The D Spot

“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.”
― Betty Friedan

The celebration of freedom and independence means something different to each person.  Until my divorce, I had not really given any real thought to what these two words meant to me.  Yes, I took time to appreciate the freedoms that being an American affords me and on July 4^th, would acknowledge these freedoms with family, friends and fabulous fireworks!

Leading up to and through my divorce, these two words, freedom and independence, took on an entirely new meaning for me.  In fact, it was the exploration of what they meant to me that allowed me to begin to understand what I truly wanted my life to look and feel like.

So here is a little bit about what freedom and independence mean to me and the future I am creating.

I strive every day to fully accept and embrace the gift of life that I possess;  The beautiful vessel that is my body and the magic that is my mind.  It is easy to take these gifts for granted and forget to take care of them.  Being independent and free can only be explored when built on the foundation of good health; physically, spiritually and emotionally.

With my mind, my body and my soul, I am able to do, be and create anything that I want; one step at a time.  The only limitations are those that I put on myself which will only happen if I allow fear to drive my direction.

Freedom for me is being free to express who I am and what I want in a way that honors the magnificence of all human beings.  Not only my lover/partner, children, family and friends, but all those with whom I come into contact.  It is taking responsibility for the way I speak to, the way I act towards and the way I treat others.  Our words and actions have the power to hurt or to heal others and this is a responsibility I take seriously.

Freedom for me is giving myself permission to make choices and decisions in my life that feed my mind, body and soul, and that allow me to continuously grow into the woman I am meant to be.  I am grateful for the gift of choice and use it to surround myself with people who inspire, empower and support me to further evolve and grow.  I recognize that in growing my connection to others who appreciate and respect their freedoms, we are able to share and spread them to even more people.

Freedom for me is standing firmly in my role as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, lover, partner and friend.  It is the ability to define these roles around who I am at my core.  This freedom is the gift of being able to step into each of these roles and ROCK each one!  I love each one of them and together, they become the fabric of who I am as a woman!  I can be exactly the mother I want to be by fully embracing the uniqueness that is me, just as I do with my partner, my family and my friends.

For many years in my marriage I did not feel free; nor did I feel independent as a woman.  It would be easy to say that my husband “controlled” our life, but the reality is that I allowed it; in fact I didn’t do much to assert myself and what I wanted.  Blaming would be easier, but it is not the truth.  I gave up my power, my freedom and my independence with my desire to be a “good” wife and mother.  What I did not understand at the time was that in owning my freedom and my independence, I woud become a stronger, healthier and whole woman and therefore, a more exceptional wife and mother.

While there are many things that I can’t control, my ability to be independent and free is well within my control.  This was one of the greatest lessons I learned from my divorce.

Divorce can often lead us to feel less in control than we really are.  In fact, with all of the emotions divorce can create, feeling paralyzed and unable to embrace our new freedom and independence is common.  Reclaiming our personal power and learning how to embrace our new freedom and independence is a critical part of the divorce journey.

This week, where we celebrate our National Independence Day, I hope you will join me in committing to reclaiming your freedom and your independence.  They are gifts that cost nothing, and open the door to priceless rewards.

So this week was the final week of my first ever Are You Ready…for your New Life and Love program and all I have to say is WOW!  What an amazing experience!

One of the things that I love most about what I do is the opportunity to continuously learn and evolve from all of the women that come into my life through my business.  Every email you send me, every conversation we have, and every experience you have teaches me something not only about myself, but also about moving powerfully forward in the creation of life after divorce.

This program allowed me to share five weeks with seven amazing women.  Together we broke through challenges, reconnected with ourselves and designed our new stories.  I was reminded just how powerful it is to come together as magnificent women and support each other in the creation of our ideal lives!  I am truly sad that this first program has come to an end, but I am pumped because I have decided to do it again this fall!!

     Seven women.

     Five Weeks.

     Radical Transformation!!

I wanted to share a little about our experience over the past five weeks because as we all recognized, we are not alone in our journey.  It can feel isolating at times, but once we started talking and sharing our stories, there were commonalities across all of our unique situations.

Your divorce holds the key to unlocking your extraordinary future.

Yes, you heard me correctly.

Through the ending of your marriage and your journey through divorce, you have the ability to learn all that you need to create what you want…IF YOU ALLOW IT!

