The D Spot

Recently I have been asked, by more than one media outlet, to speak on the subject of what I believe the single most important piece of advice is that I would give to anyone who is thinking about, going through or moving forward after divorce.

As you might imagine, this is a loaded question and one for which I seem to have trouble answering.  There are many words of guidance that I would give anyone who is facing or has experienced the transition of divorce.

As I sit at my desk (as I am doing right now), I am once again reflecting on this question…what IS the most important piece of advice I would give?

You are in this with me so I ask you! What is the one thing you need more than anything else; the one thing that would change your life right now?

Is it money?
Is it a more effective way to communicate?
Is it a job?
Is it new love?
Is it a “life roadmap”?
Is it courage?  Is it confidence?

 Or perhaps, it is a combination of all of the above?

Like you, I continue to move forward designing my new life after divorce; and to be completely honest, I have had a challenging couple of days.  So, today I could use more effective techniques for communicating with my teenage son, a few new strategies for managing a long distance relationship and perhaps a few helpful hints on re-energizing when you have limited time available.

I guess what I really need is information; information from someone who is an expert in these issues.  Or in other words, really good support.

I have a lot of friends and family that love me, and who would be happy to share their thoughts and opinions with me.  After all, I know that they want me to be happy.

But that is not what I know I need.  I need someone who doesn’t just love me (although loving me would be nice!!), but someone who can give me the tools and resources I need and who is skilled at supporting me create a plan for addressing my most pressing issues, the ones that make me feel sad, overwhelmed and anxious.  I’m not a person who wants to waste a lot of time, I am ready to take action!

The good news for me is that I surround myself with experts in all different areas of personal development and most importantly, I am not afraid to ask for help, or support.

So, that’s it, the #1 thing that you need, and by the way, deserve!   Getting information and really good support is the THE single most important piece of advice that I can give to you and anyone else who wants to create new life after divorce.

It may be that you need money, a job, new love, parenting wisdom….but regardless of what you need, it comes down to asking for and getting support; support from someone who has the skills, the training, the information and the talent to move you forward and create a plan for eliminating the sadness, paralysis and overwhelm that you feel.

And while I recognize that asking for support may feel uncomfortable and maybe even “weak”, it is the strongest, wisest and most loving thing you can do for yourself.

Trust me, I am right here with you.  In fact, I must go right now and make a few calls myself!

So the time has come for me to “come out” and share more intimately and transparently with you where me and the D Spot are headed.  It is time for full disclosure.

Over the past couple of years I have been walking my talk in my own personal life.  Having gone through my own divorce almost 8 years ago, I have been on my own personal journey since then; a journey towards designing the life that I imagine and deserve.  And guess what?  It really works.

The self-exploration, the personal growth work, and the relentless pursuit to be all that I am meant to be are all paying off…in all areas of my life.

However, I have discovered and learned so much along the way, and I want to share some of it with you.

The greatest thing I have learned is that living your extraordinary life includes many ups and downs.  The challenges are inevitably unexpected, and yet are reliable.  It may seem from my newsletters, facebook posts and tweets that I walk through each day empowered, inspired and skipping with joy, but the truth is, I don’t.

Yes, I am living the life that I imagine, and deserve; and I have never been happier.  But, it takes daily practice, discipline and focus to not only make progress forward, but to maintain the standard that I have set for myself.  A standard that I set after my divorce when I gave myself permission to figure out and define what I really, truly wanted to experience in my life.

Living with mediocrity in my life and relationships is something that I have never been good at, and yet for many years I did. When I finally acknowledged that I was not truly happy in my life, I slowly began to imagine what it would look and feel like to actually be happy.  I wanted it, but felt powerless to make the changes that would get me where I wanted to be. Truth be told, I had absolutely no idea how to do it.   All I knew was that after my divorce, I made a commitment to myself, that mediocrity would never be good enough…good would never be good enough.  I wanted extraordinary.  I wanted exceptional.  And I wanted it in my life, love and everything in between.

It has been a journey. A journey I never could have foreseen, predicted or imagined. It has had unimaginable highs and excruciatingly painful lows.  Through it all, I have discovered, learned and mastered what it takes to create an extraordinary life and love.  And teaching this to others, to YOU, is my passion.  It is what I am meant to do.

Whether it looks like it from the outside or not, no one who goes through divorce, man or woman, comes through it unscathed.  We are all affected, we are all forever changed. However it is what we do with the change that determines our destiny.

