The D Spot

Do you remember playing Truth or Dare when you were a teenager?  What did you prefer, telling a truth or accepting the challenge of a dare?

To be completely honest, I was afraid of both, which is probably why I avoided this game at all costs growing up.  And all through my marriage I found myself still avoiding both of these options.

But divorce changed all that; it tends to do that.  Moving through and forward after divorce is the fastest way to conquer your fear of speaking your truth and daring to do what you have never done before.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about all the ways that we allow fear to hold us back from what we want and are meant to do.  And I have decided that I will no longer allow it to prevent me from experiencing what I want in my life.

Last weekend I did something that I have wanted to do for a long time but have always made excuses as to why I couldn’t do it.  I participated in my first Warrior Dash.  The Warrior Dash is an obstacle run.  It is a 5K run with about 10 obstacle challenges along the course.

While I take care of myself and am pretty fit, the thought of the Warrior Dash was a little intimidating for me.  And yet, at the same time, it has always looked like something really fun to do.  So in the spring, I posted a call to action on my facebook page to see if anyone would like to do it with me. To be honest, I got a lot of people telling me how fun it looked; but I did not get many who wanted to commit to doing it with me.  Despite the lack of commitment by others, I wasn’t going to give up.

Eventually, a lovely woman who I went to high school with jumped in and said she would love to join; we hadn’t really connected in almost 20 years and I was delighted to seize this opportunity!  Then, a friend and colleagues said she would love to join as well.  By the end of the summer we had six women on our team, three that I had never met before.  We decided to name our team, Dash Divas.

So last weekend, I found myself standing at the Starting Line of my first Warrior Dash with my six Dash Divas, all of us doing something scary for the first time.  And it was a blast!

We were nervous, and excited, and committed to finishing together…leaving no woman behind!  Here we are crossing the finish line!!

I was so proud of myself, so proud of us.  Daring to do something we have all wanted to do;  challenging ourselves to fight through our nerves and our fear!

Life during and after divorce is full of opportunities to dare ourselves to live the life we imagine, and deserve; if we choose to see those opportunities and take advantage of them.

It can be comfortable to stay where we are, even if it is not where we really want to be.  Moving forward is uncomfortable and frightening, but everything you want is on the other side of fear.  And the only way to get there is to step out of your comfort zone.

So, I dare you.

 I dare you to do something you have always wanted to do.

I dare you to look for opportunities that scare you, and to face your fear and do it anyway.

I dare you to be uncomfortable, knowing that what you really want is on the other side of it.

I dare you to speak your truth.

I dare you to push yourself harder than anyone else will.

I dare you to be vulnerable and scared, we all are.

I dare you to take risks, because you will grow from them.

I dare you to let go of what was, because your future is waiting for you.

I dare you to open yourself up to new friends, new experiences and new love.

I dare you to ask for the support you deserve.

I dare you to express your desires out loud.

I dare you do just one thing every day that moves you towards the life you imagine.

I dare you to be YOU…because you are magnificent; you are brilliant, bold and courageous beyond measure.

Together, just like me and my Dash Divas, we will boldly move forward, leaving no woman behind.

You are not alone.  We are in this together!

So the time has come for me to “come out” and share more intimately and transparently with you where me and the D Spot are headed.  It is time for full disclosure.

Over the past couple of years I have been walking my talk in my own personal life.  Having gone through my own divorce almost 8 years ago, I have been on my own personal journey since then; a journey towards designing the life that I imagine and deserve.  And guess what?  It really works.

The self-exploration, the personal growth work, and the relentless pursuit to be all that I am meant to be are all paying off…in all areas of my life.

However, I have discovered and learned so much along the way, and I want to share some of it with you.

The greatest thing I have learned is that living your extraordinary life includes many ups and downs.  The challenges are inevitably unexpected, and yet are reliable.  It may seem from my newsletters, facebook posts and tweets that I walk through each day empowered, inspired and skipping with joy, but the truth is, I don’t.

