The D Spot

There is nothing that can be more painful, and empowering, than healing from and moving forward after divorce.  And more specifically, from the process of understanding what really happened.

  Not just looking back and re-living the awful behavior of our partner; the infidelity, the verbal abuse, the self-centeredness, the insensitivity, the lack of  passion, lack of attention and inability to partner fully, but understanding the real reasons that things didn’t work out in the first place.

I knew early on in my marriage that mine was  not the right marriage, or relationship, for me.  Of course I didn’t know it intellectually, but rather way, deep down inside; in a place thickly covered by fear, sadness, disappointment, and a desire to make it work as I believed I was supposed to do.

Many years later, as my courage, confidence and shear unhappiness allowed me to set my “knowing” free and eventually divorce, I found myself in the process of moving forward after divorce.  And even my “knowing” that divorce was the right thing for us did not prevent the pain, the sadness and the exhaustion of doing the hard work of understanding what happened, so that I could begin to create the life I truly did want.

Initially this process began with the comfort of fully exploring (elaborating) and accepting all of the things that my husband had done to prevent our marriage from working.  All of his inadequacies, his imperfections and his inability and unwillingness to do what it would take to make it a salvageable relationship.

After all, his choices, his behavior and his lack of contribution to the solution was the “real” reason for the divorce, wasn’t it?

My friends and family were perfectly happy discussing (over and over again), how imperfect he was.  How at fault he was.  Clearly they all could see the truth as well.  Or, what I realize now, was their attempt to make me feel better by perpetuating the justification of why I made the right decision.

As I began to create my new, empowered, and “ideal” life, I began to let go of my sadness, my anger and my frustration with beginning anew, and instead, embrace it.  And as I did, with the help of my own amazing coaches and new friends, I also began to question if I had been truly honest about what really happened in our relationship and marriage. It was pointed out to me that I had never asked myself the most important question of all, what role had I played in it not working out?

And so I did.

What I learned is that it is in answering this question that the greatest amount of healing is done.  The self-exploration around how I had contributed to the dynamic of our relationship was ultimately the key to having everything I want.  And it in no way marginalized, diminished or condoned the role my husband played.  The truth; there wasn’t anything either one of us could have done to make the relationship or marriage work, for many reasons.  But I now understand exactly what I want to receive and what I want to bring to the table in a new relationship.

It isn’t easy to ask the question, “what did I do?”, because it forces us to face our own inadequacies and imperfections.  And if you did not initiate your divorce, and don’t fully understand what happened, this will be particularly painful.  I strongly recommend that you get the kind of support you need and deserve to do this self-exploration in a safe and comfortable way.

So, if you haven’t asked yourself this question, why not?

•  Is it that you feel that you, in no way, deserved the kind of treatment you have gotten from your Ex so no matter what you did, it is irrelevant?
   
• Is it that his/her infidelity or abusive behavior far exceeds anything you might have contributed so anything you did is insignificant relative to how horrible you have been treated?
   
• Or is it that when married, no matter what we contribute, there is an “obligation” to stay in the marriage and make it work?  Especially for the children?

 Here’s the truth; the greatest gift you can give yourself is to understand your role in the demise of your relationship and marriage, despite what your Ex has done.  Not only will this set you free, but it is the way to begin the process of letting go of what was to make room for what will be. 

I am in no way saying that this is easy, far from it.  But it is in this journey to understanding that true healing becomes possible.

“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.”
― Betty Friedan

The celebration of freedom and independence means something different to each person.  Until my divorce, I had not really given any real thought to what these two words meant to me.  Yes, I took time to appreciate the freedoms that being an American affords me and on July 4^th, would acknowledge these freedoms with family, friends and fabulous fireworks!

Leading up to and through my divorce, these two words, freedom and independence, took on an entirely new meaning for me.  In fact, it was the exploration of what they meant to me that allowed me to begin to understand what I truly wanted my life to look and feel like.

So here is a little bit about what freedom and independence mean to me and the future I am creating.

