The D Spot

So, when is the last time you felt angry.  Really angry.

What made you angry…do you know exactly what you were really angry about?

Divorce elicits many emotions, one of the most prominent being anger.   As I have moved through and forward after my own divorce, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my marriage; what had gone wrong, what role did I play and how I would choose to do things differently in my next chapter.

I am not proud of it, but during my marriage, I let anger run rampant in my life.  The more unhappy and dis-empowered I felt in my life, the more anger crept in; in my communication, in my actions and in my behavior.

Anger became the fuel for me to be courageous.  The more I tapped into my anger, the more confident I felt saying what how I really felt and what I really wanted; even if it came out louder and more confrontational than I actually meant.

The problem is that anger makes it almost impossible for the person you are talking with to hear you and to understand what you are saying.  My feelings of frustration and discontent found their voice through anger.  I snapped at my kids, my husband and my family; especially my mother.

I hated that I was irritable and sharp; but while I recognized it, I was unable to do anything about it.   It protected me from the fear, the sadness and the raw truth that lay underneath.

What I hadn’t learned yet is that you don’t have to be angry to be powerful. 

So many of us use anger as fuel to be courageous, honest and to honor how we really feel.  We develop a habit of tapping into anger when we feel fear and discomfort.   The problem is that anger never gets us the result we want and instead, deteriorates our relationships unnecessarily.

Power actually comes from replacing anger and confrontation with assertiveness and compassion.

So how does one accomplish this?

Trust your truth.

Under your anger is the truth of what you feel; but this truth might scare you.  In fact, your truth may be difficult to speak; I know because I have been there myself.  But before you go to the place of anger, trust yourself.  And remember that the truth, your truth, always prevails.

Find a new fuel.

Anger is not a healthy way to gain confidence and courage.  Instead, think back to a time when you acted courageously; when you were brave.  Recall how you felt, how did you find your bravery.  Know that you already have everything you need within you.

Say it with a whisper.

Yes, you heard me.  The quieter your voice, the more powerful your words will be.  And, the lower your voice, the less angry you will become and easier it will be for you to be heard.  Your voice may shake, you may feel extreme discomfort; but you will have a greater chance of saying what you really want to say when the cloak of red, hot and loud anger is removed.

You are powerful beyond measure.  Get rid of the anger and set yourself free.

There is nothing that can be more painful, and empowering, than healing from and moving forward after divorce.  And more specifically, from the process of understanding what really happened.

  Not just looking back and re-living the awful behavior of our partner; the infidelity, the verbal abuse, the self-centeredness, the insensitivity, the lack of  passion, lack of attention and inability to partner fully, but understanding the real reasons that things didn’t work out in the first place.

I knew early on in my marriage that mine was  not the right marriage, or relationship, for me.  Of course I didn’t know it intellectually, but rather way, deep down inside; in a place thickly covered by fear, sadness, disappointment, and a desire to make it work as I believed I was supposed to do.

Many years later, as my courage, confidence and shear unhappiness allowed me to set my “knowing” free and eventually divorce, I found myself in the process of moving forward after divorce.  And even my “knowing” that divorce was the right thing for us did not prevent the pain, the sadness and the exhaustion of doing the hard work of understanding what happened, so that I could begin to create the life I truly did want.

Initially this process began with the comfort of fully exploring (elaborating) and accepting all of the things that my husband had done to prevent our marriage from working.  All of his inadequacies, his imperfections and his inability and unwillingness to do what it would take to make it a salvageable relationship.

After all, his choices, his behavior and his lack of contribution to the solution was the “real” reason for the divorce, wasn’t it?

My friends and family were perfectly happy discussing (over and over again), how imperfect he was.  How at fault he was.  Clearly they all could see the truth as well.  Or, what I realize now, was their attempt to make me feel better by perpetuating the justification of why I made the right decision.

As I began to create my new, empowered, and “ideal” life, I began to let go of my sadness, my anger and my frustration with beginning anew, and instead, embrace it.  And as I did, with the help of my own amazing coaches and new friends, I also began to question if I had been truly honest about what really happened in our relationship and marriage. It was pointed out to me that I had never asked myself the most important question of all, what role had I played in it not working out?

