The D Spot

Over Thanksgiving weekend I read a book that I have been wanting to read for a long time.  Called The Last Lecture, this book is a recounting of the final lecture presented by computer science professor Randy Pausch as part of a lecture series at the Carnegie Mellon University.  Randy’s lecture was titled “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”, and although he talked about exactly this, it was far more than that.

Before reading the book, I knew very little about Randy Pausch other than the fact that he had delivered an extraordinary speech before his untimely death at a young age leaving behind his beloved wife and three small children.

It was an easy read and yet, even after reading as many books on personal growth and intentional, positive living as I have, he shared a number of wonderful lessons that I have been thinking about ever since.

The one that resonates the most with me is about perseverance and determination, and yet, is remarkably simple at the same time.  Essentially, nothing that you or I haven’t heard before, but for whatever reason, his presentation of it reinforced my own sense of responsibility and personal power.

Randy says, “Brick walls are there for a reason.  They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

BAM!  What a simple and powerful statement!!

While reading this, I was reminded of just how persistent we must be when we really, truly want something for ourselves.  So often when we come up against our own brick walls, we retreat in fear, frustration or fury.  Instead of remaining committed to our goal and increasing our efforts to reach it, we view the obstacle as too big to overcome, to exhausting to deal with or too much to handle.  You know what I am talking about?

These brick walls are given to us for a reason, and provide us with an opportunity not only to grow, but to review and revise our strategy for moving forward.  It is all in the way that we view them and how we choose to respond to them.

Despite my best attempts, I too find myself occasionally giving up way to quickly and feeling frustrated at experiencing yet another roadblock.    Or, worse, taking the “low and easy road” when responding and making the situation even worse for myself.   Has this ever happened to you?

When going through and moving forward after divorce it can feel like you come up against one brick wall after the other and therefore the challenges also feel insurmountable and your dreams, vision and goals unachievable.   But it is not true!  It is only the lens through which you are looking…a lens that reflects your temporary exhaustion, sadness, fear and frustration!

Randy, through his last lecture, shares with us the gifts that our brick walls have to give.  That they are there to inspire us, to raise our bar and fight through our fears as we push forward and go out and get what we want.  His words are written so that his children will know who he is.  So that they will understand his character and the values that he holds dear.  At the same time that he helps us to reframe how we face our brick walls, he reminds us that our even greater obligation is to remember that we are modeling for and teaching our children and those we love.  How we move forward sets the standard for our children and informs their values.   How we live our life is the legacy we leave our children, our families and our community.

His message is powerful.

Randy’s book reignited a passion in me to focus on my dreams and commit to doing whatever it takes to achieve them.

Whatever your latest challenge, it will not be the last brick wall that you will be faced with.   I hope that now, when it does come, you will choose to view it as an opportunity.  And that you will not only get clear on exactly what you do want, but accept the challenge as a way for you to prove just how badly you want it!

As you embrace your brick walls, please share them so that we can all celebrate your courage, strength and perseverance!

The celebration of July 4th this year really got me thinking!

Last month, a 20 year old young man from my town was killed in Afghanistan while serving our country. Upon hearing the news, I was overwhelmed by the loss of such a young soldier and gratitude for his ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and independence.

As we moved into the July 4th holiday weekend, I found myself doing more than my usual reflecting on this celebration of independence and what that really means to me.

The more I thought, the more I found that there is a deep connection between independence, freedom and divorce. And that it all truly begins within ourselves.

From a bigger perspective, I am profoundly aware of what it means to be free and independent of a government or dictatorship that strips us of our rights to speak freely, choose freely and live the life we desire. The recent loss of this young man confirms just how fortunate I am to have this freedom and how grateful I am to have it protected.

But as the holiday weekend continued, I found myself reflecting on the freedoms I have in my own life and what exactly independence means to me.

To help me, I first looked up the true definition of independence, which is “freedom from control or influence of another or others” and from there a flood of thoughts entered my mind.

I want to share with you some of the reflections that I had as I spent time journaling and exploring the relationship between divorce and independence/freedom:

1.   I am grateful to have the RIGHT to choose exactly how I want to live my life.

During the final stages of my marriage, I was often filled with an intense desire to break free of what I felt was a relationship and life that did not allow me to live the life I truly wanted. What I have learned since my divorce is that we all have the right to live the life we imagine and deserve, regardless of circumstance. And we have the power to do exactly that.

These years since my divorce have taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to choose and deliberately create the life I want to live. Not only is it my right, but it is a choice that I make each and every day remembering that there are people in the world who do not have that choice. I am grateful for this freedom.

2.   Freedom sometimes comes at a cost.

Getting divorced eliminated the “excuse” that my marriage prevented me from living my ideal life and the freedom to create my next chapter. While my divorce gave me the freedom to choose and took away this excuse, it also put the power of “what comes next” directly into my hands. No more excuses.