I strive every day to fully accept and embrace the gift of life that I possess;  The beautiful vessel that is my body and the magic that is my mind.  It is easy to take these gifts for granted and forget to take care of them.  Being independent and free can only be explored when built on the foundation of good health; physically, spiritually and emotionally.

With my mind, my body and my soul, I am able to do, be and create anything that I want; one step at a time.  The only limitations are those that I put on myself which will only happen if I allow fear to drive my direction.

Freedom for me is being free to express who I am and what I want in a way that honors the magnificence of all human beings.  Not only my lover/partner, children, family and friends, but all those with whom I come into contact.  It is taking responsibility for the way I speak to, the way I act towards and the way I treat others.  Our words and actions have the power to hurt or to heal others and this is a responsibility I take seriously.

Freedom for me is giving myself permission to make choices and decisions in my life that feed my mind, body and soul, and that allow me to continuously grow into the woman I am meant to be.  I am grateful for the gift of choice and use it to surround myself with people who inspire, empower and support me to further evolve and grow.  I recognize that in growing my connection to others who appreciate and respect their freedoms, we are able to share and spread them to even more people.

Freedom for me is standing firmly in my role as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, lover, partner and friend.  It is the ability to define these roles around who I am at my core.  This freedom is the gift of being able to step into each of these roles and ROCK each one!  I love each one of them and together, they become the fabric of who I am as a woman!  I can be exactly the mother I want to be by fully embracing the uniqueness that is me, just as I do with my partner, my family and my friends.

For many years in my marriage I did not feel free; nor did I feel independent as a woman.  It would be easy to say that my husband “controlled” our life, but the reality is that I allowed it; in fact I didn’t do much to assert myself and what I wanted.  Blaming would be easier, but it is not the truth.  I gave up my power, my freedom and my independence with my desire to be a “good” wife and mother.  What I did not understand at the time was that in owning my freedom and my independence, I woud become a stronger, healthier and whole woman and therefore, a more exceptional wife and mother.

While there are many things that I can’t control, my ability to be independent and free is well within my control.  This was one of the greatest lessons I learned from my divorce.

Divorce can often lead us to feel less in control than we really are.  In fact, with all of the emotions divorce can create, feeling paralyzed and unable to embrace our new freedom and independence is common.  Reclaiming our personal power and learning how to embrace our new freedom and independence is a critical part of the divorce journey.

This week, where we celebrate our National Independence Day, I hope you will join me in committing to reclaiming your freedom and your independence.  They are gifts that cost nothing, and open the door to priceless rewards.

One of the first questions that I ask every woman I talk or work with is, “So, what is it that you really want?”

No, not what you think you should want. Not what you feel you are supposed to want. Not what your family, friends or children want for you…but what do YOU want?

So often this is a question that drives the answer, “I don’t know”. And here is what I say to that; I don’t believe you.

It’s not that I think you are lying, but rather, it is that I don’t think you are telling the truth…your truth. The truth that lies deep down inside where we keep our desires, our fantasies and our passions. It is the truth that we are so often afraid to speak because we fear the consequences of it. That if we speak it….say it out loud…that someone we love won’t be happy with us, will be angry with us, will leave us or let us go, or simply won’t love us anymore.

Many of you share your truth with me and when I ask you what is holding you back from sharing it with the people in your life who are supposed to love you the most, you tell me that you are afraid of what will happen. That you are waiting for 100% certainty that what you know you want is really what you want; and that it will be okay.

Here’s the skinny; it will be okay. And, you absolutely do know exactly what you want; even if you are afraid of saying it out loud.

However, if you haven’t created relationships that are built on the complete truth of who you are, how you feel and what you want, there will be discomfort with shifting to a life that is.

• You may hurt someone you love…unintentionally.
• You may lose relationships.
• You may feel alone or insecure with finally embracing and speaking what you know you really want deep down inside.

I believe that many divorces are caused by one of the individuals within the marriage being scared to speak the truth about how they feel as they grow and evolve. So they don’t. And as a result of NOT speaking this truth, the relationship is built on a lack of complete honesty. And it is impossible to co-create an extraordinary relationship…together, when the truth is not present.

