The D Spot

So it’s a new year; and perhaps with this New Year, you have set a resolution that this is going to be your year to find love. Love is the most complicated, awesome, painful and sought after desire there is. We all want it, and we all can have it; but many of us simply just don’t know how to do it.

Well, you can have it, when you understand it and take intentional action to get it.

Here is my Love after Divorce Manifesto, designed to guide you towards attracting, co-creating and sustaining new love in 2013.

I open my heart, my soul and my mind to receiving the love I desire.

If you have loved, thought you had love, lost love or simply have never experienced the beauty of love, you will first have to prepare your heart and soul to receive it again, or for the first time. Looking for love when you are not at peace with loving yourself and the intensity and vulnerability that love creates, will only lead you to a disappointing journey.

Give yourself the time you need to prepare, so you feel ready to allow yourself to receive and participate all that love is and becomes.

I allow curiosity to drive my dating and relationship experiences.

Too often we become critical during the dating process, expecting that we will be met with fireworks and butterflies with every potential partner and becoming angry and frustrated when we believe our expectations are not met. When you are able to look at every person you meet as an opportunity to learn more about them, you not only will enjoy dating far more, but you will be allowing yourself to be curious. Curiosity presents a chance for you to share more about you, inquire about things you really want to know about him and unleash your flirtatious and authentic personality in the process. Be clever, kind and flirty with your delivery and you will be surprised with the results.

I will enjoy, rather than evaluate each new person I meet. I will embrace the opportunity to meet new people as I date, and refrain from analyzing them until I have shared at least three unique experiences with them.

We egotistically believe that we possess the ability to fully evaluate a person upon the first few minutes of meeting them, convincing ourselves that “we know what we want and he is not it”. The truth is, none of us possess this skill. You can assess that you are not attracted to his looks at all, or that he offends or disgusts you, but other than these glaring situations, it is extremely difficult to fully assess a person after having dinner or drinks with him one, two or even three times.

While dating, individuals are not always being their authentic selves. They are nervous, trying too hard, and managing fear; all coming with their own context and skill level. Dating is an opportunity to create as safe and enjoyable environment as possible while getting to know someone; which takes time and shared experiences. Rather than having repeated dates for dinner and drinks, try another activity. Go skiing or hiking, visit a gallery or museum, cook together; there are endless ways to share time. Preferably choose an activity that is something you love and see how he is able to share it with you. Until you have the chance to see someone relaxed and comfortable, it will be a challenge to assess how you really feel.

I own who I am and what I want and need; setting boundaries that leave me feeling empowered, honored and in control of my romantic life.

There is nothing more attractive than someone who knows who they are and what they want; and who remains loyal to that even within an intimate relationship. If you are unable to honor what you want and set boundaries around that, you simply won’t be able to create a love that is sustainable over time.

Extraordinary, sustainable love is only possible when both of the people in the relationship are healthy, happy and whole as individuals. There are no exceptions.

I embrace being a woman and will nurture the feminine, sensual and flirtatious part of me as I seek out love and romance.

Sex is not the same thing as sensuality and sexuality. The more you embrace and enjoy your sensuality and sexuality as a woman, the better your relationship will be and the more fun you will have. It is not about performance or being good in bed; it is about connecting to your femininity and being comfortable with your sexuality. Walking fully in your identity as a woman will bring out the masculinity in any man. As you move along your journey to search for love, cultivate your own sensuality by doing things for yourself that allow you to feel strong, sexy and vibrant; and then bring this into your experiences while dating.

I recognize that open, honest, and face-to-face communication is the only way to co-create and build a healthy relationship.

Real and healthy love only takes place through a deep and “live” connection with each other. Relationships that take place virtually with little or no interaction face to face, will never sustain the test of time. The only place for intimate conversation and communication is when you are together or perhaps on the phone in between time together.

Having intimate conversations via text or email is a clear indicator that there are cracks in the foundation of the relationship and suggests that it is unlikely that you will ever be able to create real love together.

I trust myself and will listen to my gut and my intuition when it guides and protects me.

Most of us use the phrase “I don’t know” to avoid listening to our own intuition; especially when it may mean walking away from something that represents what we want. You do know. You always know somewhere deep down inside; even if you struggle to say it out loud.

Love is complicated, and it requires complete honesty; even when it hurts. Trust yourself…you are worth

I don’t know about you, but there were a lot of thoughts running around my head as I read the Fifty Shades trilogy.

Yes, I am aware that they are a fun, erotic series of novels and that, of course, not one that can possibly be based in reality…or can it?

