The D Spot

I decided to write this to you on June 21, the longest day of the year…the summer solstice! It also happens to be the day of my son’s 8th grade graduation!

I watched as he stood to be recognized and was surprised at just how emotional I got.

He is my youngest child, and as I saw he and his friends celebrating their conclusion of middle school, I couldn’t help but feel the days, weeks, months and years slipping by so very quickly.

Where has the time gone?

It has been almost 7 years since my divorce and at moments, the pain is still as great as it was when it first happened. As I sat in the sea of parents during the graduation ceremony, I was again reminded of how I never imagined that I would get divorced when I walked down the aisle at my wedding so many years ago.

It is in these moments, or milestones, that I feel the loss of what was….what could have been….what was “supposed” to be.

And yet, even with these emotions that surface every now and again, I am also aware of how my divorce was, in the end, a blessing.

My relationship with my ex-husband was not ideal for me. And it was not exceptional. In fact, my divorce allowed me to find the inner joy and happiness that I so desperately sought while I was married.

No, I never wanted a divorce…who does? But it was the best thing for me, as a woman.

There is both sadness and nostalgia at every event that celebrates our children, because there is no one else that will feel the same depth of emotion about them other than me except their father. It is that bond as their parents that will always be there.

But, after shedding a few tears and allowing the moment to pass, I realized that I am incredibly happy in my new life. I love my relationship with my children. I love that I have created a life around all that I am and all that I want to be. I could not do that while in my marriage.

So, another milestone goes by and I now have both of my children in high school. It won’t be long until they are heading off to college, to begin their own exceptional lives.

And while I wish I could slow down time…I also know that these next few years with them will be full of growth for all of us, and it is exciting! It is my job to model for them what it means to live a life of joy and fulfillment, deliberately creating exactly what you want. To do that, I again re-commit myself to being a happy, whole and healthy woman and mother.

For those of you who have enjoyed graduations, moving up ceremonies and other milestones for your children this spring, CONGRATULATIONS! And, I hope you know that it is normal and appropriate to feel a mixed bag of emotions….for that is the real deal of divorce!

Embrace all of them, and join me in re-committing to taking care of YOU so that you can be the best possible woman and mother you can be!!!

Shared custody.

This sounded fair at the time, especially because I respect and encourage a strong and healthy relationship between my two boys and their father and believe that shared custody is in the best interests of all children wherever possible.

However knowing that it is “fair” and that it is the custody arrangement that is in the best interest of my children meant nothing when it was time for them to go to their father’s for the first time.  I watched them go knowing that I would not see them again for four days.  As they pulled out of the driveway the tears began to fall.

Four days.  Four days without my children.  How was I going to bear the lonliness of it? I was overwhelmed with the loss of what I had always wanted, to be a mother 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  Now what?

I made it through the first week…barely, and then the second.  Each week became a little easier as I started filling up my time with friends, meetings, appointments, errands and anything that I could do to make the empty feeling go away.

Well that was almost 7 years ago.  And over time I have come to (dare I say) enjoy having a bit of free time to reconnect to myself,  enjoy new relationships, spend time with friends and work on my business without it taking away from time with my children.

Sharing your children with your Ex is something that is part of divorce.  But you never get used to it.

You never get used to going to sleep at night knowing that your children’s beds are empty in their rooms.  You never get used to missing the opportunity to take care of them when they are sick in the middle of the night.  You never get used to going entire days without seeing or speaking to them.

I have come to feel GRATEFUL for the invention of texting technology. Yes, I said it.  Texting.  While my oldest son is now driving and I am scared to death of the texting while driving statistics, I am still grateful for the technology that allows me to communicate with them anytime, day or night.

If you have teenagers, you realize that they only want to talk with you and hang out with you when it is convenient for them and they are interested, which is not often.  Because divorce often includes shared custody, this already small amount of time they are interested in talking to you is made even less by having them only part the week.

When they were small, I would only be able to speak to them on the phone when they were with their father if the timing worked out, otherwise I could go a few days without seeing or speaking to them.  And I missed my children terribly.

With cell phone technology and the invention of texting, the game changed.  Yes I call them whenever I want to hear their voices, but again, teenagers only answer the phone when they want to.  They, too, screen their calls and mom doesn’t always make the list.  However,  I have come to learn that they always read their text messages!

