The D Spot

For a while now I have been writing for the Huffington Post which is a lot of fun, but also fascinating.  The Huff is one of the most highly read online publications and therefore offers a huge and diverse audience with whom I can share my thoughts.

One of the things that I have found through all of the comments to my posts, is that there seems to be a feeling by many that the individual who initiates a divorce is somehow both selfishly giving up on their marriage and will also enjoy a far easier time moving forward than the person who was “left”.

Not only do I not agree with this “myth”, but I feel obligated to share my thoughts on these positions, both as someone who initiated my divorce but as a Divorce Expert and Coach as well.

So, let me be clear about how I feel.

No one walks down the aisle at their wedding hoping that they will one day be divorced.  In other words, no one “wants” divorce.

As you already know, divorce is one of those decisions that is incredibly difficult to make and more often than not, takes courage, strength and tremendous work to manage.

For me personally, my decision to divorce did not happen overnight as a means of avoiding the hard work of making marriage work.  While most of the people in my life; friends, family and community, first became aware of my marital discontent when we shared our decision to divorce publicly, in fact what they did not know, was the almost four years of counseling, therapy and hard work that we put into trying to make our marriage work.

It was a decision that took years to make and was for us…for me, a last resort.  Despite my divorce and my passion for being a Divorce Expert and Coach, I believe in and advocate for strong, healthy and long term relationships and marriage.  My parents are happily married for 47 years and I wanted more than anything in my life to have created and enjoyed the same beautiful and extraordinary long term marriage.

Unfortunately, many of us made the decision to marry when we were young and uneducated as to what we really wanted and needed in an ideal relationship.  It is not that I don’t believe in the importance of and commitment involved in creating a wonderful marriage, but rather, my Ex-husband and I were simply not a good fit.  Both my Ex-husband and I made the decision to marry for what we thought were the “right” reasons and by using what we thought were the “right” criteria.  However, looking back, neither one of us was a good fit for the other; we both made a decision that couldn’t work because of who we are at our core.

Making the decision to end our marriage, a commitment we both took seriously, was incredibly difficult and painful, for both of us.

There are so many reasons why individuals or couples decide to end their marriages.  Perhaps there is abuse (verbal or physical), infidelity, or just plain unhappiness.  No matter what the reason, it is never as simple as it seems.  Underneath all of these reasons is a far more complicated situation than anyone, including the individuals in the marriage, often understands.  That is where someone like me, a Divorce Expert, Coach or therapist, can help to understand what is really going on and move through the transition with honesty, integrity and clarity.

We all deserve to be part of a relationship that is extraordinary and getting divorced does not in any way mean that a person is not capable of or doesn’t value the commitment to a long term relationship or marriage.

As a matter of fact, it is no easier for the “initiator” to move forward after divorce and create a new and extraordinary life, than it is for the spouse that didn’t initiate.

Divorce is a significant transition that affects almost every area of an individual’s life.  Whether a person was the one to first utter the words, “I want a divorce” or not, the transition is equally challenging.

There are always reasons why a marriage ends.  And while the emotional stress and anxiety can be excessive, focusing on the assumption of blame will not in any way pave the way for either person to move forward.  Rather, it will make the situation more difficult for both individuals and any children involved.  The best strategy for moving forward it to focus on understanding and accepting the situation, and use that as the foundation upon which a new life will be built.

I recognize that it is easier said than done, but I have never found a situation where both individuals did not contribute in one way or another to the demise of the marriage, whether they were the one to initiate divorce or not.

I was the one to initiate, and yet I realize that I also contributed to it not succeeding.  I take this accountability seriously and despite the sadness of having made the decision and feeling like a failure, I have made a commitment to do whatever it takes to learn from that experience and prepare myself for new effortless, extraordinary love.

Here’s the real deal.  Walking down an aisle, wearing a wedding band, and simply living together for decades does not alone make a marriage succeed.   Nor does it “earn” either spouse the obligation to stay in a situation that is unhealthy or unhappy.  What it does mean is that there is work, commitment and a discipline involved in creating an extraordinary relationship that can withstand the test of time.  And even after divorce, that relationship is out there waiting for you!

