So it’s a new year; and perhaps with this New Year, you have set a resolution that this is going to be your year to find love. Love is the most complicated, awesome, painful and sought after desire there is. We all want it, and we all can have it; but many of us simply just don’t know how to do it.

Well, you can have it, when you understand it and take intentional action to get it.

Here is my Love after Divorce Manifesto, designed to guide you towards attracting, co-creating and sustaining new love in 2013.

I open my heart, my soul and my mind to receiving the love I desire.

If you have loved, thought you had love, lost love or simply have never experienced the beauty of love, you will first have to prepare your heart and soul to receive it again, or for the first time. Looking for love when you are not at peace with loving yourself and the intensity and vulnerability that love creates, will only lead you to a disappointing journey.

Give yourself the time you need to prepare, so you feel ready to allow yourself to receive and participate all that love is and becomes.

I allow curiosity to drive my dating and relationship experiences.

Too often we become critical during the dating process, expecting that we will be met with fireworks and butterflies with every potential partner and becoming angry and frustrated when we believe our expectations are not met. When you are able to look at every person you meet as an opportunity to learn more about them, you not only will enjoy dating far more, but you will be allowing yourself to be curious. Curiosity presents a chance for you to share more about you, inquire about things you really want to know about him and unleash your flirtatious and authentic personality in the process. Be clever, kind and flirty with your delivery and you will be surprised with the results.

I will enjoy, rather than evaluate each new person I meet. I will embrace the opportunity to meet new people as I date, and refrain from analyzing them until I have shared at least three unique experiences with them.

We egotistically believe that we possess the ability to fully evaluate a person upon the first few minutes of meeting them, convincing ourselves that “we know what we want and he is not it”. The truth is, none of us possess this skill. You can assess that you are not attracted to his looks at all, or that he offends or disgusts you, but other than these glaring situations, it is extremely difficult to fully assess a person after having dinner or drinks with him one, two or even three times.

While dating, individuals are not always being their authentic selves. They are nervous, trying too hard, and managing fear; all coming with their own context and skill level. Dating is an opportunity to create as safe and enjoyable environment as possible while getting to know someone; which takes time and shared experiences. Rather than having repeated dates for dinner and drinks, try another activity. Go skiing or hiking, visit a gallery or museum, cook together; there are endless ways to share time. Preferably choose an activity that is something you love and see how he is able to share it with you. Until you have the chance to see someone relaxed and comfortable, it will be a challenge to assess how you really feel.

I own who I am and what I want and need; setting boundaries that leave me feeling empowered, honored and in control of my romantic life.

There is nothing more attractive than someone who knows who they are and what they want; and who remains loyal to that even within an intimate relationship. If you are unable to honor what you want and set boundaries around that, you simply won’t be able to create a love that is sustainable over time.

Extraordinary, sustainable love is only possible when both of the people in the relationship are healthy, happy and whole as individuals. There are no exceptions.

I embrace being a woman and will nurture the feminine, sensual and flirtatious part of me as I seek out love and romance.

Sex is not the same thing as sensuality and sexuality. The more you embrace and enjoy your sensuality and sexuality as a woman, the better your relationship will be and the more fun you will have. It is not about performance or being good in bed; it is about connecting to your femininity and being comfortable with your sexuality. Walking fully in your identity as a woman will bring out the masculinity in any man. As you move along your journey to search for love, cultivate your own sensuality by doing things for yourself that allow you to feel strong, sexy and vibrant; and then bring this into your experiences while dating.

I recognize that open, honest, and face-to-face communication is the only way to co-create and build a healthy relationship.

Real and healthy love only takes place through a deep and “live” connection with each other. Relationships that take place virtually with little or no interaction face to face, will never sustain the test of time. The only place for intimate conversation and communication is when you are together or perhaps on the phone in between time together.

Having intimate conversations via text or email is a clear indicator that there are cracks in the foundation of the relationship and suggests that it is unlikely that you will ever be able to create real love together.

I trust myself and will listen to my gut and my intuition when it guides and protects me.

Most of us use the phrase “I don’t know” to avoid listening to our own intuition; especially when it may mean walking away from something that represents what we want. You do know. You always know somewhere deep down inside; even if you struggle to say it out loud.

Love is complicated, and it requires complete honesty; even when it hurts. Trust yourself…you are worth

What a difference a day makes. 