The truth is that while they are in fact perhaps exaggerations of what we define as “real” or appropriate, they are exactly that…exaggerations. Exaggerations built on thoughts that you and I often think and feel, deep down inside. Things like:

• Can sex be that passionate and crazy good?
• How much “experimentation” is “normal”?
• Am I a freak if I want to try a little bit of “that” (just a little!)…under “appropriate” circumstances?
• There is no way that a man like that could fall madly in love with a woman like that?
• Is it possible that a man could ever love me that much?
• Could I ever love a man that much?

The list goes on and on…and that is why this trilogy has skyrocketed to the best seller list. It opens the door to our imagination, our passion, and our possibilities.

One of the most significant lessons that I took from these books is what I know already to be true; that it is critical to speak our truth, no matter how afraid or how vulnerable we feel.

James, in her trilogy, created characters Christian and Anastasia, as dramatic exaggerations of what could be any two individuals that are seemingly so different from each other.

Christian Grey “seems” at first to be a sexual deviant, an abusive, crazy and “narcissistic” man. And yes, he is extreme (controlling, sexually “out there”, and self-centered)…for you and I. However, when viewing him through a lens of curiosity and compassion, Anastasia finds a man who has been deeply wounded, is carrying “fifty shades of baggage”, and ultimately, wants to love and be loved, but has no idea of what healthy love looks like. Of course, this is shrouded in over the top dominant scenarios and crazy drama throughout the book.

What I am talking about are the underlying messages. Shown through the relentless pursuit of Anastasia to understand him and extract his truth.

Anastasia is just the opposite. With no experience at love, intimacy or sex of any kind, she is simply nervous, excited, scared, curious and vulnerable. However, she is also smart and confident. And while she is also ultimately looking to love and be loved, she navigates being open to what she doesn’t know and understand, with caution, safe boundaries and her truth.

There is tension between them, not only sexually, but because in honoring their own individual truths, they learn that they will have to share their fears, their vulnerabilities and their deepest desires.

It is never easy to share with someone we care about what our deepest truth is. It takes courage, clarity and risk. Risk that the other person will be angry with us; that they will judge us; that they won’t love us. These fears often cause us to turn and flee, abandoning our truth and ultimately placing us in a situation we don’t really want at our core.

Christian and Anastasia take the risk; albeit painfully. And, they eventually reap the reward for it. But the messages are clear:

• get clear on what your deepest truth is
• be prepared to set boundaries that honor your truth but allow for growth; then,
• honor your boundaries; with kindness and compassion
• extraordinary love only comes when we share our truth; our fears, vulnerabilities, and deepest desires

So, do you know what your deepest truth is?

What holds you back from speaking your truth?

So, how many of you have read Fifty Shades of Grey?  If you haven’t yet, you must.

Over my vacation last week, I decided to catch up on my pleasure reading which included the Fifty Shades trilogy, and I am so glad I did.  Not because of the sex, which was fabulously fun to read, but more importantly, because the underlying messages of the book are those that are in alignment with all that I stand for.

The books, which most will say are simply erotica for the middle aged, is really a love story; and one that touches upon the very core of what effortless, extraordinary love is all about.

• Yes, the book is deliciously erotic.
• Yes, the book touches upon sexual content that is edgy and may be outside of our comfort zone.
• Yes, the book is exaggerated and extreme in its story.

However, the messages are, in my opinion, critical to the success of any good relationship.  Over the next few blog posts, I am going to share my thoughts about Fifty Shades and what it means for you as you create your new life and love after divorce.

I feel that the most significant message of the book is that things are not always what they seem. 

This is a story of two seemingly unsuited individuals who, over time, prove that they are more of an ideal fit than they could have ever imagined.

We all come with “baggage”, especially after divorce.  As a matter of fact, going through it we develop our own “fifty shades of divorce” and these fifty shades are what become part of the fabric of our lives as well as the experience that best prepares us for our next chapter.

The relationship between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele is one that allows the reader to take our own discomfort with how we think we would handle their situation and view it relative to how their relationship grows and evolves.

Extraordinary love is created when we engage and communicate with our lover/partner with curiosity and compassion.  When our curiosity about why someone does what they do outweighs our need to judge them.  When our desire to understand outweighs our need to react.

The book creates a relationship that is built on the curiosity and compassion shared between Christian and Anastasia and we watch as they question and challenge each other and their “baggage” with humor, desire and passion. 

They are each more interested in learning about each other and what motivates their actions, behaviors and words than they are about pushing each other away because of discomfort and fear.

Moving through and forward after divorce is an experience that can become   our defining story if we let it and can sometimes leave us feeling emotionally reactive and protective.

As we create and attract new relationships after divorce; with our Ex, with our children, and with new romance; leading with curiosity and compassion will ultimately open the door to extraordinary experiences.

