The D Spot

So it’s a new year; and perhaps with this New Year, you have set a resolution that this is going to be your year to find love. Love is the most complicated, awesome, painful and sought after desire there is. We all want it, and we all can have it; but many of us simply just don’t know how to do it.

Well, you can have it, when you understand it and take intentional action to get it.

Here is my Love after Divorce Manifesto, designed to guide you towards attracting, co-creating and sustaining new love in 2013.

I open my heart, my soul and my mind to receiving the love I desire.

If you have loved, thought you had love, lost love or simply have never experienced the beauty of love, you will first have to prepare your heart and soul to receive it again, or for the first time. Looking for love when you are not at peace with loving yourself and the intensity and vulnerability that love creates, will only lead you to a disappointing journey.

Give yourself the time you need to prepare, so you feel ready to allow yourself to receive and participate all that love is and becomes.

I allow curiosity to drive my dating and relationship experiences.

Too often we become critical during the dating process, expecting that we will be met with fireworks and butterflies with every potential partner and becoming angry and frustrated when we believe our expectations are not met. When you are able to look at every person you meet as an opportunity to learn more about them, you not only will enjoy dating far more, but you will be allowing yourself to be curious. Curiosity presents a chance for you to share more about you, inquire about things you really want to know about him and unleash your flirtatious and authentic personality in the process. Be clever, kind and flirty with your delivery and you will be surprised with the results.

I will enjoy, rather than evaluate each new person I meet. I will embrace the opportunity to meet new people as I date, and refrain from analyzing them until I have shared at least three unique experiences with them.

We egotistically believe that we possess the ability to fully evaluate a person upon the first few minutes of meeting them, convincing ourselves that “we know what we want and he is not it”. The truth is, none of us possess this skill. You can assess that you are not attracted to his looks at all, or that he offends or disgusts you, but other than these glaring situations, it is extremely difficult to fully assess a person after having dinner or drinks with him one, two or even three times.

While dating, individuals are not always being their authentic selves. They are nervous, trying too hard, and managing fear; all coming with their own context and skill level. Dating is an opportunity to create as safe and enjoyable environment as possible while getting to know someone; which takes time and shared experiences. Rather than having repeated dates for dinner and drinks, try another activity. Go skiing or hiking, visit a gallery or museum, cook together; there are endless ways to share time. Preferably choose an activity that is something you love and see how he is able to share it with you. Until you have the chance to see someone relaxed and comfortable, it will be a challenge to assess how you really feel.

I own who I am and what I want and need; setting boundaries that leave me feeling empowered, honored and in control of my romantic life.

There is nothing more attractive than someone who knows who they are and what they want; and who remains loyal to that even within an intimate relationship. If you are unable to honor what you want and set boundaries around that, you simply won’t be able to create a love that is sustainable over time.

Extraordinary, sustainable love is only possible when both of the people in the relationship are healthy, happy and whole as individuals. There are no exceptions.

I embrace being a woman and will nurture the feminine, sensual and flirtatious part of me as I seek out love and romance.

Sex is not the same thing as sensuality and sexuality. The more you embrace and enjoy your sensuality and sexuality as a woman, the better your relationship will be and the more fun you will have. It is not about performance or being good in bed; it is about connecting to your femininity and being comfortable with your sexuality. Walking fully in your identity as a woman will bring out the masculinity in any man. As you move along your journey to search for love, cultivate your own sensuality by doing things for yourself that allow you to feel strong, sexy and vibrant; and then bring this into your experiences while dating.

I recognize that open, honest, and face-to-face communication is the only way to co-create and build a healthy relationship.

Real and healthy love only takes place through a deep and “live” connection with each other. Relationships that take place virtually with little or no interaction face to face, will never sustain the test of time. The only place for intimate conversation and communication is when you are together or perhaps on the phone in between time together.

Having intimate conversations via text or email is a clear indicator that there are cracks in the foundation of the relationship and suggests that it is unlikely that you will ever be able to create real love together.

I trust myself and will listen to my gut and my intuition when it guides and protects me.

Most of us use the phrase “I don’t know” to avoid listening to our own intuition; especially when it may mean walking away from something that represents what we want. You do know. You always know somewhere deep down inside; even if you struggle to say it out loud.