Yes, I am living the life that I imagine, and deserve; and I have never been happier.  But, it takes daily practice, discipline and focus to not only make progress forward, but to maintain the standard that I have set for myself.  A standard that I set after my divorce when I gave myself permission to figure out and define what I really, truly wanted to experience in my life.

Living with mediocrity in my life and relationships is something that I have never been good at, and yet for many years I did. When I finally acknowledged that I was not truly happy in my life, I slowly began to imagine what it would look and feel like to actually be happy.  I wanted it, but felt powerless to make the changes that would get me where I wanted to be. Truth be told, I had absolutely no idea how to do it.   All I knew was that after my divorce, I made a commitment to myself, that mediocrity would never be good enough…good would never be good enough.  I wanted extraordinary.  I wanted exceptional.  And I wanted it in my life, love and everything in between.

It has been a journey. A journey I never could have foreseen, predicted or imagined. It has had unimaginable highs and excruciatingly painful lows.  Through it all, I have discovered, learned and mastered what it takes to create an extraordinary life and love.  And teaching this to others, to YOU, is my passion.  It is what I am meant to do.

Whether it looks like it from the outside or not, no one who goes through divorce, man or woman, comes through it unscathed.  We are all affected, we are all forever changed. However it is what we do with the change that determines our destiny.

Full Disclosure.  I am no different than you.

I have my own fair share of co-parenting challenges; they are painful and they are not at all what I wanted.  And while I can’t control my Ex, or any other person, I am in full control of how I react and respond to them.  And I take this control seriously.

I attracted, created and sustain an extraordinary relationship with a man I love, but he is flawed.  I am flawed.  And it has many challenges and obstacles.  We have four kids between us, three Ex’s (he has been divorced twice), step parents and plenty of parenting issues.  Integrating and blending our lives has been difficult, and yet through the challenges, we grow closer and our relationship deeper and more extraordinary.  I walk my talk; and it is not always easy.  But it works and that is why I do what I do.

I have plenty of bad days.  I have days when I am scared to death of what my future holds.  And if I have what it takes to create the life that imagine; especially because what I imagine is a BIG vision; abundant with resources and love.  I have days when I think that I am not enough…not good enough, smart enough or capable enough of doing all that I want.  But I know that this is just my inner mean girl talking and that she has no idea what she is talking about!  And I know  how to shut her up!  There will always be those who doubt and who are worried about me, including my inner mean girl…but I walk my talk; and I know that creating my plan and sticking to it is going to get me where I want to go.  I also know that surrounding myself with people who inspire, empower and support me is critical to living the life I desire.

I have my own coach…actually coaches.  I know that I am not meant to do this alone.  And neither are you.  They are the ones who push me to be more than I already am, to be, do and create all that I am meant to.  They challenge me and hold me accountable.  I could not do this without them.

You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You have all that it takes to get exactly what you want.  Now it is your choice; how badly do you want it?

“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.”
― Betty Friedan

The celebration of freedom and independence means something different to each person.  Until my divorce, I had not really given any real thought to what these two words meant to me.  Yes, I took time to appreciate the freedoms that being an American affords me and on July 4^th, would acknowledge these freedoms with family, friends and fabulous fireworks!

Leading up to and through my divorce, these two words, freedom and independence, took on an entirely new meaning for me.  In fact, it was the exploration of what they meant to me that allowed me to begin to understand what I truly wanted my life to look and feel like.

So here is a little bit about what freedom and independence mean to me and the future I am creating.

I strive every day to fully accept and embrace the gift of life that I possess;  The beautiful vessel that is my body and the magic that is my mind.  It is easy to take these gifts for granted and forget to take care of them.  Being independent and free can only be explored when built on the foundation of good health; physically, spiritually and emotionally.