And so I did.

What I learned is that it is in answering this question that the greatest amount of healing is done.  The self-exploration around how I had contributed to the dynamic of our relationship was ultimately the key to having everything I want.  And it in no way marginalized, diminished or condoned the role my husband played.  The truth; there wasn’t anything either one of us could have done to make the relationship or marriage work, for many reasons.  But I now understand exactly what I want to receive and what I want to bring to the table in a new relationship.

It isn’t easy to ask the question, “what did I do?”, because it forces us to face our own inadequacies and imperfections.  And if you did not initiate your divorce, and don’t fully understand what happened, this will be particularly painful.  I strongly recommend that you get the kind of support you need and deserve to do this self-exploration in a safe and comfortable way.

So, if you haven’t asked yourself this question, why not?

•  Is it that you feel that you, in no way, deserved the kind of treatment you have gotten from your Ex so no matter what you did, it is irrelevant?
   
• Is it that his/her infidelity or abusive behavior far exceeds anything you might have contributed so anything you did is insignificant relative to how horrible you have been treated?
   
• Or is it that when married, no matter what we contribute, there is an “obligation” to stay in the marriage and make it work?  Especially for the children?

 Here’s the truth; the greatest gift you can give yourself is to understand your role in the demise of your relationship and marriage, despite what your Ex has done.  Not only will this set you free, but it is the way to begin the process of letting go of what was to make room for what will be. 

I am in no way saying that this is easy, far from it.  But it is in this journey to understanding that true healing becomes possible.

I love the Olympics. To see the world come together for fair and honest competition based on performance alone is something that I find extremely impressive, empowering and exciting.

For the past week, I have had my TV on and set to the Olympic coverage as background for everything that I am doing.  I have seen competition in sports that I had never seen before and heard countless stories of young and “older” (I am a bit sensitive to the label of “old” given my own age!) athletes as they prepared for their participation in London and going for the Gold!

All of the stories were inspiring and highlighted the complete and all-consuming vision and training of athletes; many despite challenges, obstacles and adversity.

Regardless of who wins the gold, silver and bronze, each athlete has prepared with complete dedication, commitment and focus for their chance to compete and the possibility of success that the Olympics represents.

I can’t help but feel like the Olympics is just a metaphor for life; my life…your life.

While only a few will be medalists in London, ALL of the competitors are now Olympic Athletes…an honor in itself.

Your future IS your Olympics; an environment that offers unlimited, timeless opportunity and possibility.  Like the Olympics, “competing” in this environment, our future, requires focus, discipline, commitment and a relentless pursuit for “winning the Gold”!  However, unlike the Olympics, there are unlimited medals to go around!  How fabulous is that!

Even better we can ALL win Gold because each of us has a different definition of what “Gold” is.  It is defined as whatever you want it to be; whatever your desires and dreams are! How far you go is only limited by YOU… and the standard that you set.  A standard that defines what you want.  Lucky for us, every day is an opportunity to “train” to win it!

If creating and sustaining and extraordinary love in your life is your Gold, make today the day that you state loudly and clearly to the world that you will do any and everything that it takes to get it…and you WILL!  And by the way, we can “compete” in multiple events; love, prosperity, health and fitness, parenting…

Today’s younger athletes will use the performance of the London Olympians to set their goals for the 2016 Olympics and they begin training NOW.

You and I are no different, except that we are not limited by the performance of others; we can have everything that we want, if we do the hard work of preparing for it.

So, don’t wait another minute…set your vision and go for the Gold!

So the time has come for me to “come out” and share more intimately and transparently with you where me and the D Spot are headed.  It is time for full disclosure.

Over the past couple of years I have been walking my talk in my own personal life.  Having gone through my own divorce almost 8 years ago, I have been on my own personal journey since then; a journey towards designing the life that I imagine and deserve.  And guess what?  It really works.

The self-exploration, the personal growth work, and the relentless pursuit to be all that I am meant to be are all paying off…in all areas of my life.

However, I have discovered and learned so much along the way, and I want to share some of it with you.

The greatest thing I have learned is that living your extraordinary life includes many ups and downs.  The challenges are inevitably unexpected, and yet are reliable.  It may seem from my newsletters, facebook posts and tweets that I walk through each day empowered, inspired and skipping with joy, but the truth is, I don’t.