Love is complicated, and it requires complete honesty; even when it hurts. Trust yourself…you are worth

So, when is the last time you felt angry.  Really angry.

What made you angry…do you know exactly what you were really angry about?

Divorce elicits many emotions, one of the most prominent being anger.   As I have moved through and forward after my own divorce, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my marriage; what had gone wrong, what role did I play and how I would choose to do things differently in my next chapter.

I am not proud of it, but during my marriage, I let anger run rampant in my life.  The more unhappy and dis-empowered I felt in my life, the more anger crept in; in my communication, in my actions and in my behavior.

Anger became the fuel for me to be courageous.  The more I tapped into my anger, the more confident I felt saying what how I really felt and what I really wanted; even if it came out louder and more confrontational than I actually meant.

The problem is that anger makes it almost impossible for the person you are talking with to hear you and to understand what you are saying.  My feelings of frustration and discontent found their voice through anger.  I snapped at my kids, my husband and my family; especially my mother.

I hated that I was irritable and sharp; but while I recognized it, I was unable to do anything about it.   It protected me from the fear, the sadness and the raw truth that lay underneath.

What I hadn’t learned yet is that you don’t have to be angry to be powerful. 

So many of us use anger as fuel to be courageous, honest and to honor how we really feel.  We develop a habit of tapping into anger when we feel fear and discomfort.   The problem is that anger never gets us the result we want and instead, deteriorates our relationships unnecessarily.

Power actually comes from replacing anger and confrontation with assertiveness and compassion.

So how does one accomplish this?

Trust your truth.

Under your anger is the truth of what you feel; but this truth might scare you.  In fact, your truth may be difficult to speak; I know because I have been there myself.  But before you go to the place of anger, trust yourself.  And remember that the truth, your truth, always prevails.

Find a new fuel.

Anger is not a healthy way to gain confidence and courage.  Instead, think back to a time when you acted courageously; when you were brave.  Recall how you felt, how did you find your bravery.  Know that you already have everything you need within you.

Say it with a whisper.

Yes, you heard me.  The quieter your voice, the more powerful your words will be.  And, the lower your voice, the less angry you will become and easier it will be for you to be heard.  Your voice may shake, you may feel extreme discomfort; but you will have a greater chance of saying what you really want to say when the cloak of red, hot and loud anger is removed.

You are powerful beyond measure.  Get rid of the anger and set yourself free.

A few weeks ago I began doing a VLOG with my friend and colleague Kyle Bradford who writes a fabulous blog called www.chopperpapa.com.  We are calling our VLOG “He Said/She Said” and each short video is an opportunity for he and I to share our thoughts and perspectives on some aspect of love, life, divorce, parenting…the real deal!  Raw, uncut and uncensored!

It is a blast!

I was immediately attracted to Kyle, not just because he is a handsome, southern, harley-riding single father, but because his views on being a man, father and great human being is very much in alignment with my views on being a woman, mother, and human being.

I hope you will enjoy our weekly VLOG which is released each Tuesday, and that you will share your thoughts with us in addition to emailing me questions or topics that you would like to see covered to discoverthedspot@gmail.com.

[youtube_sc url=UDZzoK8EptQ width=600]

One of the first questions that I ask every woman I talk or work with is, “So, what is it that you really want?”

No, not what you think you should want. Not what you feel you are supposed to want. Not what your family, friends or children want for you…but what do YOU want?

So often this is a question that drives the answer, “I don’t know”. And here is what I say to that; I don’t believe you.

It’s not that I think you are lying, but rather, it is that I don’t think you are telling the truth…your truth. The truth that lies deep down inside where we keep our desires, our fantasies and our passions. It is the truth that we are so often afraid to speak because we fear the consequences of it. That if we speak it….say it out loud…that someone we love won’t be happy with us, will be angry with us, will leave us or let us go, or simply won’t love us anymore.

Many of you share your truth with me and when I ask you what is holding you back from sharing it with the people in your life who are supposed to love you the most, you tell me that you are afraid of what will happen. That you are waiting for 100% certainty that what you know you want is really what you want; and that it will be okay.

Here’s the skinny; it will be okay. And, you absolutely do know exactly what you want; even if you are afraid of saying it out loud.

