The D Spot

So, when is the last time you felt angry.  Really angry.

What made you angry…do you know exactly what you were really angry about?

Divorce elicits many emotions, one of the most prominent being anger.   As I have moved through and forward after my own divorce, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my marriage; what had gone wrong, what role did I play and how I would choose to do things differently in my next chapter.

I am not proud of it, but during my marriage, I let anger run rampant in my life.  The more unhappy and dis-empowered I felt in my life, the more anger crept in; in my communication, in my actions and in my behavior.

Anger became the fuel for me to be courageous.  The more I tapped into my anger, the more confident I felt saying what how I really felt and what I really wanted; even if it came out louder and more confrontational than I actually meant.

The problem is that anger makes it almost impossible for the person you are talking with to hear you and to understand what you are saying.  My feelings of frustration and discontent found their voice through anger.  I snapped at my kids, my husband and my family; especially my mother.

I hated that I was irritable and sharp; but while I recognized it, I was unable to do anything about it.   It protected me from the fear, the sadness and the raw truth that lay underneath.

What I hadn’t learned yet is that you don’t have to be angry to be powerful. 

So many of us use anger as fuel to be courageous, honest and to honor how we really feel.  We develop a habit of tapping into anger when we feel fear and discomfort.   The problem is that anger never gets us the result we want and instead, deteriorates our relationships unnecessarily.

Power actually comes from replacing anger and confrontation with assertiveness and compassion.

So how does one accomplish this?

Trust your truth.

Under your anger is the truth of what you feel; but this truth might scare you.  In fact, your truth may be difficult to speak; I know because I have been there myself.  But before you go to the place of anger, trust yourself.  And remember that the truth, your truth, always prevails.

Find a new fuel.

Anger is not a healthy way to gain confidence and courage.  Instead, think back to a time when you acted courageously; when you were brave.  Recall how you felt, how did you find your bravery.  Know that you already have everything you need within you.

Say it with a whisper.

Yes, you heard me.  The quieter your voice, the more powerful your words will be.  And, the lower your voice, the less angry you will become and easier it will be for you to be heard.  Your voice may shake, you may feel extreme discomfort; but you will have a greater chance of saying what you really want to say when the cloak of red, hot and loud anger is removed.

You are powerful beyond measure.  Get rid of the anger and set yourself free.

Do you remember playing Truth or Dare when you were a teenager?  What did you prefer, telling a truth or accepting the challenge of a dare?

To be completely honest, I was afraid of both, which is probably why I avoided this game at all costs growing up.  And all through my marriage I found myself still avoiding both of these options.

But divorce changed all that; it tends to do that.  Moving through and forward after divorce is the fastest way to conquer your fear of speaking your truth and daring to do what you have never done before.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about all the ways that we allow fear to hold us back from what we want and are meant to do.  And I have decided that I will no longer allow it to prevent me from experiencing what I want in my life.

Last weekend I did something that I have wanted to do for a long time but have always made excuses as to why I couldn’t do it.  I participated in my first Warrior Dash.  The Warrior Dash is an obstacle run.  It is a 5K run with about 10 obstacle challenges along the course.

While I take care of myself and am pretty fit, the thought of the Warrior Dash was a little intimidating for me.  And yet, at the same time, it has always looked like something really fun to do.  So in the spring, I posted a call to action on my facebook page to see if anyone would like to do it with me. To be honest, I got a lot of people telling me how fun it looked; but I did not get many who wanted to commit to doing it with me.  Despite the lack of commitment by others, I wasn’t going to give up.

Eventually, a lovely woman who I went to high school with jumped in and said she would love to join; we hadn’t really connected in almost 20 years and I was delighted to seize this opportunity!  Then, a friend and colleagues said she would love to join as well.  By the end of the summer we had six women on our team, three that I had never met before.  We decided to name our team, Dash Divas.

So last weekend, I found myself standing at the Starting Line of my first Warrior Dash with my six Dash Divas, all of us doing something scary for the first time.  And it was a blast!