Since my divorce, I have learned what it means to be free to choose and to make decisions that will shape the direction of my life. What I never anticipated was what it would mean to make these many decisions and the challenges that come with complete freedom. Having complete freedom can also come with fear, insecurity and doubt, which left me taking time to explore, understand and learn how to manage this incredible new independence.

3.   Freedom can be overwhelming and frightening.

I was unprepared for the level of fear, insecurity and doubt that would come with my new freedom and independence. It was overwhelming. I felt “uneducated” for the decisions that I would need to now make, incompetent to make them, and insecure about how to move forward.

This “freedom” that once beckoned for me was now scaring me to death! Even these many years later, armed with the knowledge, confidence and skills as a coach, educator and author…I still have moments fear and doubt as I move to design my future. Only now I embrace these feelings and use them to face my fears and take control of my own destiny.

4.   Independence is at the core of creating our new lives after divorce.

It wasn’t long after my divorce that I began to understand what “personal independence” meant to me. It was financial independence, social independence, parental independence, romantic independence, professional independence…in fact; this independence began to weave itself into self reliance.

While searching for support to understand and take control of this overwhelming transition, I decided to try out this thing called a “life coach”.  And she changed my life. Instead of facing this daunting independence and self reliance alone and overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, I now began to face each piece of my new future with a plan for taking action towards designing my new life.

5. Independence can be taught and learned.

Working with my life coach was the first step towards my “education” in deliberate creation. Having never heard these words, I could not imagine what they meant?  However, my journey began by appreciating, understanding and assuming responsibility for my freedom and independence. It was brilliant!

This “education” has not only allowed me to create the life I lead…a life of joy, happiness, fulfillment and purpose, but to share it with others through the D Spot.

My divorce was the catalyst for massive change in my life, but more than anything, it gave me the motivation to learn how to live an ideal life. And now I get to share this with you!

I know that you must be thinking that I have taking this July 4th, Independence Day thing to an entirely crazy level! And you may be right!

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves taking what has always been an ordinary and common place occurrence, and experiencing it in a whole new way. This is what happened to me this year over the long holiday weekend!

I felt obliged to share it with you in the off chance that you may be having or will have a similar experience.

If you did, I hope you will share it with me so that we can, together, move through the life changing transition of divorce and create our ultimate destiny!!!

Happy belated July 4th!

So, here we are. Last week marked the halfway point of 2011 and what felt like the official start of summer with the long July 4th weekend.

I don’t know about you, but I found myself in a bit of a funk over the holiday weekend this year.

For whatever reason, my weekend had no “mojo”!  And as I took time to sit with my funkiness and reflect on why I was feeling this way, I was once again reminded of the long lasting effect that divorce on our lives.

I spent last Friday in the car driving my youngest son to a lacrosse tournament in Long Island where at the end of the tournament Saturday, my Ex took my son and returned home where he would have my kids for the balance of the weekend.

I tried to stay an extra night in the hopes that I could have a lovely holiday beach day on Sunday, but Mother Nature prevailed and I headed home only to find myself cleaning the house and doing the mundane tasks of laundry, grocery shopping, and errands….mostly feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t have anything “fun” to do!

I am fortunate to be in a relationship with a wonderful man but this was a funk that he didn’t create, nor was capable of or responsible for getting me out of. As he went about doing some of the things he loves (fishing, gardening…), I found myself feeling extremely sad.

Have you ever felt this way?

By Sunday night I had spent some time writing and was beginning to realize exactly what was going on. July 4th, Independence Day, symbolizes not only a weekend of family get-togethers and BBQ’s, but for me, an emphasis on freedom, independence and my right to live the life I imagine and deserve.

This year, with my children as teenagers and only having them half a week, I have been feeling not only their growing independence, but the resulting decrease in time that I see them, coupled with the recognition that the “right” to create my extraordinary life is sometimes daunting and frightening.

Divorce creates a tremendous amount of freedom, but that freedom can feel overwhelming and frightening.

An entire weekend to create fun and fabulous experiences and celebrations, and I had not planned one thing!!!  Well, shame on me!

After my divorce, many of my friendships changed.  Families I once shared holidays with no longer extended invitations to family and holiday get togethers.  My changing social life has required that I open myself up to new friendships and become the iniater of gatherings and celebrations. 

When my children are with me, I am more inspired to create holiday and social plans.   Without them over the July 4th weekend, I suddenly found myself without them or social plans, and I have to admit, I was feeling a bit lonely.  In fact, I was in a absolute FUNK!