Yes, I am living the life that I imagine, and deserve; and I have never been happier.  But, it takes daily practice, discipline and focus to not only make progress forward, but to maintain the standard that I have set for myself.  A standard that I set after my divorce when I gave myself permission to figure out and define what I really, truly wanted to experience in my life.

Living with mediocrity in my life and relationships is something that I have never been good at, and yet for many years I did. When I finally acknowledged that I was not truly happy in my life, I slowly began to imagine what it would look and feel like to actually be happy.  I wanted it, but felt powerless to make the changes that would get me where I wanted to be. Truth be told, I had absolutely no idea how to do it.   All I knew was that after my divorce, I made a commitment to myself, that mediocrity would never be good enough…good would never be good enough.  I wanted extraordinary.  I wanted exceptional.  And I wanted it in my life, love and everything in between.

It has been a journey. A journey I never could have foreseen, predicted or imagined. It has had unimaginable highs and excruciatingly painful lows.  Through it all, I have discovered, learned and mastered what it takes to create an extraordinary life and love.  And teaching this to others, to YOU, is my passion.  It is what I am meant to do.

Whether it looks like it from the outside or not, no one who goes through divorce, man or woman, comes through it unscathed.  We are all affected, we are all forever changed. However it is what we do with the change that determines our destiny.

Full Disclosure.  I am no different than you.

I have my own fair share of co-parenting challenges; they are painful and they are not at all what I wanted.  And while I can’t control my Ex, or any other person, I am in full control of how I react and respond to them.  And I take this control seriously.

I attracted, created and sustain an extraordinary relationship with a man I love, but he is flawed.  I am flawed.  And it has many challenges and obstacles.  We have four kids between us, three Ex’s (he has been divorced twice), step parents and plenty of parenting issues.  Integrating and blending our lives has been difficult, and yet through the challenges, we grow closer and our relationship deeper and more extraordinary.  I walk my talk; and it is not always easy.  But it works and that is why I do what I do.

I have plenty of bad days.  I have days when I am scared to death of what my future holds.  And if I have what it takes to create the life that imagine; especially because what I imagine is a BIG vision; abundant with resources and love.  I have days when I think that I am not enough…not good enough, smart enough or capable enough of doing all that I want.  But I know that this is just my inner mean girl talking and that she has no idea what she is talking about!  And I know  how to shut her up!  There will always be those who doubt and who are worried about me, including my inner mean girl…but I walk my talk; and I know that creating my plan and sticking to it is going to get me where I want to go.  I also know that surrounding myself with people who inspire, empower and support me is critical to living the life I desire.

I have my own coach…actually coaches.  I know that I am not meant to do this alone.  And neither are you.  They are the ones who push me to be more than I already am, to be, do and create all that I am meant to.  They challenge me and hold me accountable.  I could not do this without them.

You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You have all that it takes to get exactly what you want.  Now it is your choice; how badly do you want it?

“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.”
― Betty Friedan

The celebration of freedom and independence means something different to each person.  Until my divorce, I had not really given any real thought to what these two words meant to me.  Yes, I took time to appreciate the freedoms that being an American affords me and on July 4^th, would acknowledge these freedoms with family, friends and fabulous fireworks!

Leading up to and through my divorce, these two words, freedom and independence, took on an entirely new meaning for me.  In fact, it was the exploration of what they meant to me that allowed me to begin to understand what I truly wanted my life to look and feel like.

So here is a little bit about what freedom and independence mean to me and the future I am creating.

I strive every day to fully accept and embrace the gift of life that I possess;  The beautiful vessel that is my body and the magic that is my mind.  It is easy to take these gifts for granted and forget to take care of them.  Being independent and free can only be explored when built on the foundation of good health; physically, spiritually and emotionally.

With my mind, my body and my soul, I am able to do, be and create anything that I want; one step at a time.  The only limitations are those that I put on myself which will only happen if I allow fear to drive my direction.

