The D Spot

“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.”
― Betty Friedan

The celebration of freedom and independence means something different to each person.  Until my divorce, I had not really given any real thought to what these two words meant to me.  Yes, I took time to appreciate the freedoms that being an American affords me and on July 4^th, would acknowledge these freedoms with family, friends and fabulous fireworks!

Leading up to and through my divorce, these two words, freedom and independence, took on an entirely new meaning for me.  In fact, it was the exploration of what they meant to me that allowed me to begin to understand what I truly wanted my life to look and feel like.

So here is a little bit about what freedom and independence mean to me and the future I am creating.

I strive every day to fully accept and embrace the gift of life that I possess;  The beautiful vessel that is my body and the magic that is my mind.  It is easy to take these gifts for granted and forget to take care of them.  Being independent and free can only be explored when built on the foundation of good health; physically, spiritually and emotionally.

With my mind, my body and my soul, I am able to do, be and create anything that I want; one step at a time.  The only limitations are those that I put on myself which will only happen if I allow fear to drive my direction.

Freedom for me is being free to express who I am and what I want in a way that honors the magnificence of all human beings.  Not only my lover/partner, children, family and friends, but all those with whom I come into contact.  It is taking responsibility for the way I speak to, the way I act towards and the way I treat others.  Our words and actions have the power to hurt or to heal others and this is a responsibility I take seriously.

Freedom for me is giving myself permission to make choices and decisions in my life that feed my mind, body and soul, and that allow me to continuously grow into the woman I am meant to be.  I am grateful for the gift of choice and use it to surround myself with people who inspire, empower and support me to further evolve and grow.  I recognize that in growing my connection to others who appreciate and respect their freedoms, we are able to share and spread them to even more people.

Freedom for me is standing firmly in my role as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, lover, partner and friend.  It is the ability to define these roles around who I am at my core.  This freedom is the gift of being able to step into each of these roles and ROCK each one!  I love each one of them and together, they become the fabric of who I am as a woman!  I can be exactly the mother I want to be by fully embracing the uniqueness that is me, just as I do with my partner, my family and my friends.

For many years in my marriage I did not feel free; nor did I feel independent as a woman.  It would be easy to say that my husband “controlled” our life, but the reality is that I allowed it; in fact I didn’t do much to assert myself and what I wanted.  Blaming would be easier, but it is not the truth.  I gave up my power, my freedom and my independence with my desire to be a “good” wife and mother.  What I did not understand at the time was that in owning my freedom and my independence, I woud become a stronger, healthier and whole woman and therefore, a more exceptional wife and mother.

While there are many things that I can’t control, my ability to be independent and free is well within my control.  This was one of the greatest lessons I learned from my divorce.

Divorce can often lead us to feel less in control than we really are.  In fact, with all of the emotions divorce can create, feeling paralyzed and unable to embrace our new freedom and independence is common.  Reclaiming our personal power and learning how to embrace our new freedom and independence is a critical part of the divorce journey.

This week, where we celebrate our National Independence Day, I hope you will join me in committing to reclaiming your freedom and your independence.  They are gifts that cost nothing, and open the door to priceless rewards.

Many of you know that over the past few years I have become a passionate football fan.

There is something I love about the masculinity of it, the strategy of it, the strength of it and the excitement of it. Over time I have learned about each team, each quarterback and the strengths and weaknesses of each team. While I don’t have a favorite team, I do have a few that I like more than others and for lots of reasons.

Like many Americans, I have also been intrigued by the young rising star, Tim Tebow, who some are calling “the Chosen One”.

Not knowing much about him, I had the opportunity last week to watch a documentary about him. I was folding laundry (as I usually do on Sundays) and while flipping around the channels, I came across this special just as it was starting.

While it was only an hour, seeing his journey gave me a growing sense of appreciation for this young man and athlete, and I was taken by his courage, tenacity and commitment to his Big Vision; all mirroring my work with women moving through and forward after divorce.

Here are a few tips that I learned from Tim Tebow about creating what comes next:

1.     Set your vision and don’t take your eye off of it.

It is clear from the film that Tim had a vision of being a star football player from a very young age. As he moved farther along his career and eventually through college, he had received almost as many awards, recognitions and accolades as are possible. However, in his quest to be drafted to the NFL, he also realized that none of that mattered. Those achievements were not what would necessarily earn him a place on a major league team.

I thought a lot about this because there are parallels in this to what we experience through and after divorce. I does not necessarily matter what we had, how amazing a spouse we were or what acknowledgement we do or do not get now; what matters is to stay focused on the vision of what our ideal and extraordinary life will be. I was struck by Tim Tebow’s ability at a young age to accept his accomplishments as just that, bu t remain focused on his goals and all that it would take to achieve them. A wonderful lesson for all of us.

