The D Spot

So it’s a new year; and perhaps with this New Year, you have set a resolution that this is going to be your year to find love. Love is the most complicated, awesome, painful and sought after desire there is. We all want it, and we all can have it; but many of us simply just don’t know how to do it.

Well, you can have it, when you understand it and take intentional action to get it.

Here is my Love after Divorce Manifesto, designed to guide you towards attracting, co-creating and sustaining new love in 2013.

I open my heart, my soul and my mind to receiving the love I desire.

If you have loved, thought you had love, lost love or simply have never experienced the beauty of love, you will first have to prepare your heart and soul to receive it again, or for the first time. Looking for love when you are not at peace with loving yourself and the intensity and vulnerability that love creates, will only lead you to a disappointing journey.

Give yourself the time you need to prepare, so you feel ready to allow yourself to receive and participate all that love is and becomes.

I allow curiosity to drive my dating and relationship experiences.

Too often we become critical during the dating process, expecting that we will be met with fireworks and butterflies with every potential partner and becoming angry and frustrated when we believe our expectations are not met. When you are able to look at every person you meet as an opportunity to learn more about them, you not only will enjoy dating far more, but you will be allowing yourself to be curious. Curiosity presents a chance for you to share more about you, inquire about things you really want to know about him and unleash your flirtatious and authentic personality in the process. Be clever, kind and flirty with your delivery and you will be surprised with the results.

I will enjoy, rather than evaluate each new person I meet. I will embrace the opportunity to meet new people as I date, and refrain from analyzing them until I have shared at least three unique experiences with them.

We egotistically believe that we possess the ability to fully evaluate a person upon the first few minutes of meeting them, convincing ourselves that “we know what we want and he is not it”. The truth is, none of us possess this skill. You can assess that you are not attracted to his looks at all, or that he offends or disgusts you, but other than these glaring situations, it is extremely difficult to fully assess a person after having dinner or drinks with him one, two or even three times.

While dating, individuals are not always being their authentic selves. They are nervous, trying too hard, and managing fear; all coming with their own context and skill level. Dating is an opportunity to create as safe and enjoyable environment as possible while getting to know someone; which takes time and shared experiences. Rather than having repeated dates for dinner and drinks, try another activity. Go skiing or hiking, visit a gallery or museum, cook together; there are endless ways to share time. Preferably choose an activity that is something you love and see how he is able to share it with you. Until you have the chance to see someone relaxed and comfortable, it will be a challenge to assess how you really feel.

I own who I am and what I want and need; setting boundaries that leave me feeling empowered, honored and in control of my romantic life.

There is nothing more attractive than someone who knows who they are and what they want; and who remains loyal to that even within an intimate relationship. If you are unable to honor what you want and set boundaries around that, you simply won’t be able to create a love that is sustainable over time.

Extraordinary, sustainable love is only possible when both of the people in the relationship are healthy, happy and whole as individuals. There are no exceptions.

I embrace being a woman and will nurture the feminine, sensual and flirtatious part of me as I seek out love and romance.

Sex is not the same thing as sensuality and sexuality. The more you embrace and enjoy your sensuality and sexuality as a woman, the better your relationship will be and the more fun you will have. It is not about performance or being good in bed; it is about connecting to your femininity and being comfortable with your sexuality. Walking fully in your identity as a woman will bring out the masculinity in any man. As you move along your journey to search for love, cultivate your own sensuality by doing things for yourself that allow you to feel strong, sexy and vibrant; and then bring this into your experiences while dating.

I recognize that open, honest, and face-to-face communication is the only way to co-create and build a healthy relationship.

Real and healthy love only takes place through a deep and “live” connection with each other. Relationships that take place virtually with little or no interaction face to face, will never sustain the test of time. The only place for intimate conversation and communication is when you are together or perhaps on the phone in between time together.

Having intimate conversations via text or email is a clear indicator that there are cracks in the foundation of the relationship and suggests that it is unlikely that you will ever be able to create real love together.

I trust myself and will listen to my gut and my intuition when it guides and protects me.

Most of us use the phrase “I don’t know” to avoid listening to our own intuition; especially when it may mean walking away from something that represents what we want. You do know. You always know somewhere deep down inside; even if you struggle to say it out loud.

