The D Spot

So, when is the last time you felt angry.  Really angry.

What made you angry…do you know exactly what you were really angry about?

Divorce elicits many emotions, one of the most prominent being anger.   As I have moved through and forward after my own divorce, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my marriage; what had gone wrong, what role did I play and how I would choose to do things differently in my next chapter.

I am not proud of it, but during my marriage, I let anger run rampant in my life.  The more unhappy and dis-empowered I felt in my life, the more anger crept in; in my communication, in my actions and in my behavior.

Anger became the fuel for me to be courageous.  The more I tapped into my anger, the more confident I felt saying what how I really felt and what I really wanted; even if it came out louder and more confrontational than I actually meant.

The problem is that anger makes it almost impossible for the person you are talking with to hear you and to understand what you are saying.  My feelings of frustration and discontent found their voice through anger.  I snapped at my kids, my husband and my family; especially my mother.

I hated that I was irritable and sharp; but while I recognized it, I was unable to do anything about it.   It protected me from the fear, the sadness and the raw truth that lay underneath.

What I hadn’t learned yet is that you don’t have to be angry to be powerful. 

So many of us use anger as fuel to be courageous, honest and to honor how we really feel.  We develop a habit of tapping into anger when we feel fear and discomfort.   The problem is that anger never gets us the result we want and instead, deteriorates our relationships unnecessarily.

Power actually comes from replacing anger and confrontation with assertiveness and compassion.

So how does one accomplish this?

Trust your truth.

Under your anger is the truth of what you feel; but this truth might scare you.  In fact, your truth may be difficult to speak; I know because I have been there myself.  But before you go to the place of anger, trust yourself.  And remember that the truth, your truth, always prevails.

Find a new fuel.

Anger is not a healthy way to gain confidence and courage.  Instead, think back to a time when you acted courageously; when you were brave.  Recall how you felt, how did you find your bravery.  Know that you already have everything you need within you.

Say it with a whisper.

Yes, you heard me.  The quieter your voice, the more powerful your words will be.  And, the lower your voice, the less angry you will become and easier it will be for you to be heard.  Your voice may shake, you may feel extreme discomfort; but you will have a greater chance of saying what you really want to say when the cloak of red, hot and loud anger is removed.

You are powerful beyond measure.  Get rid of the anger and set yourself free.

There is nothing that can be more painful, and empowering, than healing from and moving forward after divorce.  And more specifically, from the process of understanding what really happened.

  Not just looking back and re-living the awful behavior of our partner; the infidelity, the verbal abuse, the self-centeredness, the insensitivity, the lack of  passion, lack of attention and inability to partner fully, but understanding the real reasons that things didn’t work out in the first place.

I knew early on in my marriage that mine was  not the right marriage, or relationship, for me.  Of course I didn’t know it intellectually, but rather way, deep down inside; in a place thickly covered by fear, sadness, disappointment, and a desire to make it work as I believed I was supposed to do.

Many years later, as my courage, confidence and shear unhappiness allowed me to set my “knowing” free and eventually divorce, I found myself in the process of moving forward after divorce.  And even my “knowing” that divorce was the right thing for us did not prevent the pain, the sadness and the exhaustion of doing the hard work of understanding what happened, so that I could begin to create the life I truly did want.

Initially this process began with the comfort of fully exploring (elaborating) and accepting all of the things that my husband had done to prevent our marriage from working.  All of his inadequacies, his imperfections and his inability and unwillingness to do what it would take to make it a salvageable relationship.

After all, his choices, his behavior and his lack of contribution to the solution was the “real” reason for the divorce, wasn’t it?

My friends and family were perfectly happy discussing (over and over again), how imperfect he was.  How at fault he was.  Clearly they all could see the truth as well.  Or, what I realize now, was their attempt to make me feel better by perpetuating the justification of why I made the right decision.

As I began to create my new, empowered, and “ideal” life, I began to let go of my sadness, my anger and my frustration with beginning anew, and instead, embrace it.  And as I did, with the help of my own amazing coaches and new friends, I also began to question if I had been truly honest about what really happened in our relationship and marriage. It was pointed out to me that I had never asked myself the most important question of all, what role had I played in it not working out?

And so I did.

What I learned is that it is in answering this question that the greatest amount of healing is done.  The self-exploration around how I had contributed to the dynamic of our relationship was ultimately the key to having everything I want.  And it in no way marginalized, diminished or condoned the role my husband played.  The truth; there wasn’t anything either one of us could have done to make the relationship or marriage work, for many reasons.  But I now understand exactly what I want to receive and what I want to bring to the table in a new relationship.

It isn’t easy to ask the question, “what did I do?”, because it forces us to face our own inadequacies and imperfections.  And if you did not initiate your divorce, and don’t fully understand what happened, this will be particularly painful.  I strongly recommend that you get the kind of support you need and deserve to do this self-exploration in a safe and comfortable way.