2.     Create your “Dream Team”, but even with them, what happens next is up to you.

Through the film you are introduced to all of the experts, professionals and coaches that Tim uses in his preparation for reaching his goal. You are also introduced to his family, especially his father and brother, who support him along every step of his journey. He makes it clear that creating this incredible team of and circle of support is essential for him to gain the information, skills and guidance that he needs to move towards his vision.

However, he also shares that while the team is outstanding; they are not responsible for getting it done. They are not responsible for achieving his goal, and in fact; he alone is.

I found this to be completely in alignment with my philosophy both personally and professionally. I believe that creating a team of experts and circle of support is essential for moving through a nd forward after divorce. But I also believe that no matter how much support we are all receiving, we will not create the lives we are meant to live unless we step fully into owning responsibility for it. If we want something, it is not only up to each of us to get the support we need, but to take responsibility for doing whatever it takes to get it!

3.     There is no shortcut; getting what you want takes tremendous strength, commitment and discipline.

Finally, Tim Tebow shows us through this film, that there is no easy way to get what we want. No money in the world, no amount of popularity and no accolades will guarantee that we will get it. The only way to create what we want and to reach our goals is to do the incredible hard work that is necessary to prepare us to get there.

He dedicated every hour of every day to doing whatever it takes. Training and then training more. Studying, researching, learning…from sun-up to sun-down, Tim put 100% of his time, energy, and attention into his vision. It didn’t matter that the public, the media and football experts around the world doubted his ability and challenged his capabilities. It didn’t matter that friends and fellow athletes were living lives much different to his. It didn’t matter that it wa s grueling work and consumed his life. In the end, he was drafted; and it was not because he was good looking or performed in college. It was because his complete dedication, discipline and mindset were focused on what he wanted.

I was humbled by his work ethic, his commitment and his ability to fight through his own and other people’s limiting beliefs and thoughts to manifest what he wanted. I had not known just how hard he worked for it and I gained a sense of appreciation for him as well as seeing the power of possibility.

When facing the uncertainty of creating a new life after divorce, it is exactly these strategies and attributes that will allow us to be open to the possibility of our potential; and step into the confidence that we can create all that we want.

I am grateful to have stumbled onto this film, it was wonderful! If you have the chance to see this great documentary, I hope you will take the opportunity to watch it!

I am so pleased to be able to share my new friend and colleague, Karen McMahon with you! She has been kind enough to be my guest blogger this week.  She and I have philosophies that are in absolute alignment…as a matter of fact, when I first read her post, I thought to myself that I could have been the author!

I hope you enjoy her words of wisdom. 

I will Thrive in My New Life: Consciously choose thoughts that serve you

By Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach

You are what you think.  Negative thoughts generate negative emotions; positive thoughts generate positive emotions.  

Have you ever heard the saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it?” The idea is this… Divorce is difficult and painful at times, that is a given and no one is suggesting that you walk around making believe you are blissfully happy.  That would be equally unhealthy.  You need to feel your feelings.  But you do not have to wallow in them.

Take a close look at that negative statement you so often say to yourself and see how true it is.  For instance, if your overriding thought is, ‘I’m never going to be able to make it on my own”, how is this going to make you feel? Actually, how true is that statement?

What have you done in your past, who do you have in your support system, what protections are yours under the law that point to the fact that you will be okay?  But your fear, your gremlin, lurking in the dark alleys of your mind, is there to scare you and keep you in fear. You can choose to live in the ‘what if’s’ and they are usually all the negative possibilities of what might happen, or you can change your thoughts.

Shine a light on that dark and scary place that your mind goes to by replacing your negative, self-defeating statement with a truer one.  “I am strong and capable and I can make it on my own.” Or “I will not only survive this divorce, but once it is over, I will thrive in my new life.” Choose the words that resonate with you, your real truth.  Then say it out loud. Say it again and again.  How does it feel?  Your feelings will change when you own this new positive statement about yourself.   Your energy will shift from negative to positive.  And you will begin to manifest the future you desire.

1. Take a few minutes to jot down the negative statements about yourself and your situation that you have been focusing on
2. Ask yourself how real they are
3. Replace them with statements that more accurately represent who you are and what you are capable of creating for yourself
4. Begin to live these new statements

If you have been listening to that negative voice in your head, change it today and share your experience with us. 

Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach & Master Energy Practitioner, wrote this post. Karen is the founder of KM Life Coaching and co-author of “Navigating Your Divorce: A guide to the Legal, Financial and Emotional Basics”, a free ebook. Karen’s passion is to work with men and women going through the divorce process; helping them navigate the difficulties while focusing on personal growth and embracing the opportunities that lie ahead.