Every situation is unique, and my experience personally and professionally has proved that each marriage and divorce poses its own complexities.  But the notion that either person moving through and forward after divorce has it easier or harder than the other, is simply not true…even if it seems that way from the outside.

What I have learned is that divorce can create a strange mixture of sadness, loss, fear, anxiety, liberation, freedom, courage and self-sufficiency…among a host of other emotions.  It is a profound and complex journey that requires less judgment and more support for all of the individuals experiencing it.

So, I feel better now that I have clarified myself.

This has been my longwinded way of saying that each of you has a situation that is unique, and that you are moving though it with grace.  And no matter what your situation is, I know that it has had moments of challenge, moments of joy, and moments of fear…and that none of us “chose” divorce be a part of our lives.

I applaud you for taking the big step of getting support through the D Spot community….I am delighted that you are here and know that you will have the magnificent future you desire and deserve.

Over Thanksgiving weekend I read a book that I have been wanting to read for a long time.  Called The Last Lecture, this book is a recounting of the final lecture presented by computer science professor Randy Pausch as part of a lecture series at the Carnegie Mellon University.  Randy’s lecture was titled “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”, and although he talked about exactly this, it was far more than that.

Before reading the book, I knew very little about Randy Pausch other than the fact that he had delivered an extraordinary speech before his untimely death at a young age leaving behind his beloved wife and three small children.

It was an easy read and yet, even after reading as many books on personal growth and intentional, positive living as I have, he shared a number of wonderful lessons that I have been thinking about ever since.

The one that resonates the most with me is about perseverance and determination, and yet, is remarkably simple at the same time.  Essentially, nothing that you or I haven’t heard before, but for whatever reason, his presentation of it reinforced my own sense of responsibility and personal power.

Randy says, “Brick walls are there for a reason.  They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

BAM!  What a simple and powerful statement!!

While reading this, I was reminded of just how persistent we must be when we really, truly want something for ourselves.  So often when we come up against our own brick walls, we retreat in fear, frustration or fury.  Instead of remaining committed to our goal and increasing our efforts to reach it, we view the obstacle as too big to overcome, to exhausting to deal with or too much to handle.  You know what I am talking about?

These brick walls are given to us for a reason, and provide us with an opportunity not only to grow, but to review and revise our strategy for moving forward.  It is all in the way that we view them and how we choose to respond to them.

Despite my best attempts, I too find myself occasionally giving up way to quickly and feeling frustrated at experiencing yet another roadblock.    Or, worse, taking the “low and easy road” when responding and making the situation even worse for myself.   Has this ever happened to you?

When going through and moving forward after divorce it can feel like you come up against one brick wall after the other and therefore the challenges also feel insurmountable and your dreams, vision and goals unachievable.   But it is not true!  It is only the lens through which you are looking…a lens that reflects your temporary exhaustion, sadness, fear and frustration!

Randy, through his last lecture, shares with us the gifts that our brick walls have to give.  That they are there to inspire us, to raise our bar and fight through our fears as we push forward and go out and get what we want.  His words are written so that his children will know who he is.  So that they will understand his character and the values that he holds dear.  At the same time that he helps us to reframe how we face our brick walls, he reminds us that our even greater obligation is to remember that we are modeling for and teaching our children and those we love.  How we move forward sets the standard for our children and informs their values.   How we live our life is the legacy we leave our children, our families and our community.

His message is powerful.

Randy’s book reignited a passion in me to focus on my dreams and commit to doing whatever it takes to achieve them.

Whatever your latest challenge, it will not be the last brick wall that you will be faced with.   I hope that now, when it does come, you will choose to view it as an opportunity.  And that you will not only get clear on exactly what you do want, but accept the challenge as a way for you to prove just how badly you want it!

As you embrace your brick walls, please share them so that we can all celebrate your courage, strength and perseverance!

How you do anything is how you do everything.

I heard this the first time from my friend, colleague and mentor, Kellie Kuecha.  Kellie is a master of business branding and identity and in supporting individuals to OWN their worlds.

Take a moment to read this sentence again, and fully absorb the meaning in these words, for they are the truest I have found.

How you do anything is how you do everything.