With my mind, my body and my soul, I am able to do, be and create anything that I want; one step at a time.  The only limitations are those that I put on myself which will only happen if I allow fear to drive my direction.

Freedom for me is being free to express who I am and what I want in a way that honors the magnificence of all human beings.  Not only my lover/partner, children, family and friends, but all those with whom I come into contact.  It is taking responsibility for the way I speak to, the way I act towards and the way I treat others.  Our words and actions have the power to hurt or to heal others and this is a responsibility I take seriously.

Freedom for me is giving myself permission to make choices and decisions in my life that feed my mind, body and soul, and that allow me to continuously grow into the woman I am meant to be.  I am grateful for the gift of choice and use it to surround myself with people who inspire, empower and support me to further evolve and grow.  I recognize that in growing my connection to others who appreciate and respect their freedoms, we are able to share and spread them to even more people.

Freedom for me is standing firmly in my role as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, lover, partner and friend.  It is the ability to define these roles around who I am at my core.  This freedom is the gift of being able to step into each of these roles and ROCK each one!  I love each one of them and together, they become the fabric of who I am as a woman!  I can be exactly the mother I want to be by fully embracing the uniqueness that is me, just as I do with my partner, my family and my friends.

For many years in my marriage I did not feel free; nor did I feel independent as a woman.  It would be easy to say that my husband “controlled” our life, but the reality is that I allowed it; in fact I didn’t do much to assert myself and what I wanted.  Blaming would be easier, but it is not the truth.  I gave up my power, my freedom and my independence with my desire to be a “good” wife and mother.  What I did not understand at the time was that in owning my freedom and my independence, I woud become a stronger, healthier and whole woman and therefore, a more exceptional wife and mother.

While there are many things that I can’t control, my ability to be independent and free is well within my control.  This was one of the greatest lessons I learned from my divorce.

Divorce can often lead us to feel less in control than we really are.  In fact, with all of the emotions divorce can create, feeling paralyzed and unable to embrace our new freedom and independence is common.  Reclaiming our personal power and learning how to embrace our new freedom and independence is a critical part of the divorce journey.

This week, where we celebrate our National Independence Day, I hope you will join me in committing to reclaiming your freedom and your independence.  They are gifts that cost nothing, and open the door to priceless rewards.

So this week was the final week of my first ever Are You Ready…for your New Life and Love program and all I have to say is WOW!  What an amazing experience!

One of the things that I love most about what I do is the opportunity to continuously learn and evolve from all of the women that come into my life through my business.  Every email you send me, every conversation we have, and every experience you have teaches me something not only about myself, but also about moving powerfully forward in the creation of life after divorce.

This program allowed me to share five weeks with seven amazing women.  Together we broke through challenges, reconnected with ourselves and designed our new stories.  I was reminded just how powerful it is to come together as magnificent women and support each other in the creation of our ideal lives!  I am truly sad that this first program has come to an end, but I am pumped because I have decided to do it again this fall!!

     Seven women.

     Five Weeks.

     Radical Transformation!!

I wanted to share a little about our experience over the past five weeks because as we all recognized, we are not alone in our journey.  It can feel isolating at times, but once we started talking and sharing our stories, there were commonalities across all of our unique situations.

Your divorce holds the key to unlocking your extraordinary future.

Yes, you heard me correctly.

Through the ending of your marriage and your journey through divorce, you have the ability to learn all that you need to create what you want…IF YOU ALLOW IT!

For so many of us, the exhaustion of the process, the feeling of overwhelm, and the emotions of sadness, grief and anger prevent us from learning what we need to create our new lives.

Instead, we resist.

We defend.

We judge.

We retaliate.

We sabotage.

We do and say many things that in the end, only hurt us.

What was so incredible for me was watching women just like you step out of these limiting behaviors and thoughts, and instead, replace them with MOJO!  With hope.  With brilliant and bold intentions.  With desire.  And with passion.  It was AWESOME!

