The D Spot

There is nothing that can be more painful, and empowering, than healing from and moving forward after divorce.  And more specifically, from the process of understanding what really happened.

  Not just looking back and re-living the awful behavior of our partner; the infidelity, the verbal abuse, the self-centeredness, the insensitivity, the lack of  passion, lack of attention and inability to partner fully, but understanding the real reasons that things didn’t work out in the first place.

I knew early on in my marriage that mine was  not the right marriage, or relationship, for me.  Of course I didn’t know it intellectually, but rather way, deep down inside; in a place thickly covered by fear, sadness, disappointment, and a desire to make it work as I believed I was supposed to do.

Many years later, as my courage, confidence and shear unhappiness allowed me to set my “knowing” free and eventually divorce, I found myself in the process of moving forward after divorce.  And even my “knowing” that divorce was the right thing for us did not prevent the pain, the sadness and the exhaustion of doing the hard work of understanding what happened, so that I could begin to create the life I truly did want.

Initially this process began with the comfort of fully exploring (elaborating) and accepting all of the things that my husband had done to prevent our marriage from working.  All of his inadequacies, his imperfections and his inability and unwillingness to do what it would take to make it a salvageable relationship.

After all, his choices, his behavior and his lack of contribution to the solution was the “real” reason for the divorce, wasn’t it?

My friends and family were perfectly happy discussing (over and over again), how imperfect he was.  How at fault he was.  Clearly they all could see the truth as well.  Or, what I realize now, was their attempt to make me feel better by perpetuating the justification of why I made the right decision.

As I began to create my new, empowered, and “ideal” life, I began to let go of my sadness, my anger and my frustration with beginning anew, and instead, embrace it.  And as I did, with the help of my own amazing coaches and new friends, I also began to question if I had been truly honest about what really happened in our relationship and marriage. It was pointed out to me that I had never asked myself the most important question of all, what role had I played in it not working out?

And so I did.

What I learned is that it is in answering this question that the greatest amount of healing is done.  The self-exploration around how I had contributed to the dynamic of our relationship was ultimately the key to having everything I want.  And it in no way marginalized, diminished or condoned the role my husband played.  The truth; there wasn’t anything either one of us could have done to make the relationship or marriage work, for many reasons.  But I now understand exactly what I want to receive and what I want to bring to the table in a new relationship.

It isn’t easy to ask the question, “what did I do?”, because it forces us to face our own inadequacies and imperfections.  And if you did not initiate your divorce, and don’t fully understand what happened, this will be particularly painful.  I strongly recommend that you get the kind of support you need and deserve to do this self-exploration in a safe and comfortable way.

So, if you haven’t asked yourself this question, why not?

•  Is it that you feel that you, in no way, deserved the kind of treatment you have gotten from your Ex so no matter what you did, it is irrelevant?
   
• Is it that his/her infidelity or abusive behavior far exceeds anything you might have contributed so anything you did is insignificant relative to how horrible you have been treated?
   
• Or is it that when married, no matter what we contribute, there is an “obligation” to stay in the marriage and make it work?  Especially for the children?

 Here’s the truth; the greatest gift you can give yourself is to understand your role in the demise of your relationship and marriage, despite what your Ex has done.  Not only will this set you free, but it is the way to begin the process of letting go of what was to make room for what will be. 

I am in no way saying that this is easy, far from it.  But it is in this journey to understanding that true healing becomes possible.

When I got divorced, I remember saying to my mother, “This is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life.” I was sad when I said it, and stuck in the disappointment of my failed marriage. Divorce had definitely not been part of my life plan.

This past week, I had to go for a follow up mammogram after my initial one came back needing “further imaging”. I hadn’t given it much thought until I was headed down to the Smilow Cancer Center at Yale for my follow up visit, when a little voice inside me said “what if they find something?”

Now I am not a particularly big worrier and my approach to life is to cross bridges when I come to them. But at that very moment, alone in the car, I thought to myself, let my divorce be the most challenging transition I ever have to go through. I was afraid.

As it happens, the results were perfect and I am just fine, but the experience got me thinking about where exactly I thought I would be at this point in my life and where I think I am going.