When I got divorced, I remember saying to my mother, “This is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life.” I was sad when I said it, and stuck in the disappointment of my failed marriage. Divorce had definitely not been part of my life plan.

This past week, I had to go for a follow up mammogram after my initial one came back needing “further imaging”. I hadn’t given it much thought until I was headed down to the Smilow Cancer Center at Yale for my follow up visit, when a little voice inside me said “what if they find something?”

Now I am not a particularly big worrier and my approach to life is to cross bridges when I come to them. But at that very moment, alone in the car, I thought to myself, let my divorce be the most challenging transition I ever have to go through. I was afraid.

As it happens, the results were perfect and I am just fine, but the experience got me thinking about where exactly I thought I would be at this point in my life and where I think I am going.

If that were not enough, over the weekend I found out that a friend, not an intimate best friend, but another woman and mother in my town, lost her oldest daughter to a tragic house fire while away at college. I was stunned. My son is going to be 18, soon on his way to college. I just simply can’t imagine her pain and suffering. Again, I found myself grateful for blessing of my healthy and safe children, and the amazing life that I truly do lead.

The truth is that no, I never did think that I would be divorced, raising my kids as a single parent, working hard to secure my financial future, looking at empty nesting as a time to launch my next chapter, and managing far more alone than I thought I would.

Divorce can feel like the old fashioned game of pick up sticks. Remember that game?

After holding the sticks tightly together, you released them with force sending them all over the table. Then, one stick at a time you pick them up, making sure not to touch or move any other stick as you do it.

It took patience and a good strategy for addressing which stick should be picked up first so that none of the others would be affected.

Divorce can feel that way. It can feel as though all of the areas of our lives have been forcibly let go and now are scattered around us waiting to be picked up. And as we begin to create our new lives, everything we do will affect all of the other parts.

And of course, we never expected it. We never imagined while walking down the aisle at our wedding, that our future would include divorce. But today, I am grateful that I do not have breast cancer and my children are healthy and safe.

In fact, I have taken quite a bit of time this week not only to be fully present in my gratitude, but to embrace the incredible control that I have over what comes next.

Divorce has not made me a victim; instead it has given me the gifts of courage, strength, creativity, self awareness, gratitude, love, and control over my destiny.

There are things over which we have control, and there are things that we do not.

This is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life, but it is a glorious place to be. And while I don’t know what my future holds, I do know that I can create it in any way that I want.

Join me in doing a simple exercise that will help you to gain a new perspective on the life magnificent life that you are living.

Take out a piece of paper and write on the top of it, “The Magnificent Stage Upon Which My Life is Built”. Underneath this, write down all of the things that are present in your life today.

If your children are healthy, write down “My children are healthy!”

If you have a home that you live in comfortably, write down “I live in a home that I am comfortable in!”

Perhaps your kids are grown, or you don’t have any, and you are free to live anywhere you want, write down “I can live anywhere I want!”

I want you to list your assets, attributes, and accomplishments. Your abilities, strengths and opportunities.

For those of you who I am or have worked with, you know that a big part of the planning for what comes next and the designing of your new life after divorce, is being able to see and create opportunities and possibilities…even when they “feel” impossible.

Don’t limit yourself to what you can already see, open yourself up to what might be. I know it can be frightening, but just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it is not there!

So no, this is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life, but it is where I am. And I am excited about what the next chapter will look like and the unimaginable joy it will bring!

Most people regard divorce as a major step, not to be undertaken lightly. No surprise there. But here’s where it gets interesting; usually, the people most hurt by the marriage, throughout the marriage, have the greatest difficulty in letting go.

Why should that be?

You’d think – wouldn’t you? – that the more criticism, humiliation and ill treatment someone receives from their partner, the faster they would call time on their marriage. You’d think they’d skip all the way to their lawyer’s office… You’d think, once the divorce was over, they’d just ‘wash that man right out of their hair. End of story.

Sadly, it doesn’t work like that.

Instead, something very strange happens. The worse the treatment was, the more likely the ill treated spouse is to become a ‘hopium addict’. This happens because of a curious, and insufficiently understood mechanism: if someone is prepared to hang around in the marriage and excuse a partner’s bad behavior, they quickly fall prey to hopium addiction.

Hopium addiction – as the name suggests – can be a very hard habit to break

From the outside, it just doesn’t make sense. You’d think someone would be able to see when their partner has stopped caring about their feelings, and their ultimate well being.

