The D Spot

I had the most wonderful experience this past week.  I had the opportunity to host a special call with two fabulous women, Meredith Allen and Tara Eisenhard. 

I had never met either of them…as a matter of fact, I had never even spoken to them before last night.  But they are kindred spirits and I believe will be women with whom I will stay connected as I move along my own journey of self discovery and.

I asked Meredith and Tara to join me for my monthly teleclass because I had been reading their blogs and was taken by their candor, honesty and compassion.

Tara writes a blog called Relative Evolutions and has a philosophy about divorce that is in alignment with mine.  She believes:

• A marriage shouldn’t survive at the expense of its participants.
• Sometimes a good divorce is the appropriate solution to a bad marriage.
• Separation signifies the evolution, not dissolution, of a family.
• Divorce is the shared goal of two people wishing to part ways.
• Divorce shouldn’t be ugly or expensive.

Tara is a divorced woman with no children of her own, but she is the girlfriend/partner of a man with children and has wonderful insight into the role that she plays in his/their lives.

Meredith writes a blog called Now Is Good where she shares her journey through and after divorce.  Meredith is a divorced mom of three beautiful children and is navigating the waters of being a divorced woman and co-parenting with her Ex and his live-in girlfriend, a woman that was part of the reason for the divorce.

In her own words, “I’m a newly single mom of 3.  I’m also a daughter, sister, friend, loner by nature and lawyer by trade. I swear like a sailor.  I laugh really loudly.  I have no tolerance for hypocrisy.  Sarcasm, strength, good grammar, intelligence, biting humor and a fair amount of red wine are requirements, not preferences.  Life has been throwing curve balls and I’ve been fielding them as well as I can.  This is me figuring it all out.”

I absolutely LOVE her style!

Tara and Meredith recently blogged together in a series called “She Said, She Said” where they shared their thoughts on being divorced women, co-parents, the girlfriend of a divorced dad and managing so many emotions!

Because of the way in which they explored these issues and the respect, intellect and compassion in their writing, I asked them to join me for a conversation on the very same topic.

It was an EXTRAORDINARY hour!

I learned so much from them…and together, we talked about the REAL DEAL of divorce and the journey to wards creating your new and ideal life! 

The call was so great that I wanted to make sure I shared it with you!  So, click here to listen to the call….I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

I have noticed recently that many of my clients are struggling with what I call the Moment of Finality.

You may be asking yourself, what is the “moment of finality”?  Great question.

 My definition of the “moment of finality” is the moment that any relationship in your life changes indefinitely and the ‘way it has always been’…ends.”

 It can be a professional relationship;

A friendship;

A romantic relationship;

A partnership; or

A marriage.

When any one of these relationships evolves to a point where it no longer serves us,  and causes us enough sadness, pain and conflict, we begin evaluating whether or not we choose to remain in the relationship.  This period of evaluation can last for up to years….especially when it is the marital relationship. 

The  “moment of finality” happens when we know in our heart…deep in our core, that the relationship is over as we know it.  And that in fact, we will now need to move on…let go of  “what was”. 

Unfortunately, (and this is where the challenge and struggle really lie), only one person in the relationship needs to come to this “moment of finality”  for the relationship to deteriorate, and eventually end. 

The person who arrives at this moment of finality first will usually do one of two things:

1. Choose to end the relationship and with a marriage, ask for a divorce.  In some cases they have been open and honest about their unhappiness so it is no surprise, and in other cases, they experience enormous guilt and can’t find the courage to communicate.  Therefore, this choice seems to come “out of nowhere”.
2. Engage in a Self Sabotaging behaviors.  In this instance, instead of making a choice to end the relationship openly, honestly and with respect, they act in a way that will ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship, such as having an affair, drinking excessively,….

Let’s use a less emotional experience as an example.  You may work in a job that is only “okay” for you, one that is not ideal, but pays the bills.  You don’t really like it, but you accept that it is not “bad enough” to make a change.  However, you get called into your boss’ office and told that they are re-organizing the department and there will not be a place for you in the new structure….that you are being let go. 

Even though you don’t really “like” the job and it is not “ideal” for you, you are stunned to have been fired and paralyzed with the fear of what you are going to do now.  You were not ready for this relationship to end, and therefore, didn’t see it coming….even though you knew it was not the right job and situation for you.