If that were not enough, over the weekend I found out that a friend, not an intimate best friend, but another woman and mother in my town, lost her oldest daughter to a tragic house fire while away at college. I was stunned. My son is going to be 18, soon on his way to college. I just simply can’t imagine her pain and suffering. Again, I found myself grateful for blessing of my healthy and safe children, and the amazing life that I truly do lead.

The truth is that no, I never did think that I would be divorced, raising my kids as a single parent, working hard to secure my financial future, looking at empty nesting as a time to launch my next chapter, and managing far more alone than I thought I would.

Divorce can feel like the old fashioned game of pick up sticks. Remember that game?

After holding the sticks tightly together, you released them with force sending them all over the table. Then, one stick at a time you pick them up, making sure not to touch or move any other stick as you do it.

It took patience and a good strategy for addressing which stick should be picked up first so that none of the others would be affected.

Divorce can feel that way. It can feel as though all of the areas of our lives have been forcibly let go and now are scattered around us waiting to be picked up. And as we begin to create our new lives, everything we do will affect all of the other parts.

And of course, we never expected it. We never imagined while walking down the aisle at our wedding, that our future would include divorce. But today, I am grateful that I do not have breast cancer and my children are healthy and safe.

In fact, I have taken quite a bit of time this week not only to be fully present in my gratitude, but to embrace the incredible control that I have over what comes next.

Divorce has not made me a victim; instead it has given me the gifts of courage, strength, creativity, self awareness, gratitude, love, and control over my destiny.

There are things over which we have control, and there are things that we do not.

This is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life, but it is a glorious place to be. And while I don’t know what my future holds, I do know that I can create it in any way that I want.

Join me in doing a simple exercise that will help you to gain a new perspective on the life magnificent life that you are living.

Take out a piece of paper and write on the top of it, “The Magnificent Stage Upon Which My Life is Built”. Underneath this, write down all of the things that are present in your life today.

If your children are healthy, write down “My children are healthy!”

If you have a home that you live in comfortably, write down “I live in a home that I am comfortable in!”

Perhaps your kids are grown, or you don’t have any, and you are free to live anywhere you want, write down “I can live anywhere I want!”

I want you to list your assets, attributes, and accomplishments. Your abilities, strengths and opportunities.

For those of you who I am or have worked with, you know that a big part of the planning for what comes next and the designing of your new life after divorce, is being able to see and create opportunities and possibilities…even when they “feel” impossible.

Don’t limit yourself to what you can already see, open yourself up to what might be. I know it can be frightening, but just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it is not there!

So no, this is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life, but it is where I am. And I am excited about what the next chapter will look like and the unimaginable joy it will bring!

As we prepare to enter 2012, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts with you.  You are such an incredible part of my life; I want you to know just how much I appreciate you!

Before I do, I would like to ask you to do something for me.  Take a few moments over the next day or so to find a quiet place, close your eyes and think back to this time last year.  What was going on in your life?  What challenges have you overcome this past year?  What accomplishments have you made?  Reflect on all the joyful moments that you experienced!

Now, take out a piece of paper and make a list of all that happened over the past year to bring you to today.

If your experience is anything like mine, you will be amazed at just how much has happened and how far you have come!

I have never been a fan of resolutions.  I find them to be unrealistic, unachievable and often lacking in intention and motivation.  My business background has made me more comfortable with visioning, setting goals and creating a plan for achieving them.  What I never realized before my own divorce, was how critical this planning process is to our personal lives, not just our professional lives.  So, as you enter the New Year this weekend, hopefully you will indulge yourself in beginning this process for your life!

Wherever you are in your journey, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  And, you have all that you need already within you.  Isn’t that a relief!!!

My hope for you is that this is the year that you acknowledge what is holding you back from your magnificent destiny, and commit to making the changes in your life that will set you free.  You know what I am talking about.  The self-sabotaging behaviors and choices that keep you where you are instead of empowering you to be the woman you are meant to be.

This inner work is not easy, and it can be painful and extremely uncomfortable.  But through this pain and discomfort will come exquisite freedom and unimaginable joy!

You are magnificent!

You are beautiful!

You are stronger than you can possibly imagine!

You are courageous!

You are capable of doing anything you want!

You are not your divorce story.  You are whatever you choose to be.  You can rewrite your story any way that you want.  It is time for you to change it up! Get crazy! Imagine that the impossible is absolutely possible…because it is!  The only thing holding you back…is you.

