The D Spot

As we begin the holiday season this week with the celebration of Thanksgiving, I want to express my sincerest gratitude for you by sharing a few thoughts that I hope  you will take with you as you kick off the holiday season and remember as you move towards the New Year!  I guess you can call these the words that I live by; I am sure there are many more, but these are the ones that I keep near and dear to my heart.

Good is not good enough.

Fear is our greatest challenge.

We don’t really understand one another.

Extraordinary love changes everything.

You can have extraordinary love if you choose to have it.

Children have only one mother and one father.

Candles make everything better;  so does chocolate.

A healthy body leads to a healthy mind.

What happens next is 100% up to you.

The fastest way to get what you want is to let go of what you don’t.

Happiness can come from really small things.

Giving feels better than anything else.

You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

Sex is absolutely necessary; and it rocks!

Dancing will change your mood instantly.

Children are miracles.

You don’t have to forgive, but you must accept.

Time only moves forward, so we must as well.

Love hurts.

Loss hurts.

Transition is uncomfortable.

You are never alone.

Making friends midlife is hard, but we all want to make new friends.

We are not responsible for anyone’s happiness but our own.

We are solely responsible for our own happiness.

You don’t know what you don’t know so educate yourself.

It is impossible to be our own coach and mentor.

Who you spend your time with is critical and has a tremendous influence on your life.

Love yourself more than you love anyone else because when you do, you can give love more deeply and fully than you can even imagine.

Give of your time, energy, and resources to those who need it.

Never stop learning and growing.

Making friends can happen at any age.

Write daily.

Read daily.

Sleep.

Drink lots of water.

People are not usually what they seem.

There is always a reason why people do and say what they do; and it usually isn’t why you think.

Get curious.

Be curious, not confrontational.

Intentional and strategic communication works.

Honesty always prevails.

You don’t have to be angry to be powerful.

Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it is not there.

It is never too late.

How you do anything is how you do everything.

There is no such thing as perfection.

Vulnerability is sexy.

Softness is not weakness.

Be still.

Find quiet so you can hear your own voice.

Speak your truth.

Live intentionally.

Things can always be worse, trust me.

You are magnificent.

You already have all the answers within you.

Your smile is the sexiest part of your body.

Be gentle; with yourself.

Giggle and find your inner silly.

Kiss…a lot!

Hugging feels so awesome and is free. 

So are compliments.

I love you.

I  truly love and believe in you!

Have a loving, joyous and fabulous holiday!

Happy new year!!

I hope you had a lovely holiday season and have moved into the new year filled with a sense of excitement, hope and commitment to making this your best year yet!

I am always amazed at the incredible excitement and motivation that people feel entering the new year and the desire to make major changes to their lives.  I am also amazed when this “commitment” to change and transformation fails to translate into action.

Why is that?

I started my business about two years after my divorce when I decided that it was time to stop talking and start taking action.  I had been in therapy for years by the time I got divorced,  with two appointments a week; one with my husband at the time and one alone.  Therapy was extremely valuable for both of us.

I continued my own therapy for almost a year after we divorced until I reached a moment that I felt done with talking.  I had reflected, explored and analyzed my past choices and now felt ready to take action towards what I really wanted.  I, too, was inspired and committed to change, but recognized that creating change was going to take a lot of work.  I was not going to be able to do it alone.

Recently, one of the amazing women in our D Spot community sent me an email.  She said that she had been reading my emails for years and had just come to the decision that it was time to take action rather than continuing to stay in exactly the same place that she has been in.  I smiled when I listened to her talk, because I had just started writing this note to you and she exemplified exactly what I am talking about.

She is now participating in my What to Expect When You Are Divorcing program so that she can take consistent and massive action towards creating what comes next.  I applaud her courage and commitment!!

So, as we enter 2012, are you simply committed to change or are you prepared to take action?!

Along my own journey I have used every possible resource and tool to support me.  I have my own coach to help me see my big vision, opportunities and possibilities, I set clear goals that reflect the life I truly desire, I take action every day towards achieving those goals, and I embrace a life practice of personal growth so that all of the areas of my life are in a state of constant and never ending improvement!