We were nervous, and excited, and committed to finishing together…leaving no woman behind!  Here we are crossing the finish line!!

I was so proud of myself, so proud of us.  Daring to do something we have all wanted to do;  challenging ourselves to fight through our nerves and our fear!

Life during and after divorce is full of opportunities to dare ourselves to live the life we imagine, and deserve; if we choose to see those opportunities and take advantage of them.

It can be comfortable to stay where we are, even if it is not where we really want to be.  Moving forward is uncomfortable and frightening, but everything you want is on the other side of fear.  And the only way to get there is to step out of your comfort zone.

So, I dare you.

 I dare you to do something you have always wanted to do.

I dare you to look for opportunities that scare you, and to face your fear and do it anyway.

I dare you to be uncomfortable, knowing that what you really want is on the other side of it.

I dare you to speak your truth.

I dare you to push yourself harder than anyone else will.

I dare you to be vulnerable and scared, we all are.

I dare you to take risks, because you will grow from them.

I dare you to let go of what was, because your future is waiting for you.

I dare you to open yourself up to new friends, new experiences and new love.

I dare you to ask for the support you deserve.

I dare you to express your desires out loud.

I dare you do just one thing every day that moves you towards the life you imagine.

I dare you to be YOU…because you are magnificent; you are brilliant, bold and courageous beyond measure.

Together, just like me and my Dash Divas, we will boldly move forward, leaving no woman behind.

You are not alone.  We are in this together!

“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.”
― Betty Friedan

The celebration of freedom and independence means something different to each person.  Until my divorce, I had not really given any real thought to what these two words meant to me.  Yes, I took time to appreciate the freedoms that being an American affords me and on July 4^th, would acknowledge these freedoms with family, friends and fabulous fireworks!

Leading up to and through my divorce, these two words, freedom and independence, took on an entirely new meaning for me.  In fact, it was the exploration of what they meant to me that allowed me to begin to understand what I truly wanted my life to look and feel like.

So here is a little bit about what freedom and independence mean to me and the future I am creating.

I strive every day to fully accept and embrace the gift of life that I possess;  The beautiful vessel that is my body and the magic that is my mind.  It is easy to take these gifts for granted and forget to take care of them.  Being independent and free can only be explored when built on the foundation of good health; physically, spiritually and emotionally.

With my mind, my body and my soul, I am able to do, be and create anything that I want; one step at a time.  The only limitations are those that I put on myself which will only happen if I allow fear to drive my direction.

Freedom for me is being free to express who I am and what I want in a way that honors the magnificence of all human beings.  Not only my lover/partner, children, family and friends, but all those with whom I come into contact.  It is taking responsibility for the way I speak to, the way I act towards and the way I treat others.  Our words and actions have the power to hurt or to heal others and this is a responsibility I take seriously.

Freedom for me is giving myself permission to make choices and decisions in my life that feed my mind, body and soul, and that allow me to continuously grow into the woman I am meant to be.  I am grateful for the gift of choice and use it to surround myself with people who inspire, empower and support me to further evolve and grow.  I recognize that in growing my connection to others who appreciate and respect their freedoms, we are able to share and spread them to even more people.

Freedom for me is standing firmly in my role as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, lover, partner and friend.  It is the ability to define these roles around who I am at my core.  This freedom is the gift of being able to step into each of these roles and ROCK each one!  I love each one of them and together, they become the fabric of who I am as a woman!  I can be exactly the mother I want to be by fully embracing the uniqueness that is me, just as I do with my partner, my family and my friends.

For many years in my marriage I did not feel free; nor did I feel independent as a woman.  It would be easy to say that my husband “controlled” our life, but the reality is that I allowed it; in fact I didn’t do much to assert myself and what I wanted.  Blaming would be easier, but it is not the truth.  I gave up my power, my freedom and my independence with my desire to be a “good” wife and mother.  What I did not understand at the time was that in owning my freedom and my independence, I woud become a stronger, healthier and whole woman and therefore, a more exceptional wife and mother.

