The D Spot

Recently I have been asked, by more than one media outlet, to speak on the subject of what I believe the single most important piece of advice is that I would give to anyone who is thinking about, going through or moving forward after divorce.

As you might imagine, this is a loaded question and one for which I seem to have trouble answering.  There are many words of guidance that I would give anyone who is facing or has experienced the transition of divorce.

As I sit at my desk (as I am doing right now), I am once again reflecting on this question…what IS the most important piece of advice I would give?

You are in this with me so I ask you! What is the one thing you need more than anything else; the one thing that would change your life right now?

Is it money?
Is it a more effective way to communicate?
Is it a job?
Is it new love?
Is it a “life roadmap”?
Is it courage?  Is it confidence?

 Or perhaps, it is a combination of all of the above?

Like you, I continue to move forward designing my new life after divorce; and to be completely honest, I have had a challenging couple of days.  So, today I could use more effective techniques for communicating with my teenage son, a few new strategies for managing a long distance relationship and perhaps a few helpful hints on re-energizing when you have limited time available.

I guess what I really need is information; information from someone who is an expert in these issues.  Or in other words, really good support.

I have a lot of friends and family that love me, and who would be happy to share their thoughts and opinions with me.  After all, I know that they want me to be happy.

But that is not what I know I need.  I need someone who doesn’t just love me (although loving me would be nice!!), but someone who can give me the tools and resources I need and who is skilled at supporting me create a plan for addressing my most pressing issues, the ones that make me feel sad, overwhelmed and anxious.  I’m not a person who wants to waste a lot of time, I am ready to take action!

The good news for me is that I surround myself with experts in all different areas of personal development and most importantly, I am not afraid to ask for help, or support.

So, that’s it, the #1 thing that you need, and by the way, deserve!   Getting information and really good support is the THE single most important piece of advice that I can give to you and anyone else who wants to create new life after divorce.

It may be that you need money, a job, new love, parenting wisdom….but regardless of what you need, it comes down to asking for and getting support; support from someone who has the skills, the training, the information and the talent to move you forward and create a plan for eliminating the sadness, paralysis and overwhelm that you feel.

And while I recognize that asking for support may feel uncomfortable and maybe even “weak”, it is the strongest, wisest and most loving thing you can do for yourself.

Trust me, I am right here with you.  In fact, I must go right now and make a few calls myself!

I love the Olympics. To see the world come together for fair and honest competition based on performance alone is something that I find extremely impressive, empowering and exciting.

For the past week, I have had my TV on and set to the Olympic coverage as background for everything that I am doing.  I have seen competition in sports that I had never seen before and heard countless stories of young and “older” (I am a bit sensitive to the label of “old” given my own age!) athletes as they prepared for their participation in London and going for the Gold!

All of the stories were inspiring and highlighted the complete and all-consuming vision and training of athletes; many despite challenges, obstacles and adversity.

Regardless of who wins the gold, silver and bronze, each athlete has prepared with complete dedication, commitment and focus for their chance to compete and the possibility of success that the Olympics represents.

I can’t help but feel like the Olympics is just a metaphor for life; my life…your life.

While only a few will be medalists in London, ALL of the competitors are now Olympic Athletes…an honor in itself.

Your future IS your Olympics; an environment that offers unlimited, timeless opportunity and possibility.  Like the Olympics, “competing” in this environment, our future, requires focus, discipline, commitment and a relentless pursuit for “winning the Gold”!  However, unlike the Olympics, there are unlimited medals to go around!  How fabulous is that!

Even better we can ALL win Gold because each of us has a different definition of what “Gold” is.  It is defined as whatever you want it to be; whatever your desires and dreams are! How far you go is only limited by YOU… and the standard that you set.  A standard that defines what you want.  Lucky for us, every day is an opportunity to “train” to win it!

If creating and sustaining and extraordinary love in your life is your Gold, make today the day that you state loudly and clearly to the world that you will do any and everything that it takes to get it…and you WILL!  And by the way, we can “compete” in multiple events; love, prosperity, health and fitness, parenting…

Today’s younger athletes will use the performance of the London Olympians to set their goals for the 2016 Olympics and they begin training NOW.

You and I are no different, except that we are not limited by the performance of others; we can have everything that we want, if we do the hard work of preparing for it.