So now I get to say “Good morning, have a great day today!” every morning.  And I get to send them goodnight wishes and kisses every night.  I even send them random, “I love you” texts during the day when I am feeling the ache of missing them.

The truth is that they don’t always text me back. Sometimes they are in the mood to talk and call me back instead of texting.   But I know that they always read my text messages.   And they know that I am thinking about them and loving them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

And while it is not a substitute for seeing them, it allows me to share my love, support, humor, and often pertinent information with them directly and often.

We don’t need permission to connect to our children.  We don’t need to have custody of our children every day to connect to them.   All we need to do is love them and let them know it, any way we can.

Oh, and the answer to the question?  NO.  You never get used to sharing your children, not even with your Ex.  But, the joy of technology means that there are more and more ways to connect with them while you are apart.

If  you have found creative ways of connecting with your children when they are with your Ex, I welcome and encourage you to share them with us!

So, how was your Mother’s Day?  I got lovely email messages from so many friends and colleagues, however it seems as though it was not necessarily a “joyous” day for all of you.

For many, Mother’s Day can bring up sadness and loss, and for others, custody arrangements may not permit them to be with their children.

In the spirit of honesty, I only got to see one of my children on Mother’s Day, the other had a basketball tournament out of state, and Sunday night is the night my Ex has custody of them.  And, despite popular belief, the day I spent with my youngest son, while really nice, was in no way all “butterflies and rainbows”.

In one of the workshops that I did last week a woman interrupted me mid-sentence, and in a fairly contentious way asked how I could mislead the group to whom I was talking.

Huh??

Me, mislead??

She went on to say, “How could you not tell “them” what it will really be like?  That it is unfair, and costly, and challenging, and…..”

Do you get the picture?

I let her finish her thoughts, hearing in her voice the pain of all that she had been through herself.

And for a moment, I thought to myself…do I mislead anyone to think that divorce is somehow all about “rainbows and butterflies”?  That it is easy…or fair?

No.  I don’t.

Just like my own Mother’s Day was not exactly what my ideal day would have been like…it was perfect just the way it was.  It was REAL.

Despite Hallmark’s attempt to lead me to believe that if my children don’t wake me up to a four course breakfast in bed then they are not really good, loving children, I know how much my children love me and they know that I love them…unconditionally, even without a homemade frittata served to me in bed!

Divorce is NOT all about the “butterflies and rainbows”.

It is NOT fair.

It is NOT perfect and surely NOT exactly what we thought our IDEAL life would include.

However, it is REAL.

It is the way it is.

It is also an opportunity to design an ideal life for ourselves.  It is a catalyst for transformation, reclaiming ourselves and deliberately creating what we want our life to look and feel like.

We can cling to the notion that life is unfair and that we are victims of our circumstance…but that is not really true and it will get us nowhere…fast.

We CAN, however, CHOOSE to open ourselves up to what comes next…even if it frightening, overwhelming and uncomfortable!  It is in this journey that we will find the greatest growth, and ultimately, the greatest joy!

I am right there with you…designing what comes next and open to all of the possibilities that present themselves!

So, how was YOUR Mother’s Day?  Was it REAL?!   I am eager to hear how you chose to celebrate the day the incredibly important role you play as a mother yourself or the daughter of a wonderful woman!

As we approach this weekend, I couldn’t celebrate Mother’s Day without sharing a few of my thoughts with you.

I have done a great deal of reflecting lately on my role as a mother.  My two boys are ages 14 and 16, are rapidly approaching becoming young men.  As I watch them slowly mature into young men I am struck by who they are becoming.  My older son enjoys going out with girls and I spend a lot of time watching and observing how he is developing as a partner in an intimate relationship.

My youngest will enter high school in the fall and again, I am overwhelmed by what a fantastic young man he is becoming and his journey towards creating his independent identity.

While I recognize that there are differences between raising boys and raising girls, there is one thing that I know for sure is the same regardless. And that is that we, as mothers, represent what we hope they will either become as young women or will respect in women.  We are one of the two MOST influential people in their lives…and have an incredible influence on who they will become.

WOW…what a tremendous responsibility and privilege.

They are watching our every move.

• The things we say and the way we say them.
• The choices we make.
• The way we behave…and why.

As I counsel my boys through relationship issues (with friends and in early romances), accepting the consequences of their actions, and the challenges of having to make difficult choices, I realize just how incredibly pivotal our role as a mother is.