For those of you who participated in the program and are reading this; THANK YOU!  Thank you for your courage, your inspiration, your magnificence, your depth, your commitment and your energy!  I am a better person for sharing this time with you!

And for all of you…if you are feeling alone, uninspired, unmotivated, sad, angry, overwhelmed, anxious or simply exhausted…know that your new life is right around the corner.  Even if you can’t see it yet.

You are at the beginning.  The beginning of the rest of your life; and it is there ready for you to reclaim it!

I appreciate you indulging me while I brag about the incredible women who shared this time with me.  It was too short…just the tip of the iceberg!

If you are interested in participating in the next Are You Ready?! Program that will take place this fall…just email me at discoverthedspot@gmail.com and I will make sure you get the information as soon as it is ready.

Even more exciting…I am creating an Are You Ready Alumni group so that as you complete the program, you will be able to join the other women in sharing, supporting, and encouraging each other as you move forward!

P.S.  Here are quotes from four of the seven women who participated…I hope you enjoy seeing their transformations as much as I did!

• “I have to say once I started this exercise I felt energized, passionate (gasp!) and alive!  I loved it, couldn’t stop working on it.  Thank you so much for introducing me to this – it feels like I’m on the right track when I’m thinking this way.  It’s so easy to get stuck in the pain of what could have been, the losses you suffer on a daily basis (sharing kids, etc) that your forget how truly amazing your life is & will be.  So, thanks again.  Fantastic!  Can’t wait to work on this some more. “

• “Thanks Laura!!!  Your guidance and posts help me believe I can do this.  Ur program is pretty amazing!”

• “The D Spot has been a huge part of me reclaiming my life and helping me heal and move on with my life.”

• “THANK YOU!  I thought the first session was fabulous and I can’t wait for this process to unfold.”

I don’t know about you, but there were a lot of thoughts running around my head as I read the Fifty Shades trilogy.

Yes, I am aware that they are a fun, erotic series of novels and that, of course, not one that can possibly be based in reality…or can it?

The truth is that while they are in fact perhaps exaggerations of what we define as “real” or appropriate, they are exactly that…exaggerations. Exaggerations built on thoughts that you and I often think and feel, deep down inside. Things like:

• Can sex be that passionate and crazy good?
• How much “experimentation” is “normal”?
• Am I a freak if I want to try a little bit of “that” (just a little!)…under “appropriate” circumstances?
• There is no way that a man like that could fall madly in love with a woman like that?
• Is it possible that a man could ever love me that much?
• Could I ever love a man that much?

The list goes on and on…and that is why this trilogy has skyrocketed to the best seller list. It opens the door to our imagination, our passion, and our possibilities.

One of the most significant lessons that I took from these books is what I know already to be true; that it is critical to speak our truth, no matter how afraid or how vulnerable we feel.

James, in her trilogy, created characters Christian and Anastasia, as dramatic exaggerations of what could be any two individuals that are seemingly so different from each other.

Christian Grey “seems” at first to be a sexual deviant, an abusive, crazy and “narcissistic” man. And yes, he is extreme (controlling, sexually “out there”, and self-centered)…for you and I. However, when viewing him through a lens of curiosity and compassion, Anastasia finds a man who has been deeply wounded, is carrying “fifty shades of baggage”, and ultimately, wants to love and be loved, but has no idea of what healthy love looks like. Of course, this is shrouded in over the top dominant scenarios and crazy drama throughout the book.

What I am talking about are the underlying messages. Shown through the relentless pursuit of Anastasia to understand him and extract his truth.

Anastasia is just the opposite. With no experience at love, intimacy or sex of any kind, she is simply nervous, excited, scared, curious and vulnerable. However, she is also smart and confident. And while she is also ultimately looking to love and be loved, she navigates being open to what she doesn’t know and understand, with caution, safe boundaries and her truth.