Freedom for me is being free to express who I am and what I want in a way that honors the magnificence of all human beings.  Not only my lover/partner, children, family and friends, but all those with whom I come into contact.  It is taking responsibility for the way I speak to, the way I act towards and the way I treat others.  Our words and actions have the power to hurt or to heal others and this is a responsibility I take seriously.

Freedom for me is giving myself permission to make choices and decisions in my life that feed my mind, body and soul, and that allow me to continuously grow into the woman I am meant to be.  I am grateful for the gift of choice and use it to surround myself with people who inspire, empower and support me to further evolve and grow.  I recognize that in growing my connection to others who appreciate and respect their freedoms, we are able to share and spread them to even more people.

Freedom for me is standing firmly in my role as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, lover, partner and friend.  It is the ability to define these roles around who I am at my core.  This freedom is the gift of being able to step into each of these roles and ROCK each one!  I love each one of them and together, they become the fabric of who I am as a woman!  I can be exactly the mother I want to be by fully embracing the uniqueness that is me, just as I do with my partner, my family and my friends.

For many years in my marriage I did not feel free; nor did I feel independent as a woman.  It would be easy to say that my husband “controlled” our life, but the reality is that I allowed it; in fact I didn’t do much to assert myself and what I wanted.  Blaming would be easier, but it is not the truth.  I gave up my power, my freedom and my independence with my desire to be a “good” wife and mother.  What I did not understand at the time was that in owning my freedom and my independence, I woud become a stronger, healthier and whole woman and therefore, a more exceptional wife and mother.

While there are many things that I can’t control, my ability to be independent and free is well within my control.  This was one of the greatest lessons I learned from my divorce.

Divorce can often lead us to feel less in control than we really are.  In fact, with all of the emotions divorce can create, feeling paralyzed and unable to embrace our new freedom and independence is common.  Reclaiming our personal power and learning how to embrace our new freedom and independence is a critical part of the divorce journey.

This week, where we celebrate our National Independence Day, I hope you will join me in committing to reclaiming your freedom and your independence.  They are gifts that cost nothing, and open the door to priceless rewards.

So this week was the final week of my first ever Are You Ready…for your New Life and Love program and all I have to say is WOW!  What an amazing experience!

One of the things that I love most about what I do is the opportunity to continuously learn and evolve from all of the women that come into my life through my business.  Every email you send me, every conversation we have, and every experience you have teaches me something not only about myself, but also about moving powerfully forward in the creation of life after divorce.

This program allowed me to share five weeks with seven amazing women.  Together we broke through challenges, reconnected with ourselves and designed our new stories.  I was reminded just how powerful it is to come together as magnificent women and support each other in the creation of our ideal lives!  I am truly sad that this first program has come to an end, but I am pumped because I have decided to do it again this fall!!

     Seven women.

     Five Weeks.

     Radical Transformation!!

I wanted to share a little about our experience over the past five weeks because as we all recognized, we are not alone in our journey.  It can feel isolating at times, but once we started talking and sharing our stories, there were commonalities across all of our unique situations.

Your divorce holds the key to unlocking your extraordinary future.

Yes, you heard me correctly.

Through the ending of your marriage and your journey through divorce, you have the ability to learn all that you need to create what you want…IF YOU ALLOW IT!

For so many of us, the exhaustion of the process, the feeling of overwhelm, and the emotions of sadness, grief and anger prevent us from learning what we need to create our new lives.

Instead, we resist.

We defend.

We judge.

We retaliate.

We sabotage.

We do and say many things that in the end, only hurt us.

What was so incredible for me was watching women just like you step out of these limiting behaviors and thoughts, and instead, replace them with MOJO!  With hope.  With brilliant and bold intentions.  With desire.  And with passion.  It was AWESOME!

For those of you who participated in the program and are reading this; THANK YOU!  Thank you for your courage, your inspiration, your magnificence, your depth, your commitment and your energy!  I am a better person for sharing this time with you!

And for all of you…if you are feeling alone, uninspired, unmotivated, sad, angry, overwhelmed, anxious or simply exhausted…know that your new life is right around the corner.  Even if you can’t see it yet.

You are at the beginning.  The beginning of the rest of your life; and it is there ready for you to reclaim it!

I appreciate you indulging me while I brag about the incredible women who shared this time with me.  It was too short…just the tip of the iceberg!