It is this recognition that has enabled me to strive towards becoming the BEST “me” that I can possibly be.

It is the inspiration behind every action I take and every word I speak.

I take the role of being a mother seriously and make every day an opportunity to teach them how to take bold and courageous steps towards creating their ideal life.

While it is a few years away, I can already feel the beginning of their separation from me and their desire to move independently along in their own lives.  And I support them fully in taking those scary first steps towards self sufficiency.

I will consider it my greatest success if my children move forward with the clarity, courage and confidence they need to design their own extraordinary lives.

So with this in mind, I will celebrating my role as a mother this Sunday!  My children and I will be joining my own mother to celebrate…after all, she is the one who modeled for me what an exceptional parent and mother is.

For those of you that are mothers, I hope that you will join me in honoring YOU and the vital role that you play in your children’s lives…no matter what age they are!

Have a wonderful mother’s day!

Did you ever notice that there are some people that are always surrounded by drama?

They have drama at their workplaces. They have drama with their children. There is drama with their families. The list goes on.

Do you know anyone like that?

I know plenty. And, as a matter of fact, one of my best friends is like that.

I finally realized WHY there was so much drama, and then, everything else became clear.

She has so much drama because she is LOOKING for drama.

Imagine that?!   Could it be that simple?

Here’s the thing…we will always find that which we look for. It IS that simple.

There is a magical thing that happens when we choose to look for the good in both people and things. Not only will we find it, but along the way we begin to reframe how we process experiences and we discover how much begins to come our way.

So I ask you….do you look for the good?

Looking for good comes in handy when going through a separation or divorce. It will allow us to focus on what is most important and make critical decisions from a position of mutual gain.

It will also determine the quality of our relationships….ALL relationships.

With friendships, women will often assume the worst when observing the actions, words or choices of their friends. They will imply that they intended malice or are being jealous or nasty, when in most cases, it is simply a miscommunication or misunderstanding. Friends don’t often INTEND to hurt each other. If you do have a friend that intentionally does or says anything to hurt you, it is time to let that friendship go.

With our children, we can often focus on what they are NOT doing, rather than what they ARE doing. I have noticed along my own parenting journey that when I am looking for the successes in my children’s behaviors and actions, I see so many more wonderful parts of them. And, I take time to acknowledge and praise them for all of the GOOD things they are doing so that when I have to address the areas of conflict, they know how great I think they are to begin with, and can hear me more openly.

With our partner, it can become so easy to look for areas where things are NOT working, rather than seek out all the wondrous parts of the relationship that ARE. Rather than notice the parts of the relationship and person we love that are fabulous, it is common to be hyper-aware of the parts that are NOT meeting our expectations. Perhaps he has not brought you flowers or complimented you in a long time, but he has made dinner for you, taken you out to your favorite restaurant, helped you around the house or snuggled with you when you needed it.

And finally, with our Ex’s, it is critical to look for the good. Especially if you have children and if you are committed to doing everything to create a new life that is the best interest of ALL of you, you will want to master this skill. Your intention should be to support your Ex to be the best man and father that he can be, because that will benefit YOU over the long run.

When we look for the good in both people and things, we WILL find it.

The same holds true if you don’t. If you are looking for your boyfriend/partner to forget something, fall short of your expectations or do something inconsiderate, you will undoubtedly find it.

However, is it possible that there are so many more wonderful things that he is doing that you are not taking notice of?

Is it possible that your Ex is doing some things as a man and co-parent that are actually good for you or your children that you are not acknowledging?

There is a time in every separation and divorce to move forward and refrain from looking back. I do not mean to FORGET what was, but rather to set new expectations for the future and reframe the way we experience our relationships.

• You will need to reassess and reframe your friendships as this is a new time in your life. Your focus and future have evolved.
• You will need to re-establish your relationship with your children as a single mother and set new boundaries and expectations.
• You will be opening yourself up to new love and will need to approach the relationship with a new attitude and as a new kind of partner.
• You will be redefining your relationship with your Ex to that of a Co-Parent rather than that of a spouse.

All of these relationships will require you to let go of what was and deliberately create something new. And yes, there will be challenges. And there will sometimes be conflict. However, if you are committed to focusing on the GOOD in each relationship, you will far more likely to find it and be able to compassionately and articulately deal with any issue at hand!