However, if you haven’t created relationships that are built on the complete truth of who you are, how you feel and what you want, there will be discomfort with shifting to a life that is.

• You may hurt someone you love…unintentionally.
• You may lose relationships.
• You may feel alone or insecure with finally embracing and speaking what you know you really want deep down inside.

I believe that many divorces are caused by one of the individuals within the marriage being scared to speak the truth about how they feel as they grow and evolve. So they don’t. And as a result of NOT speaking this truth, the relationship is built on a lack of complete honesty. And it is impossible to co-create an extraordinary relationship…together, when the truth is not present.

Some of us have been the ones to struggle with how to speak our truth when we know it may hurt someone we care about and that it may end a relationship.

Some of us have been on the receiving end of hearing the truth from someone we love. And it did hurt. But knowing that truth, over the long run, allowed us to move forward in understanding our own.

Sometimes this truth is cause for a marriage/relationship to end. But sometimes, this truth allows us to grow closer, to grow and evolve, and to co-create something even stronger and deeper.

What makes it even more complicated is that once we own our truth, it can be extremely frightening and difficult to communicate it in a way that is compassionate and kind. And so again, so many choose to avoid it altogether and hope it goes away. The trouble is, we, at our core, always know how we feel and what we want, even if we try to ignore it. It doesn’t go away. And there is a way to communicate our truth in a way that will get us exactly what we desire in life and in love.

Building relationships where both individuals are freely speaking their truth is the only way to have a sustainable and extraordinary relationship.

When you build a life around YOUR truth; with friends, with your children, with family and in love, you will experience a freedom, peace and harmony that you may have never experienced. All it takes is learning how to speak it.

So, let me ask you, what would it mean if you were free to live your life the way you wanted and honor how you really feel? What if you gave yourself permission to speak your truth in all of your relationships?

I don’t know about you, but there were a lot of thoughts running around my head as I read the Fifty Shades trilogy.

Yes, I am aware that they are a fun, erotic series of novels and that, of course, not one that can possibly be based in reality…or can it?

The truth is that while they are in fact perhaps exaggerations of what we define as “real” or appropriate, they are exactly that…exaggerations. Exaggerations built on thoughts that you and I often think and feel, deep down inside. Things like:

• Can sex be that passionate and crazy good?
• How much “experimentation” is “normal”?
• Am I a freak if I want to try a little bit of “that” (just a little!)…under “appropriate” circumstances?
• There is no way that a man like that could fall madly in love with a woman like that?
• Is it possible that a man could ever love me that much?
• Could I ever love a man that much?

The list goes on and on…and that is why this trilogy has skyrocketed to the best seller list. It opens the door to our imagination, our passion, and our possibilities.

One of the most significant lessons that I took from these books is what I know already to be true; that it is critical to speak our truth, no matter how afraid or how vulnerable we feel.

James, in her trilogy, created characters Christian and Anastasia, as dramatic exaggerations of what could be any two individuals that are seemingly so different from each other.

Christian Grey “seems” at first to be a sexual deviant, an abusive, crazy and “narcissistic” man. And yes, he is extreme (controlling, sexually “out there”, and self-centered)…for you and I. However, when viewing him through a lens of curiosity and compassion, Anastasia finds a man who has been deeply wounded, is carrying “fifty shades of baggage”, and ultimately, wants to love and be loved, but has no idea of what healthy love looks like. Of course, this is shrouded in over the top dominant scenarios and crazy drama throughout the book.

What I am talking about are the underlying messages. Shown through the relentless pursuit of Anastasia to understand him and extract his truth.

Anastasia is just the opposite. With no experience at love, intimacy or sex of any kind, she is simply nervous, excited, scared, curious and vulnerable. However, she is also smart and confident. And while she is also ultimately looking to love and be loved, she navigates being open to what she doesn’t know and understand, with caution, safe boundaries and her truth.

There is tension between them, not only sexually, but because in honoring their own individual truths, they learn that they will have to share their fears, their vulnerabilities and their deepest desires.

It is never easy to share with someone we care about what our deepest truth is. It takes courage, clarity and risk. Risk that the other person will be angry with us; that they will judge us; that they won’t love us. These fears often cause us to turn and flee, abandoning our truth and ultimately placing us in a situation we don’t really want at our core.