On December 14, one of my neighboring towns/community suffered one of the nation’s worst and most tragic school shootings. To be honest, I have had a hard time focusing on anything else since that that day.

There are few words to describe the sadness I feel and the sense of loss that pervades my entire State over this holiday season.  And yet, as I manage my tears and the temptation to focus on all that is wrong, instead, I am choosing to use the events in Newtown as an incentive to recommit myself to living a life of passion and purpose.

Newtown quickly put my own life and adversities into perspective, and gave me an immediate sense of gratitude for all that do have.

As you move through and forward after divorce, there will be challenges.  There will be “those kind of days”; of that you can be sure.  But when you can ground yourself in living your own life of passion of purpose with a focus on gratitude, you will be amazed at what begins to show up in your life.

Unfortunately, it often takes a dramatic event to immediately and radically allow us to reframe our own situations. And so I find myself writing this final newsletter of 2012 to you with a saddened,  but renewed spirit.

What a difference a day makes. 

Yesterday we went to sleep in 2012 and woke up in 2013.  It is a New Year, with a new opportunity to be, do and create all that we are meant to.

Over the past couple of months I have been guiding you through a slow and deliberate process of preparing for the transition from one year to the next; an incredibly powerful time.  And now here we are; standing in the gateway of what comes next.

2013 holds all of the magic and wonder that you can imagine.  It also holds limitless opportunities and possibilities; and will be defined by how big and beautiful your vision is, so make it bold, passionate, colorful and juicy!!

While our hearts are heavy with the loss of so many innocent, angelic children and loving, courageous adults, it is their memory that will fuel the passion and purpose of our future.

What a difference a day makes.

December 14^th is a day that we will always remember.  It was a wakeup call to not only feel sadness and loss, but to commit ourselves to living fully and powerfully, loving ourselves, our children, our families, our friends and our neighbors with all that we have to give.

Join me.

Join me in welcoming in the New Year by committing to a life of purpose, passion, courage, compassion, love and conviction.  Let these be the thoughts that drive you towards your new and extraordinary life.

I want to wish all of you the happiest, healthiest, most prosperous and peaceful  New Year!  I am blessed to have you in my life and I look forward to the privilege and pleasure of supporting you as you take bold steps forward in creating the life you desire!

Happy new year!

So, there are 30 days left in the year. Woohoo!

I see December as one big invitation to a massive dance party!  It is a time to get all dolled up, put on your fancy shoes and go out and strut your stuff on the holiday dance floor!  Good food, fabulous drinks and all kinds of sparkly lights make a wonderful backdrop for having a great time!

I also see these 30 days as a powerful source of energy; ripe for shedding what we no longer want and need to make room for the fabulousity that is waiting for us in the New Year.

As you move through and forward after divorce,  you will find that with each passing day, month and year, you enter a new stage of the journey.  And as you do, you will also find that you have the opportunity each day to focus on either the story of your divorce; or the story of your new and mojolicious life!

Every December I perform my own rituals and ceremonies to honor this opportunity and the transition from one year to the next.  These include:

• Getting clear on all that I want to leave behind in the current year

• Performing a powerful Letting Go Ceremony to release this list into the universe becoming part of my past

• Creating a plan for my personal December Dance Party!

• Committing to welcoming in the New Year with courage, clarity and confidence!

• Setting my empowering new intentions, goals and Big Vision for the next year and beyond.

• Writing my new story…the story of who I am and who I am meant to be.

• Designing a clear and specific strategic plan of action to set it all in motion!

As I perform each of these rituals and ceremonies, I can feel the universe diggin’ my mojo and beginning to work on my behalf!

Each time you take an empowered action that makes YOU feel good, you are inviting all of those around you, including the universe, to join in.  It’s true.

I am not a fan of resolutions and I don’t buy into the “I’m going to lose 25 pounds this year” as an empowering statement.  It is no colorful and compelling vision and certainly offers no plan to make it happen!  So, as far as I am concerned, forget resolutions; and instead, grab the coat tails of this amazing time of the year and run like the wind into the New Year!

How you do anything, is how you do everything!

It is in this 30 days that you get to choose what your journey forward is going to look and feel like.

Will you be driven by fear and doubt?

Will you be passive and disengaged?

Will you choose to play the role of a victim?