Full Disclosure.  I am no different than you.

I have my own fair share of co-parenting challenges; they are painful and they are not at all what I wanted.  And while I can’t control my Ex, or any other person, I am in full control of how I react and respond to them.  And I take this control seriously.

I attracted, created and sustain an extraordinary relationship with a man I love, but he is flawed.  I am flawed.  And it has many challenges and obstacles.  We have four kids between us, three Ex’s (he has been divorced twice), step parents and plenty of parenting issues.  Integrating and blending our lives has been difficult, and yet through the challenges, we grow closer and our relationship deeper and more extraordinary.  I walk my talk; and it is not always easy.  But it works and that is why I do what I do.

I have plenty of bad days.  I have days when I am scared to death of what my future holds.  And if I have what it takes to create the life that imagine; especially because what I imagine is a BIG vision; abundant with resources and love.  I have days when I think that I am not enough…not good enough, smart enough or capable enough of doing all that I want.  But I know that this is just my inner mean girl talking and that she has no idea what she is talking about!  And I know  how to shut her up!  There will always be those who doubt and who are worried about me, including my inner mean girl…but I walk my talk; and I know that creating my plan and sticking to it is going to get me where I want to go.  I also know that surrounding myself with people who inspire, empower and support me is critical to living the life I desire.

I have my own coach…actually coaches.  I know that I am not meant to do this alone.  And neither are you.  They are the ones who push me to be more than I already am, to be, do and create all that I am meant to.  They challenge me and hold me accountable.  I could not do this without them.

You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You have all that it takes to get exactly what you want.  Now it is your choice; how badly do you want it?

So this week was the final week of my first ever Are You Ready…for your New Life and Love program and all I have to say is WOW!  What an amazing experience!

One of the things that I love most about what I do is the opportunity to continuously learn and evolve from all of the women that come into my life through my business.  Every email you send me, every conversation we have, and every experience you have teaches me something not only about myself, but also about moving powerfully forward in the creation of life after divorce.

This program allowed me to share five weeks with seven amazing women.  Together we broke through challenges, reconnected with ourselves and designed our new stories.  I was reminded just how powerful it is to come together as magnificent women and support each other in the creation of our ideal lives!  I am truly sad that this first program has come to an end, but I am pumped because I have decided to do it again this fall!!

     Seven women.

     Five Weeks.

     Radical Transformation!!

I wanted to share a little about our experience over the past five weeks because as we all recognized, we are not alone in our journey.  It can feel isolating at times, but once we started talking and sharing our stories, there were commonalities across all of our unique situations.

Your divorce holds the key to unlocking your extraordinary future.

Yes, you heard me correctly.

Through the ending of your marriage and your journey through divorce, you have the ability to learn all that you need to create what you want…IF YOU ALLOW IT!

For so many of us, the exhaustion of the process, the feeling of overwhelm, and the emotions of sadness, grief and anger prevent us from learning what we need to create our new lives.

Instead, we resist.

We defend.

We judge.

We retaliate.

We sabotage.

We do and say many things that in the end, only hurt us.

What was so incredible for me was watching women just like you step out of these limiting behaviors and thoughts, and instead, replace them with MOJO!  With hope.  With brilliant and bold intentions.  With desire.  And with passion.  It was AWESOME!

For those of you who participated in the program and are reading this; THANK YOU!  Thank you for your courage, your inspiration, your magnificence, your depth, your commitment and your energy!  I am a better person for sharing this time with you!

And for all of you…if you are feeling alone, uninspired, unmotivated, sad, angry, overwhelmed, anxious or simply exhausted…know that your new life is right around the corner.  Even if you can’t see it yet.

You are at the beginning.  The beginning of the rest of your life; and it is there ready for you to reclaim it!

I appreciate you indulging me while I brag about the incredible women who shared this time with me.  It was too short…just the tip of the iceberg!

If you are interested in participating in the next Are You Ready?! Program that will take place this fall…just email me at discoverthedspot@gmail.com and I will make sure you get the information as soon as it is ready.

Even more exciting…I am creating an Are You Ready Alumni group so that as you complete the program, you will be able to join the other women in sharing, supporting, and encouraging each other as you move forward!

P.S.  Here are quotes from four of the seven women who participated…I hope you enjoy seeing their transformations as much as I did!