Christian and Anastasia take the risk; albeit painfully. And, they eventually reap the reward for it. But the messages are clear:

• get clear on what your deepest truth is
• be prepared to set boundaries that honor your truth but allow for growth; then,
• honor your boundaries; with kindness and compassion
• extraordinary love only comes when we share our truth; our fears, vulnerabilities, and deepest desires

So, do you know what your deepest truth is?

What holds you back from speaking your truth?

So, how many of you have read Fifty Shades of Grey?  If you haven’t yet, you must.

Over my vacation last week, I decided to catch up on my pleasure reading which included the Fifty Shades trilogy, and I am so glad I did.  Not because of the sex, which was fabulously fun to read, but more importantly, because the underlying messages of the book are those that are in alignment with all that I stand for.

The books, which most will say are simply erotica for the middle aged, is really a love story; and one that touches upon the very core of what effortless, extraordinary love is all about.

• Yes, the book is deliciously erotic.
• Yes, the book touches upon sexual content that is edgy and may be outside of our comfort zone.
• Yes, the book is exaggerated and extreme in its story.

However, the messages are, in my opinion, critical to the success of any good relationship.  Over the next few blog posts, I am going to share my thoughts about Fifty Shades and what it means for you as you create your new life and love after divorce.

I feel that the most significant message of the book is that things are not always what they seem. 

This is a story of two seemingly unsuited individuals who, over time, prove that they are more of an ideal fit than they could have ever imagined.

We all come with “baggage”, especially after divorce.  As a matter of fact, going through it we develop our own “fifty shades of divorce” and these fifty shades are what become part of the fabric of our lives as well as the experience that best prepares us for our next chapter.

The relationship between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele is one that allows the reader to take our own discomfort with how we think we would handle their situation and view it relative to how their relationship grows and evolves.

Extraordinary love is created when we engage and communicate with our lover/partner with curiosity and compassion.  When our curiosity about why someone does what they do outweighs our need to judge them.  When our desire to understand outweighs our need to react.

The book creates a relationship that is built on the curiosity and compassion shared between Christian and Anastasia and we watch as they question and challenge each other and their “baggage” with humor, desire and passion. 

They are each more interested in learning about each other and what motivates their actions, behaviors and words than they are about pushing each other away because of discomfort and fear.

Moving through and forward after divorce is an experience that can become   our defining story if we let it and can sometimes leave us feeling emotionally reactive and protective.

As we create and attract new relationships after divorce; with our Ex, with our children, and with new romance; leading with curiosity and compassion will ultimately open the door to extraordinary experiences.

I won’t give away the ending, but I will tell you that what happens between them is only possible because they are both willing to:

1.  Use the truth and experiences of their past as opportunities to grow and evolve, becoming a catalyst for change; and

2.  Look past the way things might “seem” with a desire to understand and to unleash the potential in each other. 

 As you move forward through and after your divorce, remember that things are not always what they seem.   There are always reasons why people act the way they do, say the things they do and react the way they do.    If you approach every situation with curiosity and compassion, you will not only discover what is really going on beneath the surface, but you will discover how to communicate in a way that will get you exactly what you want!

 Stay tuned for Part 2 of Fifty Shades of Your New Life after Divorce!

A couple of weeks ago my son and I got into a conversation about a friend of his who wanted to break up with his girlfriend. We talked about why his friend had come to this decision and then I asked him how he thought he was going to break up with her.

He shifted around in his chair for a few minutes and said that he wasn’t sure.

At this point, I suggested that his friend, and all teenagers,  needed to talk with their boyfriend/girlfriends face to face and be calm, clear, concise and confident in the conversation.  They had been together almost a year and the relationship, and his girlfriend, deserved an honest conversation.  I also shared with him that breaking up through facebook, texting or an email was not an appropriate or mature way to end a relationship.  And since he tells me all the time that he and his friends are now “men”, that this would be a good opportunity for him to guide his friend to step fully into what a mature man would do.

He responded that his friend was afraid to have the conversation because whenever so many times she he has tried to talk with her about it, she started to cry and beg him not to do it. Then she would be “mean” to him and he felt really bad.  But my son knew that his friend was not at all happy in the relationship and that his feelings of guilt, and fear, were making this conversation extremely difficult to have.