You’d expect logic to kick in, and point out to them that their partner has set the relationship on a downward spiral, which simply gathers momentum, with each hurtful episode. You’d expect them to realize that direction isn’t going to change simply because they want it to.

You’d imagine they would compare the enemy they live with, with the lover they married, and get the message that the good times are over.

But, all too often, they don’t.

Instead, they wait for Mr. or Ms. Nasty to ‘flip’ back into the person who was on their best behavior just long enough to woo and wed them. They make endless excuses for the hostile behavior, and they fantasize –endlessly – about having superpowers to, singlehandedly, stop the relationship hurtling towards disaster… Even divorce may not be enough to end their enmeshment with an abusive partner.

Why, oh why do they do it?

Why don’t they see sense?

Remember the saying: “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of” (Blaise Pascal)?

They’d call it love, of course. The truth is far more complicated than that. There’s a lot of anger, and dislike, even loathing that they feel for the spouse they can’t bear to let go of.

Reasons they can’t move on include:

Fear of failure: they tell themselves that since the marriage ended they’ve failed, and the World will see them as failures. Marriage is always a “two-hander”. One partner cannot bear sole responsibility for making the marriage work – however much the other partner projects blame and fault. The World is not privy to what actually happened in the relationship, and the World doesn’t really care. If you had the right to choose your view of the world – and you do have that right – you could divide it into Those Who Judge, and Those Who Care. Which group would you rather associate with, and give credence to? The marriage failed. Actually, you didn’t. Getting out is the only positive, successful thing you could do.

Fear of spending the rest of their life unloved and alone: Obviously, they have yet to realize they will never feel more unloved and alone than they do in a destructive marriage. They have yet to admit to themselves just how desperately unhappy they have been in their marriage. A bad marriage is a prison sentence. Once that marriage ends, the prison door is ajar, but you still have to push it open wide, and walk out, before you can enjoy the sunshine and smell the roses.

Failure to envision a better future: their unhappiness and hopium addiction have put blinders on them. As a result, they have forgotten how to dream. They’ve even forgotten that dreams are free. The ‘future’ they think they see is simply the misery of the past projected forward into infinity. In fact, once they put themselves out of the misery of the relationship, and clear the Misery Mind-set from their head – which is, actually, very doable, given the right help – Life can only get better. And they will find they have a capacity for enjoyment that may well AMAZE them.

“Axe phobia” : “Axe phobia” is the sense of paralyzing foreboding that occurs when you feel you are living with a axe suspended over your head, hanging by a thread. The fear is that if you take action, any action, it will be enough to break that thread, causing the axe to fall straight onto your head.

It’s much more helpful to acknowledge “axe phobia” and react by asking yourself some much better questions like:

• Do I know for a fact that the disaster I fear will happen?
• If I chose to overlook the disaster scenario, what lessons for the future might I learn from this relationship experience?
• What else might my foreboding anxiety mean?

You only have to ask yourself intelligent questions, instead of mindlessly listening to the old doom-and-gloom soundtrack in your head, to arrive at far useful thoughts, and conclusions.

If you’re struggling to let go of a bad marriage cut yourself some slack. It’s perfectly human – and usual, in the circumstances – to feel the way you do. Just bear in mind that doesn’t make your fears and anxieties true. Your fears for the future are simply past experience projected onto the empty screen of the future. Why not choose what you project, and start to project scenarios that will give you more pleasure – and inspire you to create a better life for yourself?

International speaker and writer, Annie Kaszina is rapidly becoming the voice of women who have been in emotionally abusive relationships. Annie helps women to stop treating themselves as second class citizens and settling for abusive relationships, so they can raise their expectations and self-worth, enjoy the happiness they deserve, and create a wonderful relationship with a quality partner. Over the last 10 years, Annie has enabled many hundreds of women to heal from the trauma of Emotional Abuse. If you’re struggling to get over the damage of an emotionally abusive marriage, Annie Kaszina can help. You can find out more here: http://RecoverFromEmotionalAbuse.com, or claim your free copy of: “The Secret Dictionary of Abusive Men” here: http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/go/

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Joy is a choice.

I recently read this statement in one of Lissa Rankin’s blog posts and loved it.

Although I have seen it before, its truth resonated with me more today than ever before. Perhaps it is because so many of you have been reaching out to me to share your challenges and how often you feel “stuck” and unable to experience the joy you deserve!

I hear your frustration, fear and overwhelm, and while I know that your feelings are very real, I also know that you have a choice in what you are going to do with them. And, the choices you make will, in fact, determine how much joy you can create!

It is hard to believe but the New Year is only six weeks away! Six weeks in which we must let go of what was to make room for what will be. It is in the “letting go” that we often feel so much pain and yet at the same time, it is also the doorway to the joy that we desire.