Some of us have been the ones to struggle with how to speak our truth when we know it may hurt someone we care about and that it may end a relationship.

Some of us have been on the receiving end of hearing the truth from someone we love. And it did hurt. But knowing that truth, over the long run, allowed us to move forward in understanding our own.

Sometimes this truth is cause for a marriage/relationship to end. But sometimes, this truth allows us to grow closer, to grow and evolve, and to co-create something even stronger and deeper.

What makes it even more complicated is that once we own our truth, it can be extremely frightening and difficult to communicate it in a way that is compassionate and kind. And so again, so many choose to avoid it altogether and hope it goes away. The trouble is, we, at our core, always know how we feel and what we want, even if we try to ignore it. It doesn’t go away. And there is a way to communicate our truth in a way that will get us exactly what we desire in life and in love.

Building relationships where both individuals are freely speaking their truth is the only way to have a sustainable and extraordinary relationship.

When you build a life around YOUR truth; with friends, with your children, with family and in love, you will experience a freedom, peace and harmony that you may have never experienced. All it takes is learning how to speak it.

So, let me ask you, what would it mean if you were free to live your life the way you wanted and honor how you really feel? What if you gave yourself permission to speak your truth in all of your relationships?

I don’t know about you, but there were a lot of thoughts running around my head as I read the Fifty Shades trilogy.

Yes, I am aware that they are a fun, erotic series of novels and that, of course, not one that can possibly be based in reality…or can it?

The truth is that while they are in fact perhaps exaggerations of what we define as “real” or appropriate, they are exactly that…exaggerations. Exaggerations built on thoughts that you and I often think and feel, deep down inside. Things like:

• Can sex be that passionate and crazy good?
• How much “experimentation” is “normal”?
• Am I a freak if I want to try a little bit of “that” (just a little!)…under “appropriate” circumstances?
• There is no way that a man like that could fall madly in love with a woman like that?
• Is it possible that a man could ever love me that much?
• Could I ever love a man that much?

The list goes on and on…and that is why this trilogy has skyrocketed to the best seller list. It opens the door to our imagination, our passion, and our possibilities.

One of the most significant lessons that I took from these books is what I know already to be true; that it is critical to speak our truth, no matter how afraid or how vulnerable we feel.

James, in her trilogy, created characters Christian and Anastasia, as dramatic exaggerations of what could be any two individuals that are seemingly so different from each other.

Christian Grey “seems” at first to be a sexual deviant, an abusive, crazy and “narcissistic” man. And yes, he is extreme (controlling, sexually “out there”, and self-centered)…for you and I. However, when viewing him through a lens of curiosity and compassion, Anastasia finds a man who has been deeply wounded, is carrying “fifty shades of baggage”, and ultimately, wants to love and be loved, but has no idea of what healthy love looks like. Of course, this is shrouded in over the top dominant scenarios and crazy drama throughout the book.

What I am talking about are the underlying messages. Shown through the relentless pursuit of Anastasia to understand him and extract his truth.

Anastasia is just the opposite. With no experience at love, intimacy or sex of any kind, she is simply nervous, excited, scared, curious and vulnerable. However, she is also smart and confident. And while she is also ultimately looking to love and be loved, she navigates being open to what she doesn’t know and understand, with caution, safe boundaries and her truth.

There is tension between them, not only sexually, but because in honoring their own individual truths, they learn that they will have to share their fears, their vulnerabilities and their deepest desires.

It is never easy to share with someone we care about what our deepest truth is. It takes courage, clarity and risk. Risk that the other person will be angry with us; that they will judge us; that they won’t love us. These fears often cause us to turn and flee, abandoning our truth and ultimately placing us in a situation we don’t really want at our core.

Christian and Anastasia take the risk; albeit painfully. And, they eventually reap the reward for it. But the messages are clear:

• get clear on what your deepest truth is
• be prepared to set boundaries that honor your truth but allow for growth; then,
• honor your boundaries; with kindness and compassion
• extraordinary love only comes when we share our truth; our fears, vulnerabilities, and deepest desires

So, do you know what your deepest truth is?