This is far too common a theme among our teenagers today, and sadly, far too common among adults as well.

Fast forward to today and his friend did have the conversation, and she did cry.  And then it was over.

Lately, a number of my clients have been struggling with how to tell their husbands that they are terribly unhappy and in fact, want to “break up”; that it is time to get a divorce.

And I have realized that we as adults have no easier a time with the “break up” than teenagers do.  My conversation with my son was just the beginning of teaching him how to manage conflict and learn to tell someone close to you what they don’t want to hear.  A skill that is not often taught but is necessary for creating a life you want, and can have.

Difficult conversations…nobody wants to have them, but they are a necessary part of life.

Divorce is the ultimate break up.  And yet, the conversation I had with my son is almost the same one that I have with any individual who is unhappy in their marriage and has made the decision to divorce.  This is a scary, upsetting, and difficult conversation to have; but one that must be done with equal parts of calm, compassion, clarity and honesty.  These are the cornerstones of exceptional communication which will become the foundation upon which your new future, relationships and love will be built.

No one wants to look into the face of someone they have cared about or loved, and tell them something that will hurt them, anger them or cause them deep sadness.  No one wants to be responsible for making another person cry.  But that can sometimes not be avoided, no matter what. These are natural reactions to hearing something you don’t like hearing.

Difficult conversations require support, preparation and a strategy for success.  And in the case of divorce, it is a conversation that can set the tone for the entire divorce process.

They should not be had in public, on facebook, through texts or via email (unless there is danger involved).   Difficult conversations don’t have to be angry or loud to be effective.  Instead, the most successful difficult conversations happen when the person initiating the conversation remains calm and allows the person receiving to have whatever feelings they have.

Unfortunately, the fear associated with initiating this conversation can be so great that the pain associated with having it seems worse than the pain that comes with avoiding it and instead choosing to do something indirectly that will force the “break up”.  For example, having an affair, creating a magnificent argument that turns into a battle, texting it…  These actions create adrenaline which can give a false sense of courage.

Telling someone something they don’t want to hear takes courage and the knowledge that truth and honesty always prevail; which they do.

If you are struggling with how you are going to have a difficult conversation,  get support, make sure you have clarity around what you want say and what you want the outcome to be, and communicate with compassion.

Once you master the skill of managing difficult conversations, you will enjoy the reward of extraordinary relationships…and love.

What is it that keeps us working so hard for the friendships and intimate, love relationship that we so desperately desire?

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of women who are working harder than ever at friendships and relationships that are depleting them of energy, enthusiasm and inspiration.   And yet, despite recognizing that these relationships are exhausting and exasperating, they continue to try harder to do more, be more and say more.

At some point, the exhaustion, frustration and depletion becomes more than they can bear and something momentous happens, changing the relationship forever.

Perhaps it is an affair.  That becomes the catalyst for the ending of a marriage that was not healthy to begin with.

 Perhaps there a fight of epic proportions for which things are said that can never be taken back.

 Or perhaps there is silence.  A silence so great that the hole that is left creates emotions that will take years to heal.

By the time this happens, the wounds are so deep and so painful; they require extreme care to heal.  And usually, the relationship can’t recover from them.

Divorce is often the result of what is not said and done, rather than what is said and done; although many would argue differently.  And by the time a woman comes to me for support, it is hard to get clarity around what she really wants to say…or, wanted to say; wishes she had said.

The same holds true, by the way, for friendships.  There are often parallels between what happens in divorce and what happens in the demise of a close friendship.

Why is this?

Well, if we aren’t saying what we really want and need to say, our partner/friends can’t hear what we really want and need them to hear.

It is not much more complicated than that.

You see, here is the simple truth.  You don’t have to be, do or say anything special to be loved.  Nope.  You just have to be YOU.

Honest you.

Authentic you.

Compassionate you.

Loving you.

Direct you.

Kind you.

Beautiful you.

 YOU…are enough.

You don’t have to buy sexy clothes. You don’t have to prepare fancy meals.  You don’t have to clean your house top to bottom.  Nor do you have to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, your desires or your interests to express your love and devotion.

You…the raw truth of who you are, is perfectly enough. 