This is the perfect time for you to step powerfully into being the extraordinary woman that you are!  To reconnect with your purpose, your soul, your truth and your unique talents and gifts!

In 2012, you are free to do, be and create anything you can imagine!

It is all there, waiting for you.  2012 is YOUR year to reclaim a life of abundance, passion, prosperity, wellness, joy, peace and magic!

It continues to be a privilege and pleasure to not only know you, but to serve and support you!  I hope that this year we will enjoy a greater connection and friendship…I am always here for you.  You are never alone!

You can find all of my new events and workshops for 2012 here!

What an AWESOME week!

On October 4 I had the privilege and pleasure to be a presenter at a fabulous event called Convention Eleven: An Empowerment Conference for Women! It was an entire day devoted to women, empowerment and reclaiming our power!  My workshop was on Falling in Love with you and Your Life and we had a blast!

I hadn’t intended it but midway through the workshop, we got focused on what gives us our swagger.

For those of you who don’t know, swagger is defined by Urban Dictionary as “how one presents him or her self to the world. Swagger is shown by how the person handles a situation. It can also be shown in the person’s walk.” Essentially, it is slang for MOJO and the way in which we put ourselves out there.

During our time together we explored what swagger is to us. For some it was wearing high heals, for others it was fabulous new lipstick. For some it wasn’t physical appearance related at all, it was the completion of a project or overcoming a challenge.  We looked back in our lives to a time when we felt that the world was ours to own…a time when endless opportunity and possibilities lay in front of us and we knew deep in our hearts that we could accomplish anything. And then, we took careful note of what we did back then; what we wore, how we spent our time, what thoughts ran through our minds and the way we presented ourselves to the world.

Together we reminisced, we giggled and we reclaimed our SWAGGER!

It got me thinking about the D Spot, and why I have chosen to do what I do. Listening to the women as they shared what made them feel good, confident and sexy, I was reminded of exactly why I created the D Spot. And today I want to share that with you!

Do you know where your D Spot is? Better yet, do you even know what the D Spot is?

When I first began my business, I defined the D Spot as the point at which divorce ends and your destiny begins.

Awesome, right? I love this definition and all of the principles I speak, teach and write about, as well as coach clients with, are built on its foundation.

However, I have recently begun to add-on to this definition as I don’t feel that it speaks strongly enough to the beauty, excitement and seduction of the journey during and after divorce.

As I move along my own journey through and after divorce, I am reminded all the time that the D Spot is far more than that. The D Spot is really about creating a sexy, juicy life as you move forward after divorce.

It is the spot within you that may have lay dormant during your marriage and even immediately following, and is now ready to reclaim its position in your life.

The D Spot is the place within you that you sometimes pretend isn’t there. That piece of you that wants to do, be and experience things that you tell yourself you don’t deserve, and can’t have. It is also the piece of you that knows what you really want…and that you CAN have it all.

As you move through and after divorce, you will find yourself on a journey to discover your D Spot. The authenticity of who you are…the reality of what you want. This is at the core of what your new life will look like and will become the foundation on which it is built. It is the force within you that wants to play, touch, feel and experience uninhibited joy, desire and fulfillment.

It is possible that along this journey you will feel the greatest discomfort. However, with this discomfort will come your greatest growth.

The key is to focus your attention and energy on what will be instead of what was. Take a few minutes to reflect on who you really are at your core…who you know you are meant to be! To all of the things that make you feel good, that make you giggle, that make you feel sexy, silly and strong.

You are meant to and CAN live a happy, healthy, juicy, sexy, vibrant, exciting, passionate, meaningful, curious and colorful life!

So, let me ask again…do you know where your D Spot is? What would it mean if you found it?!

Yes, you heard me. Everything you need to create your new and ideal life you learned in your marriage.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized this. But as it happens, it’s true.

It doesn’t matter what your marriage was like, you are and will learn everything you need to know from it.

While I was married I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I even thought that while I wasn’t perfect, I was certainly not to blame for the demise of my marriage…that it was clearly not my fault.

As it turns out, none of these are exactly true. I didn’t know at all what I was doing, I didn’t really know what I want (and need), I had no idea of how to get it and although the divorce was not my “fault”….I absolutely contributed to the deterioration of my marriage.