So, don’t wait another minute…set your vision and go for the Gold!

Over Thanksgiving weekend I read a book that I have been wanting to read for a long time.  Called The Last Lecture, this book is a recounting of the final lecture presented by computer science professor Randy Pausch as part of a lecture series at the Carnegie Mellon University.  Randy’s lecture was titled “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”, and although he talked about exactly this, it was far more than that.

Before reading the book, I knew very little about Randy Pausch other than the fact that he had delivered an extraordinary speech before his untimely death at a young age leaving behind his beloved wife and three small children.

It was an easy read and yet, even after reading as many books on personal growth and intentional, positive living as I have, he shared a number of wonderful lessons that I have been thinking about ever since.

The one that resonates the most with me is about perseverance and determination, and yet, is remarkably simple at the same time.  Essentially, nothing that you or I haven’t heard before, but for whatever reason, his presentation of it reinforced my own sense of responsibility and personal power.

Randy says, “Brick walls are there for a reason.  They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

BAM!  What a simple and powerful statement!!

While reading this, I was reminded of just how persistent we must be when we really, truly want something for ourselves.  So often when we come up against our own brick walls, we retreat in fear, frustration or fury.  Instead of remaining committed to our goal and increasing our efforts to reach it, we view the obstacle as too big to overcome, to exhausting to deal with or too much to handle.  You know what I am talking about?

These brick walls are given to us for a reason, and provide us with an opportunity not only to grow, but to review and revise our strategy for moving forward.  It is all in the way that we view them and how we choose to respond to them.

Despite my best attempts, I too find myself occasionally giving up way to quickly and feeling frustrated at experiencing yet another roadblock.    Or, worse, taking the “low and easy road” when responding and making the situation even worse for myself.   Has this ever happened to you?

When going through and moving forward after divorce it can feel like you come up against one brick wall after the other and therefore the challenges also feel insurmountable and your dreams, vision and goals unachievable.   But it is not true!  It is only the lens through which you are looking…a lens that reflects your temporary exhaustion, sadness, fear and frustration!

Randy, through his last lecture, shares with us the gifts that our brick walls have to give.  That they are there to inspire us, to raise our bar and fight through our fears as we push forward and go out and get what we want.  His words are written so that his children will know who he is.  So that they will understand his character and the values that he holds dear.  At the same time that he helps us to reframe how we face our brick walls, he reminds us that our even greater obligation is to remember that we are modeling for and teaching our children and those we love.  How we move forward sets the standard for our children and informs their values.   How we live our life is the legacy we leave our children, our families and our community.

His message is powerful.

Randy’s book reignited a passion in me to focus on my dreams and commit to doing whatever it takes to achieve them.

Whatever your latest challenge, it will not be the last brick wall that you will be faced with.   I hope that now, when it does come, you will choose to view it as an opportunity.  And that you will not only get clear on exactly what you do want, but accept the challenge as a way for you to prove just how badly you want it!

As you embrace your brick walls, please share them so that we can all celebrate your courage, strength and perseverance!

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Joy is a choice.

I recently read this statement in one of Lissa Rankin’s blog posts and loved it.

Although I have seen it before, its truth resonated with me more today than ever before. Perhaps it is because so many of you have been reaching out to me to share your challenges and how often you feel “stuck” and unable to experience the joy you deserve!

I hear your frustration, fear and overwhelm, and while I know that your feelings are very real, I also know that you have a choice in what you are going to do with them. And, the choices you make will, in fact, determine how much joy you can create!

It is hard to believe but the New Year is only six weeks away! Six weeks in which we must let go of what was to make room for what will be. It is in the “letting go” that we often feel so much pain and yet at the same time, it is also the doorway to the joy that we desire.

So, let me ask you this. Do you know what you REALLY want your life to look and feel like? When is the last time you took time out of your day to close your eyes and imagine how you want to spend your time, who you want to spend your time with and what you want to be doing each and every day?

Divorce is an experience that touches every area of life and creates a future where you can expect unexpected and inevitable challenges…and opportunities. Often we cling so tightly to what life before divorce looked and felt like, that we become unable to see the amazing future that lies before us. We end up carrying the “story” of what was into our new future when all the joy and happiness we desire sits there waiting for us to CHOOSE to see it.

