The D Spot

I am always looking for products, services and resources that support women who are going through transition and even more specifically through divorce.  Now that I have my fabulous new blog in place, it is so easy to be able to share them all with you!

So, I simply had to share with you the wonderful endeavor of a friend of mine that I think you will LOVE!

Two years ago I was introduced to Rebecca Lown as she was launching the first online magazine for women moving along the journey of divorce!  Imagine how much I loved that!  The magazine is called SPLIT and is a fabulous resource.

SPLIT is a weekly newsletter and blog dedicated to separated and divorced women. While the end of a marriage can be stressful or even downright frightening, SPLIT magazine is here to help you live the best life you possibly can – right here, right now! Whether you’re at the end of a long divorce or just at the beginning, SPLIT believes your best days are still in front of you.

When I asked Rebecca to tell me how SPLIT came to be, this is what she had to say:

Need is indeed the mother of invention. I started SPLIT because I really felt lost about how to put my life back on track after my divorce. I couldn’t find a good magazine or newsletter that spoke my language. So I decided to create one instead.  My hope is that you will read something that might nourish you, inspire you, or change your perspective, even if for a brief moment.  Divorce is unraveling and sometimes the climb upward into the light seems slow… But good things will come if you are open to them  Don’t be surprised if find yourself as a very different person than you thought you were when married to Mr. Ex. And isn’t that an exciting and great discovery!! My ultimate goal is to make SPLIT into a printed magazine!

During her first year of SPLIT Rebecca wanted to do a few small events, so I went to NYC and did a wonderful workshop for the magazine on Fearless Finances as it relates to women going through divorce and it was a blast!  I have been really impressed with Rebecca and the evolution of SPLIT.  Whether it’s dating, finances, self care, sensuality, parenting or any other area of life, SPLIT offers insight and often guidance for the journey.  And, Rebecca is witty and humorous which can be seen in her blog and through her magazine as well!

She and I have remained in touch and I recently I was delighted to find out that she and SPLIT are the sponsors of my upcoming workshop that I will be doing for Savvy Ladies, a wonderful organziation that serves to empower women financially.  The workship is called Who Am I, How Did I Get Here and What Comes Next:  Packing Your Bags for the Journey Through and After Divorce, and I am really excited to be in New York City on April 28 to present it!!!

I hope that if you are anywhere near NYC next Thursday night, April 28. that you will come on out and join us there!

Make sure you sign up for SPLIT’s newsletter and you too will enjoy this fabulous resource!

Subscription to the SPLIT newsletter is easy and free!  Just go to http://SPLITmag.com click on “Subscribe,” and you’ll be set after a few short clicks.

I never imagined that my first full day retreat for women moving through the transition of divorce would be as amazing as it was.

After months of preparing for Anew YOU!, my special one day event, I arrived eager to meet the women who were trusting me to jumpstart their journey forward through and after divorce.

I had my curriculum, notes, materials, exercises, and agenda all perfectly arranged and ready to go.  But it wasn’t until each magnificent woman arrived, that the day was truly set in motion.

There is magic that happens when women come together opening themselves to a new experience and trusting in the universe that they are exactly where they are supposed to be.    And that is exactly what happened on April 2.

16 fabulous women joined me for a day of transformation, taking a massive step towards their new and extraordinary life.

Over the course of the day, I learned so much about each one and they learned about each other.  It took great courage to sign up for an event to talk about something so painful and scary, yet they faced their fears and did it anyway!

How remarkable!

As one of the women said over lunch when I asked her how she was feeling, “I thought a day about divorce would be depressing and that I would be crying the whole time…I had no idea how empowering it would be!”  It was music to my ears!

I had spent so long preparing a curriculum that would be exciting, educational and inspiring for the women…I did not consider that it was them who would be inspiring and teaching me throughout the day!

Having now had time to process and reflect on it, I realize that the first ever Anew YOU! retreat allowed me to clearly identify the  Five Keys to Moving Through Divorce with Grace. And now I am going to share them with you.

1. You deserve an EXTRAORDINARY life.

The first key is to fully own the belief that YOU deserve the life you imagine and desire.  You don’t have to do anything special to earn it, but rather you were born a beautiful, magnificent and deserving woman who can have everything you want!

My clients will often ask me if they really can have what they want or if it doesn’t really exist.  Or, they struggle with if they are being selfish by wanting to have it all.   If we do not give ourselves permission to feel how deserving we are, we won’t ever allow ourselves to have the life we really want.

2. Nothing is more powerful than connecting with women who have a shared experience.

The second key is to open ourselves up to receiving the support we need to move through the journey of divorce.