So, let me ask you this. Do you know what you REALLY want your life to look and feel like? When is the last time you took time out of your day to close your eyes and imagine how you want to spend your time, who you want to spend your time with and what you want to be doing each and every day?

Divorce is an experience that touches every area of life and creates a future where you can expect unexpected and inevitable challenges…and opportunities. Often we cling so tightly to what life before divorce looked and felt like, that we become unable to see the amazing future that lies before us. We end up carrying the “story” of what was into our new future when all the joy and happiness we desire sits there waiting for us to CHOOSE to see it.

Do you ever tell yourself that because of your divorce, you can’t have what you want? Do you tell yourself that it is not possible to create the life that you really desire because you don’t have the time, the resources, or the ability to make it happen?

If so, it is time to leave your voice of limiting beliefs behind as you move towards the New Year; for it is this voice that is choosing pain, and suffering. And, it is time to choose joy.

What if you not only accepted and embraced the inevitable challenges that have and will come your way, but instead look at them as an opportunity to make a new and empowered choice? How would your life be different if every challenge became the door to a new and magical experience?

Life as a divorced woman is complex. Even more so if you have children. Managing your role as a mother, as a professional, as a daughter, sister and best friend, as a sexy and passionate lover and partner, and as a financially independent and abundant woman will inevitably create challenge. And each of these challenges presents an opportunity to practice your gift and power of choice. Here are three tips for tapping into the power of choosing joy:

Pause – when a challenge rears its ugly head; before you speak, act or make any sudden movement, push your inner pause button, take a deep breath and commit to thinking through the options available to you in responding. There are always more solutions than you can imagine.

Flip – before you choose how to respond to any given challenge, flip the situation around. Step into the perspective of each person involved in the situation and reflect on not only how they feel, but what you think they really want. Things are not always what they seem and in understanding other perspectives, you will discover a response that achieves the best possible outcome.

Select – after taking time to pause and reflect, it is time to consider which response you will choose. What is most important in selecting, or CHOOSING your response to a challenge, is to make sure that it meets the high standards that you have set for yourself and that it allows you to move forward in the way YOU want.

Most of us will react instead of strategically responding to any given challenge. And when we react, we give up our power of CHOICE and instead are led to action by emotion and impulsiveness; which often creates more pain, more conflict and regret at not having handled the situation more effectively.

It is in each challenge and your carefully chosen response, that you will discover your greatest strength, courage, and brilliance. Learning to Pause, Flip and Select will allow you to step fully into your power of choice and experience more joy than you can possibly imagine!

How you do anything is how you do everything.

I heard this the first time from my friend, colleague and mentor, Kellie Kuecha.  Kellie is a master of business branding and identity and in supporting individuals to OWN their worlds.

Take a moment to read this sentence again, and fully absorb the meaning in these words, for they are the truest I have found.

How you do anything is how you do everything.

How you handle and manage any situation, challenge or experience in your life is how you probably handle all of them.

Upon first hearing this I took a bit of time to reflect on it because it speaks fully to how I live my life…today.   But it wasn’t always this way.

As I took time to look back on my life and especially my marriage, I realize that this statement was true even then, though I hadn’t fully realized its implications.

I may not have understood then but I understand now that each and every action I take, word I speak and decision I make contributes to the creation of the life I choose to live.

Let me give you an example.

Immediately following my divorce, I, like most parents who get divorced, made a commitment to doing whatever I could to ensure that my children would be okay.  I wanted to make sure that I made decisions that were in their best interest and that I considered their well being every step of the way.  And so, from that moment on, I had to think long and hard every time I would interact with my Ex husband.

Divorce does not come without its many challenges, including the complexities around co-parenting.  My Ex and I, while we both love our children, do not always get along. In fact, there are many things he does and says that infuriate me.  Over these years (and I am sure into the future) he has, and will, give me many reasons to be hostile and angry.

Because I take this phrase, how I do anything is how I do everything, so seriously, I have had on many occasions had to bite my tongue, shed tears out of frustration and fury, and take the high road by deliberately choosing how I would handle the situation so that I can do what I committed to do; live my life in a way that puts the interests of my children first.

In those moments of frustration and fury, it would be easy to over react or indulge in the emotion of the moment, but then I am reminded; if I do that, it would mean that this is how I handle all things, and I have set a much higher standard for myself.

My divorce forced me to do a complete life assessment.  Why wasn’t I happy?  What had I done wrong in my marriage?  What did I want my life to look, and feel like?

Believe it or not, I am not and was not a “woo woo” kind of girl.  I tend towards being a skeptic and often times, especially back then, fell into the “victim” mentality.  I believed that there were a million reasons why I couldn’t have the life I wanted.