Do you ever tell yourself that because of your divorce, you can’t have what you want? Do you tell yourself that it is not possible to create the life that you really desire because you don’t have the time, the resources, or the ability to make it happen?

If so, it is time to leave your voice of limiting beliefs behind as you move towards the New Year; for it is this voice that is choosing pain, and suffering. And, it is time to choose joy.

What if you not only accepted and embraced the inevitable challenges that have and will come your way, but instead look at them as an opportunity to make a new and empowered choice? How would your life be different if every challenge became the door to a new and magical experience?

Life as a divorced woman is complex. Even more so if you have children. Managing your role as a mother, as a professional, as a daughter, sister and best friend, as a sexy and passionate lover and partner, and as a financially independent and abundant woman will inevitably create challenge. And each of these challenges presents an opportunity to practice your gift and power of choice. Here are three tips for tapping into the power of choosing joy:

Pause – when a challenge rears its ugly head; before you speak, act or make any sudden movement, push your inner pause button, take a deep breath and commit to thinking through the options available to you in responding. There are always more solutions than you can imagine.

Flip – before you choose how to respond to any given challenge, flip the situation around. Step into the perspective of each person involved in the situation and reflect on not only how they feel, but what you think they really want. Things are not always what they seem and in understanding other perspectives, you will discover a response that achieves the best possible outcome.

Select – after taking time to pause and reflect, it is time to consider which response you will choose. What is most important in selecting, or CHOOSING your response to a challenge, is to make sure that it meets the high standards that you have set for yourself and that it allows you to move forward in the way YOU want.

Most of us will react instead of strategically responding to any given challenge. And when we react, we give up our power of CHOICE and instead are led to action by emotion and impulsiveness; which often creates more pain, more conflict and regret at not having handled the situation more effectively.

It is in each challenge and your carefully chosen response, that you will discover your greatest strength, courage, and brilliance. Learning to Pause, Flip and Select will allow you to step fully into your power of choice and experience more joy than you can possibly imagine!

Hurricane Irene seriously took its toll on my property.  I love where I live because I am set in the middle of the woods where there is plenty of quiet and I can get my fill of nature.  However, when Irene came whipping through, she significantly damaged my calm and peaceful property causing many of the small trees to come down and the limbs from the larger trees to rip off.

For the past two months I have been working feverishly to clear out the woods of dead branches and trees.  There are piles of logs, large tree limbs, twigs, tangled vines, and brush all over. It is a mess.

It is such a mess that I haven’t known exactly how to handle it, and in fact, have been completely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it.  But now, after spending hours and hours cleaning it out section by section, I am realizing that this process is not unlike the journey through and after my divorce.

When Irene came through, I had no idea of just how significantly my property had been affected and how long the clean up would take. My divorce, like Irene, also came tearing through my life leaving chaos and a major mess behind it.

I take tremendous pride in keeping my environment clean, tidy and pretty to look at.   It makes me feel comfortable and secure when it is nicely taken care of.  You can only imagine what living with dead trees and piles of sticks and wood all over the place has been like for me!  Especially because no matter what I do, it will never look like it did before.  The good news is that the storm was the catalyst for some long overdue property and garden maintenance that I had been putting off.

Thankfully, the lessons learned through my divorce, and now reinforced by the power of Ms. Irene, have actually enabled me to manage this cleanup in a completely different way.

Here is what you need to know about hurricanes, and divorce:

• It is going to be messy for a while.

There is no way around it.  When something as strong as a hurricane, or divorce, comes into your life, things are going to be complicated and messy even under the best of circumstances.  Looking outside my window and seeing piles of wood, dead trees, and debris everywhere is unsettling and uncomfortable for me.  My divorce was no different.  The amount of change I experienced felt just the same way…uncomfortable, unwelcome and overwhelming.  I have had to learn to get used to it because clean up takes time.  Things are not going to go back to the way they were, they will be different going forward.  My property will never look the same, but I know in time, it will look even better than before.

• It is more and harder work than you can imagine.

Cleaning up after a Hurricane is hard.  I mean really hard.  As a matter of fact, on the days that I have spent my time pulling out branches, cutting them up and carrying them to their proper pile, I don’t even have to think about getting in a workout.  It is a workout.  And it is taking a lot longer than I expected.  But, every day I see the results of my efforts.  Removing so many trees and branches is changing the look of the property.  It is getting cleaner and neater and I have already started to think about the new trees, plants and flowers that I want to add next spring.  The same holds true for divorce.  It takes time, energy and a commitment to working hard to “clean up” during and after the transition.  It is messy for quite a while.  Moving forward and reinventing your new, awesome life is going to take a lot of work.  However, the more work you put into it, the greater the results you are going to see.