Love is complicated, and it requires complete honesty; even when it hurts. Trust yourself…you are worth

One of the first questions that I ask every woman I talk or work with is, “So, what is it that you really want?”

No, not what you think you should want. Not what you feel you are supposed to want. Not what your family, friends or children want for you…but what do YOU want?

So often this is a question that drives the answer, “I don’t know”. And here is what I say to that; I don’t believe you.

It’s not that I think you are lying, but rather, it is that I don’t think you are telling the truth…your truth. The truth that lies deep down inside where we keep our desires, our fantasies and our passions. It is the truth that we are so often afraid to speak because we fear the consequences of it. That if we speak it….say it out loud…that someone we love won’t be happy with us, will be angry with us, will leave us or let us go, or simply won’t love us anymore.

Many of you share your truth with me and when I ask you what is holding you back from sharing it with the people in your life who are supposed to love you the most, you tell me that you are afraid of what will happen. That you are waiting for 100% certainty that what you know you want is really what you want; and that it will be okay.

Here’s the skinny; it will be okay. And, you absolutely do know exactly what you want; even if you are afraid of saying it out loud.

However, if you haven’t created relationships that are built on the complete truth of who you are, how you feel and what you want, there will be discomfort with shifting to a life that is.

• You may hurt someone you love…unintentionally.
• You may lose relationships.
• You may feel alone or insecure with finally embracing and speaking what you know you really want deep down inside.

I believe that many divorces are caused by one of the individuals within the marriage being scared to speak the truth about how they feel as they grow and evolve. So they don’t. And as a result of NOT speaking this truth, the relationship is built on a lack of complete honesty. And it is impossible to co-create an extraordinary relationship…together, when the truth is not present.

Some of us have been the ones to struggle with how to speak our truth when we know it may hurt someone we care about and that it may end a relationship.

Some of us have been on the receiving end of hearing the truth from someone we love. And it did hurt. But knowing that truth, over the long run, allowed us to move forward in understanding our own.

Sometimes this truth is cause for a marriage/relationship to end. But sometimes, this truth allows us to grow closer, to grow and evolve, and to co-create something even stronger and deeper.

What makes it even more complicated is that once we own our truth, it can be extremely frightening and difficult to communicate it in a way that is compassionate and kind. And so again, so many choose to avoid it altogether and hope it goes away. The trouble is, we, at our core, always know how we feel and what we want, even if we try to ignore it. It doesn’t go away. And there is a way to communicate our truth in a way that will get us exactly what we desire in life and in love.

Building relationships where both individuals are freely speaking their truth is the only way to have a sustainable and extraordinary relationship.

When you build a life around YOUR truth; with friends, with your children, with family and in love, you will experience a freedom, peace and harmony that you may have never experienced. All it takes is learning how to speak it.

So, let me ask you, what would it mean if you were free to live your life the way you wanted and honor how you really feel? What if you gave yourself permission to speak your truth in all of your relationships?

I don’t know about you, but there were a lot of thoughts running around my head as I read the Fifty Shades trilogy.

Yes, I am aware that they are a fun, erotic series of novels and that, of course, not one that can possibly be based in reality…or can it?

The truth is that while they are in fact perhaps exaggerations of what we define as “real” or appropriate, they are exactly that…exaggerations. Exaggerations built on thoughts that you and I often think and feel, deep down inside. Things like:

• Can sex be that passionate and crazy good?
• How much “experimentation” is “normal”?
• Am I a freak if I want to try a little bit of “that” (just a little!)…under “appropriate” circumstances?
• There is no way that a man like that could fall madly in love with a woman like that?
• Is it possible that a man could ever love me that much?
• Could I ever love a man that much?

The list goes on and on…and that is why this trilogy has skyrocketed to the best seller list. It opens the door to our imagination, our passion, and our possibilities.

One of the most significant lessons that I took from these books is what I know already to be true; that it is critical to speak our truth, no matter how afraid or how vulnerable we feel.

James, in her trilogy, created characters Christian and Anastasia, as dramatic exaggerations of what could be any two individuals that are seemingly so different from each other.