So, if you haven’t asked yourself this question, why not?

•  Is it that you feel that you, in no way, deserved the kind of treatment you have gotten from your Ex so no matter what you did, it is irrelevant?
   
• Is it that his/her infidelity or abusive behavior far exceeds anything you might have contributed so anything you did is insignificant relative to how horrible you have been treated?
   
• Or is it that when married, no matter what we contribute, there is an “obligation” to stay in the marriage and make it work?  Especially for the children?

 Here’s the truth; the greatest gift you can give yourself is to understand your role in the demise of your relationship and marriage, despite what your Ex has done.  Not only will this set you free, but it is the way to begin the process of letting go of what was to make room for what will be. 

I am in no way saying that this is easy, far from it.  But it is in this journey to understanding that true healing becomes possible.

One of the first questions that I ask every woman I talk or work with is, “So, what is it that you really want?”

No, not what you think you should want. Not what you feel you are supposed to want. Not what your family, friends or children want for you…but what do YOU want?

So often this is a question that drives the answer, “I don’t know”. And here is what I say to that; I don’t believe you.

It’s not that I think you are lying, but rather, it is that I don’t think you are telling the truth…your truth. The truth that lies deep down inside where we keep our desires, our fantasies and our passions. It is the truth that we are so often afraid to speak because we fear the consequences of it. That if we speak it….say it out loud…that someone we love won’t be happy with us, will be angry with us, will leave us or let us go, or simply won’t love us anymore.

Many of you share your truth with me and when I ask you what is holding you back from sharing it with the people in your life who are supposed to love you the most, you tell me that you are afraid of what will happen. That you are waiting for 100% certainty that what you know you want is really what you want; and that it will be okay.

Here’s the skinny; it will be okay. And, you absolutely do know exactly what you want; even if you are afraid of saying it out loud.

However, if you haven’t created relationships that are built on the complete truth of who you are, how you feel and what you want, there will be discomfort with shifting to a life that is.

• You may hurt someone you love…unintentionally.
• You may lose relationships.
• You may feel alone or insecure with finally embracing and speaking what you know you really want deep down inside.

I believe that many divorces are caused by one of the individuals within the marriage being scared to speak the truth about how they feel as they grow and evolve. So they don’t. And as a result of NOT speaking this truth, the relationship is built on a lack of complete honesty. And it is impossible to co-create an extraordinary relationship…together, when the truth is not present.

Some of us have been the ones to struggle with how to speak our truth when we know it may hurt someone we care about and that it may end a relationship.

Some of us have been on the receiving end of hearing the truth from someone we love. And it did hurt. But knowing that truth, over the long run, allowed us to move forward in understanding our own.

Sometimes this truth is cause for a marriage/relationship to end. But sometimes, this truth allows us to grow closer, to grow and evolve, and to co-create something even stronger and deeper.

What makes it even more complicated is that once we own our truth, it can be extremely frightening and difficult to communicate it in a way that is compassionate and kind. And so again, so many choose to avoid it altogether and hope it goes away. The trouble is, we, at our core, always know how we feel and what we want, even if we try to ignore it. It doesn’t go away. And there is a way to communicate our truth in a way that will get us exactly what we desire in life and in love.

Building relationships where both individuals are freely speaking their truth is the only way to have a sustainable and extraordinary relationship.

When you build a life around YOUR truth; with friends, with your children, with family and in love, you will experience a freedom, peace and harmony that you may have never experienced. All it takes is learning how to speak it.

So, let me ask you, what would it mean if you were free to live your life the way you wanted and honor how you really feel? What if you gave yourself permission to speak your truth in all of your relationships?

So, how many of you have read Fifty Shades of Grey?  If you haven’t yet, you must.

Over my vacation last week, I decided to catch up on my pleasure reading which included the Fifty Shades trilogy, and I am so glad I did.  Not because of the sex, which was fabulously fun to read, but more importantly, because the underlying messages of the book are those that are in alignment with all that I stand for.

The books, which most will say are simply erotica for the middle aged, is really a love story; and one that touches upon the very core of what effortless, extraordinary love is all about.

• Yes, the book is deliciously erotic.
• Yes, the book touches upon sexual content that is edgy and may be outside of our comfort zone.
• Yes, the book is exaggerated and extreme in its story.

However, the messages are, in my opinion, critical to the success of any good relationship.  Over the next few blog posts, I am going to share my thoughts about Fifty Shades and what it means for you as you create your new life and love after divorce.

I feel that the most significant message of the book is that things are not always what they seem. 

This is a story of two seemingly unsuited individuals who, over time, prove that they are more of an ideal fit than they could have ever imagined.

We all come with “baggage”, especially after divorce.  As a matter of fact, going through it we develop our own “fifty shades of divorce” and these fifty shades are what become part of the fabric of our lives as well as the experience that best prepares us for our next chapter.