• You must have a vision and plan to accomplish it.

 I can’t yet imagine what my property will look like. But here is what I know. With so many trees and branches removed, there is far more sun shining down on the house and the lawn than before.   With this increase in sunlight, I know that the grass will be greener and healthier than it has been and the plants that are already there are going to be fuller than ever.  As well, the floor of the woods should now be able to grow a rich, vibrant ground cover because there is so much more light coming through.  I know that this will not happen over the next year.  In fact, this transformation will happen slowly over time.  I will see it evolve each month and season but my full vision won’t manifest without time, and patience.  I’m sure that you can see how divorce is exactly the same.  When I got divorced, I also lost other relationships.  Again, it was messy…so much changed.   It didn’t feel “pretty” for a while, and it took a lot of work to manage the transition. Through it all I had a vision….a plan for what I wanted my life to look like.  At first I didn’t have the answers to “how” I was going to create my ideal life.  But what I did know was that I had to start someplace and I had to take action.  Step by step I moved towards my vision.

• The chaos and “mess” will evolve into something even more beautiful than before.

I have a clear vision of what my property is going to look like over the next few years, even though I can’t stand to look at it right now.  That vision includes beautiful healthy trees and a lush surrounding of woods.  It includes a lawn and landscaping that gets more air, sun and space than ever before, allowing them to prosper and mature into spectacular gardens.  I see it vividly even knowing that it will take time for that vision to occur.  The same has held true for my life after divorce.  Each month, and year, my new life has emerged and evolved.  I have gained new friendships and relationships, even richer and fuller than before.  I have enjoyed new experiences that have allowed me to grow, evolve and mature into the woman that I am meant to be.  There has been more light, love and joy than I could have possibly imagined.  But I couldn’t have seen it then.  I had to have faith and trust.  And so do you.

Yes, you heard me. Everything you need to create your new and ideal life you learned in your marriage.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized this. But as it happens, it’s true.

It doesn’t matter what your marriage was like, you are and will learn everything you need to know from it.

While I was married I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I even thought that while I wasn’t perfect, I was certainly not to blame for the demise of my marriage…that it was clearly not my fault.

As it turns out, none of these are exactly true. I didn’t know at all what I was doing, I didn’t really know what I want (and need), I had no idea of how to get it and although the divorce was not my “fault”….I absolutely contributed to the deterioration of my marriage.

Looking back now, I realize that my divorce was the catalyst for massive personal growth and that ultimately, my ability to live the life I have now, my ideal life, I owe to all that I learned in my marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t come to this realization easily…nor was the learning process easy either. Before I recognized that my divorce gave me everything I needed to create what I have now, I first went through the pain of it:

• asking myself how it could happen to me
• defending my position as a “victim”
• trying to figure out what would come next
• wondering if I was ever going to find love again
• managing the challenges of co-parenting
• worrying about how to support myself financially

The list went on and on.

I was so immersed on all that was happening to me and consumed by the inequity of it all that I didn’t realize how out of focus I had become.

All I knew was that I had lost my sizzle….my mojo, my “sexy”! I was tired and uninspired. My divorce was over, the papers signed and it was now in my past, but nothing was changing.

And then I reached the moment. The moment when I had enough. The thing about me is that when I have had enough…I mean ENOUGH, I must take massive action.

The problem is that I wasn’t sure what to do, and what actions to take. I had been in therapy for a long time, which had given me the opportunity to explore, review and assess what I had gone through, but now I was ready to make a move. I wanted to move forward and to reclaim my sizzle…get my MOJO and sexy back! It was time.

My journey began with a fabulous life coach who helped me to get clear on what actions to take…and why. But the amazing thing about it was that it was while working with her that I realized that I had learned everything I needed to know through my marriage and its deterioration. I couldn’t believe it.

I had been focusing on the pain, the loss, and all that I no longer had, instead of on what I wanted, needed and now knew.

While you may not know it yet, here is what you are and will learn as you move through and after your divorce:

You will learn what is most important to you.