Love is meant to be shared, from the inside out.  It is not meant to be earned, bought or judged.  It is simply meant to be felt and shared.

When you find yourself in a relationship or friendship that is causing you to work hard to do, be or say anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are, it is time to come clean.  It is time to say what needs to be said and allow the relationship to grow…or fade.

While this is not an easy thing to do, it is what will lead you to freedom.

Freedom to be the YOU that you are meant to be!

For a while now I have been writing for the Huffington Post which is a lot of fun, but also fascinating.  The Huff is one of the most highly read online publications and therefore offers a huge and diverse audience with whom I can share my thoughts.

One of the things that I have found through all of the comments to my posts, is that there seems to be a feeling by many that the individual who initiates a divorce is somehow both selfishly giving up on their marriage and will also enjoy a far easier time moving forward than the person who was “left”.

Not only do I not agree with this “myth”, but I feel obligated to share my thoughts on these positions, both as someone who initiated my divorce but as a Divorce Expert and Coach as well.

So, let me be clear about how I feel.

No one walks down the aisle at their wedding hoping that they will one day be divorced.  In other words, no one “wants” divorce.

As you already know, divorce is one of those decisions that is incredibly difficult to make and more often than not, takes courage, strength and tremendous work to manage.

For me personally, my decision to divorce did not happen overnight as a means of avoiding the hard work of making marriage work.  While most of the people in my life; friends, family and community, first became aware of my marital discontent when we shared our decision to divorce publicly, in fact what they did not know, was the almost four years of counseling, therapy and hard work that we put into trying to make our marriage work.

It was a decision that took years to make and was for us…for me, a last resort.  Despite my divorce and my passion for being a Divorce Expert and Coach, I believe in and advocate for strong, healthy and long term relationships and marriage.  My parents are happily married for 47 years and I wanted more than anything in my life to have created and enjoyed the same beautiful and extraordinary long term marriage.

Unfortunately, many of us made the decision to marry when we were young and uneducated as to what we really wanted and needed in an ideal relationship.  It is not that I don’t believe in the importance of and commitment involved in creating a wonderful marriage, but rather, my Ex-husband and I were simply not a good fit.  Both my Ex-husband and I made the decision to marry for what we thought were the “right” reasons and by using what we thought were the “right” criteria.  However, looking back, neither one of us was a good fit for the other; we both made a decision that couldn’t work because of who we are at our core.

Making the decision to end our marriage, a commitment we both took seriously, was incredibly difficult and painful, for both of us.

There are so many reasons why individuals or couples decide to end their marriages.  Perhaps there is abuse (verbal or physical), infidelity, or just plain unhappiness.  No matter what the reason, it is never as simple as it seems.  Underneath all of these reasons is a far more complicated situation than anyone, including the individuals in the marriage, often understands.  That is where someone like me, a Divorce Expert, Coach or therapist, can help to understand what is really going on and move through the transition with honesty, integrity and clarity.

We all deserve to be part of a relationship that is extraordinary and getting divorced does not in any way mean that a person is not capable of or doesn’t value the commitment to a long term relationship or marriage.

As a matter of fact, it is no easier for the “initiator” to move forward after divorce and create a new and extraordinary life, than it is for the spouse that didn’t initiate.

Divorce is a significant transition that affects almost every area of an individual’s life.  Whether a person was the one to first utter the words, “I want a divorce” or not, the transition is equally challenging.

There are always reasons why a marriage ends.  And while the emotional stress and anxiety can be excessive, focusing on the assumption of blame will not in any way pave the way for either person to move forward.  Rather, it will make the situation more difficult for both individuals and any children involved.  The best strategy for moving forward it to focus on understanding and accepting the situation, and use that as the foundation upon which a new life will be built.

I recognize that it is easier said than done, but I have never found a situation where both individuals did not contribute in one way or another to the demise of the marriage, whether they were the one to initiate divorce or not.

I was the one to initiate, and yet I realize that I also contributed to it not succeeding.  I take this accountability seriously and despite the sadness of having made the decision and feeling like a failure, I have made a commitment to do whatever it takes to learn from that experience and prepare myself for new effortless, extraordinary love.