• “I have to say once I started this exercise I felt energized, passionate (gasp!) and alive!  I loved it, couldn’t stop working on it.  Thank you so much for introducing me to this – it feels like I’m on the right track when I’m thinking this way.  It’s so easy to get stuck in the pain of what could have been, the losses you suffer on a daily basis (sharing kids, etc) that your forget how truly amazing your life is & will be.  So, thanks again.  Fantastic!  Can’t wait to work on this some more. “

• “Thanks Laura!!!  Your guidance and posts help me believe I can do this.  Ur program is pretty amazing!”

• “The D Spot has been a huge part of me reclaiming my life and helping me heal and move on with my life.”

• “THANK YOU!  I thought the first session was fabulous and I can’t wait for this process to unfold.”

I am so pleased to be able to share my new friend and colleague, Karen McMahon with you! She has been kind enough to be my guest blogger this week.  She and I have philosophies that are in absolute alignment…as a matter of fact, when I first read her post, I thought to myself that I could have been the author!

I hope you enjoy her words of wisdom. 

I will Thrive in My New Life: Consciously choose thoughts that serve you

By Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach

You are what you think.  Negative thoughts generate negative emotions; positive thoughts generate positive emotions.  

Have you ever heard the saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it?” The idea is this… Divorce is difficult and painful at times, that is a given and no one is suggesting that you walk around making believe you are blissfully happy.  That would be equally unhealthy.  You need to feel your feelings.  But you do not have to wallow in them.

Take a close look at that negative statement you so often say to yourself and see how true it is.  For instance, if your overriding thought is, ‘I’m never going to be able to make it on my own”, how is this going to make you feel? Actually, how true is that statement?

What have you done in your past, who do you have in your support system, what protections are yours under the law that point to the fact that you will be okay?  But your fear, your gremlin, lurking in the dark alleys of your mind, is there to scare you and keep you in fear. You can choose to live in the ‘what if’s’ and they are usually all the negative possibilities of what might happen, or you can change your thoughts.

Shine a light on that dark and scary place that your mind goes to by replacing your negative, self-defeating statement with a truer one.  “I am strong and capable and I can make it on my own.” Or “I will not only survive this divorce, but once it is over, I will thrive in my new life.” Choose the words that resonate with you, your real truth.  Then say it out loud. Say it again and again.  How does it feel?  Your feelings will change when you own this new positive statement about yourself.   Your energy will shift from negative to positive.  And you will begin to manifest the future you desire.

1. Take a few minutes to jot down the negative statements about yourself and your situation that you have been focusing on
2. Ask yourself how real they are
3. Replace them with statements that more accurately represent who you are and what you are capable of creating for yourself
4. Begin to live these new statements

If you have been listening to that negative voice in your head, change it today and share your experience with us. 

Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach & Master Energy Practitioner, wrote this post. Karen is the founder of KM Life Coaching and co-author of “Navigating Your Divorce: A guide to the Legal, Financial and Emotional Basics”, a free ebook. Karen’s passion is to work with men and women going through the divorce process; helping them navigate the difficulties while focusing on personal growth and embracing the opportunities that lie ahead.

As we prepare to enter 2012, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts with you.  You are such an incredible part of my life; I want you to know just how much I appreciate you!

Before I do, I would like to ask you to do something for me.  Take a few moments over the next day or so to find a quiet place, close your eyes and think back to this time last year.  What was going on in your life?  What challenges have you overcome this past year?  What accomplishments have you made?  Reflect on all the joyful moments that you experienced!

Now, take out a piece of paper and make a list of all that happened over the past year to bring you to today.

If your experience is anything like mine, you will be amazed at just how much has happened and how far you have come!

I have never been a fan of resolutions.  I find them to be unrealistic, unachievable and often lacking in intention and motivation.  My business background has made me more comfortable with visioning, setting goals and creating a plan for achieving them.  What I never realized before my own divorce, was how critical this planning process is to our personal lives, not just our professional lives.  So, as you enter the New Year this weekend, hopefully you will indulge yourself in beginning this process for your life!

Wherever you are in your journey, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  And, you have all that you need already within you.  Isn’t that a relief!!!

My hope for you is that this is the year that you acknowledge what is holding you back from your magnificent destiny, and commit to making the changes in your life that will set you free.  You know what I am talking about.  The self-sabotaging behaviors and choices that keep you where you are instead of empowering you to be the woman you are meant to be.

This inner work is not easy, and it can be painful and extremely uncomfortable.  But through this pain and discomfort will come exquisite freedom and unimaginable joy!