Looking back now, I realize that my divorce was the catalyst for massive personal growth and that ultimately, my ability to live the life I have now, my ideal life, I owe to all that I learned in my marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t come to this realization easily…nor was the learning process easy either. Before I recognized that my divorce gave me everything I needed to create what I have now, I first went through the pain of it:

• asking myself how it could happen to me
• defending my position as a “victim”
• trying to figure out what would come next
• wondering if I was ever going to find love again
• managing the challenges of co-parenting
• worrying about how to support myself financially

The list went on and on.

I was so immersed on all that was happening to me and consumed by the inequity of it all that I didn’t realize how out of focus I had become.

All I knew was that I had lost my sizzle….my mojo, my “sexy”! I was tired and uninspired. My divorce was over, the papers signed and it was now in my past, but nothing was changing.

And then I reached the moment. The moment when I had enough. The thing about me is that when I have had enough…I mean ENOUGH, I must take massive action.

The problem is that I wasn’t sure what to do, and what actions to take. I had been in therapy for a long time, which had given me the opportunity to explore, review and assess what I had gone through, but now I was ready to make a move. I wanted to move forward and to reclaim my sizzle…get my MOJO and sexy back! It was time.

My journey began with a fabulous life coach who helped me to get clear on what actions to take…and why. But the amazing thing about it was that it was while working with her that I realized that I had learned everything I needed to know through my marriage and its deterioration. I couldn’t believe it.

I had been focusing on the pain, the loss, and all that I no longer had, instead of on what I wanted, needed and now knew.

While you may not know it yet, here is what you are and will learn as you move through and after your divorce:

You will learn what is most important to you.

I truly believed when I began dating my husband and as we started our life together, that I knew what was most important to me. Whether as a woman, wife or mother-to-be, I would have sworn that I knew exactly what it was supposed to look and feel like.

And yet, what I thought mattered most at that time was not accurate, and does not hold true today.

I hadn’t fully known my values and priorities. I thought I did, but it wasn’t without incredibly hard work and being completely honest with myself that I learned my core values.

Over the course of my marriage, and through my increasing unhappiness, I realized that I had not, in fact, really known what mattered most. I had been guided by what I believed “should” matter most. If I knew then what I know now, my decisions and choices would have been vastly different. I know now what does matter most and it is this knowledge that has become the foundation upon which my new, amazing life has been built.

You learn what your greatest weaknesses are.

It is not that I thought I was “perfect”, but it wasn’t until my marriage ended and I began my journey towards creating what would come next that I truly learned what role I had played in its demise. The more I reflected on, explored and worked to understand what had happened in my marriage, the more I learned about me…the good, and the not so good.

It was easy at the time to blame my husband for our marriage failing and to defend my role it in. But that wasn’t fair. We both contributed to its demise; and while he may or may not assume responsibility for his part, it was and is important for me to take responsibility for mine. What we often don’t realize is that taking responsibility for our weaknesses will never diminish anyone else’s bad behavior. Instead it just makes us stronger, wiser and ready for the juicy new life that is waiting for us!

I can’t say that this part of the journey has been my favorite; it is sometimes painful to become aware of and accountable for our imperfections. I can say that the more I understand my imperfections, the more I embrace them. And the more I embrace them, the more I am able to grow and evolve, turning them into attributes that allow me to strengthen the relationships in my life and enjoy far more wonderful experiences than ever before.

You learn who you are and who you are not.

I hardly recognize the woman who was the “wife” in my marriage. As I mentioned, she had lost her sizzle, mojo and “sexy”! It happened slowly over time as I worked hard to be the kind of wife and mother that I believe I “should” be.

I didn’t know who I was at my core, and therefore there was no way for me to be able to walk fully in the power of my amazingness! I wanted to be and do everything for everyone, waiting for affirmation of my hard work and sacrifice and to be granted permission to do and be all the things that make me giggle with joy!

Unfortunately, because I entered my marriage without knowing who I really was and am, there was no way that our union could work. And while my marriage did not work, the journey of learning who I am has opened the door to a life that I could have only imagined and that has allowed me bring my mojo and sexy back to all of the roles I have!

You learn all that you don’t know.