Divorce can feel isolating and many women feel alone in their new reality.  What always amazes me the most is the support, compassion and wisdom that women bestow on each other when they have the opportunity to connect.  While it may be frightening and uncomfortable…finding ways to connect to each other during the transition of divorce will offer you unimaginable strength.

3. Knowledge is power.

The third key is to arm yourself with as much information as possible.

Divorce can quickly show us just how little we know and how much we have to learn.  It can be humbling.  Rather than step into feeling embarrassed at how little we know or how sorry we feel for ourselves for not having been given or taught what we should know, we can instead take this time as the opportunity to learn as much as we can.  Whether it is regarding finances, legal rights or any other area of life, there are countless resources for educating yourself.

4. Ask the right questions, get the right answers.

The fourth key is to improve our skills at asking questions.

Divorce is an experience that can often cause women to “presume” or “project” what others will do, say or how they will act during this time.  Even when it comes to ourselves.

One of the greatest skills we can master is asking the right questions.  These are questions that lead us to learn more about our relationships, experiences and self-awareness.  When we learn to ask the right questions, we will receive the right answers.

5. Mastering the 3 C’s will propel you towards your new life.

The fifth key is mastering the 3 C’s: clarity, confidence and control.

When navigating the choppy waters of divorce, it is critical to master these three important guiding forces.

Without clarity around what you really want and need, the confidence to own your decisions, and control over your choices and actions, it will be challenging to move forward towards your ideal life.

As with any skills, mastering the 3 C’s will require education, discipline and focus.  Getting the support you need to master them is an investment in yourself that you can’t afford NOT to make.

These five guiding principles became abundantly clear to me as we talked about where each woman is in their journey, where they want to be and how they are going to get there.

Mastering these will provide you with a roadmap for creating your new and extraordinary life.   Are your READY to have all that you want?

Over the weekend I was reminded, again, just how many fabulous opportunities and possibilities come along when we are focused on “what comes next” instead of “what was”.

As many of you know, my first book, The Ultimate Divorce Organizer: The Complete, Interactive Guide to Achieving the Best Legal, Financial and Personal Divorce, will be releasing this June.  Yes, it was supposed to be released March 1st but printing delays have pushed the date back to June.

I will be selling the book on my website, but you can certainly pre-order it through Amazon if you want to get it hot off the presses! Click here to purchase.

For any of you who are contemplating divorce, separated or moving through it…this book will become your BIBLE! It is a step by step guide to moving through divorce and addresses the Legal and Financial Journey as well as the Emotional Journey. You can find out more about it here:
http://www.discoverthedspot.com/book.php

It was such a joy to create a book and resource for women who are moving through the transition of divorce and was a project that has caused me such enormous personal pride and satisfaction, that I haven’t taken the time to sit back and celebrate what a big accomplishment it really was.

Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever accomplished something wonderful but simply complete the task and move on to the next?

I believe strongly in acknowledging ourselves as magnificent women and taking time to give ourselves the credit we deserve for all of the big AND small accomplishments that we achieve in our daily lives. As a matter of fact, celebrating the baby steps we take as well as the significant choices we make along our journey is something that I take very seriously!

Well, I hadn’t done that.

And, although I have been merrily moving along towards new and exciting projects in my life, my dear and beloved cousin, Shami, did not want this to go un-noticed.

So, this past weekend she gave me a small, intimate luncheon with my mother and closest friends to celebrate my upcoming book launch and the joy I am getting from sharing it with the world.

When I arrived at her home, all I noticed was bowls and bowls of HUGE and GORGEOUS lemons all over!  When I asked her why there was an overabundunce of lemons around the house, she informed all of us that the theme of the luncheon was LEMONS and that she wanted to honor and applaud me for moving along my life and always making lemonade out of lemons.

And while it sounds cliché here, her words brought tears to my eyes.

I had forgotten to pay attention to my own life, and acknowledge myself for working so hard, everyday, on focusing on what comes next and what will be….not what was and will never be.

I wanted to share this wonderful experience with you because you, and I, together are on a journey towards our new and exceptional lives. We may face challenges and obstacles, but if we keep ourselves facing forward and focused on the wonderful opportunities and possibilities that will present themselves to us, baby step by baby step we will create the life we imagine and deserve.

And, I want to remind YOU, as I was reminded by my dearest family and friends, that you MUST celebrate all of the achievements, big and small, that you accomplish each and everyday!

You DESERVE it…you are a brilliant, bold, and beautiful woman with infinite wisdom and talent!!!

I had the most wonderful experience this past week.  I had the opportunity to host a special call with two fabulous women, Meredith Allen and Tara Eisenhard. 