I truly believed when I began dating my husband and as we started our life together, that I knew what was most important to me. Whether as a woman, wife or mother-to-be, I would have sworn that I knew exactly what it was supposed to look and feel like.

And yet, what I thought mattered most at that time was not accurate, and does not hold true today.

I hadn’t fully known my values and priorities. I thought I did, but it wasn’t without incredibly hard work and being completely honest with myself that I learned my core values.

Over the course of my marriage, and through my increasing unhappiness, I realized that I had not, in fact, really known what mattered most. I had been guided by what I believed “should” matter most. If I knew then what I know now, my decisions and choices would have been vastly different. I know now what does matter most and it is this knowledge that has become the foundation upon which my new, amazing life has been built.

You learn what your greatest weaknesses are.

It is not that I thought I was “perfect”, but it wasn’t until my marriage ended and I began my journey towards creating what would come next that I truly learned what role I had played in its demise. The more I reflected on, explored and worked to understand what had happened in my marriage, the more I learned about me…the good, and the not so good.

It was easy at the time to blame my husband for our marriage failing and to defend my role it in. But that wasn’t fair. We both contributed to its demise; and while he may or may not assume responsibility for his part, it was and is important for me to take responsibility for mine. What we often don’t realize is that taking responsibility for our weaknesses will never diminish anyone else’s bad behavior. Instead it just makes us stronger, wiser and ready for the juicy new life that is waiting for us!

I can’t say that this part of the journey has been my favorite; it is sometimes painful to become aware of and accountable for our imperfections. I can say that the more I understand my imperfections, the more I embrace them. And the more I embrace them, the more I am able to grow and evolve, turning them into attributes that allow me to strengthen the relationships in my life and enjoy far more wonderful experiences than ever before.

You learn who you are and who you are not.

I hardly recognize the woman who was the “wife” in my marriage. As I mentioned, she had lost her sizzle, mojo and “sexy”! It happened slowly over time as I worked hard to be the kind of wife and mother that I believe I “should” be.

I didn’t know who I was at my core, and therefore there was no way for me to be able to walk fully in the power of my amazingness! I wanted to be and do everything for everyone, waiting for affirmation of my hard work and sacrifice and to be granted permission to do and be all the things that make me giggle with joy!

Unfortunately, because I entered my marriage without knowing who I really was and am, there was no way that our union could work. And while my marriage did not work, the journey of learning who I am has opened the door to a life that I could have only imagined and that has allowed me bring my mojo and sexy back to all of the roles I have!

You learn all that you don’t know.

This was the most challenging thing to learn and yet at the same time, it was in learning how much I don’t know that the spark of curiosity in my soul was ignited.

When your marriage dissolves and you go through the process of divorce, you quickly realize how much you don’t know. During that time I found myself asking the same question over and over again, “how did I get here?”

I simply didn’t know. I didn’t know what had happened. And now, I didn’t know who to be, what to do and how to do it. So I started asking questions. I became curious. Before long my curiosity had taken over. I wanted to learn about me, what I do and why. I wanted to learn how to make choices that would be great for me. I also wanted to learn about those around me; my children, my friends, my family and men. I wanted to understand why they do what they do.

In my quest to understand, I have learned that there are amazing people and resources to support me along my journey and to help me be a better woman, mother, partner and friend.

I am still aware of how little I know and I take every opportunity to learn and to grow. It is this curiosity that has become the catalyst for my growth and has opened up amazing opportunities and possibilities.

As we enter the final quarter of 2011, I hope you will join me on a journey to understand all that you have learned through your marriage, and divorce, so that together we can create a foundation upon which your new and SPECTACULAR life will be built!

What a month!

Were you affected by the Hurricane?  My town and home was hit pretty hard by Hurricane Irene and I was rendered without power for three days and without cable/internet for a week, so I have been a bit behind on my writing but was eager to write this for you today!

 While everyone in my family is safe, my property sustained significant damage and unfortunately, a major tree limb fell onto my car which is now at the shop waiting to be repaired! At least it can be repaired so I am grateful!

Something happened to me this summer that I didn’t think could or would happen to me again.  I experienced for the first time in many years, the feeling of a loss of control over my life.

 It is hard for me to even write this because although I recognized certain signs of stress and overwhelm, I never really saw it coming.