This was the most challenging thing to learn and yet at the same time, it was in learning how much I don’t know that the spark of curiosity in my soul was ignited.

When your marriage dissolves and you go through the process of divorce, you quickly realize how much you don’t know. During that time I found myself asking the same question over and over again, “how did I get here?”

I simply didn’t know. I didn’t know what had happened. And now, I didn’t know who to be, what to do and how to do it. So I started asking questions. I became curious. Before long my curiosity had taken over. I wanted to learn about me, what I do and why. I wanted to learn how to make choices that would be great for me. I also wanted to learn about those around me; my children, my friends, my family and men. I wanted to understand why they do what they do.

In my quest to understand, I have learned that there are amazing people and resources to support me along my journey and to help me be a better woman, mother, partner and friend.

I am still aware of how little I know and I take every opportunity to learn and to grow. It is this curiosity that has become the catalyst for my growth and has opened up amazing opportunities and possibilities.

As we enter the final quarter of 2011, I hope you will join me on a journey to understand all that you have learned through your marriage, and divorce, so that together we can create a foundation upon which your new and SPECTACULAR life will be built!

When is the last time you made “shift” happen?

When is the last time you recognized that things might not be going the way that you want them to go and rather than make excuses for why they aren’t or sit back and accept that this is the way your life is supposed to be (the “I am a victim in my own life” approach), instead assume responsibility and take massive action to turn things around?

I don’t mean hoping that tomorrow will be a better day than today or wishing that you had better luck, I mean MASSIVE action?

Let me explain what I mean.

Have you ever ended a relationship only to look back and see all the things that “should have” been red flags that you ignored at the time? And now know that having been unable to “see” the red flags resulted in your staying in a relationship that didn’t serve you far longer than you needed to be.

Has this ever happened to you?

Falling out of flow, or disconnecting from your Power of Intention while you are moving through divorce is a similar experience.

Have you ever find yourself wondering why you are not in the relationship you desire, why you are facing mounting financial challenges, why you are unable to enjoy a fun and sexy social life, or why you avoid taking the steps to living a healthy and fit life?

Or, perhaps you are feeling like things never go your way?

While you may have felt this way when you were in your marriage, many of you may be experiencing these emotions now as you move through or forward after your divorce.  And chances are, you have been slowly disconnecting from your own FLOW for a long time.

Ending a long term relationship or marriage and going through a divorce often disrupts our connection with our FLOW and disconnects us from our Power of Intention.

As I mentioned last week, if you want to read a fabulous book about the Power of Intention, pick up or download Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way. If this entire concept is new to you, I promise that you will enjoy it as a wonderful introduction to taking control of your own destiny!

What I really want to share with you is not just how easy it is to lose sight that the best is yet to come, even if you can’t see it yet, but more importantly, the ways in which you can shift your thinking NOW to help open the door to all that will be as you begin to create your new life!

The following is taken from Dr. Dyer’s book and are four ways of thinking that can prevent you from reaching for and connecting to your Power of Intention and the ways you can SHIFT your thoughts to open to all that can be:

• Thinking about what is missing in your life. To match up with intention, you first have to catch yourself in that moment you’re thinking about what’s missing. Then shift to intention. Not what I find missing in my life, but to what I absolutely intend to manifest and attract into my life – with no doubts, no waffling, and no explaining!
• Thinking about the circumstances of your life. If you don’t like some of the circumstances of your life, by all means don’t think about them. You must train your imagination to shift from what you don’t want to what you do want. All of that mental energy you spend complaining about what is – to anyone who will listen – is a magnet for attracting more of what is into your life.
• Thinking about what has always been. When your inner speech focuses on the way things have always been, you act upon your thoughts of what has always been, and the universal all-creating force continues to deliver what has always been. Make a shift and catch yourself when you’re focusing on what always has been, and move your inner speech to what you intend to manifest.
• Thinking about what “they” want for you. There’s probably a long list of people who have strong ideas about what you should do, how you should be thinking and what you should feel. Practice catching yourself when you have a thought of what others want for you, and ask yourself, Does this expectation match up with my own? Shift your attention away from what other want or expect for you to how you want to live your life.

I hope that this gives you just few tools for making “shift” happen!