I won’t give away the ending, but I will tell you that what happens between them is only possible because they are both willing to:

1.  Use the truth and experiences of their past as opportunities to grow and evolve, becoming a catalyst for change; and

2.  Look past the way things might “seem” with a desire to understand and to unleash the potential in each other. 

 As you move forward through and after your divorce, remember that things are not always what they seem.   There are always reasons why people act the way they do, say the things they do and react the way they do.    If you approach every situation with curiosity and compassion, you will not only discover what is really going on beneath the surface, but you will discover how to communicate in a way that will get you exactly what you want!

 Stay tuned for Part 2 of Fifty Shades of Your New Life after Divorce!

Effortless, extraordinary love.

We all want it.

We all deserve it.

So, why don’t we all have it?

How did you react today when you read the title of this post?

Did you say to yourself, “there is no such thing as effortless love”?  Or did you roll your eyes, snort and say, “I am done with this relationship and love thing”?

Or, did you quietly say to yourself, “I want to be in love, feel love and experience effortless love, but I don’t even know where to begin”.

Divorce, the end of a profound and significant love relationship, while it feels like an end, is really the beginning of a journey towards attracting, creating, embracing and enjoying effortless, extraordinary love.

So, why don’t we all have this kind of love in our lives? 

Because we aren’t ready for it.

I don’t mean that you don’t want it. Deserve it. Or are capable of it.  What I mean is that there is far more involved in preparing for it than most people understand.

Being ready for effortless, extraordinary love means living an effortless, extraordinary life.

What happens for so many individuals is that they try to find love before they are ready.  As a result, they may find themselves in a relationship that is not healthy, and one that inevitably, does not work out.  In their eyes this further validates that true love doesn’t exist and now seems even more impossible.  Have you ever felt this way?

So what does being “ready” for love mean?

Here are five indicators that you are ready for effortless and extraordinary love:

• You are honest and clear on what you “must have” and “must never have” in your ideal relationship.

While most of us believe we know exactly what we want in a relationship, the reality is that we don’t really have clarity around what we must have and must never have.

And it is not always what it seems.

For example, in one of my Love Chats this past week, a woman shared that on her “list of five” criteria, she would like a man that is within five years of her age.  After further conversation and exploration, what we discovered is that age is not really a “must have” for her, but rather that at her age and stage, having more children is something that she “must never have”.  Age is not a deal breaker, but dating someone who wants children, is.

Often we are not honest about our truths, and as we date; we mold, bend and excuse the very things that will cause the deterioration of the relationship over time.  Being ready means knowing the truth of what you need and want in your ideal relationship.

• You enjoy dating and “kissing lots of frogs”!

Finding your ideal relationship can happen at any time and at any place.  However, if you are not living a life that allows you to interact with potential partners, it is going to be difficult to find one.

You will need to put yourself in situations and environments where you can interact with people all the time and you will need to be open to and excited about meeting them.

I love men.  Even after my divorce, I never stopped loving, enjoying and attracting men.  As a matter of fact, I also love people and am curious about human behavior.  So for me, spending time dating was fun.  Regardless of whether or not they were “the one”, I always enjoyed the process of getting to know someone new.  As a result, I am still friends today with a number of the men I dated, even if just for one date.

Getting to know a prospective partner and beginning a new relationship is one that requires curiosity, time and shared experiences.  It doesn’t happen overnight and is the repeated enjoyment of spending time together.

If you are aggravated by the dating process, frustrated with how long it is taking, or bitter about the opposite sex; you are probably not ready to build a new, exceptional relationship.

• You live a life of passion and purpose.

Are you happy?  Do you enjoy your life?  Part of creating an extraordinary relationship is sharing the joys of your life with someone new and allowing them to share their joyful life with you.

Effortless relationships do NOT include the responsibility of making each other happy.  Happiness is found within, and then shared with each other.  It is in the sharing of passions and purpose that juicy joy is created.

If you are not living a life you love, filled with passion and purpose; the likelihood of attracting a relationship that makes you happy is slim.  For those individuals who seek a partner that will fulfill them and make them happy, it is disappointing when a new relationship deteriorates for “no good reason”.

That is not to say that in an extraordinary relationship both people don’t enhance the joy and happiness in each other lives, because that is part of what makes it so fabulous; but one is not the sole source of happiness for the other.

If you are not already living a life you love, you are not yet ready.

• You have healthy and happy relationships with your friends and family.

Usually individuals who have an extraordinary love relationship, also have happy and healthy relationships with the other people in their lives.

Back in November I wrote about the wonderful quote, “How you do anything is how you do everything”.   There is no situation for which this applies more perfectly than relationships.