There is tension between them, not only sexually, but because in honoring their own individual truths, they learn that they will have to share their fears, their vulnerabilities and their deepest desires.

It is never easy to share with someone we care about what our deepest truth is. It takes courage, clarity and risk. Risk that the other person will be angry with us; that they will judge us; that they won’t love us. These fears often cause us to turn and flee, abandoning our truth and ultimately placing us in a situation we don’t really want at our core.

Christian and Anastasia take the risk; albeit painfully. And, they eventually reap the reward for it. But the messages are clear:

• get clear on what your deepest truth is
• be prepared to set boundaries that honor your truth but allow for growth; then,
• honor your boundaries; with kindness and compassion
• extraordinary love only comes when we share our truth; our fears, vulnerabilities, and deepest desires

So, do you know what your deepest truth is?

What holds you back from speaking your truth?

So, how many of you have read Fifty Shades of Grey?  If you haven’t yet, you must.

Over my vacation last week, I decided to catch up on my pleasure reading which included the Fifty Shades trilogy, and I am so glad I did.  Not because of the sex, which was fabulously fun to read, but more importantly, because the underlying messages of the book are those that are in alignment with all that I stand for.

The books, which most will say are simply erotica for the middle aged, is really a love story; and one that touches upon the very core of what effortless, extraordinary love is all about.

• Yes, the book is deliciously erotic.
• Yes, the book touches upon sexual content that is edgy and may be outside of our comfort zone.
• Yes, the book is exaggerated and extreme in its story.

However, the messages are, in my opinion, critical to the success of any good relationship.  Over the next few blog posts, I am going to share my thoughts about Fifty Shades and what it means for you as you create your new life and love after divorce.

I feel that the most significant message of the book is that things are not always what they seem. 

This is a story of two seemingly unsuited individuals who, over time, prove that they are more of an ideal fit than they could have ever imagined.

We all come with “baggage”, especially after divorce.  As a matter of fact, going through it we develop our own “fifty shades of divorce” and these fifty shades are what become part of the fabric of our lives as well as the experience that best prepares us for our next chapter.

The relationship between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele is one that allows the reader to take our own discomfort with how we think we would handle their situation and view it relative to how their relationship grows and evolves.

Extraordinary love is created when we engage and communicate with our lover/partner with curiosity and compassion.  When our curiosity about why someone does what they do outweighs our need to judge them.  When our desire to understand outweighs our need to react.

The book creates a relationship that is built on the curiosity and compassion shared between Christian and Anastasia and we watch as they question and challenge each other and their “baggage” with humor, desire and passion. 

They are each more interested in learning about each other and what motivates their actions, behaviors and words than they are about pushing each other away because of discomfort and fear.

Moving through and forward after divorce is an experience that can become   our defining story if we let it and can sometimes leave us feeling emotionally reactive and protective.

As we create and attract new relationships after divorce; with our Ex, with our children, and with new romance; leading with curiosity and compassion will ultimately open the door to extraordinary experiences.

I won’t give away the ending, but I will tell you that what happens between them is only possible because they are both willing to:

1.  Use the truth and experiences of their past as opportunities to grow and evolve, becoming a catalyst for change; and

2.  Look past the way things might “seem” with a desire to understand and to unleash the potential in each other. 

 As you move forward through and after your divorce, remember that things are not always what they seem.   There are always reasons why people act the way they do, say the things they do and react the way they do.    If you approach every situation with curiosity and compassion, you will not only discover what is really going on beneath the surface, but you will discover how to communicate in a way that will get you exactly what you want!

 Stay tuned for Part 2 of Fifty Shades of Your New Life after Divorce!

Many of you know that over the past few years I have become a passionate football fan.

There is something I love about the masculinity of it, the strategy of it, the strength of it and the excitement of it. Over time I have learned about each team, each quarterback and the strengths and weaknesses of each team. While I don’t have a favorite team, I do have a few that I like more than others and for lots of reasons.

