The D Spot

“I will never get married again…”

“I can’t even imagine going on a date…”

“I feel so old and unattractive…”

“How do you even meet people…”

“I don’t have time in my life for dating”

“I’m so ready for my next relationship…”

“There are no good men out there…”

I hear these statements over and over again from women who are going through and moving forward after divorce.  Any of these sound familiar to you?

So today we are going to have a lesson in “SEXpectations” or the expectations we all have about love after divorce or the ending of any relationship.

Whether you believe it or not, the following words will all have a significant role in your new life:  dating, romance, sex, intimacy, sensuality, passion and love. So, I am going to give you my thoughts about what each of them means in your journey towards designing your amazing new life:

Dating:   Dating is fun!  Yes, you heard me, dating should be and can be a blast when you have set expectations around it that allow you to enjoy the process.  You will not fall in love on a first date, nor will you know if he is the “right” fit for you immediately.  You will need time and shared experiences to determine that.  However, if you become curious about men and understanding who they really are, you are going to have a fabulous time!

Romance:  Romance is not just a part of dating, it is a “way of being” in any relationship.  It is not about flowers, chocolate or lingerie…it is a feeling state.  It is the way you feel about and pursue a new partner.  Romance is the journey of time and shared experiences that allow you to build a new partnership and intimacy.  Creating romance in your life is about creativity, selflessness and connecting to the loving parts of yourself.  It is an expression of who you are and how you feel about another person.

Sex:  What can I say about sex!  Sex is a critical part of life; and, it is fabulous, fun and FREE!  Sex after divorce can be scary and intimidating, especially if it was not a healthy part of your marriage.  However, sex can be, and should be, a wonderful and exciting part of your life, and relationship.  There are many different kinds of sex and we have the power to choose when, with whom, and in what way we have it as we create our new and empowered lives and relationships. What becomes important is know what you want and why so that you can make healthy and safe choices about your sexual life.  Sex becomes more fun and exciting as you reconnect to who you are and the woman you are meant to be!

Intimacy:  Intimacy is the growing closer and sharing experiences with someone.  It is being vulnerable, trusting and surrendering to the process of getting to know someone.  While it may feel scary, it takes courage and a commitment to being authentic and honest to experience true intimacy; and is at the core of growing a deep connection with your partner.

Sensuality:  “Sensuality is an enjoyment of the pleasure we receive through our five senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. Although each of these can be experienced in a sexual context, they can also be enjoyed in a totally non-sexual way.”  This is one of my favorite definitions of sensuality.  One of the most important parts of the journey through and after divorce is the reconnecting to your sensuality.  For some this is an uncomfortable process but one that will result in tremendous pleasure!

Passion: Passion is an energy that is created when you are doing and experiencing things that you love; and is experienced when the things you do are in alignment with the very core of who you are. What prevents so many from experiencing unbridled passion is not having clarity around what you love to do and be.  Passion can be found in the friendships you surround yourself with, the work that you do, the way in which you spend your time and attitude you choose to have.  When you are living a life you love, with passion and purpose, you will find that it will naturally become the foundation upon which a new relationship will be built.

Love:  Aaahhh, love!  Exceptional love is not only possible, but it is out there waiting for you when you choose to do whatever it takes to have it!  Despite popular belief, love doesn’t just happen; it is something we choose to create in our lives.  However, real love begins within ourselves and is created when we do the hard work of preparing ourselves for it!

Moving through and after divorce often creates feelings of doubt about the possibility of having and sustaining a real and extraordinary loving, passionate, sexy, and romantic relationship.

The truth is that no matter where you are and no matter what your past experience has been, love is out there, waiting for you!

So, where are you in your Love Journey?  Do you know what your SEXpectations are?  If not, now is the perfect time to give yourself the gift of getting clear and understanding what you want and exactly how to get it!

Happy new year!!

I hope you had a lovely holiday season and have moved into the new year filled with a sense of excitement, hope and commitment to making this your best year yet!

I am always amazed at the incredible excitement and motivation that people feel entering the new year and the desire to make major changes to their lives.  I am also amazed when this “commitment” to change and transformation fails to translate into action.

Why is that?

I started my business about two years after my divorce when I decided that it was time to stop talking and start taking action.  I had been in therapy for years by the time I got divorced,  with two appointments a week; one with my husband at the time and one alone.  Therapy was extremely valuable for both of us.