I have found that the more I invest in myself, and becoming the woman I am meant to be, the richer, fuller and more extraordinary my life and my relationships become.

As we stand at the beginning of a new  year, join me in not only looking forward with great hope and inspiration, but with a plan for action.  Click here and you will find a number of opportunities to do just that.  Whether it is participating in a live event, joining the next free teleclass or taking the bold step of giving yourself the gift of personal coaching, this investment in YOU will result in benefits you can’t even imagine!

I know that there are many of you who are coming out of and regrouping after being in an unhealthy or abusive relationship or marriage, and have found that moving on is not as easy as some would suggest.   Recently I connected with a wonderful woman,  Annie Kaszina, whose work specializes in abuse recovery.  We immediately connected and I asked her if she would share some of her expertise with us.   I am delighted that she wrote a special article for us which I will be posting later this week, so keep your eyes open!

Welcome to 2012…I know that it is going to be your best year yet!!

As we prepare to enter 2012, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts with you.  You are such an incredible part of my life; I want you to know just how much I appreciate you!

Before I do, I would like to ask you to do something for me.  Take a few moments over the next day or so to find a quiet place, close your eyes and think back to this time last year.  What was going on in your life?  What challenges have you overcome this past year?  What accomplishments have you made?  Reflect on all the joyful moments that you experienced!

Now, take out a piece of paper and make a list of all that happened over the past year to bring you to today.

If your experience is anything like mine, you will be amazed at just how much has happened and how far you have come!

I have never been a fan of resolutions.  I find them to be unrealistic, unachievable and often lacking in intention and motivation.  My business background has made me more comfortable with visioning, setting goals and creating a plan for achieving them.  What I never realized before my own divorce, was how critical this planning process is to our personal lives, not just our professional lives.  So, as you enter the New Year this weekend, hopefully you will indulge yourself in beginning this process for your life!

Wherever you are in your journey, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  And, you have all that you need already within you.  Isn’t that a relief!!!

My hope for you is that this is the year that you acknowledge what is holding you back from your magnificent destiny, and commit to making the changes in your life that will set you free.  You know what I am talking about.  The self-sabotaging behaviors and choices that keep you where you are instead of empowering you to be the woman you are meant to be.

This inner work is not easy, and it can be painful and extremely uncomfortable.  But through this pain and discomfort will come exquisite freedom and unimaginable joy!

You are magnificent!

You are beautiful!

You are stronger than you can possibly imagine!

You are courageous!

You are capable of doing anything you want!

You are not your divorce story.  You are whatever you choose to be.  You can rewrite your story any way that you want.  It is time for you to change it up! Get crazy! Imagine that the impossible is absolutely possible…because it is!  The only thing holding you back…is you.

This is the perfect time for you to step powerfully into being the extraordinary woman that you are!  To reconnect with your purpose, your soul, your truth and your unique talents and gifts!

In 2012, you are free to do, be and create anything you can imagine!

It is all there, waiting for you.  2012 is YOUR year to reclaim a life of abundance, passion, prosperity, wellness, joy, peace and magic!

It continues to be a privilege and pleasure to not only know you, but to serve and support you!  I hope that this year we will enjoy a greater connection and friendship…I am always here for you.  You are never alone!

You can find all of my new events and workshops for 2012 here!

Happy belated July 4th!

So, here we are. Last week marked the halfway point of 2011 and what felt like the official start of summer with the long July 4th weekend.

I don’t know about you, but I found myself in a bit of a funk over the holiday weekend this year.

For whatever reason, my weekend had no “mojo”!  And as I took time to sit with my funkiness and reflect on why I was feeling this way, I was once again reminded of the long lasting effect that divorce on our lives.

I spent last Friday in the car driving my youngest son to a lacrosse tournament in Long Island where at the end of the tournament Saturday, my Ex took my son and returned home where he would have my kids for the balance of the weekend.