Will you surrender to your limiting beliefs?

Will you hold firmly on to the past forgetting that you live in the present?

 OR,

Will you step into your courage and power?

Will you find the blessing of each day?

Will you embrace the excitement and opportunity of creating your next chapter?

Will you choose to live fearlessly?

I choose to do IT, everything and every day, with reckless abandon!

Will you join me?

 Jump in with both feet.

Take a risk.

Trust…yourself.

Does it really matter what other people think?

What matters is if it makes you smile…in fact, giggle!

If it makes you happy, it is worth it.

You are worth it.

What comes next is up to you.

The universe is willing to help if you let it.

Commit…to you.

I am here and you are never, ever alone!

As we begin the holiday season this week with the celebration of Thanksgiving, I want to express my sincerest gratitude for you by sharing a few thoughts that I hope  you will take with you as you kick off the holiday season and remember as you move towards the New Year!  I guess you can call these the words that I live by; I am sure there are many more, but these are the ones that I keep near and dear to my heart.

Good is not good enough.

Fear is our greatest challenge.

We don’t really understand one another.

Extraordinary love changes everything.

You can have extraordinary love if you choose to have it.

Children have only one mother and one father.

Candles make everything better;  so does chocolate.

A healthy body leads to a healthy mind.

What happens next is 100% up to you.

The fastest way to get what you want is to let go of what you don’t.

Happiness can come from really small things.

Giving feels better than anything else.

You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

Sex is absolutely necessary; and it rocks!

Dancing will change your mood instantly.

Children are miracles.

You don’t have to forgive, but you must accept.

Time only moves forward, so we must as well.

Love hurts.

Loss hurts.

Transition is uncomfortable.

You are never alone.

Making friends midlife is hard, but we all want to make new friends.

We are not responsible for anyone’s happiness but our own.

We are solely responsible for our own happiness.

You don’t know what you don’t know so educate yourself.

It is impossible to be our own coach and mentor.

Who you spend your time with is critical and has a tremendous influence on your life.

Love yourself more than you love anyone else because when you do, you can give love more deeply and fully than you can even imagine.

Give of your time, energy, and resources to those who need it.

Never stop learning and growing.

Making friends can happen at any age.

Write daily.

Read daily.

Sleep.

Drink lots of water.

People are not usually what they seem.

There is always a reason why people do and say what they do; and it usually isn’t why you think.

Get curious.

Be curious, not confrontational.

Intentional and strategic communication works.

Honesty always prevails.

You don’t have to be angry to be powerful.

Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it is not there.

It is never too late.

How you do anything is how you do everything.

There is no such thing as perfection.

Vulnerability is sexy.

Softness is not weakness.

Be still.

Find quiet so you can hear your own voice.

Speak your truth.

Live intentionally.

Things can always be worse, trust me.

You are magnificent.

You already have all the answers within you.

Your smile is the sexiest part of your body.

Be gentle; with yourself.

Giggle and find your inner silly.

Kiss…a lot!

Hugging feels so awesome and is free. 

So are compliments.

I love you.

I  truly love and believe in you!

Have a loving, joyous and fabulous holiday!

So, when is the last time you felt angry.  Really angry.

What made you angry…do you know exactly what you were really angry about?

Divorce elicits many emotions, one of the most prominent being anger.   As I have moved through and forward after my own divorce, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my marriage; what had gone wrong, what role did I play and how I would choose to do things differently in my next chapter.

I am not proud of it, but during my marriage, I let anger run rampant in my life.  The more unhappy and dis-empowered I felt in my life, the more anger crept in; in my communication, in my actions and in my behavior.

Anger became the fuel for me to be courageous.  The more I tapped into my anger, the more confident I felt saying what how I really felt and what I really wanted; even if it came out louder and more confrontational than I actually meant.

The problem is that anger makes it almost impossible for the person you are talking with to hear you and to understand what you are saying.  My feelings of frustration and discontent found their voice through anger.  I snapped at my kids, my husband and my family; especially my mother.

I hated that I was irritable and sharp; but while I recognized it, I was unable to do anything about it.   It protected me from the fear, the sadness and the raw truth that lay underneath.

What I hadn’t learned yet is that you don’t have to be angry to be powerful. 