What holds you back from speaking your truth?

What is it that keeps us working so hard for the friendships and intimate, love relationship that we so desperately desire?

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of women who are working harder than ever at friendships and relationships that are depleting them of energy, enthusiasm and inspiration.   And yet, despite recognizing that these relationships are exhausting and exasperating, they continue to try harder to do more, be more and say more.

At some point, the exhaustion, frustration and depletion becomes more than they can bear and something momentous happens, changing the relationship forever.

Perhaps it is an affair.  That becomes the catalyst for the ending of a marriage that was not healthy to begin with.

 Perhaps there a fight of epic proportions for which things are said that can never be taken back.

 Or perhaps there is silence.  A silence so great that the hole that is left creates emotions that will take years to heal.

By the time this happens, the wounds are so deep and so painful; they require extreme care to heal.  And usually, the relationship can’t recover from them.

Divorce is often the result of what is not said and done, rather than what is said and done; although many would argue differently.  And by the time a woman comes to me for support, it is hard to get clarity around what she really wants to say…or, wanted to say; wishes she had said.

The same holds true, by the way, for friendships.  There are often parallels between what happens in divorce and what happens in the demise of a close friendship.

Why is this?

Well, if we aren’t saying what we really want and need to say, our partner/friends can’t hear what we really want and need them to hear.

It is not much more complicated than that.

You see, here is the simple truth.  You don’t have to be, do or say anything special to be loved.  Nope.  You just have to be YOU.

Honest you.

Authentic you.

Compassionate you.

Loving you.

Direct you.

Kind you.

Beautiful you.

 YOU…are enough.

You don’t have to buy sexy clothes. You don’t have to prepare fancy meals.  You don’t have to clean your house top to bottom.  Nor do you have to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, your desires or your interests to express your love and devotion.

You…the raw truth of who you are, is perfectly enough. 

Love is meant to be shared, from the inside out.  It is not meant to be earned, bought or judged.  It is simply meant to be felt and shared.

When you find yourself in a relationship or friendship that is causing you to work hard to do, be or say anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are, it is time to come clean.  It is time to say what needs to be said and allow the relationship to grow…or fade.

While this is not an easy thing to do, it is what will lead you to freedom.

Freedom to be the YOU that you are meant to be!

As we prepare to enter 2012, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts with you.  You are such an incredible part of my life; I want you to know just how much I appreciate you!

Before I do, I would like to ask you to do something for me.  Take a few moments over the next day or so to find a quiet place, close your eyes and think back to this time last year.  What was going on in your life?  What challenges have you overcome this past year?  What accomplishments have you made?  Reflect on all the joyful moments that you experienced!

Now, take out a piece of paper and make a list of all that happened over the past year to bring you to today.

If your experience is anything like mine, you will be amazed at just how much has happened and how far you have come!

I have never been a fan of resolutions.  I find them to be unrealistic, unachievable and often lacking in intention and motivation.  My business background has made me more comfortable with visioning, setting goals and creating a plan for achieving them.  What I never realized before my own divorce, was how critical this planning process is to our personal lives, not just our professional lives.  So, as you enter the New Year this weekend, hopefully you will indulge yourself in beginning this process for your life!

Wherever you are in your journey, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  And, you have all that you need already within you.  Isn’t that a relief!!!

My hope for you is that this is the year that you acknowledge what is holding you back from your magnificent destiny, and commit to making the changes in your life that will set you free.  You know what I am talking about.  The self-sabotaging behaviors and choices that keep you where you are instead of empowering you to be the woman you are meant to be.

This inner work is not easy, and it can be painful and extremely uncomfortable.  But through this pain and discomfort will come exquisite freedom and unimaginable joy!

You are magnificent!

You are beautiful!

You are stronger than you can possibly imagine!

You are courageous!

You are capable of doing anything you want!

You are not your divorce story.  You are whatever you choose to be.  You can rewrite your story any way that you want.  It is time for you to change it up! Get crazy! Imagine that the impossible is absolutely possible…because it is!  The only thing holding you back…is you.