Like many Americans, I have also been intrigued by the young rising star, Tim Tebow, who some are calling “the Chosen One”.

Not knowing much about him, I had the opportunity last week to watch a documentary about him. I was folding laundry (as I usually do on Sundays) and while flipping around the channels, I came across this special just as it was starting.

While it was only an hour, seeing his journey gave me a growing sense of appreciation for this young man and athlete, and I was taken by his courage, tenacity and commitment to his Big Vision; all mirroring my work with women moving through and forward after divorce.

Here are a few tips that I learned from Tim Tebow about creating what comes next:

1.     Set your vision and don’t take your eye off of it.

It is clear from the film that Tim had a vision of being a star football player from a very young age. As he moved farther along his career and eventually through college, he had received almost as many awards, recognitions and accolades as are possible. However, in his quest to be drafted to the NFL, he also realized that none of that mattered. Those achievements were not what would necessarily earn him a place on a major league team.

I thought a lot about this because there are parallels in this to what we experience through and after divorce. I does not necessarily matter what we had, how amazing a spouse we were or what acknowledgement we do or do not get now; what matters is to stay focused on the vision of what our ideal and extraordinary life will be. I was struck by Tim Tebow’s ability at a young age to accept his accomplishments as just that, bu t remain focused on his goals and all that it would take to achieve them. A wonderful lesson for all of us.

2.     Create your “Dream Team”, but even with them, what happens next is up to you.

Through the film you are introduced to all of the experts, professionals and coaches that Tim uses in his preparation for reaching his goal. You are also introduced to his family, especially his father and brother, who support him along every step of his journey. He makes it clear that creating this incredible team of and circle of support is essential for him to gain the information, skills and guidance that he needs to move towards his vision.

However, he also shares that while the team is outstanding; they are not responsible for getting it done. They are not responsible for achieving his goal, and in fact; he alone is.

I found this to be completely in alignment with my philosophy both personally and professionally. I believe that creating a team of experts and circle of support is essential for moving through a nd forward after divorce. But I also believe that no matter how much support we are all receiving, we will not create the lives we are meant to live unless we step fully into owning responsibility for it. If we want something, it is not only up to each of us to get the support we need, but to take responsibility for doing whatever it takes to get it!

3.     There is no shortcut; getting what you want takes tremendous strength, commitment and discipline.

Finally, Tim Tebow shows us through this film, that there is no easy way to get what we want. No money in the world, no amount of popularity and no accolades will guarantee that we will get it. The only way to create what we want and to reach our goals is to do the incredible hard work that is necessary to prepare us to get there.

He dedicated every hour of every day to doing whatever it takes. Training and then training more. Studying, researching, learning…from sun-up to sun-down, Tim put 100% of his time, energy, and attention into his vision. It didn’t matter that the public, the media and football experts around the world doubted his ability and challenged his capabilities. It didn’t matter that friends and fellow athletes were living lives much different to his. It didn’t matter that it wa s grueling work and consumed his life. In the end, he was drafted; and it was not because he was good looking or performed in college. It was because his complete dedication, discipline and mindset were focused on what he wanted.

I was humbled by his work ethic, his commitment and his ability to fight through his own and other people’s limiting beliefs and thoughts to manifest what he wanted. I had not known just how hard he worked for it and I gained a sense of appreciation for him as well as seeing the power of possibility.

When facing the uncertainty of creating a new life after divorce, it is exactly these strategies and attributes that will allow us to be open to the possibility of our potential; and step into the confidence that we can create all that we want.

I am grateful to have stumbled onto this film, it was wonderful! If you have the chance to see this great documentary, I hope you will take the opportunity to watch it!

A couple of weeks ago my son and I got into a conversation about a friend of his who wanted to break up with his girlfriend. We talked about why his friend had come to this decision and then I asked him how he thought he was going to break up with her.

He shifted around in his chair for a few minutes and said that he wasn’t sure.