How you handle and manage any situation, challenge or experience in your life is how you probably handle all of them.

Upon first hearing this I took a bit of time to reflect on it because it speaks fully to how I live my life…today.   But it wasn’t always this way.

As I took time to look back on my life and especially my marriage, I realize that this statement was true even then, though I hadn’t fully realized its implications.

I may not have understood then but I understand now that each and every action I take, word I speak and decision I make contributes to the creation of the life I choose to live.

Let me give you an example.

Immediately following my divorce, I, like most parents who get divorced, made a commitment to doing whatever I could to ensure that my children would be okay.  I wanted to make sure that I made decisions that were in their best interest and that I considered their well being every step of the way.  And so, from that moment on, I had to think long and hard every time I would interact with my Ex husband.

Divorce does not come without its many challenges, including the complexities around co-parenting.  My Ex and I, while we both love our children, do not always get along. In fact, there are many things he does and says that infuriate me.  Over these years (and I am sure into the future) he has, and will, give me many reasons to be hostile and angry.

Because I take this phrase, how I do anything is how I do everything, so seriously, I have had on many occasions had to bite my tongue, shed tears out of frustration and fury, and take the high road by deliberately choosing how I would handle the situation so that I can do what I committed to do; live my life in a way that puts the interests of my children first.

In those moments of frustration and fury, it would be easy to over react or indulge in the emotion of the moment, but then I am reminded; if I do that, it would mean that this is how I handle all things, and I have set a much higher standard for myself.

My divorce forced me to do a complete life assessment.  Why wasn’t I happy?  What had I done wrong in my marriage?  What did I want my life to look, and feel like?

Believe it or not, I am not and was not a “woo woo” kind of girl.  I tend towards being a skeptic and often times, especially back then, fell into the “victim” mentality.  I believed that there were a million reasons why I couldn’t have the life I wanted.

But I was wrong.

As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until this little phrase entered my world, that I really began to understand how I was going to move forward towards creating a new life for myself.  It was going to be one action at a time. One “taking the high road moment” at a time.  One carefully chosen word at a time.

Because how you do anything is how you do everything, it is important to be honest about how you do the “anything”.

For example, how do you perform at work?  What are you friendships like?  How to you approach a challenge?

If you are late with deadlines at work and do not pay close attention to detail, then the chances are that these characteristics can be seen in your personal life and relationships as well.  If you often find yourself having conflict with friends and family members, you will probably find that there is conflict in the other areas of your life too.

This is a particularly important phrase to consider when women (and men for that matter) begin dating again after divorce.  The patterns of behavior and characteristics that can be seen in all areas of your life will reliably present themselves when beginning new relationships as well.  You may be looking for something radically different than the relationship you had with your Ex, but if you don’t do the hard and humbling inner work after your divorce, you will probably attract the same kind of relationship that you had before.

So let me ask you this, do you fully understand how you do “anything”?  And, if you aren’t fully satisfied with your “anything”, perhaps now is the time to break old patterns and set a new standard.

Since the Debt Ceiling Debate a week ago, there has been nothing short of scary, unpleasant, negative and downright disempowering news everywhere you turn.

Would you agree?

I have to say, if I were one to listen to all of the reasons why the economy is in trouble, why we could be falling into a deeper recession, why it will be more difficult to find work, make money and stay afloat…YIKES! I would probably sit home under the covers and believe that this is as good as it’s going to get.

What a horrible scenario.

Well, here is the good news! I DON’T have to listen!

You heard me correctly, I don’t have to listen. And neither do you.

I don’t have to listen to either party explain why their plan is better than the “other guy’s”. I don’t have to listen to the doom and gloom predictions about the job market and economy. I don’t have to listen to how much more it is going to cost me in tax increases or how many benefits I am going to lose over my lifetime.

What I choose to listen to is up to me! It is my choice….just like it is yours.

I recognize that I am in control of what comes next. I am in control of my financial future. I am in control of where I want to live, how I want to live and the quality of the relationships that I create in my life.

I hear it time and time again:

I can’t because…
There’s no way that I can…
It’s just not possible…
You don’t understand…

So many of us tend to lead with the many reasons why we “can’t” do, be or create what we want, we have sabotaged ourselves before we even begin!

