The D Spot

Recently I have been asked, by more than one media outlet, to speak on the subject of what I believe the single most important piece of advice is that I would give to anyone who is thinking about, going through or moving forward after divorce.

As you might imagine, this is a loaded question and one for which I seem to have trouble answering.  There are many words of guidance that I would give anyone who is facing or has experienced the transition of divorce.

As I sit at my desk (as I am doing right now), I am once again reflecting on this question…what IS the most important piece of advice I would give?

You are in this with me so I ask you! What is the one thing you need more than anything else; the one thing that would change your life right now?

Is it money?
Is it a more effective way to communicate?
Is it a job?
Is it new love?
Is it a “life roadmap”?
Is it courage?  Is it confidence?

 Or perhaps, it is a combination of all of the above?

Like you, I continue to move forward designing my new life after divorce; and to be completely honest, I have had a challenging couple of days.  So, today I could use more effective techniques for communicating with my teenage son, a few new strategies for managing a long distance relationship and perhaps a few helpful hints on re-energizing when you have limited time available.

I guess what I really need is information; information from someone who is an expert in these issues.  Or in other words, really good support.

I have a lot of friends and family that love me, and who would be happy to share their thoughts and opinions with me.  After all, I know that they want me to be happy.

But that is not what I know I need.  I need someone who doesn’t just love me (although loving me would be nice!!), but someone who can give me the tools and resources I need and who is skilled at supporting me create a plan for addressing my most pressing issues, the ones that make me feel sad, overwhelmed and anxious.  I’m not a person who wants to waste a lot of time, I am ready to take action!

The good news for me is that I surround myself with experts in all different areas of personal development and most importantly, I am not afraid to ask for help, or support.

So, that’s it, the #1 thing that you need, and by the way, deserve!   Getting information and really good support is the THE single most important piece of advice that I can give to you and anyone else who wants to create new life after divorce.

It may be that you need money, a job, new love, parenting wisdom….but regardless of what you need, it comes down to asking for and getting support; support from someone who has the skills, the training, the information and the talent to move you forward and create a plan for eliminating the sadness, paralysis and overwhelm that you feel.

And while I recognize that asking for support may feel uncomfortable and maybe even “weak”, it is the strongest, wisest and most loving thing you can do for yourself.

Trust me, I am right here with you.  In fact, I must go right now and make a few calls myself!

Most people regard divorce as a major step, not to be undertaken lightly. No surprise there. But here’s where it gets interesting; usually, the people most hurt by the marriage, throughout the marriage, have the greatest difficulty in letting go.

Why should that be?

You’d think – wouldn’t you? – that the more criticism, humiliation and ill treatment someone receives from their partner, the faster they would call time on their marriage. You’d think they’d skip all the way to their lawyer’s office… You’d think, once the divorce was over, they’d just ‘wash that man right out of their hair. End of story.

Sadly, it doesn’t work like that.

Instead, something very strange happens. The worse the treatment was, the more likely the ill treated spouse is to become a ‘hopium addict’. This happens because of a curious, and insufficiently understood mechanism: if someone is prepared to hang around in the marriage and excuse a partner’s bad behavior, they quickly fall prey to hopium addiction.

Hopium addiction – as the name suggests – can be a very hard habit to break

From the outside, it just doesn’t make sense. You’d think someone would be able to see when their partner has stopped caring about their feelings, and their ultimate well being.

You’d expect logic to kick in, and point out to them that their partner has set the relationship on a downward spiral, which simply gathers momentum, with each hurtful episode. You’d expect them to realize that direction isn’t going to change simply because they want it to.

You’d imagine they would compare the enemy they live with, with the lover they married, and get the message that the good times are over.

But, all too often, they don’t.

Instead, they wait for Mr. or Ms. Nasty to ‘flip’ back into the person who was on their best behavior just long enough to woo and wed them. They make endless excuses for the hostile behavior, and they fantasize –endlessly – about having superpowers to, singlehandedly, stop the relationship hurtling towards disaster… Even divorce may not be enough to end their enmeshment with an abusive partner.

Why, oh why do they do it?

Why don’t they see sense?

Remember the saying: “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of” (Blaise Pascal)?

They’d call it love, of course. The truth is far more complicated than that. There’s a lot of anger, and dislike, even loathing that they feel for the spouse they can’t bear to let go of.

Reasons they can’t move on include:

Fear of failure: they tell themselves that since the marriage ended they’ve failed, and the World will see them as failures. Marriage is always a “two-hander”. One partner cannot bear sole responsibility for making the marriage work – however much the other partner projects blame and fault. The World is not privy to what actually happened in the relationship, and the World doesn’t really care. If you had the right to choose your view of the world – and you do have that right – you could divide it into Those Who Judge, and Those Who Care. Which group would you rather associate with, and give credence to? The marriage failed. Actually, you didn’t. Getting out is the only positive, successful thing you could do.

Fear of spending the rest of their life unloved and alone: Obviously, they have yet to realize they will never feel more unloved and alone than they do in a destructive marriage. They have yet to admit to themselves just how desperately unhappy they have been in their marriage. A bad marriage is a prison sentence. Once that marriage ends, the prison door is ajar, but you still have to push it open wide, and walk out, before you can enjoy the sunshine and smell the roses.