So many of us use anger as fuel to be courageous, honest and to honor how we really feel.  We develop a habit of tapping into anger when we feel fear and discomfort.   The problem is that anger never gets us the result we want and instead, deteriorates our relationships unnecessarily.

Power actually comes from replacing anger and confrontation with assertiveness and compassion.

So how does one accomplish this?

Trust your truth.

Under your anger is the truth of what you feel; but this truth might scare you.  In fact, your truth may be difficult to speak; I know because I have been there myself.  But before you go to the place of anger, trust yourself.  And remember that the truth, your truth, always prevails.

Find a new fuel.

Anger is not a healthy way to gain confidence and courage.  Instead, think back to a time when you acted courageously; when you were brave.  Recall how you felt, how did you find your bravery.  Know that you already have everything you need within you.

Say it with a whisper.

Yes, you heard me.  The quieter your voice, the more powerful your words will be.  And, the lower your voice, the less angry you will become and easier it will be for you to be heard.  Your voice may shake, you may feel extreme discomfort; but you will have a greater chance of saying what you really want to say when the cloak of red, hot and loud anger is removed.

You are powerful beyond measure.  Get rid of the anger and set yourself free.

I know, it is hard to believe that Thanksgiving in next week! How did we get here when it was just summer?

I also know that you have a lot on your plate. Moving from married life to divorce lifestyle is never as profound as it is during the holiday season.

Holiday Budgets;
Custody Schedules;
Creating new holiday rituals;
Being alone on the holidays;
Gift giving;
Expectations…

These are only a few of the thoughts that may be on your mind. Not to mention that the holidays can bring on so many emotions; including sadness, loss, overwhelm, and stress.

But you have a choice. You can choose to move through the holidays and deal with the emotions, the stress and the decisions as they come up; OR, you can CHOOSE to take control of the next seven weeks.

It is time for you to get H.I.P. for the holidays! Okay, okay…I know it sounds a bit corny, but it WORKS! You need a H.I.P. or a Holiday Intention Plan!

Yes, life and holidays after divorce may not be the same as the way that they were before, they are different now. But different does not mean worse. The holidays can be anything you want them to be…they can be peaceful, love-filled, joyous and rejuvenating; but only if you set an intention and plan to create them that way.

Here is an outline for creating your H.I.P. for is holiday season:

What you will need:

• Paper
• Colored Pen (whatever color makes you happy!)
• The willingness to CHOOSE to create a holiday season that you desire!

Step One:

Write in big, bold letters at the top of your paper:

“I release all holiday stress and expectations of what I think that I should be. I allow myself to be me. I choose to be blessed beyond measure this holiday season.”

Step Two:

For each of the following sections, write your intentions and a plan for making them a reality!!

• Creating a Holiday Vibe and Energy

What do you want your holiday season to look and feel like. Make a list of all of the words that represent what you want to feel during this season. Words like peaceful, harmonious, twinkly, festive, giving, gratitude….make sure that you list all the ways that you want the next seven weeks to feel for you.

• Holiday Decorations

Now that you know how you want to feel this season, it is important to create an environment that reflects that. While I am Jewish, I absolutely love twinkly holiday lights; they make me feel happy! After my divorce, I purchased lovely strings of twinkly white holiday lights and strung them up around my fireplace and front door. Just having them on at night made me feel good and created a festive aura in my home. What will make you feel happy when you enter your home?

• Gatherings and Celebrations with friends and family

It is often necessary to create new holiday observances and rituals after divorce. While this can be uncomfortable, it can also be a fabulous way to design new ways of celebrating with friends and family. If you have children, you may have your kids some of the time, and be without them other times. What kind of celebrations and gatherings can you plan that will allow you share the holidays with both new and old friends? How can you incorporate new rituals into your holidays with family? Be creative…think out of the box!

• Gifts for Others

Make a list of all of the people for whom you wish to give a gift. What kind of unique and creative gifts can you give this year? Do they represent the way you want to feel during the holidays? Again, be creative and allow your holiday vibe and energy to guide your gift giving!

• Celebrating YOU this Holiday Season

There is no better time than now to begin your extreme self-care plan than over the holidays! This year, make a commitment to celebrate and pamper yourself in the same way that you would your children, family and best friends. Purchase gifts for yourself, write a beautiful holiday card to yourself, give yourself a holiday party!! The best way to love others is to love yourself first.