Just because the unemployment rate is up and the job market is down doesn’t mean that you can’t or won’t get a job. Just because someone says that you are too “picky” to find your ideal partner doesn’t mean that you won’t meet a fabulous mate!

Just because someone said it doesn’t make it true!!

You don’t have to listen to all of the voices giving you messages that take your focus off of what you want your life to look like!

It may be your mother;
Your Ex
Your best friend;
The guy you’re dating;
Your boss;
Your sister…
You don’t have to listen!

The journey through divorce can open up the door to all kinds of disempowering and negative voices and messages.  Mainly because there are so many emotions involved and in contentious divorces, there can be “scare” tactics that involve painting unpleasant scenarios that are meant to not only provoke decisions that are not well thought out, but project a disempowered future.

Here are three tips for choosing whether to listen….or not:

If you can’t control it, don’t waste your energy and attention focusing on it. 

The Debt Ceiling Debate is a perfect example. With the exception of calling your local politicians during the past two weeks, there was almost nothing that you or I could do about the negotiations at the White House. Rather than consume your time, energy and attention on it, your focus is better spent on working towards creating your new and wonderful life!

If you have a disempowering thought, ask yourself…is it true? If you can’t find evidence of its truth, let it go.

If your parents tell you that you won’t find a job in this economy and that you should take anything that will pay you, ask yourself, is this true? Is it true that you absolutely will NOT find a job? Is it true that there is not ONE job available? If you can’t prove this to be true, then it is time to let go of this disempowering thought and instead focus on what steps you can take that will increase your chances of getting a job that you love.

Consider the source. Before you accept what you have or will hear, ask yourself if you value the thoughts and opinions of the person delivering the message.

If you are out socially and another mother shares with you that children of divorce are never okay and that they grow up feeling “broken”, ask yourself if you like, admire or value her? Before you react or defend her messages, consider the source and decide whether or not it is worth responding. You not only can choose NOT to listen, you can also choose NOT to spend time again with her.

What you listen to is your choice, so choose wisely.

About a year after my divorce, I was fortunate to participate in Tony Robbins’ extraordinary program, Mastery University.  I would have to say that I went into this program reluctantly thinking, “I am not one of those people who needs to be told to think positive thoughts.” I wasn’t looking for motivation and certainly not a self-help guru.

What I really wanted was to figure out where I was going and what would come next. I felt sad, confused and completely overwhelmed by the enormity of the changes from the divorce and had no idea how to move forward.

It was actually my parents and brother who encouraged (actually pushed) me into registering for a “personal development program”. Looking back I think I was just the victim of an intervention!

It was by far the most uncomfortable thing I have ever done. I felt pathetic, scared and unable to understand why I was there. After all, I was fine. I just wanted to move forward and I didn’t need anyone’s help…I knew exactly what I needed to do.

The day I began Mastery University was the day that marked the true beginning of my new life.

The moment the program started, so did my tears. Tears, tears and more tears. I couldn’t imagine where they were all coming from. And as the tears flowed, I found the sadness and anger begin to leave my body. I began to breath, relax and open myself up to what would come next, not knowing at all what that would be.

Sometime over the next few days, we were asked to write about the blessings in our lives. My immediate reaction was that I have my children, my family, my health…beyond that I went blank.

At Tony Robbins events, there are many individuals available to support you through the exercises. One of these coaches saw that I wasn’t writing anymore and stopped to ask me how I was doing. I shared with him that I was recently divorced and trying to figure it all out. That I didn’t feel particularly “blessed”, but rather was grappling with all of the changes going on in my life, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and fear.

He asked me to use the remaining time to complete the sentence, “My divorce is a blessing because….”.

Hmmmm, what on earth was I supposed to do with this?  My divorce as a blessing?????

He told me to just keep writing…not to let my hand stop even if I thought I had nothing more to say. And so I did…and I haven’t stopped since.

Have you ever stopped to think about why or how your divorce is a blessing in your life?