Over the weekend I was reminded, again, just how many fabulous opportunities and possibilities come along when we are focused on “what comes next” instead of “what was”.

As many of you know, my first book, The Ultimate Divorce Organizer: The Complete, Interactive Guide to Achieving the Best Legal, Financial and Personal Divorce, will be releasing this June.  Yes, it was supposed to be released March 1st but printing delays have pushed the date back to June.

I will be selling the book on my website, but you can certainly pre-order it through Amazon if you want to get it hot off the presses! Click here to purchase.

For any of you who are contemplating divorce, separated or moving through it…this book will become your BIBLE! It is a step by step guide to moving through divorce and addresses the Legal and Financial Journey as well as the Emotional Journey. You can find out more about it here:
http://www.discoverthedspot.com/book.php

It was such a joy to create a book and resource for women who are moving through the transition of divorce and was a project that has caused me such enormous personal pride and satisfaction, that I haven’t taken the time to sit back and celebrate what a big accomplishment it really was.

Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever accomplished something wonderful but simply complete the task and move on to the next?

I believe strongly in acknowledging ourselves as magnificent women and taking time to give ourselves the credit we deserve for all of the big AND small accomplishments that we achieve in our daily lives. As a matter of fact, celebrating the baby steps we take as well as the significant choices we make along our journey is something that I take very seriously!

Well, I hadn’t done that.

And, although I have been merrily moving along towards new and exciting projects in my life, my dear and beloved cousin, Shami, did not want this to go un-noticed.

So, this past weekend she gave me a small, intimate luncheon with my mother and closest friends to celebrate my upcoming book launch and the joy I am getting from sharing it with the world.

When I arrived at her home, all I noticed was bowls and bowls of HUGE and GORGEOUS lemons all over!  When I asked her why there was an overabundunce of lemons around the house, she informed all of us that the theme of the luncheon was LEMONS and that she wanted to honor and applaud me for moving along my life and always making lemonade out of lemons.

And while it sounds cliché here, her words brought tears to my eyes.

I had forgotten to pay attention to my own life, and acknowledge myself for working so hard, everyday, on focusing on what comes next and what will be….not what was and will never be.

I wanted to share this wonderful experience with you because you, and I, together are on a journey towards our new and exceptional lives. We may face challenges and obstacles, but if we keep ourselves facing forward and focused on the wonderful opportunities and possibilities that will present themselves to us, baby step by baby step we will create the life we imagine and deserve.

And, I want to remind YOU, as I was reminded by my dearest family and friends, that you MUST celebrate all of the achievements, big and small, that you accomplish each and everyday!

You DESERVE it…you are a brilliant, bold, and beautiful woman with infinite wisdom and talent!!!

I had the most wonderful experience this past week.  I had the opportunity to host a special call with two fabulous women, Meredith Allen and Tara Eisenhard. 

I had never met either of them…as a matter of fact, I had never even spoken to them before last night.  But they are kindred spirits and I believe will be women with whom I will stay connected as I move along my own journey of self discovery and.

I asked Meredith and Tara to join me for my monthly teleclass because I had been reading their blogs and was taken by their candor, honesty and compassion.

Tara writes a blog called Relative Evolutions and has a philosophy about divorce that is in alignment with mine.  She believes:

• A marriage shouldn’t survive at the expense of its participants.
• Sometimes a good divorce is the appropriate solution to a bad marriage.
• Separation signifies the evolution, not dissolution, of a family.
• Divorce is the shared goal of two people wishing to part ways.
• Divorce shouldn’t be ugly or expensive.

Tara is a divorced woman with no children of her own, but she is the girlfriend/partner of a man with children and has wonderful insight into the role that she plays in his/their lives.

Meredith writes a blog called Now Is Good where she shares her journey through and after divorce.  Meredith is a divorced mom of three beautiful children and is navigating the waters of being a divorced woman and co-parenting with her Ex and his live-in girlfriend, a woman that was part of the reason for the divorce.

In her own words, “I’m a newly single mom of 3.  I’m also a daughter, sister, friend, loner by nature and lawyer by trade. I swear like a sailor.  I laugh really loudly.  I have no tolerance for hypocrisy.  Sarcasm, strength, good grammar, intelligence, biting humor and a fair amount of red wine are requirements, not preferences.  Life has been throwing curve balls and I’ve been fielding them as well as I can.  This is me figuring it all out.”