• Holiday Budget

Be honest and responsible with your holiday budget this year. Create a holiday budget that reflects how you want to feel during the holiday season. There are so many ways to express love and gratitude that doesn’t cost a lot of money. After my divorce, my holiday budget was radically reduced! As a result, I came up with all kinds of creative gift ideas that didn’t cost anything at all. I gave each of my kids a coupon to spend a special day with me in any way that they wanted. I took time with each one of them to design a day that was unique to their interests and that allowed us to share a day of undivided attention. It was fabulous and they loved it!  think about what you really want to express to each of the people you are buying for.

If you have taken the time to complete each one of these sections, you should now have a complete Holiday Intention Plan or H.I.P.

Step Three:

Your final task is to GET IT DONE!

My gift to you is that for each of you that completes your H.I.P and emails it to me at discoverthedspot@gmail.com with H.I.P. in the subject line, I will give you two ½ hour coaching sessions to support you in setting your plan in action!

I look forward to hearing your holiday dreams and desires…together we will move powerfully forward into 2013!!!

I don’t know.”

This phrase makes me crazy!  It makes me crazy because it is almost always untrue.

I would say that the majority of the women I talk to and work with will have said this statement to me at one point or another, and every time that they do, I follow it with the same response; “Yes, you do.”

When it comes to your life, your love and what you want and need, no one knows it better than you.

What I love most about the D Spot is that it is about YOU.  It is about you knowing that you do possess the answers and giving yourself permission to hear and trust yourself.

Yes, deep down you do know…

• You do know what happened in your marriage and what went wrong.
• You do know why and how you contributed, even if it isn’t fun “going there”.
• You do know exactly what you want your life to look like.
• You do know what you need to do and be to make that happen.
• You do know the choices you must make and why.
• You do know what makes your heart sing and, what makes your heart race.

You do know…even if you are afraid to say it out loud to yourself, or anyone else.  That’s okay.  That’s the good news.

The bad news is that there are a lot of other voices that are working hard to convince you otherwise.  They don’t want you to be fully you, they like the challenges that they create for you.  They are afraid that you will be fully, and truly happy without them.

It is the voice of your inner gremlin, making sure you are in touch with your fears and doubts.

It is the voice of your mother or father, evaluating your choices against theirs.

It is the voice of your best friend or friends, who believe they know what you want or need better than you do and want to show their love by telling you what you should do.

It is the voice of your Ex, reminding you of what were old patterns, patterns that no longer serve you.

None of these voices are as clear, as courageous or as strong as your own.

But are you listening to it…to her?  To your own voice; the one that knows?

If not, it is time to unleash her; to give her the place and space to lead you towards your destiny.  So how do you do that?

Get to know her.

Purchase a beautiful journal, one that represents the essence of her. Carry the journal in your handbag, taking it with you wherever you go.  In your relationships, conversations and experiences, take time to be aware of her presence.  Write down what she thinks, what she would do or say, if she didn’t care what came out of her mouth?  Listen to her raw, unfiltered thoughts, feelings and desires.  Then the next day, and the day after that, read her words and get to know her; remembering that she is speaking the truth…she is the person who knows.

Trust her.

She knows what she is talking about.  She holds the key to your passion and purpose; and has the ability to unleash what you truly desire.  Although your fears, your doubts and your discomfort cause you to resist your voice, her sole interest is in making you happy.  And she truly knows what you want most, so trust her.  Give her a say in how you move forward.

Allow her to speak.

If you are able to hear her, and listen, perhaps it is time to give her permission to speak.  When you are communicating with your children, your Ex, your new partner or your friends, hear what she has to say and allow her to emerge through your words.  She may be rough around the edges, or bolder than you are used to, but you can choose the language and the way in which you share her truth.

It can be hard, not only to hear our inner voice, but it can also be uncomfortable when we begin to own her as the truth of who we really are.  However, when you do, you will no longer feel the need to say, “I don’t know”; because you do.  And then, your choices, decisions and actions will lead you towards exactly what you want.

You will be free to be you, and all that you are meant to be.  It is liberating.

Do you remember playing Truth or Dare when you were a teenager?  What did you prefer, telling a truth or accepting the challenge of a dare?

To be completely honest, I was afraid of both, which is probably why I avoided this game at all costs growing up.  And all through my marriage I found myself still avoiding both of these options.