Divorce can create a shift in many of the relationships in your life, because it is the demise of a significant love relationship, your marriage.  It takes time to deconstruct the experience of a marriage and rebuild our relationship confidence.

If you find that you are experiencing conflict and tension in a number of relationships in your life, the chances are that there is something deeper going on that deserves exploration.

• You are emotionally and financially healthy.

So, this is a biggie.  If you are not emotionally and financially healthy, it will be extremely difficult to attract and sustain an effortless, extraordinary relationship.

I don’t want you to misunderstand me, I recognize that you may not be financially abundant (yet!), but it is critical to be in control of your own financial life before you can share your life with someone new.  The same applies to emotional health.

Healthy relationships are built when the individuals in them are healthy.

If the ground beneath your feet is not yet stable, taking the time to build security in your life will be a key to unlocking the door to new love.

Having effortless, extraordinary love in your life is not only possible, but essential.  And it is yours for the taking when the time is right!

“I will never get married again…”

“I can’t even imagine going on a date…”

“I feel so old and unattractive…”

“How do you even meet people…”

“I don’t have time in my life for dating”

“I’m so ready for my next relationship…”

“There are no good men out there…”

I hear these statements over and over again from women who are going through and moving forward after divorce.  Any of these sound familiar to you?

So today we are going to have a lesson in “SEXpectations” or the expectations we all have about love after divorce or the ending of any relationship.

Whether you believe it or not, the following words will all have a significant role in your new life:  dating, romance, sex, intimacy, sensuality, passion and love. So, I am going to give you my thoughts about what each of them means in your journey towards designing your amazing new life:

Dating:   Dating is fun!  Yes, you heard me, dating should be and can be a blast when you have set expectations around it that allow you to enjoy the process.  You will not fall in love on a first date, nor will you know if he is the “right” fit for you immediately.  You will need time and shared experiences to determine that.  However, if you become curious about men and understanding who they really are, you are going to have a fabulous time!

Romance:  Romance is not just a part of dating, it is a “way of being” in any relationship.  It is not about flowers, chocolate or lingerie…it is a feeling state.  It is the way you feel about and pursue a new partner.  Romance is the journey of time and shared experiences that allow you to build a new partnership and intimacy.  Creating romance in your life is about creativity, selflessness and connecting to the loving parts of yourself.  It is an expression of who you are and how you feel about another person.

Sex:  What can I say about sex!  Sex is a critical part of life; and, it is fabulous, fun and FREE!  Sex after divorce can be scary and intimidating, especially if it was not a healthy part of your marriage.  However, sex can be, and should be, a wonderful and exciting part of your life, and relationship.  There are many different kinds of sex and we have the power to choose when, with whom, and in what way we have it as we create our new and empowered lives and relationships. What becomes important is know what you want and why so that you can make healthy and safe choices about your sexual life.  Sex becomes more fun and exciting as you reconnect to who you are and the woman you are meant to be!

Intimacy:  Intimacy is the growing closer and sharing experiences with someone.  It is being vulnerable, trusting and surrendering to the process of getting to know someone.  While it may feel scary, it takes courage and a commitment to being authentic and honest to experience true intimacy; and is at the core of growing a deep connection with your partner.

Sensuality:  “Sensuality is an enjoyment of the pleasure we receive through our five senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. Although each of these can be experienced in a sexual context, they can also be enjoyed in a totally non-sexual way.”  This is one of my favorite definitions of sensuality.  One of the most important parts of the journey through and after divorce is the reconnecting to your sensuality.  For some this is an uncomfortable process but one that will result in tremendous pleasure!

Passion: Passion is an energy that is created when you are doing and experiencing things that you love; and is experienced when the things you do are in alignment with the very core of who you are. What prevents so many from experiencing unbridled passion is not having clarity around what you love to do and be.  Passion can be found in the friendships you surround yourself with, the work that you do, the way in which you spend your time and attitude you choose to have.  When you are living a life you love, with passion and purpose, you will find that it will naturally become the foundation upon which a new relationship will be built.

Love:  Aaahhh, love!  Exceptional love is not only possible, but it is out there waiting for you when you choose to do whatever it takes to have it!  Despite popular belief, love doesn’t just happen; it is something we choose to create in our lives.  However, real love begins within ourselves and is created when we do the hard work of preparing ourselves for it!

Moving through and after divorce often creates feelings of doubt about the possibility of having and sustaining a real and extraordinary loving, passionate, sexy, and romantic relationship.

The truth is that no matter where you are and no matter what your past experience has been, love is out there, waiting for you!

So, where are you in your Love Journey?  Do you know what your SEXpectations are?  If not, now is the perfect time to give yourself the gift of getting clear and understanding what you want and exactly how to get it!