Christian Grey “seems” at first to be a sexual deviant, an abusive, crazy and “narcissistic” man. And yes, he is extreme (controlling, sexually “out there”, and self-centered)…for you and I. However, when viewing him through a lens of curiosity and compassion, Anastasia finds a man who has been deeply wounded, is carrying “fifty shades of baggage”, and ultimately, wants to love and be loved, but has no idea of what healthy love looks like. Of course, this is shrouded in over the top dominant scenarios and crazy drama throughout the book.

What I am talking about are the underlying messages. Shown through the relentless pursuit of Anastasia to understand him and extract his truth.

Anastasia is just the opposite. With no experience at love, intimacy or sex of any kind, she is simply nervous, excited, scared, curious and vulnerable. However, she is also smart and confident. And while she is also ultimately looking to love and be loved, she navigates being open to what she doesn’t know and understand, with caution, safe boundaries and her truth.

There is tension between them, not only sexually, but because in honoring their own individual truths, they learn that they will have to share their fears, their vulnerabilities and their deepest desires.

It is never easy to share with someone we care about what our deepest truth is. It takes courage, clarity and risk. Risk that the other person will be angry with us; that they will judge us; that they won’t love us. These fears often cause us to turn and flee, abandoning our truth and ultimately placing us in a situation we don’t really want at our core.

Christian and Anastasia take the risk; albeit painfully. And, they eventually reap the reward for it. But the messages are clear:

• get clear on what your deepest truth is
• be prepared to set boundaries that honor your truth but allow for growth; then,
• honor your boundaries; with kindness and compassion
• extraordinary love only comes when we share our truth; our fears, vulnerabilities, and deepest desires

So, do you know what your deepest truth is?

What holds you back from speaking your truth?

So, how many of you have read Fifty Shades of Grey?  If you haven’t yet, you must.

Over my vacation last week, I decided to catch up on my pleasure reading which included the Fifty Shades trilogy, and I am so glad I did.  Not because of the sex, which was fabulously fun to read, but more importantly, because the underlying messages of the book are those that are in alignment with all that I stand for.

The books, which most will say are simply erotica for the middle aged, is really a love story; and one that touches upon the very core of what effortless, extraordinary love is all about.

• Yes, the book is deliciously erotic.
• Yes, the book touches upon sexual content that is edgy and may be outside of our comfort zone.
• Yes, the book is exaggerated and extreme in its story.

However, the messages are, in my opinion, critical to the success of any good relationship.  Over the next few blog posts, I am going to share my thoughts about Fifty Shades and what it means for you as you create your new life and love after divorce.

I feel that the most significant message of the book is that things are not always what they seem. 

This is a story of two seemingly unsuited individuals who, over time, prove that they are more of an ideal fit than they could have ever imagined.

We all come with “baggage”, especially after divorce.  As a matter of fact, going through it we develop our own “fifty shades of divorce” and these fifty shades are what become part of the fabric of our lives as well as the experience that best prepares us for our next chapter.

The relationship between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele is one that allows the reader to take our own discomfort with how we think we would handle their situation and view it relative to how their relationship grows and evolves.

Extraordinary love is created when we engage and communicate with our lover/partner with curiosity and compassion.  When our curiosity about why someone does what they do outweighs our need to judge them.  When our desire to understand outweighs our need to react.

The book creates a relationship that is built on the curiosity and compassion shared between Christian and Anastasia and we watch as they question and challenge each other and their “baggage” with humor, desire and passion. 

They are each more interested in learning about each other and what motivates their actions, behaviors and words than they are about pushing each other away because of discomfort and fear.

Moving through and forward after divorce is an experience that can become   our defining story if we let it and can sometimes leave us feeling emotionally reactive and protective.

As we create and attract new relationships after divorce; with our Ex, with our children, and with new romance; leading with curiosity and compassion will ultimately open the door to extraordinary experiences.

I won’t give away the ending, but I will tell you that what happens between them is only possible because they are both willing to:

1.  Use the truth and experiences of their past as opportunities to grow and evolve, becoming a catalyst for change; and

2.  Look past the way things might “seem” with a desire to understand and to unleash the potential in each other. 

 As you move forward through and after your divorce, remember that things are not always what they seem.   There are always reasons why people act the way they do, say the things they do and react the way they do.    If you approach every situation with curiosity and compassion, you will not only discover what is really going on beneath the surface, but you will discover how to communicate in a way that will get you exactly what you want!