But divorce changed all that; it tends to do that.  Moving through and forward after divorce is the fastest way to conquer your fear of speaking your truth and daring to do what you have never done before.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about all the ways that we allow fear to hold us back from what we want and are meant to do.  And I have decided that I will no longer allow it to prevent me from experiencing what I want in my life.

Last weekend I did something that I have wanted to do for a long time but have always made excuses as to why I couldn’t do it.  I participated in my first Warrior Dash.  The Warrior Dash is an obstacle run.  It is a 5K run with about 10 obstacle challenges along the course.

While I take care of myself and am pretty fit, the thought of the Warrior Dash was a little intimidating for me.  And yet, at the same time, it has always looked like something really fun to do.  So in the spring, I posted a call to action on my facebook page to see if anyone would like to do it with me. To be honest, I got a lot of people telling me how fun it looked; but I did not get many who wanted to commit to doing it with me.  Despite the lack of commitment by others, I wasn’t going to give up.

Eventually, a lovely woman who I went to high school with jumped in and said she would love to join; we hadn’t really connected in almost 20 years and I was delighted to seize this opportunity!  Then, a friend and colleagues said she would love to join as well.  By the end of the summer we had six women on our team, three that I had never met before.  We decided to name our team, Dash Divas.

So last weekend, I found myself standing at the Starting Line of my first Warrior Dash with my six Dash Divas, all of us doing something scary for the first time.  And it was a blast!

We were nervous, and excited, and committed to finishing together…leaving no woman behind!  Here we are crossing the finish line!!

I was so proud of myself, so proud of us.  Daring to do something we have all wanted to do;  challenging ourselves to fight through our nerves and our fear!

Life during and after divorce is full of opportunities to dare ourselves to live the life we imagine, and deserve; if we choose to see those opportunities and take advantage of them.

It can be comfortable to stay where we are, even if it is not where we really want to be.  Moving forward is uncomfortable and frightening, but everything you want is on the other side of fear.  And the only way to get there is to step out of your comfort zone.

So, I dare you.

 I dare you to do something you have always wanted to do.

I dare you to look for opportunities that scare you, and to face your fear and do it anyway.

I dare you to be uncomfortable, knowing that what you really want is on the other side of it.

I dare you to speak your truth.

I dare you to push yourself harder than anyone else will.

I dare you to be vulnerable and scared, we all are.

I dare you to take risks, because you will grow from them.

I dare you to let go of what was, because your future is waiting for you.

I dare you to open yourself up to new friends, new experiences and new love.

I dare you to ask for the support you deserve.

I dare you to express your desires out loud.

I dare you do just one thing every day that moves you towards the life you imagine.

I dare you to be YOU…because you are magnificent; you are brilliant, bold and courageous beyond measure.

Together, just like me and my Dash Divas, we will boldly move forward, leaving no woman behind.

You are not alone.  We are in this together!

Recently I have been asked, by more than one media outlet, to speak on the subject of what I believe the single most important piece of advice is that I would give to anyone who is thinking about, going through or moving forward after divorce.

As you might imagine, this is a loaded question and one for which I seem to have trouble answering.  There are many words of guidance that I would give anyone who is facing or has experienced the transition of divorce.

As I sit at my desk (as I am doing right now), I am once again reflecting on this question…what IS the most important piece of advice I would give?

You are in this with me so I ask you! What is the one thing you need more than anything else; the one thing that would change your life right now?

Is it money?
Is it a more effective way to communicate?
Is it a job?
Is it new love?
Is it a “life roadmap”?
Is it courage?  Is it confidence?

 Or perhaps, it is a combination of all of the above?

Like you, I continue to move forward designing my new life after divorce; and to be completely honest, I have had a challenging couple of days.  So, today I could use more effective techniques for communicating with my teenage son, a few new strategies for managing a long distance relationship and perhaps a few helpful hints on re-energizing when you have limited time available.

I guess what I really need is information; information from someone who is an expert in these issues.  Or in other words, really good support.

I have a lot of friends and family that love me, and who would be happy to share their thoughts and opinions with me.  After all, I know that they want me to be happy.

But that is not what I know I need.  I need someone who doesn’t just love me (although loving me would be nice!!), but someone who can give me the tools and resources I need and who is skilled at supporting me create a plan for addressing my most pressing issues, the ones that make me feel sad, overwhelmed and anxious.  I’m not a person who wants to waste a lot of time, I am ready to take action!