You are magnificent!

You are beautiful!

You are stronger than you can possibly imagine!

You are courageous!

You are capable of doing anything you want!

You are not your divorce story.  You are whatever you choose to be.  You can rewrite your story any way that you want.  It is time for you to change it up! Get crazy! Imagine that the impossible is absolutely possible…because it is!  The only thing holding you back…is you.

This is the perfect time for you to step powerfully into being the extraordinary woman that you are!  To reconnect with your purpose, your soul, your truth and your unique talents and gifts!

In 2012, you are free to do, be and create anything you can imagine!

It is all there, waiting for you.  2012 is YOUR year to reclaim a life of abundance, passion, prosperity, wellness, joy, peace and magic!

It continues to be a privilege and pleasure to not only know you, but to serve and support you!  I hope that this year we will enjoy a greater connection and friendship…I am always here for you.  You are never alone!

You can find all of my new events and workshops for 2012 here!

How you do anything is how you do everything.

I heard this the first time from my friend, colleague and mentor, Kellie Kuecha.  Kellie is a master of business branding and identity and in supporting individuals to OWN their worlds.

Take a moment to read this sentence again, and fully absorb the meaning in these words, for they are the truest I have found.

How you do anything is how you do everything.

How you handle and manage any situation, challenge or experience in your life is how you probably handle all of them.

Upon first hearing this I took a bit of time to reflect on it because it speaks fully to how I live my life…today.   But it wasn’t always this way.

As I took time to look back on my life and especially my marriage, I realize that this statement was true even then, though I hadn’t fully realized its implications.

I may not have understood then but I understand now that each and every action I take, word I speak and decision I make contributes to the creation of the life I choose to live.

Let me give you an example.

Immediately following my divorce, I, like most parents who get divorced, made a commitment to doing whatever I could to ensure that my children would be okay.  I wanted to make sure that I made decisions that were in their best interest and that I considered their well being every step of the way.  And so, from that moment on, I had to think long and hard every time I would interact with my Ex husband.

Divorce does not come without its many challenges, including the complexities around co-parenting.  My Ex and I, while we both love our children, do not always get along. In fact, there are many things he does and says that infuriate me.  Over these years (and I am sure into the future) he has, and will, give me many reasons to be hostile and angry.

Because I take this phrase, how I do anything is how I do everything, so seriously, I have had on many occasions had to bite my tongue, shed tears out of frustration and fury, and take the high road by deliberately choosing how I would handle the situation so that I can do what I committed to do; live my life in a way that puts the interests of my children first.

In those moments of frustration and fury, it would be easy to over react or indulge in the emotion of the moment, but then I am reminded; if I do that, it would mean that this is how I handle all things, and I have set a much higher standard for myself.

My divorce forced me to do a complete life assessment.  Why wasn’t I happy?  What had I done wrong in my marriage?  What did I want my life to look, and feel like?

Believe it or not, I am not and was not a “woo woo” kind of girl.  I tend towards being a skeptic and often times, especially back then, fell into the “victim” mentality.  I believed that there were a million reasons why I couldn’t have the life I wanted.

But I was wrong.

As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until this little phrase entered my world, that I really began to understand how I was going to move forward towards creating a new life for myself.  It was going to be one action at a time. One “taking the high road moment” at a time.  One carefully chosen word at a time.

Because how you do anything is how you do everything, it is important to be honest about how you do the “anything”.

For example, how do you perform at work?  What are you friendships like?  How to you approach a challenge?

If you are late with deadlines at work and do not pay close attention to detail, then the chances are that these characteristics can be seen in your personal life and relationships as well.  If you often find yourself having conflict with friends and family members, you will probably find that there is conflict in the other areas of your life too.

This is a particularly important phrase to consider when women (and men for that matter) begin dating again after divorce.  The patterns of behavior and characteristics that can be seen in all areas of your life will reliably present themselves when beginning new relationships as well.  You may be looking for something radically different than the relationship you had with your Ex, but if you don’t do the hard and humbling inner work after your divorce, you will probably attract the same kind of relationship that you had before.

So let me ask you this, do you fully understand how you do “anything”?  And, if you aren’t fully satisfied with your “anything”, perhaps now is the time to break old patterns and set a new standard.