I continued my own therapy for almost a year after we divorced until I reached a moment that I felt done with talking.  I had reflected, explored and analyzed my past choices and now felt ready to take action towards what I really wanted.  I, too, was inspired and committed to change, but recognized that creating change was going to take a lot of work.  I was not going to be able to do it alone.

Recently, one of the amazing women in our D Spot community sent me an email.  She said that she had been reading my emails for years and had just come to the decision that it was time to take action rather than continuing to stay in exactly the same place that she has been in.  I smiled when I listened to her talk, because I had just started writing this note to you and she exemplified exactly what I am talking about.

She is now participating in my What to Expect When You Are Divorcing program so that she can take consistent and massive action towards creating what comes next.  I applaud her courage and commitment!!

So, as we enter 2012, are you simply committed to change or are you prepared to take action?!

Along my own journey I have used every possible resource and tool to support me.  I have my own coach to help me see my big vision, opportunities and possibilities, I set clear goals that reflect the life I truly desire, I take action every day towards achieving those goals, and I embrace a life practice of personal growth so that all of the areas of my life are in a state of constant and never ending improvement!

I have found that the more I invest in myself, and becoming the woman I am meant to be, the richer, fuller and more extraordinary my life and my relationships become.

As we stand at the beginning of a new  year, join me in not only looking forward with great hope and inspiration, but with a plan for action.  Click here and you will find a number of opportunities to do just that.  Whether it is participating in a live event, joining the next free teleclass or taking the bold step of giving yourself the gift of personal coaching, this investment in YOU will result in benefits you can’t even imagine!

I know that there are many of you who are coming out of and regrouping after being in an unhealthy or abusive relationship or marriage, and have found that moving on is not as easy as some would suggest.   Recently I connected with a wonderful woman,  Annie Kaszina, whose work specializes in abuse recovery.  We immediately connected and I asked her if she would share some of her expertise with us.   I am delighted that she wrote a special article for us which I will be posting later this week, so keep your eyes open!

Welcome to 2012…I know that it is going to be your best year yet!!

As we prepare to enter 2012, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts with you.  You are such an incredible part of my life; I want you to know just how much I appreciate you!

Before I do, I would like to ask you to do something for me.  Take a few moments over the next day or so to find a quiet place, close your eyes and think back to this time last year.  What was going on in your life?  What challenges have you overcome this past year?  What accomplishments have you made?  Reflect on all the joyful moments that you experienced!

Now, take out a piece of paper and make a list of all that happened over the past year to bring you to today.

If your experience is anything like mine, you will be amazed at just how much has happened and how far you have come!

I have never been a fan of resolutions.  I find them to be unrealistic, unachievable and often lacking in intention and motivation.  My business background has made me more comfortable with visioning, setting goals and creating a plan for achieving them.  What I never realized before my own divorce, was how critical this planning process is to our personal lives, not just our professional lives.  So, as you enter the New Year this weekend, hopefully you will indulge yourself in beginning this process for your life!

Wherever you are in your journey, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  And, you have all that you need already within you.  Isn’t that a relief!!!

My hope for you is that this is the year that you acknowledge what is holding you back from your magnificent destiny, and commit to making the changes in your life that will set you free.  You know what I am talking about.  The self-sabotaging behaviors and choices that keep you where you are instead of empowering you to be the woman you are meant to be.

This inner work is not easy, and it can be painful and extremely uncomfortable.  But through this pain and discomfort will come exquisite freedom and unimaginable joy!

You are magnificent!

You are beautiful!

You are stronger than you can possibly imagine!

You are courageous!

You are capable of doing anything you want!

You are not your divorce story.  You are whatever you choose to be.  You can rewrite your story any way that you want.  It is time for you to change it up! Get crazy! Imagine that the impossible is absolutely possible…because it is!  The only thing holding you back…is you.

This is the perfect time for you to step powerfully into being the extraordinary woman that you are!  To reconnect with your purpose, your soul, your truth and your unique talents and gifts!

In 2012, you are free to do, be and create anything you can imagine!

It is all there, waiting for you.  2012 is YOUR year to reclaim a life of abundance, passion, prosperity, wellness, joy, peace and magic!

It continues to be a privilege and pleasure to not only know you, but to serve and support you!  I hope that this year we will enjoy a greater connection and friendship…I am always here for you.  You are never alone!

You can find all of my new events and workshops for 2012 here!