But I was wrong.

As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until this little phrase entered my world, that I really began to understand how I was going to move forward towards creating a new life for myself.  It was going to be one action at a time. One “taking the high road moment” at a time.  One carefully chosen word at a time.

Because how you do anything is how you do everything, it is important to be honest about how you do the “anything”.

For example, how do you perform at work?  What are you friendships like?  How to you approach a challenge?

If you are late with deadlines at work and do not pay close attention to detail, then the chances are that these characteristics can be seen in your personal life and relationships as well.  If you often find yourself having conflict with friends and family members, you will probably find that there is conflict in the other areas of your life too.

This is a particularly important phrase to consider when women (and men for that matter) begin dating again after divorce.  The patterns of behavior and characteristics that can be seen in all areas of your life will reliably present themselves when beginning new relationships as well.  You may be looking for something radically different than the relationship you had with your Ex, but if you don’t do the hard and humbling inner work after your divorce, you will probably attract the same kind of relationship that you had before.

So let me ask you this, do you fully understand how you do “anything”?  And, if you aren’t fully satisfied with your “anything”, perhaps now is the time to break old patterns and set a new standard.

Yes, you heard me. Everything you need to create your new and ideal life you learned in your marriage.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized this. But as it happens, it’s true.

It doesn’t matter what your marriage was like, you are and will learn everything you need to know from it.

While I was married I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I even thought that while I wasn’t perfect, I was certainly not to blame for the demise of my marriage…that it was clearly not my fault.

As it turns out, none of these are exactly true. I didn’t know at all what I was doing, I didn’t really know what I want (and need), I had no idea of how to get it and although the divorce was not my “fault”….I absolutely contributed to the deterioration of my marriage.

Looking back now, I realize that my divorce was the catalyst for massive personal growth and that ultimately, my ability to live the life I have now, my ideal life, I owe to all that I learned in my marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t come to this realization easily…nor was the learning process easy either. Before I recognized that my divorce gave me everything I needed to create what I have now, I first went through the pain of it:

• asking myself how it could happen to me
• defending my position as a “victim”
• trying to figure out what would come next
• wondering if I was ever going to find love again
• managing the challenges of co-parenting
• worrying about how to support myself financially

The list went on and on.

I was so immersed on all that was happening to me and consumed by the inequity of it all that I didn’t realize how out of focus I had become.

All I knew was that I had lost my sizzle….my mojo, my “sexy”! I was tired and uninspired. My divorce was over, the papers signed and it was now in my past, but nothing was changing.

And then I reached the moment. The moment when I had enough. The thing about me is that when I have had enough…I mean ENOUGH, I must take massive action.

The problem is that I wasn’t sure what to do, and what actions to take. I had been in therapy for a long time, which had given me the opportunity to explore, review and assess what I had gone through, but now I was ready to make a move. I wanted to move forward and to reclaim my sizzle…get my MOJO and sexy back! It was time.

My journey began with a fabulous life coach who helped me to get clear on what actions to take…and why. But the amazing thing about it was that it was while working with her that I realized that I had learned everything I needed to know through my marriage and its deterioration. I couldn’t believe it.

I had been focusing on the pain, the loss, and all that I no longer had, instead of on what I wanted, needed and now knew.

While you may not know it yet, here is what you are and will learn as you move through and after your divorce:

You will learn what is most important to you.

I truly believed when I began dating my husband and as we started our life together, that I knew what was most important to me. Whether as a woman, wife or mother-to-be, I would have sworn that I knew exactly what it was supposed to look and feel like.

And yet, what I thought mattered most at that time was not accurate, and does not hold true today.

I hadn’t fully known my values and priorities. I thought I did, but it wasn’t without incredibly hard work and being completely honest with myself that I learned my core values.

Over the course of my marriage, and through my increasing unhappiness, I realized that I had not, in fact, really known what mattered most. I had been guided by what I believed “should” matter most. If I knew then what I know now, my decisions and choices would have been vastly different. I know now what does matter most and it is this knowledge that has become the foundation upon which my new, amazing life has been built.

You learn what your greatest weaknesses are.

It is not that I thought I was “perfect”, but it wasn’t until my marriage ended and I began my journey towards creating what would come next that I truly learned what role I had played in its demise. The more I reflected on, explored and worked to understand what had happened in my marriage, the more I learned about me…the good, and the not so good.

It was easy at the time to blame my husband for our marriage failing and to defend my role it in. But that wasn’t fair. We both contributed to its demise; and while he may or may not assume responsibility for his part, it was and is important for me to take responsibility for mine. What we often don’t realize is that taking responsibility for our weaknesses will never diminish anyone else’s bad behavior. Instead it just makes us stronger, wiser and ready for the juicy new life that is waiting for us!