This is the perfect time for you to step powerfully into being the extraordinary woman that you are!  To reconnect with your purpose, your soul, your truth and your unique talents and gifts!

In 2012, you are free to do, be and create anything you can imagine!

It is all there, waiting for you.  2012 is YOUR year to reclaim a life of abundance, passion, prosperity, wellness, joy, peace and magic!

It continues to be a privilege and pleasure to not only know you, but to serve and support you!  I hope that this year we will enjoy a greater connection and friendship…I am always here for you.  You are never alone!

You can find all of my new events and workshops for 2012 here!

Since the Debt Ceiling Debate a week ago, there has been nothing short of scary, unpleasant, negative and downright disempowering news everywhere you turn.

Would you agree?

I have to say, if I were one to listen to all of the reasons why the economy is in trouble, why we could be falling into a deeper recession, why it will be more difficult to find work, make money and stay afloat…YIKES! I would probably sit home under the covers and believe that this is as good as it’s going to get.

What a horrible scenario.

Well, here is the good news! I DON’T have to listen!

You heard me correctly, I don’t have to listen. And neither do you.

I don’t have to listen to either party explain why their plan is better than the “other guy’s”. I don’t have to listen to the doom and gloom predictions about the job market and economy. I don’t have to listen to how much more it is going to cost me in tax increases or how many benefits I am going to lose over my lifetime.

What I choose to listen to is up to me! It is my choice….just like it is yours.

I recognize that I am in control of what comes next. I am in control of my financial future. I am in control of where I want to live, how I want to live and the quality of the relationships that I create in my life.

I hear it time and time again:

I can’t because…
There’s no way that I can…
It’s just not possible…
You don’t understand…

So many of us tend to lead with the many reasons why we “can’t” do, be or create what we want, we have sabotaged ourselves before we even begin!

Just because the unemployment rate is up and the job market is down doesn’t mean that you can’t or won’t get a job. Just because someone says that you are too “picky” to find your ideal partner doesn’t mean that you won’t meet a fabulous mate!

Just because someone said it doesn’t make it true!!

You don’t have to listen to all of the voices giving you messages that take your focus off of what you want your life to look like!

It may be your mother;
Your Ex
Your best friend;
The guy you’re dating;
Your boss;
Your sister…
You don’t have to listen!

The journey through divorce can open up the door to all kinds of disempowering and negative voices and messages.  Mainly because there are so many emotions involved and in contentious divorces, there can be “scare” tactics that involve painting unpleasant scenarios that are meant to not only provoke decisions that are not well thought out, but project a disempowered future.

Here are three tips for choosing whether to listen….or not:

If you can’t control it, don’t waste your energy and attention focusing on it. 

The Debt Ceiling Debate is a perfect example. With the exception of calling your local politicians during the past two weeks, there was almost nothing that you or I could do about the negotiations at the White House. Rather than consume your time, energy and attention on it, your focus is better spent on working towards creating your new and wonderful life!

If you have a disempowering thought, ask yourself…is it true? If you can’t find evidence of its truth, let it go.

If your parents tell you that you won’t find a job in this economy and that you should take anything that will pay you, ask yourself, is this true? Is it true that you absolutely will NOT find a job? Is it true that there is not ONE job available? If you can’t prove this to be true, then it is time to let go of this disempowering thought and instead focus on what steps you can take that will increase your chances of getting a job that you love.

Consider the source. Before you accept what you have or will hear, ask yourself if you value the thoughts and opinions of the person delivering the message.

If you are out socially and another mother shares with you that children of divorce are never okay and that they grow up feeling “broken”, ask yourself if you like, admire or value her? Before you react or defend her messages, consider the source and decide whether or not it is worth responding. You not only can choose NOT to listen, you can also choose NOT to spend time again with her.

What you listen to is your choice, so choose wisely.

The celebration of July 4th this year really got me thinking!

Last month, a 20 year old young man from my town was killed in Afghanistan while serving our country. Upon hearing the news, I was overwhelmed by the loss of such a young soldier and gratitude for his ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and independence.