Over Thanksgiving weekend I read a book that I have been wanting to read for a long time.  Called The Last Lecture, this book is a recounting of the final lecture presented by computer science professor Randy Pausch as part of a lecture series at the Carnegie Mellon University.  Randy’s lecture was titled “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”, and although he talked about exactly this, it was far more than that.

Before reading the book, I knew very little about Randy Pausch other than the fact that he had delivered an extraordinary speech before his untimely death at a young age leaving behind his beloved wife and three small children.

It was an easy read and yet, even after reading as many books on personal growth and intentional, positive living as I have, he shared a number of wonderful lessons that I have been thinking about ever since.

The one that resonates the most with me is about perseverance and determination, and yet, is remarkably simple at the same time.  Essentially, nothing that you or I haven’t heard before, but for whatever reason, his presentation of it reinforced my own sense of responsibility and personal power.

Randy says, “Brick walls are there for a reason.  They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

BAM!  What a simple and powerful statement!!

While reading this, I was reminded of just how persistent we must be when we really, truly want something for ourselves.  So often when we come up against our own brick walls, we retreat in fear, frustration or fury.  Instead of remaining committed to our goal and increasing our efforts to reach it, we view the obstacle as too big to overcome, to exhausting to deal with or too much to handle.  You know what I am talking about?

These brick walls are given to us for a reason, and provide us with an opportunity not only to grow, but to review and revise our strategy for moving forward.  It is all in the way that we view them and how we choose to respond to them.

Despite my best attempts, I too find myself occasionally giving up way to quickly and feeling frustrated at experiencing yet another roadblock.    Or, worse, taking the “low and easy road” when responding and making the situation even worse for myself.   Has this ever happened to you?

When going through and moving forward after divorce it can feel like you come up against one brick wall after the other and therefore the challenges also feel insurmountable and your dreams, vision and goals unachievable.   But it is not true!  It is only the lens through which you are looking…a lens that reflects your temporary exhaustion, sadness, fear and frustration!

Randy, through his last lecture, shares with us the gifts that our brick walls have to give.  That they are there to inspire us, to raise our bar and fight through our fears as we push forward and go out and get what we want.  His words are written so that his children will know who he is.  So that they will understand his character and the values that he holds dear.  At the same time that he helps us to reframe how we face our brick walls, he reminds us that our even greater obligation is to remember that we are modeling for and teaching our children and those we love.  How we move forward sets the standard for our children and informs their values.   How we live our life is the legacy we leave our children, our families and our community.

His message is powerful.

Randy’s book reignited a passion in me to focus on my dreams and commit to doing whatever it takes to achieve them.

Whatever your latest challenge, it will not be the last brick wall that you will be faced with.   I hope that now, when it does come, you will choose to view it as an opportunity.  And that you will not only get clear on exactly what you do want, but accept the challenge as a way for you to prove just how badly you want it!

As you embrace your brick walls, please share them so that we can all celebrate your courage, strength and perseverance!

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Joy is a choice.

I recently read this statement in one of Lissa Rankin’s blog posts and loved it.

Although I have seen it before, its truth resonated with me more today than ever before. Perhaps it is because so many of you have been reaching out to me to share your challenges and how often you feel “stuck” and unable to experience the joy you deserve!

I hear your frustration, fear and overwhelm, and while I know that your feelings are very real, I also know that you have a choice in what you are going to do with them. And, the choices you make will, in fact, determine how much joy you can create!

It is hard to believe but the New Year is only six weeks away! Six weeks in which we must let go of what was to make room for what will be. It is in the “letting go” that we often feel so much pain and yet at the same time, it is also the doorway to the joy that we desire.

So, let me ask you this. Do you know what you REALLY want your life to look and feel like? When is the last time you took time out of your day to close your eyes and imagine how you want to spend your time, who you want to spend your time with and what you want to be doing each and every day?

Divorce is an experience that touches every area of life and creates a future where you can expect unexpected and inevitable challenges…and opportunities. Often we cling so tightly to what life before divorce looked and felt like, that we become unable to see the amazing future that lies before us. We end up carrying the “story” of what was into our new future when all the joy and happiness we desire sits there waiting for us to CHOOSE to see it.

Do you ever tell yourself that because of your divorce, you can’t have what you want? Do you tell yourself that it is not possible to create the life that you really desire because you don’t have the time, the resources, or the ability to make it happen?