I can’t say that this part of the journey has been my favorite; it is sometimes painful to become aware of and accountable for our imperfections. I can say that the more I understand my imperfections, the more I embrace them. And the more I embrace them, the more I am able to grow and evolve, turning them into attributes that allow me to strengthen the relationships in my life and enjoy far more wonderful experiences than ever before.

You learn who you are and who you are not.

I hardly recognize the woman who was the “wife” in my marriage. As I mentioned, she had lost her sizzle, mojo and “sexy”! It happened slowly over time as I worked hard to be the kind of wife and mother that I believe I “should” be.

I didn’t know who I was at my core, and therefore there was no way for me to be able to walk fully in the power of my amazingness! I wanted to be and do everything for everyone, waiting for affirmation of my hard work and sacrifice and to be granted permission to do and be all the things that make me giggle with joy!

Unfortunately, because I entered my marriage without knowing who I really was and am, there was no way that our union could work. And while my marriage did not work, the journey of learning who I am has opened the door to a life that I could have only imagined and that has allowed me bring my mojo and sexy back to all of the roles I have!

You learn all that you don’t know.

This was the most challenging thing to learn and yet at the same time, it was in learning how much I don’t know that the spark of curiosity in my soul was ignited.

When your marriage dissolves and you go through the process of divorce, you quickly realize how much you don’t know. During that time I found myself asking the same question over and over again, “how did I get here?”

I simply didn’t know. I didn’t know what had happened. And now, I didn’t know who to be, what to do and how to do it. So I started asking questions. I became curious. Before long my curiosity had taken over. I wanted to learn about me, what I do and why. I wanted to learn how to make choices that would be great for me. I also wanted to learn about those around me; my children, my friends, my family and men. I wanted to understand why they do what they do.

In my quest to understand, I have learned that there are amazing people and resources to support me along my journey and to help me be a better woman, mother, partner and friend.

I am still aware of how little I know and I take every opportunity to learn and to grow. It is this curiosity that has become the catalyst for my growth and has opened up amazing opportunities and possibilities.

As we enter the final quarter of 2011, I hope you will join me on a journey to understand all that you have learned through your marriage, and divorce, so that together we can create a foundation upon which your new and SPECTACULAR life will be built!

When is the last time you made “shift” happen?

When is the last time you recognized that things might not be going the way that you want them to go and rather than make excuses for why they aren’t or sit back and accept that this is the way your life is supposed to be (the “I am a victim in my own life” approach), instead assume responsibility and take massive action to turn things around?

I don’t mean hoping that tomorrow will be a better day than today or wishing that you had better luck, I mean MASSIVE action?

Let me explain what I mean.

Have you ever ended a relationship only to look back and see all the things that “should have” been red flags that you ignored at the time? And now know that having been unable to “see” the red flags resulted in your staying in a relationship that didn’t serve you far longer than you needed to be.

Has this ever happened to you?

Falling out of flow, or disconnecting from your Power of Intention while you are moving through divorce is a similar experience.

Have you ever find yourself wondering why you are not in the relationship you desire, why you are facing mounting financial challenges, why you are unable to enjoy a fun and sexy social life, or why you avoid taking the steps to living a healthy and fit life?

Or, perhaps you are feeling like things never go your way?

While you may have felt this way when you were in your marriage, many of you may be experiencing these emotions now as you move through or forward after your divorce.  And chances are, you have been slowly disconnecting from your own FLOW for a long time.

Ending a long term relationship or marriage and going through a divorce often disrupts our connection with our FLOW and disconnects us from our Power of Intention.

As I mentioned last week, if you want to read a fabulous book about the Power of Intention, pick up or download Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way. If this entire concept is new to you, I promise that you will enjoy it as a wonderful introduction to taking control of your own destiny!

What I really want to share with you is not just how easy it is to lose sight that the best is yet to come, even if you can’t see it yet, but more importantly, the ways in which you can shift your thinking NOW to help open the door to all that will be as you begin to create your new life!