If you are interested in participating in the next Are You Ready?! Program that will take place this fall…just email me at discoverthedspot@gmail.com and I will make sure you get the information as soon as it is ready.

Even more exciting…I am creating an Are You Ready Alumni group so that as you complete the program, you will be able to join the other women in sharing, supporting, and encouraging each other as you move forward!

P.S.  Here are quotes from four of the seven women who participated…I hope you enjoy seeing their transformations as much as I did!

• “I have to say once I started this exercise I felt energized, passionate (gasp!) and alive!  I loved it, couldn’t stop working on it.  Thank you so much for introducing me to this – it feels like I’m on the right track when I’m thinking this way.  It’s so easy to get stuck in the pain of what could have been, the losses you suffer on a daily basis (sharing kids, etc) that your forget how truly amazing your life is & will be.  So, thanks again.  Fantastic!  Can’t wait to work on this some more. “

• “Thanks Laura!!!  Your guidance and posts help me believe I can do this.  Ur program is pretty amazing!”

• “The D Spot has been a huge part of me reclaiming my life and helping me heal and move on with my life.”

• “THANK YOU!  I thought the first session was fabulous and I can’t wait for this process to unfold.”

I don’t know about you, but there were a lot of thoughts running around my head as I read the Fifty Shades trilogy.

Yes, I am aware that they are a fun, erotic series of novels and that, of course, not one that can possibly be based in reality…or can it?

The truth is that while they are in fact perhaps exaggerations of what we define as “real” or appropriate, they are exactly that…exaggerations. Exaggerations built on thoughts that you and I often think and feel, deep down inside. Things like:

• Can sex be that passionate and crazy good?
• How much “experimentation” is “normal”?
• Am I a freak if I want to try a little bit of “that” (just a little!)…under “appropriate” circumstances?
• There is no way that a man like that could fall madly in love with a woman like that?
• Is it possible that a man could ever love me that much?
• Could I ever love a man that much?

The list goes on and on…and that is why this trilogy has skyrocketed to the best seller list. It opens the door to our imagination, our passion, and our possibilities.

One of the most significant lessons that I took from these books is what I know already to be true; that it is critical to speak our truth, no matter how afraid or how vulnerable we feel.

James, in her trilogy, created characters Christian and Anastasia, as dramatic exaggerations of what could be any two individuals that are seemingly so different from each other.

Christian Grey “seems” at first to be a sexual deviant, an abusive, crazy and “narcissistic” man. And yes, he is extreme (controlling, sexually “out there”, and self-centered)…for you and I. However, when viewing him through a lens of curiosity and compassion, Anastasia finds a man who has been deeply wounded, is carrying “fifty shades of baggage”, and ultimately, wants to love and be loved, but has no idea of what healthy love looks like. Of course, this is shrouded in over the top dominant scenarios and crazy drama throughout the book.

What I am talking about are the underlying messages. Shown through the relentless pursuit of Anastasia to understand him and extract his truth.

Anastasia is just the opposite. With no experience at love, intimacy or sex of any kind, she is simply nervous, excited, scared, curious and vulnerable. However, she is also smart and confident. And while she is also ultimately looking to love and be loved, she navigates being open to what she doesn’t know and understand, with caution, safe boundaries and her truth.

There is tension between them, not only sexually, but because in honoring their own individual truths, they learn that they will have to share their fears, their vulnerabilities and their deepest desires.

It is never easy to share with someone we care about what our deepest truth is. It takes courage, clarity and risk. Risk that the other person will be angry with us; that they will judge us; that they won’t love us. These fears often cause us to turn and flee, abandoning our truth and ultimately placing us in a situation we don’t really want at our core.

Christian and Anastasia take the risk; albeit painfully. And, they eventually reap the reward for it. But the messages are clear:

• get clear on what your deepest truth is
• be prepared to set boundaries that honor your truth but allow for growth; then,
• honor your boundaries; with kindness and compassion
• extraordinary love only comes when we share our truth; our fears, vulnerabilities, and deepest desires

So, do you know what your deepest truth is?

What holds you back from speaking your truth?

What is it that keeps us working so hard for the friendships and intimate, love relationship that we so desperately desire?