I had never met either of them…as a matter of fact, I had never even spoken to them before last night.  But they are kindred spirits and I believe will be women with whom I will stay connected as I move along my own journey of self discovery and.

I asked Meredith and Tara to join me for my monthly teleclass because I had been reading their blogs and was taken by their candor, honesty and compassion.

Tara writes a blog called Relative Evolutions and has a philosophy about divorce that is in alignment with mine.  She believes:

• A marriage shouldn’t survive at the expense of its participants.
• Sometimes a good divorce is the appropriate solution to a bad marriage.
• Separation signifies the evolution, not dissolution, of a family.
• Divorce is the shared goal of two people wishing to part ways.
• Divorce shouldn’t be ugly or expensive.

Tara is a divorced woman with no children of her own, but she is the girlfriend/partner of a man with children and has wonderful insight into the role that she plays in his/their lives.

Meredith writes a blog called Now Is Good where she shares her journey through and after divorce.  Meredith is a divorced mom of three beautiful children and is navigating the waters of being a divorced woman and co-parenting with her Ex and his live-in girlfriend, a woman that was part of the reason for the divorce.

In her own words, “I’m a newly single mom of 3.  I’m also a daughter, sister, friend, loner by nature and lawyer by trade. I swear like a sailor.  I laugh really loudly.  I have no tolerance for hypocrisy.  Sarcasm, strength, good grammar, intelligence, biting humor and a fair amount of red wine are requirements, not preferences.  Life has been throwing curve balls and I’ve been fielding them as well as I can.  This is me figuring it all out.”

I absolutely LOVE her style!

Tara and Meredith recently blogged together in a series called “She Said, She Said” where they shared their thoughts on being divorced women, co-parents, the girlfriend of a divorced dad and managing so many emotions!

Because of the way in which they explored these issues and the respect, intellect and compassion in their writing, I asked them to join me for a conversation on the very same topic.

It was an EXTRAORDINARY hour!

I learned so much from them…and together, we talked about the REAL DEAL of divorce and the journey to wards creating your new and ideal life! 

The call was so great that I wanted to make sure I shared it with you!  So, click here to listen to the call….I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

I have noticed recently that many of my clients are struggling with what I call the Moment of Finality.

You may be asking yourself, what is the “moment of finality”?  Great question.

 My definition of the “moment of finality” is the moment that any relationship in your life changes indefinitely and the ‘way it has always been’…ends.”

 It can be a professional relationship;

A friendship;

A romantic relationship;

A partnership; or

A marriage.

When any one of these relationships evolves to a point where it no longer serves us,  and causes us enough sadness, pain and conflict, we begin evaluating whether or not we choose to remain in the relationship.  This period of evaluation can last for up to years….especially when it is the marital relationship. 

The  “moment of finality” happens when we know in our heart…deep in our core, that the relationship is over as we know it.  And that in fact, we will now need to move on…let go of  “what was”. 

Unfortunately, (and this is where the challenge and struggle really lie), only one person in the relationship needs to come to this “moment of finality”  for the relationship to deteriorate, and eventually end. 

The person who arrives at this moment of finality first will usually do one of two things:

1. Choose to end the relationship and with a marriage, ask for a divorce.  In some cases they have been open and honest about their unhappiness so it is no surprise, and in other cases, they experience enormous guilt and can’t find the courage to communicate.  Therefore, this choice seems to come “out of nowhere”.
2. Engage in a Self Sabotaging behaviors.  In this instance, instead of making a choice to end the relationship openly, honestly and with respect, they act in a way that will ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship, such as having an affair, drinking excessively,….

Let’s use a less emotional experience as an example.  You may work in a job that is only “okay” for you, one that is not ideal, but pays the bills.  You don’t really like it, but you accept that it is not “bad enough” to make a change.  However, you get called into your boss’ office and told that they are re-organizing the department and there will not be a place for you in the new structure….that you are being let go. 

Even though you don’t really “like” the job and it is not “ideal” for you, you are stunned to have been fired and paralyzed with the fear of what you are going to do now.  You were not ready for this relationship to end, and therefore, didn’t see it coming….even though you knew it was not the right job and situation for you.

A relationship/marriage, is no different.

 Almost all of the women (and men for that matter) that I speak with at any length about their divorce, whether they initiated it or not, recognize that their marriage at its core, was NOT ideal for them.

But even knowing that it was not “ideal”, the divorce hits with such force, that we are left stunned, winded and overwhelmed with emotions.  We forget that in our heart, we know that it hasn’t been a good relationship for a long time.

When we are in a relationship or marriage that is NOT ideal for us and does not support us to be our most magnificent selves, and we have done whatever we can to repair it, and it continues to be a cause of pain and struggle, it is time to let it go.