 This feeling a loss of control is really just a lack of connection with my own power of intention, a power that I not only take seriously, but practice each and every day.  So, imagine my surprise when I realized what had happened.

I am sharing this with you because it is so common when going through and moving forward after divorce, to lose this connection to the power of intention and its role in the creation of your new life. 

Given this summer’s economic issues and debt ceiling debates, the recent series of hurricane, tornado and floods, and any personal challenges you may be facing, it is highly likely that you may be experiencing the same feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and loss of control.

 Have you experienced any of these feelings lately?  How have you been managing them?

 Last year I read Dr. Wayne Dyer’s amazing book, The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way.   It is an incredible book that changed my life, and I have experienced amazing success as a result of practicing intention on a daily basis.  Last week I decided to read it again to more fully understand what happened, reconnect with it, and begin to teach it more diligently with YOU!

When we lose our connection to the Power of Intention, we have essentially allowed our “ego” (which is the idea that we construct about who and what we are and what we are capable of) to determine our life path.  We therefore no longer feel in control.

I found over the summer that my ego took over completely.  Through a series of personal challenges and outside forces, I allowed myself to get caught up in my own shit; mostly drama with my Ex, kids, friends and a number of limiting beliefs…ultimately leading me to forget to practice intention.  I continued to believe in it and talk about it, but I let my actions, words and attention drift to those things that shut down the ability for this incredible power to do its magic.

What did this look like?  Great question!

 I was:

• irritable and short-tempered
• focused on the issues, not the solutions to challenges
• placing my attention on limiting factors, not abundant possibilities
• using language and words that explained why I can’t instead of why I will
• emotional
• tired and depleted of energy
• out of “flow”

 Can you relate to any of these?

If you can, then you may be experiencing a lack of connection with your own Power of Intention.

The good news is that at any moment you can reconnect with it and harness its power to your advantage. 

I am going to share more about the power of intention and how to apply it to your life in next week’s Dzine, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  It is easy to get caught up in our own ego, our own “stuff”, and disconnect from the very thing that will support us in creating this new and fabulous life.

When you learn to apply the Power of Intention in your own life, you will see dramatic results in turning your new reality after divorce into the foundation for an amazing future!

My NEW fall programs have all been designed to teach you how to apply this power to your own life, wherever you are in your journey.  Intention is even more powerful when we come together as a community of amazing women and support each other along the path to abundance. 

 I hope you will join me in one of the two teleclasses that I have put together, So, You’re Getting Divorced (for those who are just thinking about or beginning the divorce process) or Why Can’t I Get Over This (for those of you who are ready to propel yourselves forward after) and allow me the privilege of working with you.

And for those of you who are looking for a total transformation over the next year, consider participating in the Platinum Coaching program, Falling in Love with YOU and Your new Life, that is designed to radically transform all of the areas of your life!

Since the Debt Ceiling Debate a week ago, there has been nothing short of scary, unpleasant, negative and downright disempowering news everywhere you turn.

Would you agree?

I have to say, if I were one to listen to all of the reasons why the economy is in trouble, why we could be falling into a deeper recession, why it will be more difficult to find work, make money and stay afloat…YIKES! I would probably sit home under the covers and believe that this is as good as it’s going to get.

What a horrible scenario.

Well, here is the good news! I DON’T have to listen!

You heard me correctly, I don’t have to listen. And neither do you.

I don’t have to listen to either party explain why their plan is better than the “other guy’s”. I don’t have to listen to the doom and gloom predictions about the job market and economy. I don’t have to listen to how much more it is going to cost me in tax increases or how many benefits I am going to lose over my lifetime.

What I choose to listen to is up to me! It is my choice….just like it is yours.

I recognize that I am in control of what comes next. I am in control of my financial future. I am in control of where I want to live, how I want to live and the quality of the relationships that I create in my life.

I hear it time and time again:

I can’t because…
There’s no way that I can…
It’s just not possible…
You don’t understand…

So many of us tend to lead with the many reasons why we “can’t” do, be or create what we want, we have sabotaged ourselves before we even begin!

Just because the unemployment rate is up and the job market is down doesn’t mean that you can’t or won’t get a job. Just because someone says that you are too “picky” to find your ideal partner doesn’t mean that you won’t meet a fabulous mate!