While there are many things that I can’t control, my ability to be independent and free is well within my control.  This was one of the greatest lessons I learned from my divorce.

Divorce can often lead us to feel less in control than we really are.  In fact, with all of the emotions divorce can create, feeling paralyzed and unable to embrace our new freedom and independence is common.  Reclaiming our personal power and learning how to embrace our new freedom and independence is a critical part of the divorce journey.

This week, where we celebrate our National Independence Day, I hope you will join me in committing to reclaiming your freedom and your independence.  They are gifts that cost nothing, and open the door to priceless rewards.

Many of you know that over the past few years I have become a passionate football fan.

There is something I love about the masculinity of it, the strategy of it, the strength of it and the excitement of it. Over time I have learned about each team, each quarterback and the strengths and weaknesses of each team. While I don’t have a favorite team, I do have a few that I like more than others and for lots of reasons.

Like many Americans, I have also been intrigued by the young rising star, Tim Tebow, who some are calling “the Chosen One”.

Not knowing much about him, I had the opportunity last week to watch a documentary about him. I was folding laundry (as I usually do on Sundays) and while flipping around the channels, I came across this special just as it was starting.

While it was only an hour, seeing his journey gave me a growing sense of appreciation for this young man and athlete, and I was taken by his courage, tenacity and commitment to his Big Vision; all mirroring my work with women moving through and forward after divorce.

Here are a few tips that I learned from Tim Tebow about creating what comes next:

1.     Set your vision and don’t take your eye off of it.

It is clear from the film that Tim had a vision of being a star football player from a very young age. As he moved farther along his career and eventually through college, he had received almost as many awards, recognitions and accolades as are possible. However, in his quest to be drafted to the NFL, he also realized that none of that mattered. Those achievements were not what would necessarily earn him a place on a major league team.

I thought a lot about this because there are parallels in this to what we experience through and after divorce. I does not necessarily matter what we had, how amazing a spouse we were or what acknowledgement we do or do not get now; what matters is to stay focused on the vision of what our ideal and extraordinary life will be. I was struck by Tim Tebow’s ability at a young age to accept his accomplishments as just that, bu t remain focused on his goals and all that it would take to achieve them. A wonderful lesson for all of us.

2.     Create your “Dream Team”, but even with them, what happens next is up to you.

Through the film you are introduced to all of the experts, professionals and coaches that Tim uses in his preparation for reaching his goal. You are also introduced to his family, especially his father and brother, who support him along every step of his journey. He makes it clear that creating this incredible team of and circle of support is essential for him to gain the information, skills and guidance that he needs to move towards his vision.

However, he also shares that while the team is outstanding; they are not responsible for getting it done. They are not responsible for achieving his goal, and in fact; he alone is.

I found this to be completely in alignment with my philosophy both personally and professionally. I believe that creating a team of experts and circle of support is essential for moving through a nd forward after divorce. But I also believe that no matter how much support we are all receiving, we will not create the lives we are meant to live unless we step fully into owning responsibility for it. If we want something, it is not only up to each of us to get the support we need, but to take responsibility for doing whatever it takes to get it!

3.     There is no shortcut; getting what you want takes tremendous strength, commitment and discipline.

Finally, Tim Tebow shows us through this film, that there is no easy way to get what we want. No money in the world, no amount of popularity and no accolades will guarantee that we will get it. The only way to create what we want and to reach our goals is to do the incredible hard work that is necessary to prepare us to get there.

He dedicated every hour of every day to doing whatever it takes. Training and then training more. Studying, researching, learning…from sun-up to sun-down, Tim put 100% of his time, energy, and attention into his vision. It didn’t matter that the public, the media and football experts around the world doubted his ability and challenged his capabilities. It didn’t matter that friends and fellow athletes were living lives much different to his. It didn’t matter that it wa s grueling work and consumed his life. In the end, he was drafted; and it was not because he was good looking or performed in college. It was because his complete dedication, discipline and mindset were focused on what he wanted.