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of women who are working harder than ever at friendships and relationships that are depleting them of energy, enthusiasm and inspiration.   And yet, despite recognizing that these relationships are exhausting and exasperating, they continue to try harder to do more, be more and say more.

At some point, the exhaustion, frustration and depletion becomes more than they can bear and something momentous happens, changing the relationship forever.

Perhaps it is an affair.  That becomes the catalyst for the ending of a marriage that was not healthy to begin with.

 Perhaps there a fight of epic proportions for which things are said that can never be taken back.

 Or perhaps there is silence.  A silence so great that the hole that is left creates emotions that will take years to heal.

By the time this happens, the wounds are so deep and so painful; they require extreme care to heal.  And usually, the relationship can’t recover from them.

Divorce is often the result of what is not said and done, rather than what is said and done; although many would argue differently.  And by the time a woman comes to me for support, it is hard to get clarity around what she really wants to say…or, wanted to say; wishes she had said.

The same holds true, by the way, for friendships.  There are often parallels between what happens in divorce and what happens in the demise of a close friendship.

Why is this?

Well, if we aren’t saying what we really want and need to say, our partner/friends can’t hear what we really want and need them to hear.

It is not much more complicated than that.

You see, here is the simple truth.  You don’t have to be, do or say anything special to be loved.  Nope.  You just have to be YOU.

Honest you.

Authentic you.

Compassionate you.

Loving you.

Direct you.

Kind you.

Beautiful you.

 YOU…are enough.

You don’t have to buy sexy clothes. You don’t have to prepare fancy meals.  You don’t have to clean your house top to bottom.  Nor do you have to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, your desires or your interests to express your love and devotion.

You…the raw truth of who you are, is perfectly enough. 

Love is meant to be shared, from the inside out.  It is not meant to be earned, bought or judged.  It is simply meant to be felt and shared.

When you find yourself in a relationship or friendship that is causing you to work hard to do, be or say anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are, it is time to come clean.  It is time to say what needs to be said and allow the relationship to grow…or fade.

While this is not an easy thing to do, it is what will lead you to freedom.

Freedom to be the YOU that you are meant to be!

I am so pleased to be able to share my new friend and colleague, Karen McMahon with you! She has been kind enough to be my guest blogger this week.  She and I have philosophies that are in absolute alignment…as a matter of fact, when I first read her post, I thought to myself that I could have been the author!

I hope you enjoy her words of wisdom. 

I will Thrive in My New Life: Consciously choose thoughts that serve you

By Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach

You are what you think.  Negative thoughts generate negative emotions; positive thoughts generate positive emotions.  

Have you ever heard the saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it?” The idea is this… Divorce is difficult and painful at times, that is a given and no one is suggesting that you walk around making believe you are blissfully happy.  That would be equally unhealthy.  You need to feel your feelings.  But you do not have to wallow in them.

Take a close look at that negative statement you so often say to yourself and see how true it is.  For instance, if your overriding thought is, ‘I’m never going to be able to make it on my own”, how is this going to make you feel? Actually, how true is that statement?

What have you done in your past, who do you have in your support system, what protections are yours under the law that point to the fact that you will be okay?  But your fear, your gremlin, lurking in the dark alleys of your mind, is there to scare you and keep you in fear. You can choose to live in the ‘what if’s’ and they are usually all the negative possibilities of what might happen, or you can change your thoughts.

Shine a light on that dark and scary place that your mind goes to by replacing your negative, self-defeating statement with a truer one.  “I am strong and capable and I can make it on my own.” Or “I will not only survive this divorce, but once it is over, I will thrive in my new life.” Choose the words that resonate with you, your real truth.  Then say it out loud. Say it again and again.  How does it feel?  Your feelings will change when you own this new positive statement about yourself.   Your energy will shift from negative to positive.  And you will begin to manifest the future you desire.

1. Take a few minutes to jot down the negative statements about yourself and your situation that you have been focusing on
2. Ask yourself how real they are
3. Replace them with statements that more accurately represent who you are and what you are capable of creating for yourself
4. Begin to live these new statements

If you have been listening to that negative voice in your head, change it today and share your experience with us. 

Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach & Master Energy Practitioner, wrote this post. Karen is the founder of KM Life Coaching and co-author of “Navigating Your Divorce: A guide to the Legal, Financial and Emotional Basics”, a free ebook. Karen’s passion is to work with men and women going through the divorce process; helping them navigate the difficulties while focusing on personal growth and embracing the opportunities that lie ahead.

I was thrilled to see that Oprah hosted a two hour special of her Next Chapter series last Sunday with the man who truly changed my life after divorce, Tony Robbins.

The first hour of the special followed Oprah as she experienced Tony’s signature event, Unleash the Power Within.  It was so much fun for me to watch!  About a year after my divorce, I enrolled in the Anthony Robbins Mastery University, a series of events and training that took over two years to complete.  And it changed my life.

As I sat and watched Oprah’s experience, I realized that she and I had something in common.  We both had the privilege and benefit of participating in a Tony Robbins event.

The second hour of her show was an interview with Tony to talk primarily about her “A-ha” moments during the event, which were many.  Having gone through the experience myself, I thought I would share three of Tony’s powerful messages that we both learned through our work with him and how you can apply them in your life…today.

1. The only think holding you back is the story that you tell yourself about why it can’t happen.

We all have a “story”.  Your story is made up of the many experiences you have had that together create the fabric that has become your life.  Our stories are usually true; the events and experiences truly did happen.  However, it is the meaning we choose to apply to our story going forward that can hold us back from all that we are meant to be.  It is the embellishment that we make to “the story” that speaks to us saying, “I can’t do this because”, “I will never be able to have that”, or “that’s impossible”.

For example, it is true, I am divorced.  In the same way that you may have been emotionally abused, physically abused or are divorced as well.  The facts of our experiences are undeniable, and true.  However, they are not the reason for why we can’t do, be and create our life in the way that we desire.  Our story is our past, and has brought us to today; it does not define our future.

When we can embrace our story and use its lessons to guide our future, we will have created an empowering story that opens up the world for us.

 Action Step: take out a piece of paper and put “My Empowering Story” at the top.  Then set a timer for 30 minutes and begin writing your empowering story.  Do not stop until the timer goes off.

2. It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.

Everything begins with a decision.  It is in the moment of your decision that your plan for the future will begin to unfold.  Yes, creating your destiny will take action, discipline and commitment, but it begins with a decision to do, be or create something.

When moving forward after divorce, so many individuals become stuck in the pre-decision state.  It is not that they don’t want to move forward or hope that things will get better, but they have not made an active decision to do it.

Once you have made a decision, whatever the decision, you will have set your destiny in motion.  You may not yet have figured out the “how” to make it happen, but you will have released the intention and the energy that will guide you there.

 Action Step:  on another piece of paper, write down two decisions you are prepared to make.  For each of these decisions, write a paragraph of WHY you have made the decision and what it will mean for you…and your destiny.

 3. When going through a tough time you are in what can be called a personal “winter”.  Like any other season you will not only get through it, but you can decide to grow through it.

We are in winter.  We are in a worldwide economic and financial winter; and for many of us who are going through and moving forward after divorce, we may be experiencing a personal winter as well.

What do we know about winter?  Well…we know it is a season, and that seasons always end.  Winters are time for skiing, staying warm, “hibernating”, reading, learning and preparing ourselves for when spring comes.

Winter is not permanent.  It is temporary and has an end.

When we go through our own personal winters, we can find comfort in knowing that they are temporary and we will move through them; coming out on the other side.  And while we move through it, we are not helpless.  We can prepare ourselves for the coming spring; we can set a strong foundation for growth.  This shift in perception from feeling permanently stuck to the freedom of temporary, will allow you to take action during a time when it may feel helpless.

 Action Step: on a final piece of paper, make a list of all that you can do during your “personal winter” to prepare yourself for spring.  What would it mean if you could accomplish them all?

These are only three of the profound and empowering messages and lessons that both Oprah and I have gained from our experiences with Anthony Robbins.

I have incorporated many of his lessons and his models into what I do at the D Spot and am privileged to be able to share them with you as I support you along your journey.

As you apply these to your lives, please let me know if they have made a difference for you!