Failure to envision a better future: their unhappiness and hopium addiction have put blinders on them. As a result, they have forgotten how to dream. They’ve even forgotten that dreams are free. The ‘future’ they think they see is simply the misery of the past projected forward into infinity. In fact, once they put themselves out of the misery of the relationship, and clear the Misery Mind-set from their head – which is, actually, very doable, given the right help – Life can only get better. And they will find they have a capacity for enjoyment that may well AMAZE them.

“Axe phobia” : “Axe phobia” is the sense of paralyzing foreboding that occurs when you feel you are living with a axe suspended over your head, hanging by a thread. The fear is that if you take action, any action, it will be enough to break that thread, causing the axe to fall straight onto your head.

It’s much more helpful to acknowledge “axe phobia” and react by asking yourself some much better questions like:

• Do I know for a fact that the disaster I fear will happen?
• If I chose to overlook the disaster scenario, what lessons for the future might I learn from this relationship experience?
• What else might my foreboding anxiety mean?

You only have to ask yourself intelligent questions, instead of mindlessly listening to the old doom-and-gloom soundtrack in your head, to arrive at far useful thoughts, and conclusions.

If you’re struggling to let go of a bad marriage cut yourself some slack. It’s perfectly human – and usual, in the circumstances – to feel the way you do. Just bear in mind that doesn’t make your fears and anxieties true. Your fears for the future are simply past experience projected onto the empty screen of the future. Why not choose what you project, and start to project scenarios that will give you more pleasure – and inspire you to create a better life for yourself?

International speaker and writer, Annie Kaszina is rapidly becoming the voice of women who have been in emotionally abusive relationships. Annie helps women to stop treating themselves as second class citizens and settling for abusive relationships, so they can raise their expectations and self-worth, enjoy the happiness they deserve, and create a wonderful relationship with a quality partner. Over the last 10 years, Annie has enabled many hundreds of women to heal from the trauma of Emotional Abuse. If you’re struggling to get over the damage of an emotionally abusive marriage, Annie Kaszina can help. You can find out more here: http://RecoverFromEmotionalAbuse.com, or claim your free copy of: “The Secret Dictionary of Abusive Men” here: http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/go/

Happy belated July 4th!

So, here we are. Last week marked the halfway point of 2011 and what felt like the official start of summer with the long July 4th weekend.

I don’t know about you, but I found myself in a bit of a funk over the holiday weekend this year.

For whatever reason, my weekend had no “mojo”!  And as I took time to sit with my funkiness and reflect on why I was feeling this way, I was once again reminded of the long lasting effect that divorce on our lives.

I spent last Friday in the car driving my youngest son to a lacrosse tournament in Long Island where at the end of the tournament Saturday, my Ex took my son and returned home where he would have my kids for the balance of the weekend.

I tried to stay an extra night in the hopes that I could have a lovely holiday beach day on Sunday, but Mother Nature prevailed and I headed home only to find myself cleaning the house and doing the mundane tasks of laundry, grocery shopping, and errands….mostly feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t have anything “fun” to do!

I am fortunate to be in a relationship with a wonderful man but this was a funk that he didn’t create, nor was capable of or responsible for getting me out of. As he went about doing some of the things he loves (fishing, gardening…), I found myself feeling extremely sad.

Have you ever felt this way?

By Sunday night I had spent some time writing and was beginning to realize exactly what was going on. July 4th, Independence Day, symbolizes not only a weekend of family get-togethers and BBQ’s, but for me, an emphasis on freedom, independence and my right to live the life I imagine and deserve.

This year, with my children as teenagers and only having them half a week, I have been feeling not only their growing independence, but the resulting decrease in time that I see them, coupled with the recognition that the “right” to create my extraordinary life is sometimes daunting and frightening.

Divorce creates a tremendous amount of freedom, but that freedom can feel overwhelming and frightening.

An entire weekend to create fun and fabulous experiences and celebrations, and I had not planned one thing!!!  Well, shame on me!

After my divorce, many of my friendships changed.  Families I once shared holidays with no longer extended invitations to family and holiday get togethers.  My changing social life has required that I open myself up to new friendships and become the iniater of gatherings and celebrations. 

When my children are with me, I am more inspired to create holiday and social plans.   Without them over the July 4th weekend, I suddenly found myself without them or social plans, and I have to admit, I was feeling a bit lonely.  In fact, I was in a absolute FUNK!

Since my divorce, every so often something will trigger that sad, empty and lonely feeling that inevitably causes me to fall into a funk.   I immediately know when I have fallen into the  FUNK,  however happily, I have learned how and know exactly what to do to get myself right out of it!

So, I immediately took action!  I woke up on Monday morning, took a long and wonderful run outside, called a friend so that we could get together and enjoy the sunny day, and then she and I went out for a delicious bloody mary and steamers!

It is all about knowing what to do when we find ourselves in a funk …a funk that can cause us to remain stuck where we are…even paralyzing us from taking action.

Creating “what comes next” is not always easy, but it is ALWAYS in our control!

If you are finding yourself stuck in the sadness and fear, you are not alone.  However, you don’t have to remain there…there are great tools and strategies for pulling yourself right out of it!

If you have been feeling stuck in a funk, I hope you will consider my Summer Coaching Special so that you too can create the life you desire!!!