The following is taken from Dr. Dyer’s book and are four ways of thinking that can prevent you from reaching for and connecting to your Power of Intention and the ways you can SHIFT your thoughts to open to all that can be:

• Thinking about what is missing in your life. To match up with intention, you first have to catch yourself in that moment you’re thinking about what’s missing. Then shift to intention. Not what I find missing in my life, but to what I absolutely intend to manifest and attract into my life – with no doubts, no waffling, and no explaining!
• Thinking about the circumstances of your life. If you don’t like some of the circumstances of your life, by all means don’t think about them. You must train your imagination to shift from what you don’t want to what you do want. All of that mental energy you spend complaining about what is – to anyone who will listen – is a magnet for attracting more of what is into your life.
• Thinking about what has always been. When your inner speech focuses on the way things have always been, you act upon your thoughts of what has always been, and the universal all-creating force continues to deliver what has always been. Make a shift and catch yourself when you’re focusing on what always has been, and move your inner speech to what you intend to manifest.
• Thinking about what “they” want for you. There’s probably a long list of people who have strong ideas about what you should do, how you should be thinking and what you should feel. Practice catching yourself when you have a thought of what others want for you, and ask yourself, Does this expectation match up with my own? Shift your attention away from what other want or expect for you to how you want to live your life.

I hope that this gives you just few tools for making “shift” happen!

You are not meant to be sad, lonely, “un-fun”,angry, resentful, uninterested and closed off.   Take a few minutes to remember who you really are at your core…who you know you are meant to be!

You ARE meant to live a happy, healthy, juicy, sexy, vibrant, exciting, passionate, meaningful, curious and colorful life!  Together we will put these principles and more into practice to turn your new reality into the foundation for your amazing future!

What a month!

Were you affected by the Hurricane?  My town and home was hit pretty hard by Hurricane Irene and I was rendered without power for three days and without cable/internet for a week, so I have been a bit behind on my writing but was eager to write this for you today!

 While everyone in my family is safe, my property sustained significant damage and unfortunately, a major tree limb fell onto my car which is now at the shop waiting to be repaired! At least it can be repaired so I am grateful!

Something happened to me this summer that I didn’t think could or would happen to me again.  I experienced for the first time in many years, the feeling of a loss of control over my life.

 It is hard for me to even write this because although I recognized certain signs of stress and overwhelm, I never really saw it coming.

 This feeling a loss of control is really just a lack of connection with my own power of intention, a power that I not only take seriously, but practice each and every day.  So, imagine my surprise when I realized what had happened.

I am sharing this with you because it is so common when going through and moving forward after divorce, to lose this connection to the power of intention and its role in the creation of your new life. 

Given this summer’s economic issues and debt ceiling debates, the recent series of hurricane, tornado and floods, and any personal challenges you may be facing, it is highly likely that you may be experiencing the same feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and loss of control.

 Have you experienced any of these feelings lately?  How have you been managing them?

 Last year I read Dr. Wayne Dyer’s amazing book, The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way.   It is an incredible book that changed my life, and I have experienced amazing success as a result of practicing intention on a daily basis.  Last week I decided to read it again to more fully understand what happened, reconnect with it, and begin to teach it more diligently with YOU!

When we lose our connection to the Power of Intention, we have essentially allowed our “ego” (which is the idea that we construct about who and what we are and what we are capable of) to determine our life path.  We therefore no longer feel in control.

I found over the summer that my ego took over completely.  Through a series of personal challenges and outside forces, I allowed myself to get caught up in my own shit; mostly drama with my Ex, kids, friends and a number of limiting beliefs…ultimately leading me to forget to practice intention.  I continued to believe in it and talk about it, but I let my actions, words and attention drift to those things that shut down the ability for this incredible power to do its magic.

What did this look like?  Great question!

 I was:

• irritable and short-tempered
• focused on the issues, not the solutions to challenges
• placing my attention on limiting factors, not abundant possibilities
• using language and words that explained why I can’t instead of why I will
• emotional
• tired and depleted of energy
• out of “flow”

 Can you relate to any of these?

If you can, then you may be experiencing a lack of connection with your own Power of Intention.

The good news is that at any moment you can reconnect with it and harness its power to your advantage. 

I am going to share more about the power of intention and how to apply it to your life in next week’s Dzine, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  It is easy to get caught up in our own ego, our own “stuff”, and disconnect from the very thing that will support us in creating this new and fabulous life.

When you learn to apply the Power of Intention in your own life, you will see dramatic results in turning your new reality after divorce into the foundation for an amazing future!

My NEW fall programs have all been designed to teach you how to apply this power to your own life, wherever you are in your journey.  Intention is even more powerful when we come together as a community of amazing women and support each other along the path to abundance. 

 I hope you will join me in one of the two teleclasses that I have put together, So, You’re Getting Divorced (for those who are just thinking about or beginning the divorce process) or Why Can’t I Get Over This (for those of you who are ready to propel yourselves forward after) and allow me the privilege of working with you.

And for those of you who are looking for a total transformation over the next year, consider participating in the Platinum Coaching program, Falling in Love with YOU and Your new Life, that is designed to radically transform all of the areas of your life!