I was humbled by his work ethic, his commitment and his ability to fight through his own and other people’s limiting beliefs and thoughts to manifest what he wanted. I had not known just how hard he worked for it and I gained a sense of appreciation for him as well as seeing the power of possibility.

When facing the uncertainty of creating a new life after divorce, it is exactly these strategies and attributes that will allow us to be open to the possibility of our potential; and step into the confidence that we can create all that we want.

I am grateful to have stumbled onto this film, it was wonderful! If you have the chance to see this great documentary, I hope you will take the opportunity to watch it!

What is it that keeps us working so hard for the friendships and intimate, love relationship that we so desperately desire?

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of women who are working harder than ever at friendships and relationships that are depleting them of energy, enthusiasm and inspiration.   And yet, despite recognizing that these relationships are exhausting and exasperating, they continue to try harder to do more, be more and say more.

At some point, the exhaustion, frustration and depletion becomes more than they can bear and something momentous happens, changing the relationship forever.

Perhaps it is an affair.  That becomes the catalyst for the ending of a marriage that was not healthy to begin with.

 Perhaps there a fight of epic proportions for which things are said that can never be taken back.

 Or perhaps there is silence.  A silence so great that the hole that is left creates emotions that will take years to heal.

By the time this happens, the wounds are so deep and so painful; they require extreme care to heal.  And usually, the relationship can’t recover from them.

Divorce is often the result of what is not said and done, rather than what is said and done; although many would argue differently.  And by the time a woman comes to me for support, it is hard to get clarity around what she really wants to say…or, wanted to say; wishes she had said.

The same holds true, by the way, for friendships.  There are often parallels between what happens in divorce and what happens in the demise of a close friendship.

Why is this?

Well, if we aren’t saying what we really want and need to say, our partner/friends can’t hear what we really want and need them to hear.

It is not much more complicated than that.

You see, here is the simple truth.  You don’t have to be, do or say anything special to be loved.  Nope.  You just have to be YOU.

Honest you.

Authentic you.

Compassionate you.

Loving you.

Direct you.

Kind you.

Beautiful you.

 YOU…are enough.

You don’t have to buy sexy clothes. You don’t have to prepare fancy meals.  You don’t have to clean your house top to bottom.  Nor do you have to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, your desires or your interests to express your love and devotion.

You…the raw truth of who you are, is perfectly enough. 

Love is meant to be shared, from the inside out.  It is not meant to be earned, bought or judged.  It is simply meant to be felt and shared.

When you find yourself in a relationship or friendship that is causing you to work hard to do, be or say anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are, it is time to come clean.  It is time to say what needs to be said and allow the relationship to grow…or fade.

While this is not an easy thing to do, it is what will lead you to freedom.

Freedom to be the YOU that you are meant to be!

When I got divorced, I remember saying to my mother, “This is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life.” I was sad when I said it, and stuck in the disappointment of my failed marriage. Divorce had definitely not been part of my life plan.

This past week, I had to go for a follow up mammogram after my initial one came back needing “further imaging”. I hadn’t given it much thought until I was headed down to the Smilow Cancer Center at Yale for my follow up visit, when a little voice inside me said “what if they find something?”

Now I am not a particularly big worrier and my approach to life is to cross bridges when I come to them. But at that very moment, alone in the car, I thought to myself, let my divorce be the most challenging transition I ever have to go through. I was afraid.

As it happens, the results were perfect and I am just fine, but the experience got me thinking about where exactly I thought I would be at this point in my life and where I think I am going.

If that were not enough, over the weekend I found out that a friend, not an intimate best friend, but another woman and mother in my town, lost her oldest daughter to a tragic house fire while away at college. I was stunned. My son is going to be 18, soon on his way to college. I just simply can’t imagine her pain and suffering. Again, I found myself grateful for blessing of my healthy and safe children, and the amazing life that I truly do lead.