I tried to stay an extra night in the hopes that I could have a lovely holiday beach day on Sunday, but Mother Nature prevailed and I headed home only to find myself cleaning the house and doing the mundane tasks of laundry, grocery shopping, and errands….mostly feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t have anything “fun” to do!

I am fortunate to be in a relationship with a wonderful man but this was a funk that he didn’t create, nor was capable of or responsible for getting me out of. As he went about doing some of the things he loves (fishing, gardening…), I found myself feeling extremely sad.

Have you ever felt this way?

By Sunday night I had spent some time writing and was beginning to realize exactly what was going on. July 4th, Independence Day, symbolizes not only a weekend of family get-togethers and BBQ’s, but for me, an emphasis on freedom, independence and my right to live the life I imagine and deserve.

This year, with my children as teenagers and only having them half a week, I have been feeling not only their growing independence, but the resulting decrease in time that I see them, coupled with the recognition that the “right” to create my extraordinary life is sometimes daunting and frightening.

Divorce creates a tremendous amount of freedom, but that freedom can feel overwhelming and frightening.

An entire weekend to create fun and fabulous experiences and celebrations, and I had not planned one thing!!!  Well, shame on me!

After my divorce, many of my friendships changed.  Families I once shared holidays with no longer extended invitations to family and holiday get togethers.  My changing social life has required that I open myself up to new friendships and become the iniater of gatherings and celebrations. 

When my children are with me, I am more inspired to create holiday and social plans.   Without them over the July 4th weekend, I suddenly found myself without them or social plans, and I have to admit, I was feeling a bit lonely.  In fact, I was in a absolute FUNK!

Since my divorce, every so often something will trigger that sad, empty and lonely feeling that inevitably causes me to fall into a funk.   I immediately know when I have fallen into the  FUNK,  however happily, I have learned how and know exactly what to do to get myself right out of it!

So, I immediately took action!  I woke up on Monday morning, took a long and wonderful run outside, called a friend so that we could get together and enjoy the sunny day, and then she and I went out for a delicious bloody mary and steamers!

It is all about knowing what to do when we find ourselves in a funk …a funk that can cause us to remain stuck where we are…even paralyzing us from taking action.

Creating “what comes next” is not always easy, but it is ALWAYS in our control!

If you are finding yourself stuck in the sadness and fear, you are not alone.  However, you don’t have to remain there…there are great tools and strategies for pulling yourself right out of it!

If you have been feeling stuck in a funk, I hope you will consider my Summer Coaching Special so that you too can create the life you desire!!!

So, how was your Mother’s Day?  I got lovely email messages from so many friends and colleagues, however it seems as though it was not necessarily a “joyous” day for all of you.

For many, Mother’s Day can bring up sadness and loss, and for others, custody arrangements may not permit them to be with their children.

In the spirit of honesty, I only got to see one of my children on Mother’s Day, the other had a basketball tournament out of state, and Sunday night is the night my Ex has custody of them.  And, despite popular belief, the day I spent with my youngest son, while really nice, was in no way all “butterflies and rainbows”.

In one of the workshops that I did last week a woman interrupted me mid-sentence, and in a fairly contentious way asked how I could mislead the group to whom I was talking.

Huh??

Me, mislead??

She went on to say, “How could you not tell “them” what it will really be like?  That it is unfair, and costly, and challenging, and…..”

Do you get the picture?

I let her finish her thoughts, hearing in her voice the pain of all that she had been through herself.

And for a moment, I thought to myself…do I mislead anyone to think that divorce is somehow all about “rainbows and butterflies”?  That it is easy…or fair?

No.  I don’t.

Just like my own Mother’s Day was not exactly what my ideal day would have been like…it was perfect just the way it was.  It was REAL.

Despite Hallmark’s attempt to lead me to believe that if my children don’t wake me up to a four course breakfast in bed then they are not really good, loving children, I know how much my children love me and they know that I love them…unconditionally, even without a homemade frittata served to me in bed!

Divorce is NOT all about the “butterflies and rainbows”.

It is NOT fair.

It is NOT perfect and surely NOT exactly what we thought our IDEAL life would include.