I want to share with you just some of what I wrote that day, and a few of the reasons why my divorce is a blessing:

1.    The divorce journey taught me who I am and what I really want.
2.    I am able to live my truth, every day and in every way.
3.    I have learned to tap into the passion within me.
4.    I reclaimed who I am as a healthy and whole woman.
5.    I reconnected to the magnificence of ME!
6.    I rediscovered my sensuality and sexuality; opening the door to exploring my femininity.
7.    I stepped more fully and powerfully into my role as a mother.
8.    I learned how courageous and resilient I truly am.
9.    I discovered how strong I am.
10.  I became an exceptional communicator.
11.  I now know how to manage conflict and challenge, and have been able to  teach that to my children.
12.  I have deliberately created a new and fabulous life for myself.
13.  I now experience love in an entirely new, deep and amazing way.
14.  I found my life purpose.
15.  I took responsibility for who I am, good and bad, and learned how to become the person that I want to attract into my life.
16.  I learned how to forgive.
17.  I found grace, compassion and integrity.
18.  I discovered the power of choice.
19.  I no longer allow my emotions to control my words, actions and behavior.
20.  I took control of my destiny.
21.  I rediscovered joy and playfulness.
22.  I trust myself.
23.  I love myself.
24.  I believe in myself.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

This is only the beginning of my list of blessings…I add to them all the time. This exercise has become my daily practice of gratitude…for all that I have and all that I am.

If you have not taken time to reflect on the blessings of your divorce, I hope you will take a few minutes to begin your list. Write even if you feel like you have nothing to say.

And if you are having difficulty in finding the blessings of this most significant transition, give me a call…we can do it together!

I would love to hear from you and have you share your list of blessings!

What a month! Have you ever woken up one morning to find that you are way off track and moving in the wrong direction?

Today I want to share with you, openly and honestly, that despite knowing exactly how to live my ideal life and deliberately create what I want in my life, I woke up this week and realized that I had gotten pulled off my path.

Actually, to be brutally honest, I had allowed myself to get derailed and (gulp) I had, for a brief time, played the role of a victim.

Yes, ME!

It did not take me long to realize what had happened and to get back on track, but I recognize, once again, just how easy it is to take a wrong turn.

Divorce can create challenges even many years after it is “over”. Especially when there are children involved, the issues around co-parenting and communication can show up when you least expect it.

This summer my children’s sports schedules presented extremely complicated travel arrangements. Believing that my Ex would be open to coordinating the schedules with me, I sat back and made assumptions upon which I made decisions….decisions that did not turn out the way that I thought they would.

Instead of pro-actively planning my time the way I wanted to, I gave up my power and the result was not only having to cancel a trip that I had been planning for almost a year but needing to be away at tournaments four consecutive weekends in a row with one son and forfeiting most of my time with my other son for those four weeks.

I won’t go into all of the details (although there were many unpleasant moments during this time) but in the spirit of full disclosure, I admit that I had stepped fully into being a victim, feeling taken advantage of, being angry and acting sorry for myself. Not to mention being exhausted (emotionally and physically), overwhelmed and falling behind in many other areas of my life.

Have you ever gotten to this place?

It wasn’t until the morning after the final tournament that I woke up realizing that I had gotten way off track. That I was somewhere I didn’t want to be….and I had allowed it.

I was not a victim.
I was angry…but mostly at myself.
I had allowed it to happen.
I had not taken control of my own life.

The moment I took responsibility for getting off track, I was able to get myself right back to where I wanted to be. I have also learned a few valuable lessons, not only about myself, but about how I would like to move forward.

I was reminded again of just how easy it is to take that wrong turn…to end up someplace you don’t want to be. However, I also was reminded that it is my CHOICE of whether to remain stuck there or get myself right back on track. Our destiny is within our control. What happens next is a choice we make.

So today I am grateful. Grateful to have had this experience (I could have done without the self imposed misery for that few weeks!!!) so that I can not only share it with you, but support you as you face the moments you find yourself off track.

Oooohhh, I almost forgot! I wanted to share with you the new D Spot facebook page where you can see my daily thoughts, fun resources, updates on upcoming events… I would love to be connected with you in between each Dzine so I hope you will join me there! (and, go ahead and “like” it if you want…it always makes me feel good!) www.facebook.com/discoverthedspot

The celebration of July 4th this year really got me thinking!