Since my divorce, every so often something will trigger that sad, empty and lonely feeling that inevitably causes me to fall into a funk.   I immediately know when I have fallen into the  FUNK,  however happily, I have learned how and know exactly what to do to get myself right out of it!

So, I immediately took action!  I woke up on Monday morning, took a long and wonderful run outside, called a friend so that we could get together and enjoy the sunny day, and then she and I went out for a delicious bloody mary and steamers!

It is all about knowing what to do when we find ourselves in a funk …a funk that can cause us to remain stuck where we are…even paralyzing us from taking action.

Creating “what comes next” is not always easy, but it is ALWAYS in our control!

If you are finding yourself stuck in the sadness and fear, you are not alone.  However, you don’t have to remain there…there are great tools and strategies for pulling yourself right out of it!

If you have been feeling stuck in a funk, I hope you will consider my Summer Coaching Special so that you too can create the life you desire!!!

On Monday, May 23, I woke up, went downstairs to my kitchen and discovered that the inside of my refrigerator was room temperature.

For any of you who have had this experience, it is a huge pain in the ass. Not even 6:00 in the morning, I was already feeling my stress level rising and anxiety setting in. How early could I call the appliance guy? Would I have to purchase a new refrigerator? How much of my food would I lose?

So, I climbed back upstairs to begin my day, first turning on the tv so that I could get the news of the day. When I turned on the news, I learned that a massive tornado had swept through Missouri, leveling a town called Joplin.

My heart sank. The devastation was extraordinary. Thousands of families were now without their homes, having lost everything. And for hundreds, their lives.

In that very moment, I realized that my broken refrigerator, which felt only minutes ago like a “mini disaster” in my life, was now no big deal. In fact, a feeling of complete gratitude swept over me.

On May 23rd I was reminded that how every challenge, obstacle or moment of adversity is experienced by us is dependent upon the lens that we are looking through.

What can one minute look and feel like a monumentous challenge or feeling of anxiety, can only moments later look completely different if we CHOOSE the meaning we apply to it.

Divorce can present numerous challenges and adverse situations. Whether a result of the legal process of divorce, financial challenges, co-parenting issues, or anything else, our ability to move through these experiences will depend on how we choose to frame them.

I recognize that while a broken refrigerator does not have the same emotional response as the challenges that come up around divorce, I know that we have far more to be grateful for than we often allow ourselves to feel. And that we can move through these challenges in way that minimizes our anxiety and pain.

Issues around infidelity, financial inequity, parental alienation and other painful experiences can create so many overwhelming emotions that we have difficulty finding a lens that will allow us to view these experiences with a different perspective.

Here are three tips to help you change your perspective when faced with a challenging situation:

Imagine a situation that could be worse than the one you are experiencing. While this might sound like advice a mother would give a child complaining about being “starving”, it can actually work when faced with adversity that feels overwhelming.  Ask yourself, what is something that would be far worse than the situation you are currently experiencing?

In the case of my refrigerator, turning on the news gave me a scenario that was far worse than what I was experiencing and immediately reframed my own situation.

Tap into gratitude. During the time of my divorce I was not always good at this. However practicing daily gratitude has helped me to improve my skills and become more comfortable tapping into it when facing difficult situations. Take a moment to ask yourself, is there something about this situation that you can feel grateful for?

While the thought of purchasing a new refrigerator was not something that made me happy, I realized how I could get a new one within 24 hours should I have needed to replace it. As it happens, all that was necessary was a part replacement and my worst case scenario didn’t come to pass.

Focus on options that you have rather than the emotions of the situation. When we are faced with a challenge while we are going through or moving forward after a divorce, it is easy to allow our frustration and emotions take over. We are often exhausted and depleted of energy, which lead us to feel emotionally overwhelmed. A helpful question to ask yourself is how can you manage your challenge in the most practical and efficient way to minimize any unpleasant emotions?

Even after I had seen the news of Joplin, I realized that I still had to deal with the refrigerator issue. Instead of focusing on what was going to happen if I had to replace it and all of its contents, I made a list of what I had to do to deal with it. First I had to call the appliance company and ask them to come out as soon as possible. When they could assess the situation and let me know what was wrong, I would the n take the next step.

During times of great transition, as with a divorce, we can experience more moments of challenge than normal. What happens when we run into an adverse situation is that we see it as “one more thing we have to deal with”, rather than a unique, individual moment. Each challenge becomes one of an ongoing series of challenges instead of one, single situation that can be managed with minimal overwhelm.

Remember this, you will never be given more to manage than you can handle!

How wonderful is that!  Once you know that you can and will successfully navigate any challenge that comes your way, it merely becomes a question of energy and endurance!

What is one challenge that you can reframe and manage with ease and grace? W

hat lens will you choose to look through the next time you face a difficult situation?

I look forward to hearing your personal stories!!!