For so many of us, the exhaustion of the process, the feeling of overwhelm, and the emotions of sadness, grief and anger prevent us from learning what we need to create our new lives.

Instead, we resist.

We defend.

We judge.

We retaliate.

We sabotage.

We do and say many things that in the end, only hurt us.

What was so incredible for me was watching women just like you step out of these limiting behaviors and thoughts, and instead, replace them with MOJO!  With hope.  With brilliant and bold intentions.  With desire.  And with passion.  It was AWESOME!

For those of you who participated in the program and are reading this; THANK YOU!  Thank you for your courage, your inspiration, your magnificence, your depth, your commitment and your energy!  I am a better person for sharing this time with you!

And for all of you…if you are feeling alone, uninspired, unmotivated, sad, angry, overwhelmed, anxious or simply exhausted…know that your new life is right around the corner.  Even if you can’t see it yet.

You are at the beginning.  The beginning of the rest of your life; and it is there ready for you to reclaim it!

I appreciate you indulging me while I brag about the incredible women who shared this time with me.  It was too short…just the tip of the iceberg!

If you are interested in participating in the next Are You Ready?! Program that will take place this fall…just email me at discoverthedspot@gmail.com and I will make sure you get the information as soon as it is ready.

Even more exciting…I am creating an Are You Ready Alumni group so that as you complete the program, you will be able to join the other women in sharing, supporting, and encouraging each other as you move forward!

P.S.  Here are quotes from four of the seven women who participated…I hope you enjoy seeing their transformations as much as I did!

• “I have to say once I started this exercise I felt energized, passionate (gasp!) and alive!  I loved it, couldn’t stop working on it.  Thank you so much for introducing me to this – it feels like I’m on the right track when I’m thinking this way.  It’s so easy to get stuck in the pain of what could have been, the losses you suffer on a daily basis (sharing kids, etc) that your forget how truly amazing your life is & will be.  So, thanks again.  Fantastic!  Can’t wait to work on this some more. “

• “Thanks Laura!!!  Your guidance and posts help me believe I can do this.  Ur program is pretty amazing!”

• “The D Spot has been a huge part of me reclaiming my life and helping me heal and move on with my life.”

• “THANK YOU!  I thought the first session was fabulous and I can’t wait for this process to unfold.”

What is it that keeps us working so hard for the friendships and intimate, love relationship that we so desperately desire?

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of women who are working harder than ever at friendships and relationships that are depleting them of energy, enthusiasm and inspiration.   And yet, despite recognizing that these relationships are exhausting and exasperating, they continue to try harder to do more, be more and say more.

At some point, the exhaustion, frustration and depletion becomes more than they can bear and something momentous happens, changing the relationship forever.

Perhaps it is an affair.  That becomes the catalyst for the ending of a marriage that was not healthy to begin with.

 Perhaps there a fight of epic proportions for which things are said that can never be taken back.

 Or perhaps there is silence.  A silence so great that the hole that is left creates emotions that will take years to heal.

By the time this happens, the wounds are so deep and so painful; they require extreme care to heal.  And usually, the relationship can’t recover from them.

Divorce is often the result of what is not said and done, rather than what is said and done; although many would argue differently.  And by the time a woman comes to me for support, it is hard to get clarity around what she really wants to say…or, wanted to say; wishes she had said.

The same holds true, by the way, for friendships.  There are often parallels between what happens in divorce and what happens in the demise of a close friendship.

Why is this?

Well, if we aren’t saying what we really want and need to say, our partner/friends can’t hear what we really want and need them to hear.

It is not much more complicated than that.

You see, here is the simple truth.  You don’t have to be, do or say anything special to be loved.  Nope.  You just have to be YOU.

Honest you.

Authentic you.

Compassionate you.

Loving you.

Direct you.

Kind you.

Beautiful you.

 YOU…are enough.

You don’t have to buy sexy clothes. You don’t have to prepare fancy meals.  You don’t have to clean your house top to bottom.  Nor do you have to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, your desires or your interests to express your love and devotion.

You…the raw truth of who you are, is perfectly enough. 

Love is meant to be shared, from the inside out.  It is not meant to be earned, bought or judged.  It is simply meant to be felt and shared.

When you find yourself in a relationship or friendship that is causing you to work hard to do, be or say anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are, it is time to come clean.  It is time to say what needs to be said and allow the relationship to grow…or fade.