Just because someone said it doesn’t make it true!!

You don’t have to listen to all of the voices giving you messages that take your focus off of what you want your life to look like!

It may be your mother;
Your Ex
Your best friend;
The guy you’re dating;
Your boss;
Your sister…
You don’t have to listen!

The journey through divorce can open up the door to all kinds of disempowering and negative voices and messages.  Mainly because there are so many emotions involved and in contentious divorces, there can be “scare” tactics that involve painting unpleasant scenarios that are meant to not only provoke decisions that are not well thought out, but project a disempowered future.

Here are three tips for choosing whether to listen….or not:

If you can’t control it, don’t waste your energy and attention focusing on it. 

The Debt Ceiling Debate is a perfect example. With the exception of calling your local politicians during the past two weeks, there was almost nothing that you or I could do about the negotiations at the White House. Rather than consume your time, energy and attention on it, your focus is better spent on working towards creating your new and wonderful life!

If you have a disempowering thought, ask yourself…is it true? If you can’t find evidence of its truth, let it go.

If your parents tell you that you won’t find a job in this economy and that you should take anything that will pay you, ask yourself, is this true? Is it true that you absolutely will NOT find a job? Is it true that there is not ONE job available? If you can’t prove this to be true, then it is time to let go of this disempowering thought and instead focus on what steps you can take that will increase your chances of getting a job that you love.

Consider the source. Before you accept what you have or will hear, ask yourself if you value the thoughts and opinions of the person delivering the message.

If you are out socially and another mother shares with you that children of divorce are never okay and that they grow up feeling “broken”, ask yourself if you like, admire or value her? Before you react or defend her messages, consider the source and decide whether or not it is worth responding. You not only can choose NOT to listen, you can also choose NOT to spend time again with her.

What you listen to is your choice, so choose wisely.

What a month! Have you ever woken up one morning to find that you are way off track and moving in the wrong direction?

Today I want to share with you, openly and honestly, that despite knowing exactly how to live my ideal life and deliberately create what I want in my life, I woke up this week and realized that I had gotten pulled off my path.

Actually, to be brutally honest, I had allowed myself to get derailed and (gulp) I had, for a brief time, played the role of a victim.

Yes, ME!

It did not take me long to realize what had happened and to get back on track, but I recognize, once again, just how easy it is to take a wrong turn.

Divorce can create challenges even many years after it is “over”. Especially when there are children involved, the issues around co-parenting and communication can show up when you least expect it.

This summer my children’s sports schedules presented extremely complicated travel arrangements. Believing that my Ex would be open to coordinating the schedules with me, I sat back and made assumptions upon which I made decisions….decisions that did not turn out the way that I thought they would.

Instead of pro-actively planning my time the way I wanted to, I gave up my power and the result was not only having to cancel a trip that I had been planning for almost a year but needing to be away at tournaments four consecutive weekends in a row with one son and forfeiting most of my time with my other son for those four weeks.

I won’t go into all of the details (although there were many unpleasant moments during this time) but in the spirit of full disclosure, I admit that I had stepped fully into being a victim, feeling taken advantage of, being angry and acting sorry for myself. Not to mention being exhausted (emotionally and physically), overwhelmed and falling behind in many other areas of my life.

Have you ever gotten to this place?

It wasn’t until the morning after the final tournament that I woke up realizing that I had gotten way off track. That I was somewhere I didn’t want to be….and I had allowed it.

I was not a victim.
I was angry…but mostly at myself.
I had allowed it to happen.
I had not taken control of my own life.

The moment I took responsibility for getting off track, I was able to get myself right back to where I wanted to be. I have also learned a few valuable lessons, not only about myself, but about how I would like to move forward.

I was reminded again of just how easy it is to take that wrong turn…to end up someplace you don’t want to be. However, I also was reminded that it is my CHOICE of whether to remain stuck there or get myself right back on track. Our destiny is within our control. What happens next is a choice we make.

So today I am grateful. Grateful to have had this experience (I could have done without the self imposed misery for that few weeks!!!) so that I can not only share it with you, but support you as you face the moments you find yourself off track.

Oooohhh, I almost forgot! I wanted to share with you the new D Spot facebook page where you can see my daily thoughts, fun resources, updates on upcoming events… I would love to be connected with you in between each Dzine so I hope you will join me there! (and, go ahead and “like” it if you want…it always makes me feel good!) www.facebook.com/discoverthedspot

The celebration of July 4th this year really got me thinking!