You are not meant to be sad, lonely, “un-fun”,angry, resentful, uninterested and closed off.   Take a few minutes to remember who you really are at your core…who you know you are meant to be!

You ARE meant to live a happy, healthy, juicy, sexy, vibrant, exciting, passionate, meaningful, curious and colorful life!  Together we will put these principles and more into practice to turn your new reality into the foundation for your amazing future!

What a month!

Were you affected by the Hurricane?  My town and home was hit pretty hard by Hurricane Irene and I was rendered without power for three days and without cable/internet for a week, so I have been a bit behind on my writing but was eager to write this for you today!

 While everyone in my family is safe, my property sustained significant damage and unfortunately, a major tree limb fell onto my car which is now at the shop waiting to be repaired! At least it can be repaired so I am grateful!

Something happened to me this summer that I didn’t think could or would happen to me again.  I experienced for the first time in many years, the feeling of a loss of control over my life.

 It is hard for me to even write this because although I recognized certain signs of stress and overwhelm, I never really saw it coming.

 This feeling a loss of control is really just a lack of connection with my own power of intention, a power that I not only take seriously, but practice each and every day.  So, imagine my surprise when I realized what had happened.

I am sharing this with you because it is so common when going through and moving forward after divorce, to lose this connection to the power of intention and its role in the creation of your new life. 

Given this summer’s economic issues and debt ceiling debates, the recent series of hurricane, tornado and floods, and any personal challenges you may be facing, it is highly likely that you may be experiencing the same feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and loss of control.

 Have you experienced any of these feelings lately?  How have you been managing them?

 Last year I read Dr. Wayne Dyer’s amazing book, The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way.   It is an incredible book that changed my life, and I have experienced amazing success as a result of practicing intention on a daily basis.  Last week I decided to read it again to more fully understand what happened, reconnect with it, and begin to teach it more diligently with YOU!

When we lose our connection to the Power of Intention, we have essentially allowed our “ego” (which is the idea that we construct about who and what we are and what we are capable of) to determine our life path.  We therefore no longer feel in control.

I found over the summer that my ego took over completely.  Through a series of personal challenges and outside forces, I allowed myself to get caught up in my own shit; mostly drama with my Ex, kids, friends and a number of limiting beliefs…ultimately leading me to forget to practice intention.  I continued to believe in it and talk about it, but I let my actions, words and attention drift to those things that shut down the ability for this incredible power to do its magic.

What did this look like?  Great question!

 I was:

• irritable and short-tempered
• focused on the issues, not the solutions to challenges
• placing my attention on limiting factors, not abundant possibilities
• using language and words that explained why I can’t instead of why I will
• emotional
• tired and depleted of energy
• out of “flow”

 Can you relate to any of these?

If you can, then you may be experiencing a lack of connection with your own Power of Intention.

The good news is that at any moment you can reconnect with it and harness its power to your advantage. 

I am going to share more about the power of intention and how to apply it to your life in next week’s Dzine, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  It is easy to get caught up in our own ego, our own “stuff”, and disconnect from the very thing that will support us in creating this new and fabulous life.

When you learn to apply the Power of Intention in your own life, you will see dramatic results in turning your new reality after divorce into the foundation for an amazing future!

My NEW fall programs have all been designed to teach you how to apply this power to your own life, wherever you are in your journey.  Intention is even more powerful when we come together as a community of amazing women and support each other along the path to abundance. 

 I hope you will join me in one of the two teleclasses that I have put together, So, You’re Getting Divorced (for those who are just thinking about or beginning the divorce process) or Why Can’t I Get Over This (for those of you who are ready to propel yourselves forward after) and allow me the privilege of working with you.

And for those of you who are looking for a total transformation over the next year, consider participating in the Platinum Coaching program, Falling in Love with YOU and Your new Life, that is designed to radically transform all of the areas of your life!

I did it!

As I have already shared with you, the first half of the summer I found myself getting off track and had to refocus, reframe and regroup to get back on track.

For the past two and half weeks, my kid’s have been on a summer vacation with their father.  At first I was a bit emotional about the length of time that they would be away, especially because the three of us had just come off of a few weeks of more than usual conflict and unpleasantness. I never like separating from my kids when we are disconnected and emotionally charged so this was a challenge for me.