At this point, I suggested that his friend, and all teenagers,  needed to talk with their boyfriend/girlfriends face to face and be calm, clear, concise and confident in the conversation.  They had been together almost a year and the relationship, and his girlfriend, deserved an honest conversation.  I also shared with him that breaking up through facebook, texting or an email was not an appropriate or mature way to end a relationship.  And since he tells me all the time that he and his friends are now “men”, that this would be a good opportunity for him to guide his friend to step fully into what a mature man would do.

He responded that his friend was afraid to have the conversation because whenever so many times she he has tried to talk with her about it, she started to cry and beg him not to do it. Then she would be “mean” to him and he felt really bad.  But my son knew that his friend was not at all happy in the relationship and that his feelings of guilt, and fear, were making this conversation extremely difficult to have.

This is far too common a theme among our teenagers today, and sadly, far too common among adults as well.

Fast forward to today and his friend did have the conversation, and she did cry.  And then it was over.

Lately, a number of my clients have been struggling with how to tell their husbands that they are terribly unhappy and in fact, want to “break up”; that it is time to get a divorce.

And I have realized that we as adults have no easier a time with the “break up” than teenagers do.  My conversation with my son was just the beginning of teaching him how to manage conflict and learn to tell someone close to you what they don’t want to hear.  A skill that is not often taught but is necessary for creating a life you want, and can have.

Difficult conversations…nobody wants to have them, but they are a necessary part of life.

Divorce is the ultimate break up.  And yet, the conversation I had with my son is almost the same one that I have with any individual who is unhappy in their marriage and has made the decision to divorce.  This is a scary, upsetting, and difficult conversation to have; but one that must be done with equal parts of calm, compassion, clarity and honesty.  These are the cornerstones of exceptional communication which will become the foundation upon which your new future, relationships and love will be built.

No one wants to look into the face of someone they have cared about or loved, and tell them something that will hurt them, anger them or cause them deep sadness.  No one wants to be responsible for making another person cry.  But that can sometimes not be avoided, no matter what. These are natural reactions to hearing something you don’t like hearing.

Difficult conversations require support, preparation and a strategy for success.  And in the case of divorce, it is a conversation that can set the tone for the entire divorce process.

They should not be had in public, on facebook, through texts or via email (unless there is danger involved).   Difficult conversations don’t have to be angry or loud to be effective.  Instead, the most successful difficult conversations happen when the person initiating the conversation remains calm and allows the person receiving to have whatever feelings they have.

Unfortunately, the fear associated with initiating this conversation can be so great that the pain associated with having it seems worse than the pain that comes with avoiding it and instead choosing to do something indirectly that will force the “break up”.  For example, having an affair, creating a magnificent argument that turns into a battle, texting it…  These actions create adrenaline which can give a false sense of courage.

Telling someone something they don’t want to hear takes courage and the knowledge that truth and honesty always prevail; which they do.

If you are struggling with how you are going to have a difficult conversation,  get support, make sure you have clarity around what you want say and what you want the outcome to be, and communicate with compassion.

Once you master the skill of managing difficult conversations, you will enjoy the reward of extraordinary relationships…and love.

What is it that keeps us working so hard for the friendships and intimate, love relationship that we so desperately desire?

Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of women who are working harder than ever at friendships and relationships that are depleting them of energy, enthusiasm and inspiration.   And yet, despite recognizing that these relationships are exhausting and exasperating, they continue to try harder to do more, be more and say more.

At some point, the exhaustion, frustration and depletion becomes more than they can bear and something momentous happens, changing the relationship forever.

Perhaps it is an affair.  That becomes the catalyst for the ending of a marriage that was not healthy to begin with.

 Perhaps there a fight of epic proportions for which things are said that can never be taken back.

 Or perhaps there is silence.  A silence so great that the hole that is left creates emotions that will take years to heal.