The truth is that no, I never did think that I would be divorced, raising my kids as a single parent, working hard to secure my financial future, looking at empty nesting as a time to launch my next chapter, and managing far more alone than I thought I would.

Divorce can feel like the old fashioned game of pick up sticks. Remember that game?

After holding the sticks tightly together, you released them with force sending them all over the table. Then, one stick at a time you pick them up, making sure not to touch or move any other stick as you do it.

It took patience and a good strategy for addressing which stick should be picked up first so that none of the others would be affected.

Divorce can feel that way. It can feel as though all of the areas of our lives have been forcibly let go and now are scattered around us waiting to be picked up. And as we begin to create our new lives, everything we do will affect all of the other parts.

And of course, we never expected it. We never imagined while walking down the aisle at our wedding, that our future would include divorce. But today, I am grateful that I do not have breast cancer and my children are healthy and safe.

In fact, I have taken quite a bit of time this week not only to be fully present in my gratitude, but to embrace the incredible control that I have over what comes next.

Divorce has not made me a victim; instead it has given me the gifts of courage, strength, creativity, self awareness, gratitude, love, and control over my destiny.

There are things over which we have control, and there are things that we do not.

This is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life, but it is a glorious place to be. And while I don’t know what my future holds, I do know that I can create it in any way that I want.

Join me in doing a simple exercise that will help you to gain a new perspective on the life magnificent life that you are living.

Take out a piece of paper and write on the top of it, “The Magnificent Stage Upon Which My Life is Built”. Underneath this, write down all of the things that are present in your life today.

If your children are healthy, write down “My children are healthy!”

If you have a home that you live in comfortably, write down “I live in a home that I am comfortable in!”

Perhaps your kids are grown, or you don’t have any, and you are free to live anywhere you want, write down “I can live anywhere I want!”

I want you to list your assets, attributes, and accomplishments. Your abilities, strengths and opportunities.

For those of you who I am or have worked with, you know that a big part of the planning for what comes next and the designing of your new life after divorce, is being able to see and create opportunities and possibilities…even when they “feel” impossible.

Don’t limit yourself to what you can already see, open yourself up to what might be. I know it can be frightening, but just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it is not there!

So no, this is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life, but it is where I am. And I am excited about what the next chapter will look like and the unimaginable joy it will bring!

Most people regard divorce as a major step, not to be undertaken lightly. No surprise there. But here’s where it gets interesting; usually, the people most hurt by the marriage, throughout the marriage, have the greatest difficulty in letting go.

Why should that be?

You’d think – wouldn’t you? – that the more criticism, humiliation and ill treatment someone receives from their partner, the faster they would call time on their marriage. You’d think they’d skip all the way to their lawyer’s office… You’d think, once the divorce was over, they’d just ‘wash that man right out of their hair. End of story.

Sadly, it doesn’t work like that.

Instead, something very strange happens. The worse the treatment was, the more likely the ill treated spouse is to become a ‘hopium addict’. This happens because of a curious, and insufficiently understood mechanism: if someone is prepared to hang around in the marriage and excuse a partner’s bad behavior, they quickly fall prey to hopium addiction.

Hopium addiction – as the name suggests – can be a very hard habit to break

From the outside, it just doesn’t make sense. You’d think someone would be able to see when their partner has stopped caring about their feelings, and their ultimate well being.

You’d expect logic to kick in, and point out to them that their partner has set the relationship on a downward spiral, which simply gathers momentum, with each hurtful episode. You’d expect them to realize that direction isn’t going to change simply because they want it to.

You’d imagine they would compare the enemy they live with, with the lover they married, and get the message that the good times are over.

But, all too often, they don’t.

Instead, they wait for Mr. or Ms. Nasty to ‘flip’ back into the person who was on their best behavior just long enough to woo and wed them. They make endless excuses for the hostile behavior, and they fantasize –endlessly – about having superpowers to, singlehandedly, stop the relationship hurtling towards disaster… Even divorce may not be enough to end their enmeshment with an abusive partner.

Why, oh why do they do it?