However, when I took some time to reflect, I realized that the Universe was granting me the opportunity to relax, reconnect with MYSELF, and process the events of the prior month.

I called each of my children, told them how very much I love them and was sorry that we had experienced such a difficult time, and shared with them that although I would miss them, that the two and a half weeks they would be away would be a great way for us all to regroup and meditate on all that had happened. I made a commitment to them that I would relax and reflect and that when vacation was over, we would sit down and talk about it looking forward not back…and without so much emotion.

So, what did I do you ask?

Well, I did exactly what I told my children (and myself) that I would do. I took these two and a half weeks without them as an opportunity to spend some time on all the areas of my life that need my attention. I took time to regroup, renew and reinvent…basically, to “walk my talk”!

I spent the first week refueling and regrouping. I went to bed early, slept late, caught up with household tasks, read a few books and in all ways simply relaxed!

The second week I devoted myself to catching up with friends, working on my strategic plan for The D Spot (including the awesome fall programs and events I have coming up!), and getting ready for the release of my book, which by the way is happening NOW!

You can now purchase the book directly from my website, http://www.discoverthedspot.com/book.php! The estimated ship date to you is August 20th!!!

I should add that weaved into both weeks, I carved out special time for my wonderful boyfriend and partner so that we could connect emotionally, physically and recreationally. As I move along my own journey after divorce, creating time to share experiences and play together with my intimate partner has become an important priority.

The last few days of these fabulous two and half weeks I spent reflecting on my kids and the relationship that I share with them. Recognizing that they are a little older now, it is apparent that it is time for me to take our relationship to a new, much more transparent level.

As I look back at the turbulence of the early weeks of summer, I realize that there is nothing holding me back from being exactly the mother that want to be and creating exactly the kind of relationship I want with them. Not their father, not lack of time, not lack of resources…only my fear and hesitancy to stand in my truth and set the standard I expect from them. I had fallen prey to my own limiting fears and beliefs, allowing myself to feel like a “victim”.

When we fall into a “victim mentality”, there is very little that will go our way.

It took this time away…time for quiet, reflection and honest communication with myself, to take back my power as a magnificent woman and mother!!

I feel rested, re-energized and re-committed to creating my ideal life as I move towards the last weeks of summer and into the fall.

I hope you join me in taking time over the month of August to reflect, prepare and plan for the fall!

About a year after my divorce, I was fortunate to participate in Tony Robbins’ extraordinary program, Mastery University.  I would have to say that I went into this program reluctantly thinking, “I am not one of those people who needs to be told to think positive thoughts.” I wasn’t looking for motivation and certainly not a self-help guru.

What I really wanted was to figure out where I was going and what would come next. I felt sad, confused and completely overwhelmed by the enormity of the changes from the divorce and had no idea how to move forward.

It was actually my parents and brother who encouraged (actually pushed) me into registering for a “personal development program”. Looking back I think I was just the victim of an intervention!

It was by far the most uncomfortable thing I have ever done. I felt pathetic, scared and unable to understand why I was there. After all, I was fine. I just wanted to move forward and I didn’t need anyone’s help…I knew exactly what I needed to do.

The day I began Mastery University was the day that marked the true beginning of my new life.

The moment the program started, so did my tears. Tears, tears and more tears. I couldn’t imagine where they were all coming from. And as the tears flowed, I found the sadness and anger begin to leave my body. I began to breath, relax and open myself up to what would come next, not knowing at all what that would be.

Sometime over the next few days, we were asked to write about the blessings in our lives. My immediate reaction was that I have my children, my family, my health…beyond that I went blank.

At Tony Robbins events, there are many individuals available to support you through the exercises. One of these coaches saw that I wasn’t writing anymore and stopped to ask me how I was doing. I shared with him that I was recently divorced and trying to figure it all out. That I didn’t feel particularly “blessed”, but rather was grappling with all of the changes going on in my life, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and fear.

He asked me to use the remaining time to complete the sentence, “My divorce is a blessing because….”.

Hmmmm, what on earth was I supposed to do with this?  My divorce as a blessing?????

He told me to just keep writing…not to let my hand stop even if I thought I had nothing more to say. And so I did…and I haven’t stopped since.

Have you ever stopped to think about why or how your divorce is a blessing in your life?