Once one person in the relationship has reached their own “moment of finality”, their focus and attention becomes letting it go and moving forward towards “what comes next”.  They have already internally come to a decision to end the relationship. 

However, the other person may, or may not, be aware of the process that led to their partner/spouse’s decision.  And, because we are not trained to talk openly through the intensity of these kinds of relationship conflicts, it is incredibly difficult and painful to talk about them.  So, in most cases, we don’t.

The difference between when the first person in the relationship has their “moment of finality” and when the remaining person does, is where the greatest miscommunications, misunderstanding and presumptions take place.    It is also where the greatest pain and challenge can be felt.

 And yet, it is also your MOMENT OF DESTINY…and where the journey begins to create your new and extraordinary life.

 If you find yourself not understanding how your divorce happened, wondering why your Ex chose to “leave you” or you are struggling to end your marriage, be gentle with yourself.

If you did not initiate your divorce and it was not your choice, you will need to accept that for whatever reason, you were not made aware of how your Ex came to his “moment of finality” and you may never find out.  Which will be hard for you, but you ARE strong enough to move through it.

If you are contemplating separation or divorce, take the time to understand how and why your marriage no longer serves you and if possible, share your journey openly and honestly with your husband…even if it is frightening to do so.

Regardless of whether your divorce is or was your choice, or not,  reaching your “moment of finality” is scary and overwhelming.  It is always frightening when we can’t see what comes next.  And yet, that is where the greatest growth, joy and opportunities lie!

You are not meant to do it alone…get support if you are struggling with arriving at your “moment of finality” so it can become your Moment of Destiny!!!

I am so excited to share with you my second guest post for my new blog!  About a week or so ago, I shared with you my first guest post written by Tara Eisenhard, Relative Evolutions,  who is going to be joining me with Meredith Allen, this week’s guest’s blogger, for a very special, FREE teleclass!!

On Wednesday, March 23 at 9:00 pm EST Meredith  will be joining me with Tara, to talk about issues around being a single mom, divorced woman and in her own workd, “daughter, sister, friend, loner by nature and lawyer by trade.”

For more information about this special free teleclass and all other D Spot events, sign up at www.discoverthedspot.com.

Enjoy Meredith’s post below:

Thanks so much to Laura for inviting me to guest post and to participate in this month’s teleclass!  I’m Meredith.  Not too long ago, I was a happily married mom of three and my life was pretty well all mapped out.  The day before our tenth wedding anniversary, my husband filed for divorce, shocking me and pretty much everyone we knew.  Within sixty days, I learned about his infidelities, he moved out, we told the kids, we made decisions on custody and finances, the papers were drawn up and signed, orders were entered by the judge, the ink dried and I was officially divorced.  I’d like to know what the Guinness World Record is for the fastest divorce in history, because I think mine’s probably in the running!  Today, not quite two years later, I am a happily divorced mom of three and although my life is anything but mapped out anymore, I think I like it better that way.  The road from there to here has been, and continues to be, both sad and happy, high and low, frustrating and peaceful, painful and joyous.  In other words, pretty rich.

Along the way I started a blog called Now Is Good in an effort to help me process what I was going through and to find a creative outlet to do a little writing.  I write about whatever moves me on a given day, but most frequently I explore the effect of the divorce on my kids, co-parenting with my ex, dealing with his girlfriend and her relationship with my children, and the ups and downs of carving out a new life when the old one  disappears.  My blog is just one (although one of my favorite ones) of the unexpected positive outcomes of a divorce I didn’t see coming and didn’t at all want.  On the first anniversary of my divorce, I wrote a post entitled “D-Day and 100 Divorce Perks” and listed out the top 100 ways in which my divorce had effected a positive change in my life.  I’m finding that if I just look in the right places, I add to that list more and more every day.

Woohoo!  Spring has just about SPRUNG!  Do you feel it?

So, are you feeling ready for the spring?  Or, has this long, cold, snowy, and rainy winter made you feel “stuck” where you are?

Recently a new client said to me, through her tears, “I hate feeling this way.  I cry all the time, I am angry and bitter…I was never this way.  This is NOT who I am…I want ME back again.”

I was struck at her frustration at being “stuck” and wanting to reclaim her joy, her MOJO and her magnificent self….because I have been there myself.  Separation and divorce become a catalyst for massive change…however, at the time, we can’t always “see” what comes next.  And, we are often paralyzed by our emotions and struggle to take the action we know we should be taking!

The problem is, no matter how much we sit alone at work, home or while running our kids around thinking about it, we can’t jumpstart our journey alone. 