I absolutely LOVE her style!

Tara and Meredith recently blogged together in a series called “She Said, She Said” where they shared their thoughts on being divorced women, co-parents, the girlfriend of a divorced dad and managing so many emotions!

Because of the way in which they explored these issues and the respect, intellect and compassion in their writing, I asked them to join me for a conversation on the very same topic.

It was an EXTRAORDINARY hour!

I learned so much from them…and together, we talked about the REAL DEAL of divorce and the journey to wards creating your new and ideal life! 

The call was so great that I wanted to make sure I shared it with you!  So, click here to listen to the call….I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

I am so excited to share with you my second guest post for my new blog!  About a week or so ago, I shared with you my first guest post written by Tara Eisenhard, Relative Evolutions,  who is going to be joining me with Meredith Allen, this week’s guest’s blogger, for a very special, FREE teleclass!!

On Wednesday, March 23 at 9:00 pm EST Meredith  will be joining me with Tara, to talk about issues around being a single mom, divorced woman and in her own workd, “daughter, sister, friend, loner by nature and lawyer by trade.”

For more information about this special free teleclass and all other D Spot events, sign up at www.discoverthedspot.com.

Enjoy Meredith’s post below:

Thanks so much to Laura for inviting me to guest post and to participate in this month’s teleclass!  I’m Meredith.  Not too long ago, I was a happily married mom of three and my life was pretty well all mapped out.  The day before our tenth wedding anniversary, my husband filed for divorce, shocking me and pretty much everyone we knew.  Within sixty days, I learned about his infidelities, he moved out, we told the kids, we made decisions on custody and finances, the papers were drawn up and signed, orders were entered by the judge, the ink dried and I was officially divorced.  I’d like to know what the Guinness World Record is for the fastest divorce in history, because I think mine’s probably in the running!  Today, not quite two years later, I am a happily divorced mom of three and although my life is anything but mapped out anymore, I think I like it better that way.  The road from there to here has been, and continues to be, both sad and happy, high and low, frustrating and peaceful, painful and joyous.  In other words, pretty rich.

Along the way I started a blog called Now Is Good in an effort to help me process what I was going through and to find a creative outlet to do a little writing.  I write about whatever moves me on a given day, but most frequently I explore the effect of the divorce on my kids, co-parenting with my ex, dealing with his girlfriend and her relationship with my children, and the ups and downs of carving out a new life when the old one  disappears.  My blog is just one (although one of my favorite ones) of the unexpected positive outcomes of a divorce I didn’t see coming and didn’t at all want.  On the first anniversary of my divorce, I wrote a post entitled “D-Day and 100 Divorce Perks” and listed out the top 100 ways in which my divorce had effected a positive change in my life.  I’m finding that if I just look in the right places, I add to that list more and more every day.

I had the most amazing time last week during my free monthly teleclass talking with a fantastic couple.  Not a couple as you and I might think, but rather, two co-parents who are changing the face of what Co-Parenting means.

I had the opportunity to interview Deesha Philyaw and Michael Thomas, two parents who have chosen to be not only the best possible co-parents they can be, but also take their message out to the world in an effort to support positive co-parenting, which we all know can be a challenge at times!

Deesha and Michael are the co-founders of CoParenting101.org, a resource for those who are parenting together after a break up. They are the divorced parents of two daughters, ages 7 and 12.   Deesha and Michael are also the co-hosts (along with Talibah Mbonisi) of “Co-Parenting Matters”, a live, weekly online talk show.  Deesha is a freelance writer, and the co-parenting columnist for The Faster Times. Michael is a real estate banker. Both are graduates of Yale University.

Deesha and Michael have developed the 12 Attitudes for Building a Positive  Co-Parenting Relationship, a wonderful outline for how to begin transforming what was a relationship as spouses to that of co-parents.

I was particularly impressed with them because as I raise two teenage boys with  my Ex, I am familiar with the challenges that can arise.  It is hard enough to raise children (especially teenagers) today, having good tools and resources to support you as you move towards successful co-parenting is critical.

I will be sharing the recording of this call as well as the downloadable pdf of their 12 Attitudes in my next newslettter.  To sign up for it just go to www.discoverthedspot.com and you too can hear just how special they are!

Thank you Michael and Deesha for showing us what it truly means to put our children first!   You ROCK!