 Stay tuned for Part 2 of Fifty Shades of Your New Life after Divorce!

A couple of weeks ago my son and I got into a conversation about a friend of his who wanted to break up with his girlfriend. We talked about why his friend had come to this decision and then I asked him how he thought he was going to break up with her.

He shifted around in his chair for a few minutes and said that he wasn’t sure.

At this point, I suggested that his friend, and all teenagers,  needed to talk with their boyfriend/girlfriends face to face and be calm, clear, concise and confident in the conversation.  They had been together almost a year and the relationship, and his girlfriend, deserved an honest conversation.  I also shared with him that breaking up through facebook, texting or an email was not an appropriate or mature way to end a relationship.  And since he tells me all the time that he and his friends are now “men”, that this would be a good opportunity for him to guide his friend to step fully into what a mature man would do.

He responded that his friend was afraid to have the conversation because whenever so many times she he has tried to talk with her about it, she started to cry and beg him not to do it. Then she would be “mean” to him and he felt really bad.  But my son knew that his friend was not at all happy in the relationship and that his feelings of guilt, and fear, were making this conversation extremely difficult to have.

This is far too common a theme among our teenagers today, and sadly, far too common among adults as well.

Fast forward to today and his friend did have the conversation, and she did cry.  And then it was over.

Lately, a number of my clients have been struggling with how to tell their husbands that they are terribly unhappy and in fact, want to “break up”; that it is time to get a divorce.

And I have realized that we as adults have no easier a time with the “break up” than teenagers do.  My conversation with my son was just the beginning of teaching him how to manage conflict and learn to tell someone close to you what they don’t want to hear.  A skill that is not often taught but is necessary for creating a life you want, and can have.

Difficult conversations…nobody wants to have them, but they are a necessary part of life.

Divorce is the ultimate break up.  And yet, the conversation I had with my son is almost the same one that I have with any individual who is unhappy in their marriage and has made the decision to divorce.  This is a scary, upsetting, and difficult conversation to have; but one that must be done with equal parts of calm, compassion, clarity and honesty.  These are the cornerstones of exceptional communication which will become the foundation upon which your new future, relationships and love will be built.

No one wants to look into the face of someone they have cared about or loved, and tell them something that will hurt them, anger them or cause them deep sadness.  No one wants to be responsible for making another person cry.  But that can sometimes not be avoided, no matter what. These are natural reactions to hearing something you don’t like hearing.

Difficult conversations require support, preparation and a strategy for success.  And in the case of divorce, it is a conversation that can set the tone for the entire divorce process.

They should not be had in public, on facebook, through texts or via email (unless there is danger involved).   Difficult conversations don’t have to be angry or loud to be effective.  Instead, the most successful difficult conversations happen when the person initiating the conversation remains calm and allows the person receiving to have whatever feelings they have.

Unfortunately, the fear associated with initiating this conversation can be so great that the pain associated with having it seems worse than the pain that comes with avoiding it and instead choosing to do something indirectly that will force the “break up”.  For example, having an affair, creating a magnificent argument that turns into a battle, texting it…  These actions create adrenaline which can give a false sense of courage.

Telling someone something they don’t want to hear takes courage and the knowledge that truth and honesty always prevail; which they do.

If you are struggling with how you are going to have a difficult conversation,  get support, make sure you have clarity around what you want say and what you want the outcome to be, and communicate with compassion.

Once you master the skill of managing difficult conversations, you will enjoy the reward of extraordinary relationships…and love.

What is it that keeps us working so hard for the friendships and intimate, love relationship that we so desperately desire?

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of women who are working harder than ever at friendships and relationships that are depleting them of energy, enthusiasm and inspiration.   And yet, despite recognizing that these relationships are exhausting and exasperating, they continue to try harder to do more, be more and say more.

At some point, the exhaustion, frustration and depletion becomes more than they can bear and something momentous happens, changing the relationship forever.