While this is not an easy thing to do, it is what will lead you to freedom.

Freedom to be the YOU that you are meant to be!

When is the last time you made “shift” happen?

When is the last time you recognized that things might not be going the way that you want them to go and rather than make excuses for why they aren’t or sit back and accept that this is the way your life is supposed to be (the “I am a victim in my own life” approach), instead assume responsibility and take massive action to turn things around?

I don’t mean hoping that tomorrow will be a better day than today or wishing that you had better luck, I mean MASSIVE action?

Let me explain what I mean.

Have you ever ended a relationship only to look back and see all the things that “should have” been red flags that you ignored at the time? And now know that having been unable to “see” the red flags resulted in your staying in a relationship that didn’t serve you far longer than you needed to be.

Has this ever happened to you?

Falling out of flow, or disconnecting from your Power of Intention while you are moving through divorce is a similar experience.

Have you ever find yourself wondering why you are not in the relationship you desire, why you are facing mounting financial challenges, why you are unable to enjoy a fun and sexy social life, or why you avoid taking the steps to living a healthy and fit life?

Or, perhaps you are feeling like things never go your way?

While you may have felt this way when you were in your marriage, many of you may be experiencing these emotions now as you move through or forward after your divorce.  And chances are, you have been slowly disconnecting from your own FLOW for a long time.

Ending a long term relationship or marriage and going through a divorce often disrupts our connection with our FLOW and disconnects us from our Power of Intention.

As I mentioned last week, if you want to read a fabulous book about the Power of Intention, pick up or download Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way. If this entire concept is new to you, I promise that you will enjoy it as a wonderful introduction to taking control of your own destiny!

What I really want to share with you is not just how easy it is to lose sight that the best is yet to come, even if you can’t see it yet, but more importantly, the ways in which you can shift your thinking NOW to help open the door to all that will be as you begin to create your new life!

The following is taken from Dr. Dyer’s book and are four ways of thinking that can prevent you from reaching for and connecting to your Power of Intention and the ways you can SHIFT your thoughts to open to all that can be:

• Thinking about what is missing in your life. To match up with intention, you first have to catch yourself in that moment you’re thinking about what’s missing. Then shift to intention. Not what I find missing in my life, but to what I absolutely intend to manifest and attract into my life – with no doubts, no waffling, and no explaining!
• Thinking about the circumstances of your life. If you don’t like some of the circumstances of your life, by all means don’t think about them. You must train your imagination to shift from what you don’t want to what you do want. All of that mental energy you spend complaining about what is – to anyone who will listen – is a magnet for attracting more of what is into your life.
• Thinking about what has always been. When your inner speech focuses on the way things have always been, you act upon your thoughts of what has always been, and the universal all-creating force continues to deliver what has always been. Make a shift and catch yourself when you’re focusing on what always has been, and move your inner speech to what you intend to manifest.
• Thinking about what “they” want for you. There’s probably a long list of people who have strong ideas about what you should do, how you should be thinking and what you should feel. Practice catching yourself when you have a thought of what others want for you, and ask yourself, Does this expectation match up with my own? Shift your attention away from what other want or expect for you to how you want to live your life.

I hope that this gives you just few tools for making “shift” happen!

You are not meant to be sad, lonely, “un-fun”,angry, resentful, uninterested and closed off.   Take a few minutes to remember who you really are at your core…who you know you are meant to be!

You ARE meant to live a happy, healthy, juicy, sexy, vibrant, exciting, passionate, meaningful, curious and colorful life!  Together we will put these principles and more into practice to turn your new reality into the foundation for your amazing future!

I did it!

As I have already shared with you, the first half of the summer I found myself getting off track and had to refocus, reframe and regroup to get back on track.

For the past two and half weeks, my kid’s have been on a summer vacation with their father.  At first I was a bit emotional about the length of time that they would be away, especially because the three of us had just come off of a few weeks of more than usual conflict and unpleasantness. I never like separating from my kids when we are disconnected and emotionally charged so this was a challenge for me.

However, when I took some time to reflect, I realized that the Universe was granting me the opportunity to relax, reconnect with MYSELF, and process the events of the prior month.

I called each of my children, told them how very much I love them and was sorry that we had experienced such a difficult time, and shared with them that although I would miss them, that the two and a half weeks they would be away would be a great way for us all to regroup and meditate on all that had happened. I made a commitment to them that I would relax and reflect and that when vacation was over, we would sit down and talk about it looking forward not back…and without so much emotion.