I want to share with you just some of what I wrote that day, and a few of the reasons why my divorce is a blessing:

1.    The divorce journey taught me who I am and what I really want.
2.    I am able to live my truth, every day and in every way.
3.    I have learned to tap into the passion within me.
4.    I reclaimed who I am as a healthy and whole woman.
5.    I reconnected to the magnificence of ME!
6.    I rediscovered my sensuality and sexuality; opening the door to exploring my femininity.
7.    I stepped more fully and powerfully into my role as a mother.
8.    I learned how courageous and resilient I truly am.
9.    I discovered how strong I am.
10.  I became an exceptional communicator.
11.  I now know how to manage conflict and challenge, and have been able to  teach that to my children.
12.  I have deliberately created a new and fabulous life for myself.
13.  I now experience love in an entirely new, deep and amazing way.
14.  I found my life purpose.
15.  I took responsibility for who I am, good and bad, and learned how to become the person that I want to attract into my life.
16.  I learned how to forgive.
17.  I found grace, compassion and integrity.
18.  I discovered the power of choice.
19.  I no longer allow my emotions to control my words, actions and behavior.
20.  I took control of my destiny.
21.  I rediscovered joy and playfulness.
22.  I trust myself.
23.  I love myself.
24.  I believe in myself.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

This is only the beginning of my list of blessings…I add to them all the time. This exercise has become my daily practice of gratitude…for all that I have and all that I am.

If you have not taken time to reflect on the blessings of your divorce, I hope you will take a few minutes to begin your list. Write even if you feel like you have nothing to say.

And if you are having difficulty in finding the blessings of this most significant transition, give me a call…we can do it together!

I would love to hear from you and have you share your list of blessings!

What a month! Have you ever woken up one morning to find that you are way off track and moving in the wrong direction?

Today I want to share with you, openly and honestly, that despite knowing exactly how to live my ideal life and deliberately create what I want in my life, I woke up this week and realized that I had gotten pulled off my path.

Actually, to be brutally honest, I had allowed myself to get derailed and (gulp) I had, for a brief time, played the role of a victim.

Yes, ME!

It did not take me long to realize what had happened and to get back on track, but I recognize, once again, just how easy it is to take a wrong turn.

Divorce can create challenges even many years after it is “over”. Especially when there are children involved, the issues around co-parenting and communication can show up when you least expect it.

This summer my children’s sports schedules presented extremely complicated travel arrangements. Believing that my Ex would be open to coordinating the schedules with me, I sat back and made assumptions upon which I made decisions….decisions that did not turn out the way that I thought they would.

Instead of pro-actively planning my time the way I wanted to, I gave up my power and the result was not only having to cancel a trip that I had been planning for almost a year but needing to be away at tournaments four consecutive weekends in a row with one son and forfeiting most of my time with my other son for those four weeks.

I won’t go into all of the details (although there were many unpleasant moments during this time) but in the spirit of full disclosure, I admit that I had stepped fully into being a victim, feeling taken advantage of, being angry and acting sorry for myself. Not to mention being exhausted (emotionally and physically), overwhelmed and falling behind in many other areas of my life.

Have you ever gotten to this place?

It wasn’t until the morning after the final tournament that I woke up realizing that I had gotten way off track. That I was somewhere I didn’t want to be….and I had allowed it.

I was not a victim.
I was angry…but mostly at myself.
I had allowed it to happen.
I had not taken control of my own life.

The moment I took responsibility for getting off track, I was able to get myself right back to where I wanted to be. I have also learned a few valuable lessons, not only about myself, but about how I would like to move forward.

I was reminded again of just how easy it is to take that wrong turn…to end up someplace you don’t want to be. However, I also was reminded that it is my CHOICE of whether to remain stuck there or get myself right back on track. Our destiny is within our control. What happens next is a choice we make.

So today I am grateful. Grateful to have had this experience (I could have done without the self imposed misery for that few weeks!!!) so that I can not only share it with you, but support you as you face the moments you find yourself off track.

Oooohhh, I almost forgot! I wanted to share with you the new D Spot facebook page where you can see my daily thoughts, fun resources, updates on upcoming events… I would love to be connected with you in between each Dzine so I hope you will join me there! (and, go ahead and “like” it if you want…it always makes me feel good!) www.facebook.com/discoverthedspot