Perhaps it is an affair.  That becomes the catalyst for the ending of a marriage that was not healthy to begin with.

 Perhaps there a fight of epic proportions for which things are said that can never be taken back.

 Or perhaps there is silence.  A silence so great that the hole that is left creates emotions that will take years to heal.

By the time this happens, the wounds are so deep and so painful; they require extreme care to heal.  And usually, the relationship can’t recover from them.

Divorce is often the result of what is not said and done, rather than what is said and done; although many would argue differently.  And by the time a woman comes to me for support, it is hard to get clarity around what she really wants to say…or, wanted to say; wishes she had said.

The same holds true, by the way, for friendships.  There are often parallels between what happens in divorce and what happens in the demise of a close friendship.

Why is this?

Well, if we aren’t saying what we really want and need to say, our partner/friends can’t hear what we really want and need them to hear.

It is not much more complicated than that.

You see, here is the simple truth.  You don’t have to be, do or say anything special to be loved.  Nope.  You just have to be YOU.

Honest you.

Authentic you.

Compassionate you.

Loving you.

Direct you.

Kind you.

Beautiful you.

 YOU…are enough.

You don’t have to buy sexy clothes. You don’t have to prepare fancy meals.  You don’t have to clean your house top to bottom.  Nor do you have to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, your desires or your interests to express your love and devotion.

You…the raw truth of who you are, is perfectly enough. 

Love is meant to be shared, from the inside out.  It is not meant to be earned, bought or judged.  It is simply meant to be felt and shared.

When you find yourself in a relationship or friendship that is causing you to work hard to do, be or say anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are, it is time to come clean.  It is time to say what needs to be said and allow the relationship to grow…or fade.

While this is not an easy thing to do, it is what will lead you to freedom.

Freedom to be the YOU that you are meant to be!

Effortless, extraordinary love.

We all want it.

We all deserve it.

So, why don’t we all have it?

How did you react today when you read the title of this post?

Did you say to yourself, “there is no such thing as effortless love”?  Or did you roll your eyes, snort and say, “I am done with this relationship and love thing”?

Or, did you quietly say to yourself, “I want to be in love, feel love and experience effortless love, but I don’t even know where to begin”.

Divorce, the end of a profound and significant love relationship, while it feels like an end, is really the beginning of a journey towards attracting, creating, embracing and enjoying effortless, extraordinary love.

So, why don’t we all have this kind of love in our lives? 

Because we aren’t ready for it.

I don’t mean that you don’t want it. Deserve it. Or are capable of it.  What I mean is that there is far more involved in preparing for it than most people understand.

Being ready for effortless, extraordinary love means living an effortless, extraordinary life.

What happens for so many individuals is that they try to find love before they are ready.  As a result, they may find themselves in a relationship that is not healthy, and one that inevitably, does not work out.  In their eyes this further validates that true love doesn’t exist and now seems even more impossible.  Have you ever felt this way?

So what does being “ready” for love mean?

Here are five indicators that you are ready for effortless and extraordinary love:

• You are honest and clear on what you “must have” and “must never have” in your ideal relationship.

While most of us believe we know exactly what we want in a relationship, the reality is that we don’t really have clarity around what we must have and must never have.

And it is not always what it seems.

For example, in one of my Love Chats this past week, a woman shared that on her “list of five” criteria, she would like a man that is within five years of her age.  After further conversation and exploration, what we discovered is that age is not really a “must have” for her, but rather that at her age and stage, having more children is something that she “must never have”.  Age is not a deal breaker, but dating someone who wants children, is.

Often we are not honest about our truths, and as we date; we mold, bend and excuse the very things that will cause the deterioration of the relationship over time.  Being ready means knowing the truth of what you need and want in your ideal relationship.

• You enjoy dating and “kissing lots of frogs”!

Finding your ideal relationship can happen at any time and at any place.  However, if you are not living a life that allows you to interact with potential partners, it is going to be difficult to find one.

You will need to put yourself in situations and environments where you can interact with people all the time and you will need to be open to and excited about meeting them.