So, what did I do you ask?

Well, I did exactly what I told my children (and myself) that I would do. I took these two and a half weeks without them as an opportunity to spend some time on all the areas of my life that need my attention. I took time to regroup, renew and reinvent…basically, to “walk my talk”!

I spent the first week refueling and regrouping. I went to bed early, slept late, caught up with household tasks, read a few books and in all ways simply relaxed!

The second week I devoted myself to catching up with friends, working on my strategic plan for The D Spot (including the awesome fall programs and events I have coming up!), and getting ready for the release of my book, which by the way is happening NOW!

You can now purchase the book directly from my website, http://www.discoverthedspot.com/book.php! The estimated ship date to you is August 20th!!!

I should add that weaved into both weeks, I carved out special time for my wonderful boyfriend and partner so that we could connect emotionally, physically and recreationally. As I move along my own journey after divorce, creating time to share experiences and play together with my intimate partner has become an important priority.

The last few days of these fabulous two and half weeks I spent reflecting on my kids and the relationship that I share with them. Recognizing that they are a little older now, it is apparent that it is time for me to take our relationship to a new, much more transparent level.

As I look back at the turbulence of the early weeks of summer, I realize that there is nothing holding me back from being exactly the mother that want to be and creating exactly the kind of relationship I want with them. Not their father, not lack of time, not lack of resources…only my fear and hesitancy to stand in my truth and set the standard I expect from them. I had fallen prey to my own limiting fears and beliefs, allowing myself to feel like a “victim”.

When we fall into a “victim mentality”, there is very little that will go our way.

It took this time away…time for quiet, reflection and honest communication with myself, to take back my power as a magnificent woman and mother!!

I feel rested, re-energized and re-committed to creating my ideal life as I move towards the last weeks of summer and into the fall.

I hope you join me in taking time over the month of August to reflect, prepare and plan for the fall!

About a year after my divorce, I was fortunate to participate in Tony Robbins’ extraordinary program, Mastery University.  I would have to say that I went into this program reluctantly thinking, “I am not one of those people who needs to be told to think positive thoughts.” I wasn’t looking for motivation and certainly not a self-help guru.

What I really wanted was to figure out where I was going and what would come next. I felt sad, confused and completely overwhelmed by the enormity of the changes from the divorce and had no idea how to move forward.

It was actually my parents and brother who encouraged (actually pushed) me into registering for a “personal development program”. Looking back I think I was just the victim of an intervention!

It was by far the most uncomfortable thing I have ever done. I felt pathetic, scared and unable to understand why I was there. After all, I was fine. I just wanted to move forward and I didn’t need anyone’s help…I knew exactly what I needed to do.

The day I began Mastery University was the day that marked the true beginning of my new life.

The moment the program started, so did my tears. Tears, tears and more tears. I couldn’t imagine where they were all coming from. And as the tears flowed, I found the sadness and anger begin to leave my body. I began to breath, relax and open myself up to what would come next, not knowing at all what that would be.

Sometime over the next few days, we were asked to write about the blessings in our lives. My immediate reaction was that I have my children, my family, my health…beyond that I went blank.

At Tony Robbins events, there are many individuals available to support you through the exercises. One of these coaches saw that I wasn’t writing anymore and stopped to ask me how I was doing. I shared with him that I was recently divorced and trying to figure it all out. That I didn’t feel particularly “blessed”, but rather was grappling with all of the changes going on in my life, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and fear.

He asked me to use the remaining time to complete the sentence, “My divorce is a blessing because….”.

Hmmmm, what on earth was I supposed to do with this?  My divorce as a blessing?????

He told me to just keep writing…not to let my hand stop even if I thought I had nothing more to say. And so I did…and I haven’t stopped since.

Have you ever stopped to think about why or how your divorce is a blessing in your life?