We need each other to gain wisdom, inspiration, encouragement and support.    It  is hard to make friends in mid life, especially after divorce….and yet, we all want desperately to connect; to ourselves and each other.

I have spent the past few months planning a really special opportunity for YOU!

It is a one day retreat aimed to get you “un-stuck”! 

It is called Anew YOU!  and is a specially designed  program to jumpstart your journey towards designing your new and fantastic life!  It will be taking place on April 2, in Connecticut, at a wonderful studio called Fitbehavior in Rocky Hill.

 I have invited six amazing experts to join me in offering you a day of radical transformation in all the areas of your life that need your attention:

• Financial Empowerment – Lili Vasileff
• Self Care – Carolyn Phillips
• Attracting Ideal Relationships – Janice Christopher
• Dating After Divorce – Jaimy Blazynski
• Believing In and Trusting Yourself – Mary Jones
• Surviving and Thriving – Cathering Ewing
• Taking MASSIVE Action  – ME

The agenda and details for the day can be found at:

http://www.discoverthedspot.com/events.html

This is a never been offered before event, and I want YOU to be a part of it!

I know that there are many excuses you can make to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone and into an opportunity to finally create the life you REALLY want, including:

• Cost
• Time
• Location
• Fear
• “Not into that”

However,  DON’T!  I want you to CHOOSE YOU! 

Together, with a group of women who all have a shared experience, the transition of divorce, you will BREAKTHROUGH where you are to design what comes next!

I have asked these amazing experts to join me this month for a couple of special FREE teleclasses to give you a “taste” of what they will be doing on April 2 at Anew YOU!

The schedule of these special calls is:

Monday, March 14 – Jaimy Blazynski and Carolyn Phillips

Monday, March 21 – Janice Christopher

Monday, March 28 – Mary Jones and Catherine Ewing

All of these calls will take place at 9:00 p.m. EST and will be an opportunity for you to get a “taste” of just how wonderful the Anew YOU! event will be!!!

The call information is:

Phone Number:              760-569-0800

Access Code:                     379361#

What would it mean if:

• You could design a life around what matters most to YOU?
• You had peace and balance in your life?
• You could achieve the health and wellness that you wish for?
• You reached the level of financial security and independence that you only dream of?
• You had joyful, meaningful and exceptional relationships with your children and family?
• You woke up every morning feeling fantastic about YOUR life and excited to begin each day!

 For more information, go to www.discoverthedspot.com/events.html.

I am so delighted to welcome Tara Eisenhard as a guest blogger for the D Spot! She is a fabulous woman, author, blogger…and below she will introduce hereself!

On Wednesday, March 23 at 9:00 pm EST Tara will be joining me with Meredith Allen, another fantastic blogger to talk about issues around being a divorced woman, single parent, and significant other to her boyfriend’s children. For more information about this special free teleclass and all other D Spot events, sign up at www.discoverthedspot.com.

I hope you will join us then!

Hi, I’m Tara. I’m honored that Laura has asked me to guest post on her blog and participate in her upcoming teleclass. I admire and support the mission of The D-Spot.

About me… In 2004, I said “I do” to a decent, hard-working man whom I’d known since childhood. After a few years of living together, we thought marriage was the next logical step. We were wrong. A year and a half later, I was relieved to discover that he was having an affair. His infidelity was my ticket to a better life.

When my parents divorced in my early teens, they set a good example. The process of dissolving my own marriage was smooth one. We didn’t have children and I didn’t want to fight. I signed away my half of our business, took our dogs, my clothes and the bed (because I paid for it) and I moved on. Gleefully. To this day, my ex and I are still friendly and I wish him the best.

I’m a very passionate divorcee. I believe that a marriage should not survive at the expense of its participants. I’ve seen far too many of my friends and family sacrifice themselves just to avoid the D-word. And that’s not fair to anyone.

I think our societal paradigm regarding divorce needs to change. I prefer to view the divorce process as one in which two people work towards the common goal of ending their partnership. The current adversarial prescription is a costly and painful procedure in which lawyers profit and family members suffer. I believe there is a healthier way and every individual has the power to positively influence his/her journey.

My divorce as well as my experience as the partner of a divorced dad has fueled my quest for knowledge. I consider myself a student of divorce and its related topics. In late 2009, I published my blog, Relative Evolutions, located at thedivorceencouragist.wordpress.com and a few months later, I attended training to become a divorce coach. I’ve written articles for Divorced Women Online and StepMom Magazine. It is my sincere goal to help individuals have better, not bitter, divorces which lead to a more fulfilling existence. …Because divorce signifies the evolution, not dissolution, of a family.