Here’s the real deal.  Walking down an aisle, wearing a wedding band, and simply living together for decades does not alone make a marriage succeed.   Nor does it “earn” either spouse the obligation to stay in a situation that is unhealthy or unhappy.  What it does mean is that there is work, commitment and a discipline involved in creating an extraordinary relationship that can withstand the test of time.  And even after divorce, that relationship is out there waiting for you!

Every situation is unique, and my experience personally and professionally has proved that each marriage and divorce poses its own complexities.  But the notion that either person moving through and forward after divorce has it easier or harder than the other, is simply not true…even if it seems that way from the outside.

What I have learned is that divorce can create a strange mixture of sadness, loss, fear, anxiety, liberation, freedom, courage and self-sufficiency…among a host of other emotions.  It is a profound and complex journey that requires less judgment and more support for all of the individuals experiencing it.

So, I feel better now that I have clarified myself.

This has been my longwinded way of saying that each of you has a situation that is unique, and that you are moving though it with grace.  And no matter what your situation is, I know that it has had moments of challenge, moments of joy, and moments of fear…and that none of us “chose” divorce be a part of our lives.

I applaud you for taking the big step of getting support through the D Spot community….I am delighted that you are here and know that you will have the magnificent future you desire and deserve.

As many of you know, I not only will be speaking at, but am also on the Advisory Board of the amazing, first ever Start Over Smart Divorce Expo taking place in New York City on March 31 – April 1!  If you haven’t already bought your tickets, do it now…I would love to meet you in person!

On Saturday I will be speaking with my mother on The Ripple Effect of Divorce: How My Divorce Affected Those Who Love Me Most and the Lessons I Learned.  She and I will explore the impact of those five little words, “I am getting a divorce” not only on our relationship, but also on my caring circle of friends and family as well.  Together we will share stories of our personal journey while at the same time presenting our secrets to strengthening these relationships through divorce.  This is the perfect workshop for any of you who have a parent, sister, or best friend who loves you and is doing their best to support you…even if it doesn’t feel that way.  I hope you will grab them and join us for a fun and special workshop!

On Sunday I will be participating on a fantastic panel, The Real Deal on Divorce. I will be joined by two of my amazing friends, Nicole Baras Feuer (co-founder of the Start Over Smart Expo) and Nancy Levin (author and Hay House Event Producer). The panel will be moderated by Stacy Morrison, Editor-in-Chief of Blogher.com and former Editor of Redbook Magazine.  We are going to talk about the things no one ever talks about when it comes to divorce!! Woohoo!!!

As the four of us began to talk about our panel and the juicy things we wanted to talk about, we tossed around, sex, sensuality, co-parenting surprises, eating for one and all kinds of other things that we have all faced on our own personal journeys.

 Our emails began flying and Stacy shared with us an article that she had written for the New York Times about an unexpected post-divorce situation.  Click here to read the article.

It is a great article, but I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel reading it.

As I finished reading it, I felt a strange mixture of happiness for her…and jealousy.  Yes, you heard me right, jealousy!

I am not a jealous person, in fact I am an advocate for peaceful solutions when it comes to divorce…all four of us are.  But I realized that I wished that I could exchange one of my own challenges for the one she talks about in the article.

She and her Ex-husband are collaboratively and peacefully co-parenting their son and although uncomfortable at times, they are leaving the door open to redefining their co-parenting relationship and navigating the new lives they are each creating.  Unfortunately, my Ex-husband and I are not.  It was once that way for us, but new lives, new loves and a variety of other circumstances have caused our initial post-divorce relationship to deteriorate.  It is not what I want and I am sad about it.

Three of the four us on the panel have children, and while we all started out with the same intention and desire to successfully and collaboratively co-parent our children, we each have faced unique challenges as we move along our journey.

I shared my reaction to the article with the group, which opened up the door for us to explore even further how though so much can seem the same; our experiences are in fact different on so many levels.  And none of us anticipated the unexpected consequences that our divorces would present.  It felt wonderful and liberating to share with each other just how much we didn’t know about what this divorce journey would be like and give each other support we need, and deserve.

I also know that we are not alone, and that each of you has a unique journey along which you are traveling.

So, I am even more excited today about being a part of this panel…it is going to be juicy, fun and fabulous!  I really hope you will find your way to NYC and join us then!!