I love men.  Even after my divorce, I never stopped loving, enjoying and attracting men.  As a matter of fact, I also love people and am curious about human behavior.  So for me, spending time dating was fun.  Regardless of whether or not they were “the one”, I always enjoyed the process of getting to know someone new.  As a result, I am still friends today with a number of the men I dated, even if just for one date.

Getting to know a prospective partner and beginning a new relationship is one that requires curiosity, time and shared experiences.  It doesn’t happen overnight and is the repeated enjoyment of spending time together.

If you are aggravated by the dating process, frustrated with how long it is taking, or bitter about the opposite sex; you are probably not ready to build a new, exceptional relationship.

• You live a life of passion and purpose.

Are you happy?  Do you enjoy your life?  Part of creating an extraordinary relationship is sharing the joys of your life with someone new and allowing them to share their joyful life with you.

Effortless relationships do NOT include the responsibility of making each other happy.  Happiness is found within, and then shared with each other.  It is in the sharing of passions and purpose that juicy joy is created.

If you are not living a life you love, filled with passion and purpose; the likelihood of attracting a relationship that makes you happy is slim.  For those individuals who seek a partner that will fulfill them and make them happy, it is disappointing when a new relationship deteriorates for “no good reason”.

That is not to say that in an extraordinary relationship both people don’t enhance the joy and happiness in each other lives, because that is part of what makes it so fabulous; but one is not the sole source of happiness for the other.

If you are not already living a life you love, you are not yet ready.

• You have healthy and happy relationships with your friends and family.

Usually individuals who have an extraordinary love relationship, also have happy and healthy relationships with the other people in their lives.

Back in November I wrote about the wonderful quote, “How you do anything is how you do everything”.   There is no situation for which this applies more perfectly than relationships.

Divorce can create a shift in many of the relationships in your life, because it is the demise of a significant love relationship, your marriage.  It takes time to deconstruct the experience of a marriage and rebuild our relationship confidence.

If you find that you are experiencing conflict and tension in a number of relationships in your life, the chances are that there is something deeper going on that deserves exploration.

• You are emotionally and financially healthy.

So, this is a biggie.  If you are not emotionally and financially healthy, it will be extremely difficult to attract and sustain an effortless, extraordinary relationship.

I don’t want you to misunderstand me, I recognize that you may not be financially abundant (yet!), but it is critical to be in control of your own financial life before you can share your life with someone new.  The same applies to emotional health.

Healthy relationships are built when the individuals in them are healthy.

If the ground beneath your feet is not yet stable, taking the time to build security in your life will be a key to unlocking the door to new love.

Having effortless, extraordinary love in your life is not only possible, but essential.  And it is yours for the taking when the time is right!

I was thrilled to see that Oprah hosted a two hour special of her Next Chapter series last Sunday with the man who truly changed my life after divorce, Tony Robbins.

The first hour of the special followed Oprah as she experienced Tony’s signature event, Unleash the Power Within.  It was so much fun for me to watch!  About a year after my divorce, I enrolled in the Anthony Robbins Mastery University, a series of events and training that took over two years to complete.  And it changed my life.

As I sat and watched Oprah’s experience, I realized that she and I had something in common.  We both had the privilege and benefit of participating in a Tony Robbins event.

The second hour of her show was an interview with Tony to talk primarily about her “A-ha” moments during the event, which were many.  Having gone through the experience myself, I thought I would share three of Tony’s powerful messages that we both learned through our work with him and how you can apply them in your life…today.

1. The only think holding you back is the story that you tell yourself about why it can’t happen.

We all have a “story”.  Your story is made up of the many experiences you have had that together create the fabric that has become your life.  Our stories are usually true; the events and experiences truly did happen.  However, it is the meaning we choose to apply to our story going forward that can hold us back from all that we are meant to be.  It is the embellishment that we make to “the story” that speaks to us saying, “I can’t do this because”, “I will never be able to have that”, or “that’s impossible”.

For example, it is true, I am divorced.  In the same way that you may have been emotionally abused, physically abused or are divorced as well.  The facts of our experiences are undeniable, and true.  However, they are not the reason for why we can’t do, be and create our life in the way that we desire.  Our story is our past, and has brought us to today; it does not define our future.

When we can embrace our story and use its lessons to guide our future, we will have created an empowering story that opens up the world for us.