Why don’t they see sense?

Remember the saying: “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of” (Blaise Pascal)?

They’d call it love, of course. The truth is far more complicated than that. There’s a lot of anger, and dislike, even loathing that they feel for the spouse they can’t bear to let go of.

Reasons they can’t move on include:

Fear of failure: they tell themselves that since the marriage ended they’ve failed, and the World will see them as failures. Marriage is always a “two-hander”. One partner cannot bear sole responsibility for making the marriage work – however much the other partner projects blame and fault. The World is not privy to what actually happened in the relationship, and the World doesn’t really care. If you had the right to choose your view of the world – and you do have that right – you could divide it into Those Who Judge, and Those Who Care. Which group would you rather associate with, and give credence to? The marriage failed. Actually, you didn’t. Getting out is the only positive, successful thing you could do.

Fear of spending the rest of their life unloved and alone: Obviously, they have yet to realize they will never feel more unloved and alone than they do in a destructive marriage. They have yet to admit to themselves just how desperately unhappy they have been in their marriage. A bad marriage is a prison sentence. Once that marriage ends, the prison door is ajar, but you still have to push it open wide, and walk out, before you can enjoy the sunshine and smell the roses.

Failure to envision a better future: their unhappiness and hopium addiction have put blinders on them. As a result, they have forgotten how to dream. They’ve even forgotten that dreams are free. The ‘future’ they think they see is simply the misery of the past projected forward into infinity. In fact, once they put themselves out of the misery of the relationship, and clear the Misery Mind-set from their head – which is, actually, very doable, given the right help – Life can only get better. And they will find they have a capacity for enjoyment that may well AMAZE them.

“Axe phobia” : “Axe phobia” is the sense of paralyzing foreboding that occurs when you feel you are living with a axe suspended over your head, hanging by a thread. The fear is that if you take action, any action, it will be enough to break that thread, causing the axe to fall straight onto your head.

It’s much more helpful to acknowledge “axe phobia” and react by asking yourself some much better questions like:

• Do I know for a fact that the disaster I fear will happen?
• If I chose to overlook the disaster scenario, what lessons for the future might I learn from this relationship experience?
• What else might my foreboding anxiety mean?

You only have to ask yourself intelligent questions, instead of mindlessly listening to the old doom-and-gloom soundtrack in your head, to arrive at far useful thoughts, and conclusions.

If you’re struggling to let go of a bad marriage cut yourself some slack. It’s perfectly human – and usual, in the circumstances – to feel the way you do. Just bear in mind that doesn’t make your fears and anxieties true. Your fears for the future are simply past experience projected onto the empty screen of the future. Why not choose what you project, and start to project scenarios that will give you more pleasure – and inspire you to create a better life for yourself?

International speaker and writer, Annie Kaszina is rapidly becoming the voice of women who have been in emotionally abusive relationships. Annie helps women to stop treating themselves as second class citizens and settling for abusive relationships, so they can raise their expectations and self-worth, enjoy the happiness they deserve, and create a wonderful relationship with a quality partner. Over the last 10 years, Annie has enabled many hundreds of women to heal from the trauma of Emotional Abuse. If you’re struggling to get over the damage of an emotionally abusive marriage, Annie Kaszina can help. You can find out more here: http://RecoverFromEmotionalAbuse.com, or claim your free copy of: “The Secret Dictionary of Abusive Men” here: http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/go/

As we prepare to enter 2012, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts with you.  You are such an incredible part of my life; I want you to know just how much I appreciate you!

Before I do, I would like to ask you to do something for me.  Take a few moments over the next day or so to find a quiet place, close your eyes and think back to this time last year.  What was going on in your life?  What challenges have you overcome this past year?  What accomplishments have you made?  Reflect on all the joyful moments that you experienced!

Now, take out a piece of paper and make a list of all that happened over the past year to bring you to today.

If your experience is anything like mine, you will be amazed at just how much has happened and how far you have come!

