it as “one more thing we have to deal with”, rather than a unique, individual moment. Each challenge becomes one of an ongoing series of challenges instead of one, single situation that can be managed with minimal overwhelm.

Remember this, you will never be given more to manage than you can handle!

How wonderful is that!  Once you know that you can and will successfully navigate any challenge that comes your way, it merely becomes a question of energy and endurance!

What is one challenge that you can reframe and manage with ease and grace? W

hat lens will you choose to look through the next time you face a difficult situation?

I look forward to hearing your personal stories!!!

Shared custody.

This sounded fair at the time, especially because I respect and encourage a strong and healthy relationship between my two boys and their father and believe that shared custody is in the best interests of all children wherever possible.

However knowing that it is “fair” and that it is the custody arrangement that is in the best interest of my children meant nothing when it was time for them to go to their father’s for the first time.  I watched them go knowing that I would not see them again for four days.  As they pulled out of the driveway the tears began to fall.

Four days.  Four days without my children.  How was I going to bear the lonliness of it? I was overwhelmed with the loss of what I had always wanted, to be a mother 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  Now what?

I made it through the first week…barely, and then the second.  Each week became a little easier as I started filling up my time with friends, meetings, appointments, errands and anything that I could do to make the empty feeling go away.

Well that was almost 7 years ago.  And over time I have come to (dare I say) enjoy having a bit of free time to reconnect to myself,  enjoy new relationships, spend time with friends and work on my business without it taking away from time with my children.

Sharing your children with your Ex is something that is part of divorce.  But you never get used to it.

You never get used to going to sleep at night knowing that your children’s beds are empty in their rooms.  You never get used to missing the opportunity to take care of them when they are sick in the middle of the night.  You never get used to going entire days without seeing or speaking to them.

I have come to feel GRATEFUL for the invention of texting technology. Yes, I said it.  Texting.  While my oldest son is now driving and I am scared to death of the texting while driving statistics, I am still grateful for the technology that allows me to communicate with them anytime, day or night.

If you have teenagers, you realize that they only want to talk with you and hang out with you when it is convenient for them and they are interested, which is not often.  Because divorce often includes shared custody, this already small amount of time they are interested in talking to you is made even less by having them only part the week.

When they were small, I would only be able to speak to them on the phone when they were with their father if the timing worked out, otherwise I could go a few days without seeing or speaking to them.  And I missed my children terribly.

With cell phone technology and the invention of texting, the game changed.  Yes I call them whenever I want to hear their voices, but again, teenagers only answer the phone when they want to.  They, too, screen their calls and mom doesn’t always make the list.  However,  I have come to learn that they always read their text messages!

So now I get to say “Good morning, have a great day today!” every morning.  And I get to send them goodnight wishes and kisses every night.  I even send them random, “I love you” texts during the day when I am feeling the ache of missing them.

The truth is that they don’t always text me back. Sometimes they are in the mood to talk and call me back instead of texting.   But I know that they always read my text messages.   And they know that I am thinking about them and loving them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

And while it is not a substitute for seeing them, it allows me to share my love, support, humor, and often pertinent information with them directly and often.

We don’t need permission to connect to our children.  We don’t need to have custody of our children every day to connect to them.   All we need to do is love them and let them know it, any way we can.

Oh, and the answer to the question?  NO.  You never get used to sharing your children, not even with your Ex.  But, the joy of technology means that there are more and more ways to connect with them while you are apart.

If  you have found creative ways of connecting with your children when they are with your Ex, I welcome and encourage you to share them with us!

I have a new friend…and I LOVE her!  Her name is Ellie Scarborough and she is my kind of girl!  When I first discovered Ellie I was surfing the web (which I find myself doing quite a bit) and browsing through the websites of women that inspire me.  While surfing, I came upon her logo and it was love at first site!

She is the founder (with her partner Amy Lynch)  of Pink Kisses, one of the most fabulous sites I have seen in a long time!   No, Ellie is not divorced, but she knows what breakups are all about.  And, let’s face it…divorce is the ultimate breakup!

The mission of Pink Kisses is simple…To help women forget their Ex and find their inner badass.  Amen Sister!  I am all about the inner badass!  In fact, I adore their tagline…”moving on is the best revenge”, because I could not agree more.

I immediately sent her an email begging to talk so that we could connect an swap stories of moving on and reinvention.  She called me almost instantaneously and immediately we knew we would become great friends!

When I told her that I thought her logo was great, she introduced me to “Betty”!  Betty is their mascot and as Ellie explained, she is “a mix of sugar, spice, and everything nice…with a tiny little hint of scandal. That’s how Betty was born. Nobody knows where she’s from, and nobody knows her last name, but everybody who’s laid eyes on her knows she’s freaking fantastic. We’re not sure how old she is or how many hearts she’s broken, but she’s funny and smart and sassy and cool and she could probably take you down to Chinatown in an arm-wrestling competition. She’s 100 percent bad@ss and we love her. When you find yourself in a bind, thinking about calling up your ex, just ask yourself this very important question:

“What would Betty do?”

Fabulous, right?

What I love so much about Ellie and her business is her commitment to making women feel good at a time when they are struggling.  She shared with me that the intention of Pink Kisses is to change women’s live by helping them to recognize their own strength and accept their independence as part of a big, awesome adventure.  I couldn’t get enough of her!

As you probably know, I refer to this adventure as the journey and we spent almost an hour talking about are own adventures and all that has come into our lives as a result of our breakups.

Yes, divorce is a different kind of breakup and when there are children involved, it is a whole new ballgame.  Ellie couldn’t imagine how it felt to go through a divorce, especially when there are children involved, and she made me feel like the most courageous and amazing woman in the world!

The company’s signature service, The Betty Action Plan, serves that purpose by sending an email  around lunchtime everyday with an action step to take the focus off the Ex and put it squarely where it belongs: on helping a girl find her inner badass.

I have taken advantage of the Betty Action Plan and it rocks!  Getting a fabulous email everyday devoted to ME and my moving on adventure is awesome…and provides just the right amount of inspiration and motivation to focus on the most important part of breaking up…reinventing ourselves!

Ladies of the D Spot…., meet Ellie and Pink Kisses, you’re gonna love them!!!