Last month, a 20 year old young man from my town was killed in Afghanistan while serving our country. Upon hearing the news, I was overwhelmed by the loss of such a young soldier and gratitude for his ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and independence.

As we moved into the July 4th holiday weekend, I found myself doing more than my usual reflecting on this celebration of independence and what that really means to me.

The more I thought, the more I found that there is a deep connection between independence, freedom and divorce. And that it all truly begins within ourselves.

From a bigger perspective, I am profoundly aware of what it means to be free and independent of a government or dictatorship that strips us of our rights to speak freely, choose freely and live the life we desire. The recent loss of this young man confirms just how fortunate I am to have this freedom and how grateful I am to have it protected.

But as the holiday weekend continued, I found myself reflecting on the freedoms I have in my own life and what exactly independence means to me.

To help me, I first looked up the true definition of independence, which is “freedom from control or influence of another or others” and from there a flood of thoughts entered my mind.

I want to share with you some of the reflections that I had as I spent time journaling and exploring the relationship between divorce and independence/freedom:

1.   I am grateful to have the RIGHT to choose exactly how I want to live my life.

During the final stages of my marriage, I was often filled with an intense desire to break free of what I felt was a relationship and life that did not allow me to live the life I truly wanted. What I have learned since my divorce is that we all have the right to live the life we imagine and deserve, regardless of circumstance. And we have the power to do exactly that.

These years since my divorce have taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to choose and deliberately create the life I want to live. Not only is it my right, but it is a choice that I make each and every day remembering that there are people in the world who do not have that choice. I am grateful for this freedom.

2.   Freedom sometimes comes at a cost.

Getting divorced eliminated the “excuse” that my marriage prevented me from living my ideal life and the freedom to create my next chapter. While my divorce gave me the freedom to choose and took away this excuse, it also put the power of “what comes next” directly into my hands. No more excuses.

Since my divorce, I have learned what it means to be free to choose and to make decisions that will shape the direction of my life. What I never anticipated was what it would mean to make these many decisions and the challenges that come with complete freedom. Having complete freedom can also come with fear, insecurity and doubt, which left me taking time to explore, understand and learn how to manage this incredible new independence.

3.   Freedom can be overwhelming and frightening.

I was unprepared for the level of fear, insecurity and doubt that would come with my new freedom and independence. It was overwhelming. I felt “uneducated” for the decisions that I would need to now make, incompetent to make them, and insecure about how to move forward.

This “freedom” that once beckoned for me was now scaring me to death! Even these many years later, armed with the knowledge, confidence and skills as a coach, educator and author…I still have moments fear and doubt as I move to design my future. Only now I embrace these feelings and use them to face my fears and take control of my own destiny.

4.   Independence is at the core of creating our new lives after divorce.

It wasn’t long after my divorce that I began to understand what “personal independence” meant to me. It was financial independence, social independence, parental independence, romantic independence, professional independence…in fact; this independence began to weave itself into self reliance.

While searching for support to understand and take control of this overwhelming transition, I decided to try out this thing called a “life coach”.  And she changed my life. Instead of facing this daunting independence and self reliance alone and overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, I now began to face each piece of my new future with a plan for taking action towards designing my new life.

5. Independence can be taught and learned.

Working with my life coach was the first step towards my “education” in deliberate creation. Having never heard these words, I could not imagine what they meant?  However, my journey began by appreciating, understanding and assuming responsibility for my freedom and independence. It was brilliant!

This “education” has not only allowed me to create the life I lead…a life of joy, happiness, fulfillment and purpose, but to share it with others through the D Spot.

My divorce was the catalyst for massive change in my life, but more than anything, it gave me the motivation to learn how to live an ideal life. And now I get to share this with you!

I know that you must be thinking that I have taking this July 4th, Independence Day thing to an entirely crazy level! And you may be right!

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves taking what has always been an ordinary and common place occurrence, and experiencing it in a whole new way. This is what happened to me this year over the long holiday weekend!

I felt obliged to share it with you in the off chance that you may be having or will have a similar experience.

If you did, I hope you will share it with me so that we can, together, move through the life changing transition of divorce and create our ultimate destiny!!!