If so, it is time to leave your voice of limiting beliefs behind as you move towards the New Year; for it is this voice that is choosing pain, and suffering. And, it is time to choose joy.

What if you not only accepted and embraced the inevitable challenges that have and will come your way, but instead look at them as an opportunity to make a new and empowered choice? How would your life be different if every challenge became the door to a new and magical experience?

Life as a divorced woman is complex. Even more so if you have children. Managing your role as a mother, as a professional, as a daughter, sister and best friend, as a sexy and passionate lover and partner, and as a financially independent and abundant woman will inevitably create challenge. And each of these challenges presents an opportunity to practice your gift and power of choice. Here are three tips for tapping into the power of choosing joy:

Pause – when a challenge rears its ugly head; before you speak, act or make any sudden movement, push your inner pause button, take a deep breath and commit to thinking through the options available to you in responding. There are always more solutions than you can imagine.

Flip – before you choose how to respond to any given challenge, flip the situation around. Step into the perspective of each person involved in the situation and reflect on not only how they feel, but what you think they really want. Things are not always what they seem and in understanding other perspectives, you will discover a response that achieves the best possible outcome.

Select – after taking time to pause and reflect, it is time to consider which response you will choose. What is most important in selecting, or CHOOSING your response to a challenge, is to make sure that it meets the high standards that you have set for yourself and that it allows you to move forward in the way YOU want.

Most of us will react instead of strategically responding to any given challenge. And when we react, we give up our power of CHOICE and instead are led to action by emotion and impulsiveness; which often creates more pain, more conflict and regret at not having handled the situation more effectively.

It is in each challenge and your carefully chosen response, that you will discover your greatest strength, courage, and brilliance. Learning to Pause, Flip and Select will allow you to step fully into your power of choice and experience more joy than you can possibly imagine!

How you do anything is how you do everything.

I heard this the first time from my friend, colleague and mentor, Kellie Kuecha.  Kellie is a master of business branding and identity and in supporting individuals to OWN their worlds.

Take a moment to read this sentence again, and fully absorb the meaning in these words, for they are the truest I have found.

How you do anything is how you do everything.

How you handle and manage any situation, challenge or experience in your life is how you probably handle all of them.

Upon first hearing this I took a bit of time to reflect on it because it speaks fully to how I live my life…today.   But it wasn’t always this way.

As I took time to look back on my life and especially my marriage, I realize that this statement was true even then, though I hadn’t fully realized its implications.

I may not have understood then but I understand now that each and every action I take, word I speak and decision I make contributes to the creation of the life I choose to live.

Let me give you an example.

Immediately following my divorce, I, like most parents who get divorced, made a commitment to doing whatever I could to ensure that my children would be okay.  I wanted to make sure that I made decisions that were in their best interest and that I considered their well being every step of the way.  And so, from that moment on, I had to think long and hard every time I would interact with my Ex husband.

Divorce does not come without its many challenges, including the complexities around co-parenting.  My Ex and I, while we both love our children, do not always get along. In fact, there are many things he does and says that infuriate me.  Over these years (and I am sure into the future) he has, and will, give me many reasons to be hostile and angry.

Because I take this phrase, how I do anything is how I do everything, so seriously, I have had on many occasions had to bite my tongue, shed tears out of frustration and fury, and take the high road by deliberately choosing how I would handle the situation so that I can do what I committed to do; live my life in a way that puts the interests of my children first.

In those moments of frustration and fury, it would be easy to over react or indulge in the emotion of the moment, but then I am reminded; if I do that, it would mean that this is how I handle all things, and I have set a much higher standard for myself.

My divorce forced me to do a complete life assessment.  Why wasn’t I happy?  What had I done wrong in my marriage?  What did I want my life to look, and feel like?

Believe it or not, I am not and was not a “woo woo” kind of girl.  I tend towards being a skeptic and often times, especially back then, fell into the “victim” mentality.  I believed that there were a million reasons why I couldn’t have the life I wanted.

But I was wrong.

As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until this little phrase entered my world, that I really began to understand how I was going to move forward towards creating a new life for myself.  It was going to be one action at a time. One “taking the high road moment” at a time.  One carefully chosen word at a time.

Because how you do anything is how you do everything, it is important to be honest about how you do the “anything”.

For example, how do you perform at work?  What are you friendships like?  How to you approach a challenge?