I want to share with you just some of what I wrote that day, and a few of the reasons why my divorce is a blessing:

1.    The divorce journey taught me who I am and what I really want.
2.    I am able to live my truth, every day and in every way.
3.    I have learned to tap into the passion within me.
4.    I reclaimed who I am as a healthy and whole woman.
5.    I reconnected to the magnificence of ME!
6.    I rediscovered my sensuality and sexuality; opening the door to exploring my femininity.
7.    I stepped more fully and powerfully into my role as a mother.
8.    I learned how courageous and resilient I truly am.
9.    I discovered how strong I am.
10.  I became an exceptional communicator.
11.  I now know how to manage conflict and challenge, and have been able to  teach that to my children.
12.  I have deliberately created a new and fabulous life for myself.
13.  I now experience love in an entirely new, deep and amazing way.
14.  I found my life purpose.
15.  I took responsibility for who I am, good and bad, and learned how to become the person that I want to attract into my life.
16.  I learned how to forgive.
17.  I found grace, compassion and integrity.
18.  I discovered the power of choice.
19.  I no longer allow my emotions to control my words, actions and behavior.
20.  I took control of my destiny.
21.  I rediscovered joy and playfulness.
22.  I trust myself.
23.  I love myself.
24.  I believe in myself.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

This is only the beginning of my list of blessings…I add to them all the time. This exercise has become my daily practice of gratitude…for all that I have and all that I am.

If you have not taken time to reflect on the blessings of your divorce, I hope you will take a few minutes to begin your list. Write even if you feel like you have nothing to say.

And if you are having difficulty in finding the blessings of this most significant transition, give me a call…we can do it together!

I would love to hear from you and have you share your list of blessings!

I have a new friend.  Her name is Monique Honaman and we are absolutely “soul sisters”!  I came upon Monique while I was doing research for my second book which I am having a fantastic time writing! (Stay tuned for more information!!).  After connecting with her on the phone and yet again, feeling like we could talk for hours, she graciously sent me a copy of her new book, “The High Road Has Less Traffic:  honest advice on the path through love and divorce” .  It is fantastic!

I asked Monique if she would be willing to share a little about herself with us and so today I am excited to introduce her to you through this wonderful post about her journey through divorce.  I highly recommend her book as yet another tool in your toolbox of divorce support!!

From Monique:

I’m currently attending a conference in Las Vegas with over 3000 other women. The conference has absolutely nothing to do with divorce, or marriage, or relationships.  It has everything to do with women business owners … smart, motivated, capable, gutsy, risk-taking women who at some point in their lives took an idea and ran with it … and today are women presidents in charge of their own destiny!  It’s ‘girl power’ at its most basic element!

 Like any great women in business conference, there is a ton of time devoted to networking … and like a great group of women go-getters who have never met a stranger … the conversations quickly turn from summarizing our professional lives, and turn to sharing our personal stories.

As soon as I mention that I love to write and recently published a book, “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” I immediately find myself in conversations that I shouldn’t be surprised by anymore. As soon as I mention that my book is based on life lessons learned during my own divorce, I hear all about their divorces as well. It shouldn’t surprise me that many of the women I am meeting are in second marriages. I shouldn’t surprise me that many women joke about having had a ‘starter husband’ as divorce has become so commonplace in our society. It shouldn’t surprise me that these women are full of joy, confidence and happiness having survived, and thrived, through one of life’s toughest emotional battles!

The common theme I am hearing is one which I have been known to say in reflecting back on my own divorce: “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but in hindsight, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”  Divorce is ugly; it’s hateful; it’s painful; it’s rejection at it’s most basic form; it breaks families apart; it takes marriage vows and tears them to shreds; it reduces essentially good people to become people with low moral standards and values.   So how can this horrible thing become something which so many of these wonderful women reflect back on as ‘the best thing that ever happened’ to them?

The common theme I saw was that these women ‘took the high road’ and as painful and hurtful as their divorces were, they were determined to not get stuck in a pity party, looking backwards saying ‘what if’ and ‘if only,’ and instead chose to march forward to determine what adventures lay on the horizon.  These women all chose to let go of all the anger and bitterness which divorce naturally creates, and instead chose to take on a positive attitude. They chose to cast aside blame and hate, find forgiveness, even find some humor in the situation, and decide that forward momentum was the only way to go. All of this behavior characterizes ‘taking the high road’ and I’ve determined this factor alone is the deciding factor in women who survive divorce versus those who thrive after divorce and move on.

I love that feeling, that energy and that edge when you get a group of powerful women together.  There’s a sense that we are invincible and while we will encounter obstacles (life happens, right?), that we will be able to overcome, persevere, and turn lemons into lemonade.   It’s funny the conversations you get into at a women’s business conference. I love that we are open enough to share our personal stories with strangers at a professional venue. We aren’t alone in handling the bumps of life. Many others have been through this before us and sharing our stories, helping others to move forward, is what girl power is all about!