I have never been a fan of resolutions.  I find them to be unrealistic, unachievable and often lacking in intention and motivation.  My business background has made me more comfortable with visioning, setting goals and creating a plan for achieving them.  What I never realized before my own divorce, was how critical this planning process is to our personal lives, not just our professional lives.  So, as you enter the New Year this weekend, hopefully you will indulge yourself in beginning this process for your life!

Wherever you are in your journey, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  And, you have all that you need already within you.  Isn’t that a relief!!!

My hope for you is that this is the year that you acknowledge what is holding you back from your magnificent destiny, and commit to making the changes in your life that will set you free.  You know what I am talking about.  The self-sabotaging behaviors and choices that keep you where you are instead of empowering you to be the woman you are meant to be.

This inner work is not easy, and it can be painful and extremely uncomfortable.  But through this pain and discomfort will come exquisite freedom and unimaginable joy!

You are magnificent!

You are beautiful!

You are stronger than you can possibly imagine!

You are courageous!

You are capable of doing anything you want!

You are not your divorce story.  You are whatever you choose to be.  You can rewrite your story any way that you want.  It is time for you to change it up! Get crazy! Imagine that the impossible is absolutely possible…because it is!  The only thing holding you back…is you.

This is the perfect time for you to step powerfully into being the extraordinary woman that you are!  To reconnect with your purpose, your soul, your truth and your unique talents and gifts!

In 2012, you are free to do, be and create anything you can imagine!

It is all there, waiting for you.  2012 is YOUR year to reclaim a life of abundance, passion, prosperity, wellness, joy, peace and magic!

It continues to be a privilege and pleasure to not only know you, but to serve and support you!  I hope that this year we will enjoy a greater connection and friendship…I am always here for you.  You are never alone!

You can find all of my new events and workshops for 2012 here!

Over Thanksgiving weekend I read a book that I have been wanting to read for a long time.  Called The Last Lecture, this book is a recounting of the final lecture presented by computer science professor Randy Pausch as part of a lecture series at the Carnegie Mellon University.  Randy’s lecture was titled “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”, and although he talked about exactly this, it was far more than that.

Before reading the book, I knew very little about Randy Pausch other than the fact that he had delivered an extraordinary speech before his untimely death at a young age leaving behind his beloved wife and three small children.

It was an easy read and yet, even after reading as many books on personal growth and intentional, positive living as I have, he shared a number of wonderful lessons that I have been thinking about ever since.

The one that resonates the most with me is about perseverance and determination, and yet, is remarkably simple at the same time.  Essentially, nothing that you or I haven’t heard before, but for whatever reason, his presentation of it reinforced my own sense of responsibility and personal power.

Randy says, “Brick walls are there for a reason.  They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

BAM!  What a simple and powerful statement!!

While reading this, I was reminded of just how persistent we must be when we really, truly want something for ourselves.  So often when we come up against our own brick walls, we retreat in fear, frustration or fury.  Instead of remaining committed to our goal and increasing our efforts to reach it, we view the obstacle as too big to overcome, to exhausting to deal with or too much to handle.  You know what I am talking about?

These brick walls are given to us for a reason, and provide us with an opportunity not only to grow, but to review and revise our strategy for moving forward.  It is all in the way that we view them and how we choose to respond to them.

Despite my best attempts, I too find myself occasionally giving up way to quickly and feeling frustrated at experiencing yet another roadblock.    Or, worse, taking the “low and easy road” when responding and making the situation even worse for myself.   Has this ever happened to you?

When going through and moving forward after divorce it can feel like you come up against one brick wall after the other and therefore the challenges also feel insurmountable and your dreams, vision and goals unachievable.   But it is not true!  It is only the lens through which you are looking…a lens that reflects your temporary exhaustion, sadness, fear and frustration!