If you are late with deadlines at work and do not pay close attention to detail, then the chances are that these characteristics can be seen in your personal life and relationships as well.  If you often find yourself having conflict with friends and family members, you will probably find that there is conflict in the other areas of your life too.

This is a particularly important phrase to consider when women (and men for that matter) begin dating again after divorce.  The patterns of behavior and characteristics that can be seen in all areas of your life will reliably present themselves when beginning new relationships as well.  You may be looking for something radically different than the relationship you had with your Ex, but if you don’t do the hard and humbling inner work after your divorce, you will probably attract the same kind of relationship that you had before.

So let me ask you this, do you fully understand how you do “anything”?  And, if you aren’t fully satisfied with your “anything”, perhaps now is the time to break old patterns and set a new standard.

Hurricane Irene seriously took its toll on my property.  I love where I live because I am set in the middle of the woods where there is plenty of quiet and I can get my fill of nature.  However, when Irene came whipping through, she significantly damaged my calm and peaceful property causing many of the small trees to come down and the limbs from the larger trees to rip off.

For the past two months I have been working feverishly to clear out the woods of dead branches and trees.  There are piles of logs, large tree limbs, twigs, tangled vines, and brush all over. It is a mess.

It is such a mess that I haven’t known exactly how to handle it, and in fact, have been completely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it.  But now, after spending hours and hours cleaning it out section by section, I am realizing that this process is not unlike the journey through and after my divorce.

When Irene came through, I had no idea of just how significantly my property had been affected and how long the clean up would take. My divorce, like Irene, also came tearing through my life leaving chaos and a major mess behind it.

I take tremendous pride in keeping my environment clean, tidy and pretty to look at.   It makes me feel comfortable and secure when it is nicely taken care of.  You can only imagine what living with dead trees and piles of sticks and wood all over the place has been like for me!  Especially because no matter what I do, it will never look like it did before.  The good news is that the storm was the catalyst for some long overdue property and garden maintenance that I had been putting off.

Thankfully, the lessons learned through my divorce, and now reinforced by the power of Ms. Irene, have actually enabled me to manage this cleanup in a completely different way.

Here is what you need to know about hurricanes, and divorce:

• It is going to be messy for a while.

There is no way around it.  When something as strong as a hurricane, or divorce, comes into your life, things are going to be complicated and messy even under the best of circumstances.  Looking outside my window and seeing piles of wood, dead trees, and debris everywhere is unsettling and uncomfortable for me.  My divorce was no different.  The amount of change I experienced felt just the same way…uncomfortable, unwelcome and overwhelming.  I have had to learn to get used to it because clean up takes time.  Things are not going to go back to the way they were, they will be different going forward.  My property will never look the same, but I know in time, it will look even better than before.

• It is more and harder work than you can imagine.

Cleaning up after a Hurricane is hard.  I mean really hard.  As a matter of fact, on the days that I have spent my time pulling out branches, cutting them up and carrying them to their proper pile, I don’t even have to think about getting in a workout.  It is a workout.  And it is taking a lot longer than I expected.  But, every day I see the results of my efforts.  Removing so many trees and branches is changing the look of the property.  It is getting cleaner and neater and I have already started to think about the new trees, plants and flowers that I want to add next spring.  The same holds true for divorce.  It takes time, energy and a commitment to working hard to “clean up” during and after the transition.  It is messy for quite a while.  Moving forward and reinventing your new, awesome life is going to take a lot of work.  However, the more work you put into it, the greater the results you are going to see.

• You must have a vision and plan to accomplish it.

 I can’t yet imagine what my property will look like. But here is what I know. With so many trees and branches removed, there is far more sun shining down on the house and the lawn than before.   With this increase in sunlight, I know that the grass will be greener and healthier than it has been and the plants that are already there are going to be fuller than ever.  As well, the floor of the woods should now be able to grow a rich, vibrant ground cover because there is so much more light coming through.  I know that this will not happen over the next year.  In fact, this transformation will happen slowly over time.  I will see it evolve each month and season but my full vision won’t manifest without time, and patience.  I’m sure that you can see how divorce is exactly the same.  When I got divorced, I also lost other relationships.  Again, it was messy…so much changed.   It didn’t feel “pretty” for a while, and it took a lot of work to manage the transition. Through it all I had a vision….a plan for what I wanted my life to look like.  At first I didn’t have the answers to “how” I was going to create my ideal life.  But what I did know was that I had to start someplace and I had to take action.  Step by step I moved towards my vision.