Monique Honaman is the author of “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” available on Amazon.com or at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com.  Monique has survived and thrived and has made it her purpose to encourage others to take the high road where there is always less traffic! She can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com;  Twitter: @highroadthebook; Facebook:  www.Facebook.com/highroadlesstraffic.

I decided to write this to you on June 21, the longest day of the year…the summer solstice! It also happens to be the day of my son’s 8th grade graduation!

I watched as he stood to be recognized and was surprised at just how emotional I got.

He is my youngest child, and as I saw he and his friends celebrating their conclusion of middle school, I couldn’t help but feel the days, weeks, months and years slipping by so very quickly.

Where has the time gone?

It has been almost 7 years since my divorce and at moments, the pain is still as great as it was when it first happened. As I sat in the sea of parents during the graduation ceremony, I was again reminded of how I never imagined that I would get divorced when I walked down the aisle at my wedding so many years ago.

It is in these moments, or milestones, that I feel the loss of what was….what could have been….what was “supposed” to be.

And yet, even with these emotions that surface every now and again, I am also aware of how my divorce was, in the end, a blessing.

My relationship with my ex-husband was not ideal for me. And it was not exceptional. In fact, my divorce allowed me to find the inner joy and happiness that I so desperately sought while I was married.

No, I never wanted a divorce…who does? But it was the best thing for me, as a woman.

There is both sadness and nostalgia at every event that celebrates our children, because there is no one else that will feel the same depth of emotion about them other than me except their father. It is that bond as their parents that will always be there.

But, after shedding a few tears and allowing the moment to pass, I realized that I am incredibly happy in my new life. I love my relationship with my children. I love that I have created a life around all that I am and all that I want to be. I could not do that while in my marriage.

So, another milestone goes by and I now have both of my children in high school. It won’t be long until they are heading off to college, to begin their own exceptional lives.

And while I wish I could slow down time…I also know that these next few years with them will be full of growth for all of us, and it is exciting! It is my job to model for them what it means to live a life of joy and fulfillment, deliberately creating exactly what you want. To do that, I again re-commit myself to being a happy, whole and healthy woman and mother.

For those of you who have enjoyed graduations, moving up ceremonies and other milestones for your children this spring, CONGRATULATIONS! And, I hope you know that it is normal and appropriate to feel a mixed bag of emotions….for that is the real deal of divorce!

Embrace all of them, and join me in re-committing to taking care of YOU so that you can be the best possible woman and mother you can be!!!

Shared custody.

This sounded fair at the time, especially because I respect and encourage a strong and healthy relationship between my two boys and their father and believe that shared custody is in the best interests of all children wherever possible.

However knowing that it is “fair” and that it is the custody arrangement that is in the best interest of my children meant nothing when it was time for them to go to their father’s for the first time.  I watched them go knowing that I would not see them again for four days.  As they pulled out of the driveway the tears began to fall.

Four days.  Four days without my children.  How was I going to bear the lonliness of it? I was overwhelmed with the loss of what I had always wanted, to be a mother 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  Now what?

I made it through the first week…barely, and then the second.  Each week became a little easier as I started filling up my time with friends, meetings, appointments, errands and anything that I could do to make the empty feeling go away.

Well that was almost 7 years ago.  And over time I have come to (dare I say) enjoy having a bit of free time to reconnect to myself,  enjoy new relationships, spend time with friends and work on my business without it taking away from time with my children.

Sharing your children with your Ex is something that is part of divorce.  But you never get used to it.

You never get used to going to sleep at night knowing that your children’s beds are empty in their rooms.  You never get used to missing the opportunity to take care of them when they are sick in the middle of the night.  You never get used to going entire days without seeing or speaking to them.

I have come to feel GRATEFUL for the invention of texting technology. Yes, I said it.  Texting.  While my oldest son is now driving and I am scared to death of the texting while driving statistics, I am still grateful for the technology that allows me to communicate with them anytime, day or night.

If you have teenagers, you realize that they only want to talk with you and hang out with you when it is convenient for them and they are interested, which is not often.  Because divorce often includes shared custody, this already small amount of time they are interested in talking to you is made even less by having them only part the week.