Randy, through his last lecture, shares with us the gifts that our brick walls have to give.  That they are there to inspire us, to raise our bar and fight through our fears as we push forward and go out and get what we want.  His words are written so that his children will know who he is.  So that they will understand his character and the values that he holds dear.  At the same time that he helps us to reframe how we face our brick walls, he reminds us that our even greater obligation is to remember that we are modeling for and teaching our children and those we love.  How we move forward sets the standard for our children and informs their values.   How we live our life is the legacy we leave our children, our families and our community.

His message is powerful.

Randy’s book reignited a passion in me to focus on my dreams and commit to doing whatever it takes to achieve them.

Whatever your latest challenge, it will not be the last brick wall that you will be faced with.   I hope that now, when it does come, you will choose to view it as an opportunity.  And that you will not only get clear on exactly what you do want, but accept the challenge as a way for you to prove just how badly you want it!

As you embrace your brick walls, please share them so that we can all celebrate your courage, strength and perseverance!

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Joy is a choice.

I recently read this statement in one of Lissa Rankin’s blog posts and loved it.

Although I have seen it before, its truth resonated with me more today than ever before. Perhaps it is because so many of you have been reaching out to me to share your challenges and how often you feel “stuck” and unable to experience the joy you deserve!

I hear your frustration, fear and overwhelm, and while I know that your feelings are very real, I also know that you have a choice in what you are going to do with them. And, the choices you make will, in fact, determine how much joy you can create!

It is hard to believe but the New Year is only six weeks away! Six weeks in which we must let go of what was to make room for what will be. It is in the “letting go” that we often feel so much pain and yet at the same time, it is also the doorway to the joy that we desire.

So, let me ask you this. Do you know what you REALLY want your life to look and feel like? When is the last time you took time out of your day to close your eyes and imagine how you want to spend your time, who you want to spend your time with and what you want to be doing each and every day?

Divorce is an experience that touches every area of life and creates a future where you can expect unexpected and inevitable challenges…and opportunities. Often we cling so tightly to what life before divorce looked and felt like, that we become unable to see the amazing future that lies before us. We end up carrying the “story” of what was into our new future when all the joy and happiness we desire sits there waiting for us to CHOOSE to see it.

Do you ever tell yourself that because of your divorce, you can’t have what you want? Do you tell yourself that it is not possible to create the life that you really desire because you don’t have the time, the resources, or the ability to make it happen?

If so, it is time to leave your voice of limiting beliefs behind as you move towards the New Year; for it is this voice that is choosing pain, and suffering. And, it is time to choose joy.

What if you not only accepted and embraced the inevitable challenges that have and will come your way, but instead look at them as an opportunity to make a new and empowered choice? How would your life be different if every challenge became the door to a new and magical experience?

Life as a divorced woman is complex. Even more so if you have children. Managing your role as a mother, as a professional, as a daughter, sister and best friend, as a sexy and passionate lover and partner, and as a financially independent and abundant woman will inevitably create challenge. And each of these challenges presents an opportunity to practice your gift and power of choice. Here are three tips for tapping into the power of choosing joy:

Pause – when a challenge rears its ugly head; before you speak, act or make any sudden movement, push your inner pause button, take a deep breath and commit to thinking through the options available to you in responding. There are always more solutions than you can imagine.

Flip – before you choose how to respond to any given challenge, flip the situation around. Step into the perspective of each person involved in the situation and reflect on not only how they feel, but what you think they really want. Things are not always what they seem and in understanding other perspectives, you will discover a response that achieves the best possible outcome.

Select – after taking time to pause and reflect, it is time to consider which response you will choose. What is most important in selecting, or CHOOSING your response to a challenge, is to make sure that it meets the high standards that you have set for yourself and that it allows you to move forward in the way YOU want.

Most of us will react instead of strategically responding to any given challenge. And when we react, we give up our power of CHOICE and instead are led to action by emotion and impulsiveness; which often creates more pain, more conflict and regret at not having handled the situation more effectively.

It is in each challenge and your carefully chosen response, that you will discover your greatest strength, courage, and brilliance. Learning to Pause, Flip and Select will allow you to step fully into your power of choice and experience more joy than you can possibly imagine!