• The chaos and “mess” will evolve into something even more beautiful than before.

I have a clear vision of what my property is going to look like over the next few years, even though I can’t stand to look at it right now.  That vision includes beautiful healthy trees and a lush surrounding of woods.  It includes a lawn and landscaping that gets more air, sun and space than ever before, allowing them to prosper and mature into spectacular gardens.  I see it vividly even knowing that it will take time for that vision to occur.  The same has held true for my life after divorce.  Each month, and year, my new life has emerged and evolved.  I have gained new friendships and relationships, even richer and fuller than before.  I have enjoyed new experiences that have allowed me to grow, evolve and mature into the woman that I am meant to be.  There has been more light, love and joy than I could have possibly imagined.  But I couldn’t have seen it then.  I had to have faith and trust.  And so do you.

What an AWESOME week!

On October 4 I had the privilege and pleasure to be a presenter at a fabulous event called Convention Eleven: An Empowerment Conference for Women! It was an entire day devoted to women, empowerment and reclaiming our power!  My workshop was on Falling in Love with you and Your Life and we had a blast!

I hadn’t intended it but midway through the workshop, we got focused on what gives us our swagger.

For those of you who don’t know, swagger is defined by Urban Dictionary as “how one presents him or her self to the world. Swagger is shown by how the person handles a situation. It can also be shown in the person’s walk.” Essentially, it is slang for MOJO and the way in which we put ourselves out there.

During our time together we explored what swagger is to us. For some it was wearing high heals, for others it was fabulous new lipstick. For some it wasn’t physical appearance related at all, it was the completion of a project or overcoming a challenge.  We looked back in our lives to a time when we felt that the world was ours to own…a time when endless opportunity and possibilities lay in front of us and we knew deep in our hearts that we could accomplish anything. And then, we took careful note of what we did back then; what we wore, how we spent our time, what thoughts ran through our minds and the way we presented ourselves to the world.

Together we reminisced, we giggled and we reclaimed our SWAGGER!

It got me thinking about the D Spot, and why I have chosen to do what I do. Listening to the women as they shared what made them feel good, confident and sexy, I was reminded of exactly why I created the D Spot. And today I want to share that with you!

Do you know where your D Spot is? Better yet, do you even know what the D Spot is?

When I first began my business, I defined the D Spot as the point at which divorce ends and your destiny begins.

Awesome, right? I love this definition and all of the principles I speak, teach and write about, as well as coach clients with, are built on its foundation.

However, I have recently begun to add-on to this definition as I don’t feel that it speaks strongly enough to the beauty, excitement and seduction of the journey during and after divorce.

As I move along my own journey through and after divorce, I am reminded all the time that the D Spot is far more than that. The D Spot is really about creating a sexy, juicy life as you move forward after divorce.

It is the spot within you that may have lay dormant during your marriage and even immediately following, and is now ready to reclaim its position in your life.

The D Spot is the place within you that you sometimes pretend isn’t there. That piece of you that wants to do, be and experience things that you tell yourself you don’t deserve, and can’t have. It is also the piece of you that knows what you really want…and that you CAN have it all.

As you move through and after divorce, you will find yourself on a journey to discover your D Spot. The authenticity of who you are…the reality of what you want. This is at the core of what your new life will look like and will become the foundation on which it is built. It is the force within you that wants to play, touch, feel and experience uninhibited joy, desire and fulfillment.

It is possible that along this journey you will feel the greatest discomfort. However, with this discomfort will come your greatest growth.

The key is to focus your attention and energy on what will be instead of what was. Take a few minutes to reflect on who you really are at your core…who you know you are meant to be! To all of the things that make you feel good, that make you giggle, that make you feel sexy, silly and strong.

You are meant to and CAN live a happy, healthy, juicy, sexy, vibrant, exciting, passionate, meaningful, curious and colorful life!

So, let me ask again…do you know where your D Spot is? What would it mean if you found it?!

Yes, you heard me. Everything you need to create your new and ideal life you learned in your marriage.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized this. But as it happens, it’s true.

It doesn’t matter what your marriage was like, you are and will learn everything you need to know from it.

While I was married I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I even thought that while I wasn’t perfect, I was certainly not to blame for the demise of my marriage…that it was clearly not my fault.

As it turns out, none of these are exactly true. I didn’t know at all what I was doing, I didn’t really know what I want (and need), I had no idea of how to get it and although the divorce was not my “fault”….I absolutely contributed to the deterioration of my marriage.