However, it is REAL.

It is the way it is.

It is also an opportunity to design an ideal life for ourselves.  It is a catalyst for transformation, reclaiming ourselves and deliberately creating what we want our life to look and feel like.

We can cling to the notion that life is unfair and that we are victims of our circumstance…but that is not really true and it will get us nowhere…fast.

We CAN, however, CHOOSE to open ourselves up to what comes next…even if it frightening, overwhelming and uncomfortable!  It is in this journey that we will find the greatest growth, and ultimately, the greatest joy!

I am right there with you…designing what comes next and open to all of the possibilities that present themselves!

So, how was YOUR Mother’s Day?  Was it REAL?!   I am eager to hear how you chose to celebrate the day the incredibly important role you play as a mother yourself or the daughter of a wonderful woman!

So, this weekend is Father’s Day!

If you are separated or divorced, this is a day that can be filled with anxiety, frustration, anger and all kinds of emotions.

What I want to stress to you today is that no matter what kind of man/”ex” your children’s father is…he is still their father and they need him desperately!

· Regardless of what your children say
· Regardless of what he does
· Whether or not he pays, honors his obligations or is a kind/decent person

Your children need him!

Having your children disappointed in their father, guilty for loving him or afraid to tell you how they really feel for him will only close the door of trust and communication between you and them.

They need to be allowed to:

· love him
· spend time with him
· define their own relationship with him
· share their feelings and emotions about him with you in a safe and trusting way
· learn how to communicate with him

There is nothing that can come between your relationship with them except for your own insecurities and emotions about your “ex”.

So, here are my tips for you on this Father’s Day:

1. It’s not about you!

I don’t mean to sound offensive, but Father’s Day is not about how YOU feel about your Ex. It’s about your children. If your children have a good relationship with their father, then regardless of whose “day” it is, they should have the opportunity to spend time with him on this day. If they have a distant or unhealthy relationship with their father, then this is a day that will be filled with all kinds of emotions for them. They will need your strength, compassion and understanding.

2. Create a safe and trusting environment for communication.

Set a new pattern this year by opening the door to non-judgmental conversation about how they would like to celebrate father’s day. Would they like to see their father? What would they like to do on father’s day with their dad?

If they have a poor relationship with him, what would make them feel better? Perhaps a call or a card? The most important thing will be for you to LISTEN and NOT offer any feedback or opinion. Just an acknowledgement of what they feel and what they want.

3. Focus on the good.

This would be a great time for you to try and focus on the “good” parts of their father. Is he gentle? Is he creative? Is he generous with them? If you can find and acknowledge the good in your “ex”, you may be surprised that he might be able to rise to the occasion. Perhaps sharing with him that ” your children miss him and want very much to spend a bit of time with him…how could you support that?” The outcome may surprise you!

4. Celebrate your own father…their Grandfather.

Part of Father’s Day is also celebrating your own father…your children’s grandfather! Make sure that when you are scheduling the day and making time for your children to be with their father, that you also schedule in time to be with your father. If my children are going to spend the day with their dad…I always make arrangements with him to bring the kids to have breakfast/brunch with my father before I drop them off with him. We do the same on Mother’s Day….my children spend time with their dad and his family before or after they spend time with me.

5. Reward your maturity!

Congratulations! You have put your children’s emotions ahead of your own and taken a HUGE step in building trust and closeness between you and them! While they are out with their father, do something wonderful for yourself to acknowledge what you have done to support and encourage the very special bond between father and child.

No matter what the relationship between you and your “Ex”, your children need to know that you respect and honor their relationship with him and that you are not threatened by their love for him! It is something they will take with them for the rest of their lives!

Lastly, as a parent, it is your job to raise children that are unselfish and attentive to the feelings of others. Encourage them to call their father, buy a gift or card for him and acknowledge that it is a day to celebrate him. Just as they want to be celebrated on their birthdays and special milestones, they need to also put others first at different times during the year!

By the way…my kids won’t see my father this year on Father’s Day…but not because I don’t work this through with my ex-husband, but because my parents are out of town!