The good news for me is that I surround myself with experts in all different areas of personal development and most importantly, I am not afraid to ask for help, or support.

So, that’s it, the #1 thing that you need, and by the way, deserve!   Getting information and really good support is the THE single most important piece of advice that I can give to you and anyone else who wants to create new life after divorce.

It may be that you need money, a job, new love, parenting wisdom….but regardless of what you need, it comes down to asking for and getting support; support from someone who has the skills, the training, the information and the talent to move you forward and create a plan for eliminating the sadness, paralysis and overwhelm that you feel.

And while I recognize that asking for support may feel uncomfortable and maybe even “weak”, it is the strongest, wisest and most loving thing you can do for yourself.

Trust me, I am right here with you.  In fact, I must go right now and make a few calls myself!

There is nothing that can be more painful, and empowering, than healing from and moving forward after divorce.  And more specifically, from the process of understanding what really happened.

  Not just looking back and re-living the awful behavior of our partner; the infidelity, the verbal abuse, the self-centeredness, the insensitivity, the lack of  passion, lack of attention and inability to partner fully, but understanding the real reasons that things didn’t work out in the first place.

I knew early on in my marriage that mine was  not the right marriage, or relationship, for me.  Of course I didn’t know it intellectually, but rather way, deep down inside; in a place thickly covered by fear, sadness, disappointment, and a desire to make it work as I believed I was supposed to do.

Many years later, as my courage, confidence and shear unhappiness allowed me to set my “knowing” free and eventually divorce, I found myself in the process of moving forward after divorce.  And even my “knowing” that divorce was the right thing for us did not prevent the pain, the sadness and the exhaustion of doing the hard work of understanding what happened, so that I could begin to create the life I truly did want.

Initially this process began with the comfort of fully exploring (elaborating) and accepting all of the things that my husband had done to prevent our marriage from working.  All of his inadequacies, his imperfections and his inability and unwillingness to do what it would take to make it a salvageable relationship.

After all, his choices, his behavior and his lack of contribution to the solution was the “real” reason for the divorce, wasn’t it?

My friends and family were perfectly happy discussing (over and over again), how imperfect he was.  How at fault he was.  Clearly they all could see the truth as well.  Or, what I realize now, was their attempt to make me feel better by perpetuating the justification of why I made the right decision.

As I began to create my new, empowered, and “ideal” life, I began to let go of my sadness, my anger and my frustration with beginning anew, and instead, embrace it.  And as I did, with the help of my own amazing coaches and new friends, I also began to question if I had been truly honest about what really happened in our relationship and marriage. It was pointed out to me that I had never asked myself the most important question of all, what role had I played in it not working out?

And so I did.

What I learned is that it is in answering this question that the greatest amount of healing is done.  The self-exploration around how I had contributed to the dynamic of our relationship was ultimately the key to having everything I want.  And it in no way marginalized, diminished or condoned the role my husband played.  The truth; there wasn’t anything either one of us could have done to make the relationship or marriage work, for many reasons.  But I now understand exactly what I want to receive and what I want to bring to the table in a new relationship.

It isn’t easy to ask the question, “what did I do?”, because it forces us to face our own inadequacies and imperfections.  And if you did not initiate your divorce, and don’t fully understand what happened, this will be particularly painful.  I strongly recommend that you get the kind of support you need and deserve to do this self-exploration in a safe and comfortable way.

So, if you haven’t asked yourself this question, why not?

•  Is it that you feel that you, in no way, deserved the kind of treatment you have gotten from your Ex so no matter what you did, it is irrelevant?
   
• Is it that his/her infidelity or abusive behavior far exceeds anything you might have contributed so anything you did is insignificant relative to how horrible you have been treated?
   
• Or is it that when married, no matter what we contribute, there is an “obligation” to stay in the marriage and make it work?  Especially for the children?

 Here’s the truth; the greatest gift you can give yourself is to understand your role in the demise of your relationship and marriage, despite what your Ex has done.  Not only will this set you free, but it is the way to begin the process of letting go of what was to make room for what will be. 

I am in no way saying that this is easy, far from it.  But it is in this journey to understanding that true healing becomes possible.