 Action Step: take out a piece of paper and put “My Empowering Story” at the top.  Then set a timer for 30 minutes and begin writing your empowering story.  Do not stop until the timer goes off.

2. It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.

Everything begins with a decision.  It is in the moment of your decision that your plan for the future will begin to unfold.  Yes, creating your destiny will take action, discipline and commitment, but it begins with a decision to do, be or create something.

When moving forward after divorce, so many individuals become stuck in the pre-decision state.  It is not that they don’t want to move forward or hope that things will get better, but they have not made an active decision to do it.

Once you have made a decision, whatever the decision, you will have set your destiny in motion.  You may not yet have figured out the “how” to make it happen, but you will have released the intention and the energy that will guide you there.

 Action Step:  on another piece of paper, write down two decisions you are prepared to make.  For each of these decisions, write a paragraph of WHY you have made the decision and what it will mean for you…and your destiny.

 3. When going through a tough time you are in what can be called a personal “winter”.  Like any other season you will not only get through it, but you can decide to grow through it.

We are in winter.  We are in a worldwide economic and financial winter; and for many of us who are going through and moving forward after divorce, we may be experiencing a personal winter as well.

What do we know about winter?  Well…we know it is a season, and that seasons always end.  Winters are time for skiing, staying warm, “hibernating”, reading, learning and preparing ourselves for when spring comes.

Winter is not permanent.  It is temporary and has an end.

When we go through our own personal winters, we can find comfort in knowing that they are temporary and we will move through them; coming out on the other side.  And while we move through it, we are not helpless.  We can prepare ourselves for the coming spring; we can set a strong foundation for growth.  This shift in perception from feeling permanently stuck to the freedom of temporary, will allow you to take action during a time when it may feel helpless.

 Action Step: on a final piece of paper, make a list of all that you can do during your “personal winter” to prepare yourself for spring.  What would it mean if you could accomplish them all?

These are only three of the profound and empowering messages and lessons that both Oprah and I have gained from our experiences with Anthony Robbins.

I have incorporated many of his lessons and his models into what I do at the D Spot and am privileged to be able to share them with you as I support you along your journey.

As you apply these to your lives, please let me know if they have made a difference for you!

Shared custody.

This sounded fair at the time, especially because I respect and encourage a strong and healthy relationship between my two boys and their father and believe that shared custody is in the best interests of all children wherever possible.

However knowing that it is “fair” and that it is the custody arrangement that is in the best interest of my children meant nothing when it was time for them to go to their father’s for the first time.  I watched them go knowing that I would not see them again for four days.  As they pulled out of the driveway the tears began to fall.

Four days.  Four days without my children.  How was I going to bear the lonliness of it? I was overwhelmed with the loss of what I had always wanted, to be a mother 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  Now what?

I made it through the first week…barely, and then the second.  Each week became a little easier as I started filling up my time with friends, meetings, appointments, errands and anything that I could do to make the empty feeling go away.

Well that was almost 7 years ago.  And over time I have come to (dare I say) enjoy having a bit of free time to reconnect to myself,  enjoy new relationships, spend time with friends and work on my business without it taking away from time with my children.

Sharing your children with your Ex is something that is part of divorce.  But you never get used to it.

You never get used to going to sleep at night knowing that your children’s beds are empty in their rooms.  You never get used to missing the opportunity to take care of them when they are sick in the middle of the night.  You never get used to going entire days without seeing or speaking to them.

I have come to feel GRATEFUL for the invention of texting technology. Yes, I said it.  Texting.  While my oldest son is now driving and I am scared to death of the texting while driving statistics, I am still grateful for the technology that allows me to communicate with them anytime, day or night.

If you have teenagers, you realize that they only want to talk with you and hang out with you when it is convenient for them and they are interested, which is not often.  Because divorce often includes shared custody, this already small amount of time they are interested in talking to you is made even less by having them only part the week.

When they were small, I would only be able to speak to them on the phone when they were with their father if the timing worked out, otherwise I could go a few days without seeing or speaking to them.  And I missed my children terribly.