Looking back now, I realize that my divorce was the catalyst for massive personal growth and that ultimately, my ability to live the life I have now, my ideal life, I owe to all that I learned in my marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t come to this realization easily…nor was the learning process easy either. Before I recognized that my divorce gave me everything I needed to create what I have now, I first went through the pain of it:

• asking myself how it could happen to me
• defending my position as a “victim”
• trying to figure out what would come next
• wondering if I was ever going to find love again
• managing the challenges of co-parenting
• worrying about how to support myself financially

The list went on and on.

I was so immersed on all that was happening to me and consumed by the inequity of it all that I didn’t realize how out of focus I had become.

All I knew was that I had lost my sizzle….my mojo, my “sexy”! I was tired and uninspired. My divorce was over, the papers signed and it was now in my past, but nothing was changing.

And then I reached the moment. The moment when I had enough. The thing about me is that when I have had enough…I mean ENOUGH, I must take massive action.

The problem is that I wasn’t sure what to do, and what actions to take. I had been in therapy for a long time, which had given me the opportunity to explore, review and assess what I had gone through, but now I was ready to make a move. I wanted to move forward and to reclaim my sizzle…get my MOJO and sexy back! It was time.

My journey began with a fabulous life coach who helped me to get clear on what actions to take…and why. But the amazing thing about it was that it was while working with her that I realized that I had learned everything I needed to know through my marriage and its deterioration. I couldn’t believe it.

I had been focusing on the pain, the loss, and all that I no longer had, instead of on what I wanted, needed and now knew.

While you may not know it yet, here is what you are and will learn as you move through and after your divorce:

You will learn what is most important to you.

I truly believed when I began dating my husband and as we started our life together, that I knew what was most important to me. Whether as a woman, wife or mother-to-be, I would have sworn that I knew exactly what it was supposed to look and feel like.

And yet, what I thought mattered most at that time was not accurate, and does not hold true today.

I hadn’t fully known my values and priorities. I thought I did, but it wasn’t without incredibly hard work and being completely honest with myself that I learned my core values.

Over the course of my marriage, and through my increasing unhappiness, I realized that I had not, in fact, really known what mattered most. I had been guided by what I believed “should” matter most. If I knew then what I know now, my decisions and choices would have been vastly different. I know now what does matter most and it is this knowledge that has become the foundation upon which my new, amazing life has been built.

You learn what your greatest weaknesses are.

It is not that I thought I was “perfect”, but it wasn’t until my marriage ended and I began my journey towards creating what would come next that I truly learned what role I had played in its demise. The more I reflected on, explored and worked to understand what had happened in my marriage, the more I learned about me…the good, and the not so good.

It was easy at the time to blame my husband for our marriage failing and to defend my role it in. But that wasn’t fair. We both contributed to its demise; and while he may or may not assume responsibility for his part, it was and is important for me to take responsibility for mine. What we often don’t realize is that taking responsibility for our weaknesses will never diminish anyone else’s bad behavior. Instead it just makes us stronger, wiser and ready for the juicy new life that is waiting for us!

I can’t say that this part of the journey has been my favorite; it is sometimes painful to become aware of and accountable for our imperfections. I can say that the more I understand my imperfections, the more I embrace them. And the more I embrace them, the more I am able to grow and evolve, turning them into attributes that allow me to strengthen the relationships in my life and enjoy far more wonderful experiences than ever before.

You learn who you are and who you are not.

I hardly recognize the woman who was the “wife” in my marriage. As I mentioned, she had lost her sizzle, mojo and “sexy”! It happened slowly over time as I worked hard to be the kind of wife and mother that I believe I “should” be.

I didn’t know who I was at my core, and therefore there was no way for me to be able to walk fully in the power of my amazingness! I wanted to be and do everything for everyone, waiting for affirmation of my hard work and sacrifice and to be granted permission to do and be all the things that make me giggle with joy!

Unfortunately, because I entered my marriage without knowing who I really was and am, there was no way that our union could work. And while my marriage did not work, the journey of learning who I am has opened the door to a life that I could have only imagined and that has allowed me bring my mojo and sexy back to all of the roles I have!

You learn all that you don’t know.

This was the most challenging thing to learn and yet at the same time, it was in learning how much I don’t know that the spark of curiosity in my soul was ignited.