As we moved into the July 4th holiday weekend, I found myself doing more than my usual reflecting on this celebration of independence and what that really means to me.

The more I thought, the more I found that there is a deep connection between independence, freedom and divorce. And that it all truly begins within ourselves.

From a bigger perspective, I am profoundly aware of what it means to be free and independent of a government or dictatorship that strips us of our rights to speak freely, choose freely and live the life we desire. The recent loss of this young man confirms just how fortunate I am to have this freedom and how grateful I am to have it protected.

But as the holiday weekend continued, I found myself reflecting on the freedoms I have in my own life and what exactly independence means to me.

To help me, I first looked up the true definition of independence, which is “freedom from control or influence of another or others” and from there a flood of thoughts entered my mind.

I want to share with you some of the reflections that I had as I spent time journaling and exploring the relationship between divorce and independence/freedom:

1.   I am grateful to have the RIGHT to choose exactly how I want to live my life.

During the final stages of my marriage, I was often filled with an intense desire to break free of what I felt was a relationship and life that did not allow me to live the life I truly wanted. What I have learned since my divorce is that we all have the right to live the life we imagine and deserve, regardless of circumstance. And we have the power to do exactly that.

These years since my divorce have taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to choose and deliberately create the life I want to live. Not only is it my right, but it is a choice that I make each and every day remembering that there are people in the world who do not have that choice. I am grateful for this freedom.

2.   Freedom sometimes comes at a cost.

Getting divorced eliminated the “excuse” that my marriage prevented me from living my ideal life and the freedom to create my next chapter. While my divorce gave me the freedom to choose and took away this excuse, it also put the power of “what comes next” directly into my hands. No more excuses.

Since my divorce, I have learned what it means to be free to choose and to make decisions that will shape the direction of my life. What I never anticipated was what it would mean to make these many decisions and the challenges that come with complete freedom. Having complete freedom can also come with fear, insecurity and doubt, which left me taking time to explore, understand and learn how to manage this incredible new independence.

3.   Freedom can be overwhelming and frightening.

I was unprepared for the level of fear, insecurity and doubt that would come with my new freedom and independence. It was overwhelming. I felt “uneducated” for the decisions that I would need to now make, incompetent to make them, and insecure about how to move forward.

This “freedom” that once beckoned for me was now scaring me to death! Even these many years later, armed with the knowledge, confidence and skills as a coach, educator and author…I still have moments fear and doubt as I move to design my future. Only now I embrace these feelings and use them to face my fears and take control of my own destiny.

4.   Independence is at the core of creating our new lives after divorce.

It wasn’t long after my divorce that I began to understand what “personal independence” meant to me. It was financial independence, social independence, parental independence, romantic independence, professional independence…in fact; this independence began to weave itself into self reliance.

While searching for support to understand and take control of this overwhelming transition, I decided to try out this thing called a “life coach”.  And she changed my life. Instead of facing this daunting independence and self reliance alone and overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, I now began to face each piece of my new future with a plan for taking action towards designing my new life.

5. Independence can be taught and learned.

Working with my life coach was the first step towards my “education” in deliberate creation. Having never heard these words, I could not imagine what they meant?  However, my journey began by appreciating, understanding and assuming responsibility for my freedom and independence. It was brilliant!

This “education” has not only allowed me to create the life I lead…a life of joy, happiness, fulfillment and purpose, but to share it with others through the D Spot.

My divorce was the catalyst for massive change in my life, but more than anything, it gave me the motivation to learn how to live an ideal life. And now I get to share this with you!

I know that you must be thinking that I have taking this July 4th, Independence Day thing to an entirely crazy level! And you may be right!

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves taking what has always been an ordinary and common place occurrence, and experiencing it in a whole new way. This is what happened to me this year over the long holiday weekend!

I felt obliged to share it with you in the off chance that you may be having or will have a similar experience.

If you did, I hope you will share it with me so that we can, together, move through the life changing transition of divorce and create our ultimate destiny!!!