By the time this happens, the wounds are so deep and so painful; they require extreme care to heal.  And usually, the relationship can’t recover from them.

Divorce is often the result of what is not said and done, rather than what is said and done; although many would argue differently.  And by the time a woman comes to me for support, it is hard to get clarity around what she really wants to say…or, wanted to say; wishes she had said.

The same holds true, by the way, for friendships.  There are often parallels between what happens in divorce and what happens in the demise of a close friendship.

Why is this?

Well, if we aren’t saying what we really want and need to say, our partner/friends can’t hear what we really want and need them to hear.

It is not much more complicated than that.

You see, here is the simple truth.  You don’t have to be, do or say anything special to be loved.  Nope.  You just have to be YOU.

Honest you.

Authentic you.

Compassionate you.

Loving you.

Direct you.

Kind you.

Beautiful you.

 YOU…are enough.

You don’t have to buy sexy clothes. You don’t have to prepare fancy meals.  You don’t have to clean your house top to bottom.  Nor do you have to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, your desires or your interests to express your love and devotion.

You…the raw truth of who you are, is perfectly enough. 

Love is meant to be shared, from the inside out.  It is not meant to be earned, bought or judged.  It is simply meant to be felt and shared.

When you find yourself in a relationship or friendship that is causing you to work hard to do, be or say anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are, it is time to come clean.  It is time to say what needs to be said and allow the relationship to grow…or fade.

While this is not an easy thing to do, it is what will lead you to freedom.

Freedom to be the YOU that you are meant to be!

I am so pleased to be able to share my new friend and colleague, Karen McMahon with you! She has been kind enough to be my guest blogger this week.  She and I have philosophies that are in absolute alignment…as a matter of fact, when I first read her post, I thought to myself that I could have been the author!

I hope you enjoy her words of wisdom. 

I will Thrive in My New Life: Consciously choose thoughts that serve you

By Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach

You are what you think.  Negative thoughts generate negative emotions; positive thoughts generate positive emotions.  

Have you ever heard the saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it?” The idea is this… Divorce is difficult and painful at times, that is a given and no one is suggesting that you walk around making believe you are blissfully happy.  That would be equally unhealthy.  You need to feel your feelings.  But you do not have to wallow in them.

Take a close look at that negative statement you so often say to yourself and see how true it is.  For instance, if your overriding thought is, ‘I’m never going to be able to make it on my own”, how is this going to make you feel? Actually, how true is that statement?

What have you done in your past, who do you have in your support system, what protections are yours under the law that point to the fact that you will be okay?  But your fear, your gremlin, lurking in the dark alleys of your mind, is there to scare you and keep you in fear. You can choose to live in the ‘what if’s’ and they are usually all the negative possibilities of what might happen, or you can change your thoughts.

Shine a light on that dark and scary place that your mind goes to by replacing your negative, self-defeating statement with a truer one.  “I am strong and capable and I can make it on my own.” Or “I will not only survive this divorce, but once it is over, I will thrive in my new life.” Choose the words that resonate with you, your real truth.  Then say it out loud. Say it again and again.  How does it feel?  Your feelings will change when you own this new positive statement about yourself.   Your energy will shift from negative to positive.  And you will begin to manifest the future you desire.

1. Take a few minutes to jot down the negative statements about yourself and your situation that you have been focusing on
2. Ask yourself how real they are
3. Replace them with statements that more accurately represent who you are and what you are capable of creating for yourself
4. Begin to live these new statements

If you have been listening to that negative voice in your head, change it today and share your experience with us. 

Karen McMahon, Certified Divorce Coach & Master Energy Practitioner, wrote this post. Karen is the founder of KM Life Coaching and co-author of “Navigating Your Divorce: A guide to the Legal, Financial and Emotional Basics”, a free ebook. Karen’s passion is to work with men and women going through the divorce process; helping them navigate the difficulties while focusing on personal growth and embracing the opportunities that lie ahead.