With cell phone technology and the invention of texting, the game changed.  Yes I call them whenever I want to hear their voices, but again, teenagers only answer the phone when they want to.  They, too, screen their calls and mom doesn’t always make the list.  However,  I have come to learn that they always read their text messages!

So now I get to say “Good morning, have a great day today!” every morning.  And I get to send them goodnight wishes and kisses every night.  I even send them random, “I love you” texts during the day when I am feeling the ache of missing them.

The truth is that they don’t always text me back. Sometimes they are in the mood to talk and call me back instead of texting.   But I know that they always read my text messages.   And they know that I am thinking about them and loving them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

And while it is not a substitute for seeing them, it allows me to share my love, support, humor, and often pertinent information with them directly and often.

We don’t need permission to connect to our children.  We don’t need to have custody of our children every day to connect to them.   All we need to do is love them and let them know it, any way we can.

Oh, and the answer to the question?  NO.  You never get used to sharing your children, not even with your Ex.  But, the joy of technology means that there are more and more ways to connect with them while you are apart.

If  you have found creative ways of connecting with your children when they are with your Ex, I welcome and encourage you to share them with us!

Spending time over last weekend with a group of women all with the desire to write a book and supporting each other to share their gifts and talents with the world, got me thinking about who I choose to surround myself with on a daily basis.

I have always enjoyed being part of a community.

And, it started early for me.

I grew up in a wonderful neighborhood and in particular, lived on a street where in the house next door, across the street and further down the street lived kids exactly the same ages as my brother and I.

We were a “pack” and spent endless hours playing outside together.  Us “girls” formed a secret club where we spent our time making secret handbooks and holding secret meetings.  It was a special group and we remain in touch even today.

As I grew older I continued to find myself part of all kinds of communities.

Eventually all of us on the street grew into our own passions and activities, spending less and less time together as a “pack”.  However, soon after I found myself part of a talented group of girls, my ballet performance troupe, and it was in this incredible community that I spent most of my youth.

Through high school, and college, my interests, areas of study and roommates provided me with safe, welcoming and comfortable communities.  Being part of something, belonging, allowed me to enjoy my life.

When I got married, I moved back to my hometown, where although comfortable having grown up there, I didn’t really know anyone living there as an adult.   So, I immediately got involved in my Synagogue and Jewish community.  My ex-husband is an avid golfer and we found ourselves joining the country club where we did much of our socializing.  When my children were born, it was easy to connect to communities.  There were all of the parent communities…pre-school, elementary school, athletics….it was easy to connect around these shared experiences.  I even had a book club with a bunch of moms from my kids’ elementary school.

But then came my divorce.

And I no longer seemed to fit into these communities anymore.

And the people vanished.

They didn’t call anymore.  Invitations to social and special events stopped altogether.  I felt like I was no longer welcome.

But, where did they go?

I was still a member of the synagogue.

My kids still went to the same schools.

I still shuttled my kids around to all of their activities and sports.

And I still liked to read.

Yet everything was different.  I felt completely alone and isolated from any kind of community.  I felt like I didn’t “belong” anywhere anymore.

Have you ever felt this way?

I hated feeling isolated and alone.  I am a person who thrives on relationships and community and now all my relationships were changing and I no longer fit in where I once did.

What I learned is that divorce, unlike death,  job loss, or parenting issues, does not build or invite community, rather it can break it down.  We come together in support of someone dealing with the death of a loved one, we surround people who have lost their jobs with support and we reach out to comfort parents who are dealing with difficult parenting issues.

But where is the community when we announce that our marriage is ending?

This loss of belonging is one of the major reasons that I started the D Spot…to create a community of women who all have the shared experience of divorce, whatever stage they are in.

Looking back I realize that I truly didn’t belong in some of those communities and although at the time I mourned their loss, I am grateful to have been set free to create new, empowering and supportive communities  for myself.

Surrounding myself with groups of friends, family and colleagues that are founded on consistent, honest and authentic relationships is critical to my journey as a woman.

I love the many and varied communities that I am a part of.  They each and all nurture me in different ways.  Some are personal and some are professional.  And because of them all, I know that I am never alone.

What communities are you a part of that no longer serve you?

Do you open yourself to opportunities to create or join new communities?