Last month, a 20 year old young man from my town was killed in Afghanistan while serving our country. Upon hearing the news, I was overwhelmed by the loss of such a young soldier and gratitude for his ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and independence.

As we moved into the July 4th holiday weekend, I found myself doing more than my usual reflecting on this celebration of independence and what that really means to me.

The more I thought, the more I found that there is a deep connection between independence, freedom and divorce. And that it all truly begins within ourselves.

From a bigger perspective, I am profoundly aware of what it means to be free and independent of a government or dictatorship that strips us of our rights to speak freely, choose freely and live the life we desire. The recent loss of this young man confirms just how fortunate I am to have this freedom and how grateful I am to have it protected.

But as the holiday weekend continued, I found myself reflecting on the freedoms I have in my own life and what exactly independence means to me.

To help me, I first looked up the true definition of independence, which is “freedom from control or influence of another or others” and from there a flood of thoughts entered my mind.

I want to share with you some of the reflections that I had as I spent time journaling and exploring the relationship between divorce and independence/freedom:

1.   I am grateful to have the RIGHT to choose exactly how I want to live my life.

During the final stages of my marriage, I was often filled with an intense desire to break free of what I felt was a relationship and life that did not allow me to live the life I truly wanted. What I have learned since my divorce is that we all have the right to live the life we imagine and deserve, regardless of circumstance. And we have the power to do exactly that.

These years since my divorce have taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to choose and deliberately create the life I want to live. Not only is it my right, but it is a choice that I make each and every day remembering that there are people in the world who do not have that choice. I am grateful for this freedom.

2.   Freedom sometimes comes at a cost.

Getting divorced eliminated the “excuse” that my marriage prevented me from living my ideal life and the freedom to create my next chapter. While my divorce gave me the freedom to choose and took away this excuse, it also put the power of “what comes next” directly into my hands. No more excuses.

Since my divorce, I have learned what it means to be free to choose and to make decisions that will shape the direction of my life. What I never anticipated was what it would mean to make these many decisions and the challenges that come with complete freedom. Having complete freedom can also come with fear, insecurity and doubt, which left me taking time to explore, understand and learn how to manage this incredible new independence.

3.   Freedom can be overwhelming and frightening.

I was unprepared for the level of fear, insecurity and doubt that would come with my new freedom and independence. It was overwhelming. I felt “uneducated” for the decisions that I would need to now make, incompetent to make them, and insecure about how to move forward.

This “freedom” that once beckoned for me was now scaring me to death! Even these many years later, armed with the knowledge, confidence and skills as a coach, educator and author…I still have moments fear and doubt as I move to design my future. Only now I embrace these feelings and use them to face my fears and take control of my own destiny.

4.   Independence is at the core of creating our new lives after divorce.

It wasn’t long after my divorce that I began to understand what “personal independence” meant to me. It was financial independence, social independence, parental independence, romantic independence, professional independence…in fact; this independence began to weave itself into self reliance.

While searching for support to understand and take control of this overwhelming transition, I decided to try out this thing called a “life coach”.  And she changed my life. Instead of facing this daunting independence and self reliance alone and overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, I now began to face each piece of my new future with a plan for taking action towards designing my new life.

5. Independence can be taught and learned.

Working with my life coach was the first step towards my “education” in deliberate creation. Having never heard these words, I could not imagine what they meant?  However, my journey began by appreciating, understanding and assuming responsibility for my freedom and independence. It was brilliant!

This “education” has not only allowed me to create the life I lead…a life of joy, happiness, fulfillment and purpose, but to share it with others through the D Spot.

My divorce was the catalyst for massive change in my life, but more than anything, it gave me the motivation to learn how to live an ideal life. And now I get to share this with you!

I know that you must be thinking that I have taking this July 4th, Independence Day thing to an entirely crazy level! And you may be right!

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves taking what has always been an ordinary and common place occurrence, and experiencing it in a whole new way. This is what happened to me this year over the long holiday weekend!

I felt obliged to share it with you in the off chance that you may be having or will have a similar experience.

If you did, I hope you will share it with me so that we can, together, move through the life changing transition of divorce and create our ultimate destiny!!!