When your marriage dissolves and you go through the process of divorce, you quickly realize how much you don’t know. During that time I found myself asking the same question over and over again, “how did I get here?”

I simply didn’t know. I didn’t know what had happened. And now, I didn’t know who to be, what to do and how to do it. So I started asking questions. I became curious. Before long my curiosity had taken over. I wanted to learn about me, what I do and why. I wanted to learn how to make choices that would be great for me. I also wanted to learn about those around me; my children, my friends, my family and men. I wanted to understand why they do what they do.

In my quest to understand, I have learned that there are amazing people and resources to support me along my journey and to help me be a better woman, mother, partner and friend.

I am still aware of how little I know and I take every opportunity to learn and to grow. It is this curiosity that has become the catalyst for my growth and has opened up amazing opportunities and possibilities.

As we enter the final quarter of 2011, I hope you will join me on a journey to understand all that you have learned through your marriage, and divorce, so that together we can create a foundation upon which your new and SPECTACULAR life will be built!

When is the last time you made “shift” happen?

When is the last time you recognized that things might not be going the way that you want them to go and rather than make excuses for why they aren’t or sit back and accept that this is the way your life is supposed to be (the “I am a victim in my own life” approach), instead assume responsibility and take massive action to turn things around?

I don’t mean hoping that tomorrow will be a better day than today or wishing that you had better luck, I mean MASSIVE action?

Let me explain what I mean.

Have you ever ended a relationship only to look back and see all the things that “should have” been red flags that you ignored at the time? And now know that having been unable to “see” the red flags resulted in your staying in a relationship that didn’t serve you far longer than you needed to be.

Has this ever happened to you?

Falling out of flow, or disconnecting from your Power of Intention while you are moving through divorce is a similar experience.

Have you ever find yourself wondering why you are not in the relationship you desire, why you are facing mounting financial challenges, why you are unable to enjoy a fun and sexy social life, or why you avoid taking the steps to living a healthy and fit life?

Or, perhaps you are feeling like things never go your way?

While you may have felt this way when you were in your marriage, many of you may be experiencing these emotions now as you move through or forward after your divorce.  And chances are, you have been slowly disconnecting from your own FLOW for a long time.

Ending a long term relationship or marriage and going through a divorce often disrupts our connection with our FLOW and disconnects us from our Power of Intention.

As I mentioned last week, if you want to read a fabulous book about the Power of Intention, pick up or download Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way. If this entire concept is new to you, I promise that you will enjoy it as a wonderful introduction to taking control of your own destiny!

What I really want to share with you is not just how easy it is to lose sight that the best is yet to come, even if you can’t see it yet, but more importantly, the ways in which you can shift your thinking NOW to help open the door to all that will be as you begin to create your new life!

The following is taken from Dr. Dyer’s book and are four ways of thinking that can prevent you from reaching for and connecting to your Power of Intention and the ways you can SHIFT your thoughts to open to all that can be:

• Thinking about what is missing in your life. To match up with intention, you first have to catch yourself in that moment you’re thinking about what’s missing. Then shift to intention. Not what I find missing in my life, but to what I absolutely intend to manifest and attract into my life – with no doubts, no waffling, and no explaining!
• Thinking about the circumstances of your life. If you don’t like some of the circumstances of your life, by all means don’t think about them. You must train your imagination to shift from what you don’t want to what you do want. All of that mental energy you spend complaining about what is – to anyone who will listen – is a magnet for attracting more of what is into your life.
• Thinking about what has always been. When your inner speech focuses on the way things have always been, you act upon your thoughts of what has always been, and the universal all-creating force continues to deliver what has always been. Make a shift and catch yourself when you’re focusing on what always has been, and move your inner speech to what you intend to manifest.
• Thinking about what “they” want for you. There’s probably a long list of people who have strong ideas about what you should do, how you should be thinking and what you should feel. Practice catching yourself when you have a thought of what others want for you, and ask yourself, Does this expectation match up with my own? Shift your attention away from what other want or expect for you to how you want to live your life.

I hope that this gives you just few tools for making “shift” happen!

You are not meant to be sad, lonely, “un-fun”,angry, resentful, uninterested and closed off.   Take a few minutes to remember who you really are at your core…who you know you are meant to be!

You ARE meant to live a happy, healthy, juicy, sexy, vibrant, exciting, passionate, meaningful, curious and colorful life!  Together we will put these principles and more into practice to turn your new reality into the foundation for your amazing future!