Hurricane Irene seriously took its toll on my property.  I love where I live because I am set in the middle of the woods where there is plenty of quiet and I can get my fill of nature.  However, when Irene came whipping through, she significantly damaged my calm and peaceful property causing many of the small trees to come down and the limbs from the larger trees to rip off.

For the past two months I have been working feverishly to clear out the woods of dead branches and trees.  There are piles of logs, large tree limbs, twigs, tangled vines, and brush all over. It is a mess.

It is such a mess that I haven’t known exactly how to handle it, and in fact, have been completely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it.  But now, after spending hours and hours cleaning it out section by section, I am realizing that this process is not unlike the journey through and after my divorce.

When Irene came through, I had no idea of just how significantly my property had been affected and how long the clean up would take. My divorce, like Irene, also came tearing through my life leaving chaos and a major mess behind it.

I take tremendous pride in keeping my environment clean, tidy and pretty to look at.   It makes me feel comfortable and secure when it is nicely taken care of.  You can only imagine what living with dead trees and piles of sticks and wood all over the place has been like for me!  Especially because no matter what I do, it will never look like it did before.  The good news is that the storm was the catalyst for some long overdue property and garden maintenance that I had been putting off.

Thankfully, the lessons learned through my divorce, and now reinforced by the power of Ms. Irene, have actually enabled me to manage this cleanup in a completely different way.

Here is what you need to know about hurricanes, and divorce:

• It is going to be messy for a while.

There is no way around it.  When something as strong as a hurricane, or divorce, comes into your life, things are going to be complicated and messy even under the best of circumstances.  Looking outside my window and seeing piles of wood, dead trees, and debris everywhere is unsettling and uncomfortable for me.  My divorce was no different.  The amount of change I experienced felt just the same way…uncomfortable, unwelcome and overwhelming.  I have had to learn to get used to it because clean up takes time.  Things are not going to go back to the way they were, they will be different going forward.  My property will never look the same, but I know in time, it will look even better than before.

• It is more and harder work than you can imagine.

Cleaning up after a Hurricane is hard.  I mean really hard.  As a matter of fact, on the days that I have spent my time pulling out branches, cutting them up and carrying them to their proper pile, I don’t even have to think about getting in a workout.  It is a workout.  And it is taking a lot longer than I expected.  But, every day I see the results of my efforts.  Removing so many trees and branches is changing the look of the property.  It is getting cleaner and neater and I have already started to think about the new trees, plants and flowers that I want to add next spring.  The same holds true for divorce.  It takes time, energy and a commitment to working hard to “clean up” during and after the transition.  It is messy for quite a while.  Moving forward and reinventing your new, awesome life is going to take a lot of work.  However, the more work you put into it, the greater the results you are going to see.

• You must have a vision and plan to accomplish it.

 I can’t yet imagine what my property will look like. But here is what I know. With so many trees and branches removed, there is far more sun shining down on the house and the lawn than before.   With this increase in sunlight, I know that the grass will be greener and healthier than it has been and the plants that are already there are going to be fuller than ever.  As well, the floor of the woods should now be able to grow a rich, vibrant ground cover because there is so much more light coming through.  I know that this will not happen over the next year.  In fact, this transformation will happen slowly over time.  I will see it evolve each month and season but my full vision won’t manifest without time, and patience.  I’m sure that you can see how divorce is exactly the same.  When I got divorced, I also lost other relationships.  Again, it was messy…so much changed.   It didn’t feel “pretty” for a while, and it took a lot of work to manage the transition. Through it all I had a vision….a plan for what I wanted my life to look like.  At first I didn’t have the answers to “how” I was going to create my ideal life.  But what I did know was that I had to start someplace and I had to take action.  Step by step I moved towards my vision.

• The chaos and “mess” will evolve into something even more beautiful than before.

I have a clear vision of what my property is going to look like over the next few years, even though I can’t stand to look at it right now.  That vision includes beautiful healthy trees and a lush surrounding of woods.  It includes a lawn and landscaping that gets more air, sun and space than ever before, allowing them to prosper and mature into spectacular gardens.  I see it vividly even knowing that it will take time for that vision to occur.  The same has held true for my life after divorce.  Each month, and year, my new life has emerged and evolved.  I have gained new friendships and relationships, even richer and fuller than before.  I have enjoyed new experiences that have allowed me to grow, evolve and mature into the woman that I am meant to be.  There has been more light, love and joy than I could have possibly imagined.  But I couldn’t have seen it then.  I had to have faith and trust.  And so do you.