A relationship/marriage, is no different.

 Almost all of the women (and men for that matter) that I speak with at any length about their divorce, whether they initiated it or not, recognize that their marriage at its core, was NOT ideal for them.

But even knowing that it was not “ideal”, the divorce hits with such force, that we are left stunned, winded and overwhelmed with emotions.  We forget that in our heart, we know that it hasn’t been a good relationship for a long time.

When we are in a relationship or marriage that is NOT ideal for us and does not support us to be our most magnificent selves, and we have done whatever we can to repair it, and it continues to be a cause of pain and struggle, it is time to let it go.

Once one person in the relationship has reached their own “moment of finality”, their focus and attention becomes letting it go and moving forward towards “what comes next”.  They have already internally come to a decision to end the relationship. 

However, the other person may, or may not, be aware of the process that led to their partner/spouse’s decision.  And, because we are not trained to talk openly through the intensity of these kinds of relationship conflicts, it is incredibly difficult and painful to talk about them.  So, in most cases, we don’t.

The difference between when the first person in the relationship has their “moment of finality” and when the remaining person does, is where the greatest miscommunications, misunderstanding and presumptions take place.    It is also where the greatest pain and challenge can be felt.

 And yet, it is also your MOMENT OF DESTINY…and where the journey begins to create your new and extraordinary life.

 If you find yourself not understanding how your divorce happened, wondering why your Ex chose to “leave you” or you are struggling to end your marriage, be gentle with yourself.

If you did not initiate your divorce and it was not your choice, you will need to accept that for whatever reason, you were not made aware of how your Ex came to his “moment of finality” and you may never find out.  Which will be hard for you, but you ARE strong enough to move through it.

If you are contemplating separation or divorce, take the time to understand how and why your marriage no longer serves you and if possible, share your journey openly and honestly with your husband…even if it is frightening to do so.

Regardless of whether your divorce is or was your choice, or not,  reaching your “moment of finality” is scary and overwhelming.  It is always frightening when we can’t see what comes next.  And yet, that is where the greatest growth, joy and opportunities lie!

You are not meant to do it alone…get support if you are struggling with arriving at your “moment of finality” so it can become your Moment of Destiny!!!

It is easy to forget just how powerful language is. And, that the most powerful language is that which we use in communicating to ourselves.

Recently I have found myself using language in communicating with myself, my family, my children and friends that is disempowering and I hate to admit it, negative.

For someone like me, who prides herself on “looking forward towards what will be with a positive disposition”, this revelation was hard to accept.

I had found myself more and more using language that didn’t serve me by:

· complaining about certain challenges in my life

· making excuses for why I couldn’t change my circumstance

· allowing my fears to guide my choices

· expressing myself in way that was limiting, not empowering

When I really stopped and confessed to this…I felt a little ashamed. Ashamed that I was not doing everything in my power to be, do and create all that I want.

I realized that I had lost a bit of focus on what I truly believe and that I had forgotten just how powerful we are!

But, instead of allowing my shame, and therefore my disappointment in myself, to limit me even more, I forgave myself for stepping off course for a moment, and recommitted to unleashing the amazing power of language!

You may be asking yourself what I mean by the “power of language”?

What I mean is the power of the words we choose when we speak or even talk to ourselves.

Words and phrases like:

- I can’t because…

- This always happens to me…

- I will never (do, have, be…)

- This is just who I am…..

- I am not meant to….

- This is how it is supposed to be….

- I’m divorced so….

Do you find yourself using these kinds of words or phrases?

But here is the thing…these words are EXTRAORDINARILY powerful. And if we say them out loud OR to ourselves silently, we actually begin to believe them and subconsciously chart our course towards them.

They limit us and prevent us from moving towards that which we REALLY want, and instead, keep us “stuck” exactly where we are.

I had found that my conversations with my friends and family were becoming more negative in tone and reflected my “inability” to achieve exactly what I want instead of empowering me and inspiring me towards goal achievement!

Worse, I could see that my children were getting their cues and forming their own choice of language from observing and modeling me! What kind of model had I become??

So, it has been almost a week since my re-commitment to using the power of language to open up to possibility and success, and the outcome is already amazing!

Again, I want to ask you to join me by dedicating YOURSELF to using the Power of Language to help set your foundation for renewal and transformation as we enter the new year!