When they were small, I would only be able to speak to them on the phone when they were with their father if the timing worked out, otherwise I could go a few days without seeing or speaking to them.  And I missed my children terribly.

With cell phone technology and the invention of texting, the game changed.  Yes I call them whenever I want to hear their voices, but again, teenagers only answer the phone when they want to.  They, too, screen their calls and mom doesn’t always make the list.  However,  I have come to learn that they always read their text messages!

So now I get to say “Good morning, have a great day today!” every morning.  And I get to send them goodnight wishes and kisses every night.  I even send them random, “I love you” texts during the day when I am feeling the ache of missing them.

The truth is that they don’t always text me back. Sometimes they are in the mood to talk and call me back instead of texting.   But I know that they always read my text messages.   And they know that I am thinking about them and loving them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

And while it is not a substitute for seeing them, it allows me to share my love, support, humor, and often pertinent information with them directly and often.

We don’t need permission to connect to our children.  We don’t need to have custody of our children every day to connect to them.   All we need to do is love them and let them know it, any way we can.

Oh, and the answer to the question?  NO.  You never get used to sharing your children, not even with your Ex.  But, the joy of technology means that there are more and more ways to connect with them while you are apart.

If  you have found creative ways of connecting with your children when they are with your Ex, I welcome and encourage you to share them with us!

Spending time over last weekend with a group of women all with the desire to write a book and supporting each other to share their gifts and talents with the world, got me thinking about who I choose to surround myself with on a daily basis.

I have always enjoyed being part of a community.

And, it started early for me.

I grew up in a wonderful neighborhood and in particular, lived on a street where in the house next door, across the street and further down the street lived kids exactly the same ages as my brother and I.

We were a “pack” and spent endless hours playing outside together.  Us “girls” formed a secret club where we spent our time making secret handbooks and holding secret meetings.  It was a special group and we remain in touch even today.

As I grew older I continued to find myself part of all kinds of communities.

Eventually all of us on the street grew into our own passions and activities, spending less and less time together as a “pack”.  However, soon after I found myself part of a talented group of girls, my ballet performance troupe, and it was in this incredible community that I spent most of my youth.

Through high school, and college, my interests, areas of study and roommates provided me with safe, welcoming and comfortable communities.  Being part of something, belonging, allowed me to enjoy my life.

When I got married, I moved back to my hometown, where although comfortable having grown up there, I didn’t really know anyone living there as an adult.   So, I immediately got involved in my Synagogue and Jewish community.  My ex-husband is an avid golfer and we found ourselves joining the country club where we did much of our socializing.  When my children were born, it was easy to connect to communities.  There were all of the parent communities…pre-school, elementary school, athletics….it was easy to connect around these shared experiences.  I even had a book club with a bunch of moms from my kids’ elementary school.

But then came my divorce.

And I no longer seemed to fit into these communities anymore.

And the people vanished.

They didn’t call anymore.  Invitations to social and special events stopped altogether.  I felt like I was no longer welcome.

But, where did they go?

I was still a member of the synagogue.

My kids still went to the same schools.

I still shuttled my kids around to all of their activities and sports.

And I still liked to read.

Yet everything was different.  I felt completely alone and isolated from any kind of community.  I felt like I didn’t “belong” anywhere anymore.

Have you ever felt this way?

I hated feeling isolated and alone.  I am a person who thrives on relationships and community and now all my relationships were changing and I no longer fit in where I once did.

What I learned is that divorce, unlike death,  job loss, or parenting issues, does not build or invite community, rather it can break it down.  We come together in support of someone dealing with the death of a loved one, we surround people who have lost their jobs with support and we reach out to comfort parents who are dealing with difficult parenting issues.

But where is the community when we announce that our marriage is ending?

This loss of belonging is one of the major reasons that I started the D Spot…to create a community of women who all have the shared experience of divorce, whatever stage they are in.

Looking back I realize that I truly didn’t belong in some of those communities and although at the time I mourned their loss, I am grateful to have been set free to create new, empowering and supportive communities  for myself.

Surrounding myself with groups of friends, family and colleagues that are founded on consistent, honest and authentic relationships is critical to my journey as a woman.

I love the many and varied communities that I am a part of.  They each and all nurture me in different ways.  Some are personal and some are professional.  And because of them all, I know that I am never alone.

What communities are you a part of that no longer serve you?

Do you open yourself to opportunities to create or join new communities?