The relationship between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele is one that allows the reader to take our own discomfort with how we think we would handle their situation and view it relative to how their relationship grows and evolves.

Extraordinary love is created when we engage and communicate with our lover/partner with curiosity and compassion.  When our curiosity about why someone does what they do outweighs our need to judge them.  When our desire to understand outweighs our need to react.

The book creates a relationship that is built on the curiosity and compassion shared between Christian and Anastasia and we watch as they question and challenge each other and their “baggage” with humor, desire and passion. 

They are each more interested in learning about each other and what motivates their actions, behaviors and words than they are about pushing each other away because of discomfort and fear.

Moving through and forward after divorce is an experience that can become   our defining story if we let it and can sometimes leave us feeling emotionally reactive and protective.

As we create and attract new relationships after divorce; with our Ex, with our children, and with new romance; leading with curiosity and compassion will ultimately open the door to extraordinary experiences.

I won’t give away the ending, but I will tell you that what happens between them is only possible because they are both willing to:

1.  Use the truth and experiences of their past as opportunities to grow and evolve, becoming a catalyst for change; and

2.  Look past the way things might “seem” with a desire to understand and to unleash the potential in each other. 

 As you move forward through and after your divorce, remember that things are not always what they seem.   There are always reasons why people act the way they do, say the things they do and react the way they do.    If you approach every situation with curiosity and compassion, you will not only discover what is really going on beneath the surface, but you will discover how to communicate in a way that will get you exactly what you want!

 Stay tuned for Part 2 of Fifty Shades of Your New Life after Divorce!

Many of you know that over the past few years I have become a passionate football fan.

There is something I love about the masculinity of it, the strategy of it, the strength of it and the excitement of it. Over time I have learned about each team, each quarterback and the strengths and weaknesses of each team. While I don’t have a favorite team, I do have a few that I like more than others and for lots of reasons.

Like many Americans, I have also been intrigued by the young rising star, Tim Tebow, who some are calling “the Chosen One”.

Not knowing much about him, I had the opportunity last week to watch a documentary about him. I was folding laundry (as I usually do on Sundays) and while flipping around the channels, I came across this special just as it was starting.

While it was only an hour, seeing his journey gave me a growing sense of appreciation for this young man and athlete, and I was taken by his courage, tenacity and commitment to his Big Vision; all mirroring my work with women moving through and forward after divorce.

Here are a few tips that I learned from Tim Tebow about creating what comes next:

1.     Set your vision and don’t take your eye off of it.

It is clear from the film that Tim had a vision of being a star football player from a very young age. As he moved farther along his career and eventually through college, he had received almost as many awards, recognitions and accolades as are possible. However, in his quest to be drafted to the NFL, he also realized that none of that mattered. Those achievements were not what would necessarily earn him a place on a major league team.

I thought a lot about this because there are parallels in this to what we experience through and after divorce. I does not necessarily matter what we had, how amazing a spouse we were or what acknowledgement we do or do not get now; what matters is to stay focused on the vision of what our ideal and extraordinary life will be. I was struck by Tim Tebow’s ability at a young age to accept his accomplishments as just that, bu t remain focused on his goals and all that it would take to achieve them. A wonderful lesson for all of us.

2.     Create your “Dream Team”, but even with them, what happens next is up to you.

Through the film you are introduced to all of the experts, professionals and coaches that Tim uses in his preparation for reaching his goal. You are also introduced to his family, especially his father and brother, who support him along every step of his journey. He makes it clear that creating this incredible team of and circle of support is essential for him to gain the information, skills and guidance that he needs to move towards his vision.

However, he also shares that while the team is outstanding; they are not responsible for getting it done. They are not responsible for achieving his goal, and in fact; he alone is.

I found this to be completely in alignment with my philosophy both personally and professionally. I believe that creating a team of experts and circle of support is essential for moving through a nd forward after divorce. But I also believe that no matter how much support we are all receiving, we will not create the lives we are meant to live unless we step fully into owning responsibility for it. If we want something, it is not only up to each of us to get the support we need, but to take responsibility for doing whatever it takes to get it!

3.     There is no shortcut; getting what you want takes tremendous strength, commitment and discipline.

Finally, Tim Tebow shows us through this film, that there is no easy way to get what we want. No money in the world, no amount of popularity and no accolades will guarantee that we will get it. The only way to create what we want and to reach our goals is to do the incredible hard work that is necessary to prepare us to get there.

He dedicated every hour of every day to doing whatever it takes. Training and then training more. Studying, researching, learning…from sun-up to sun-down, Tim put 100% of his time, energy, and attention into his vision. It didn’t matter that the public, the media and football experts around the world doubted his ability and challenged his capabilities. It didn’t matter that friends and fellow athletes were living lives much different to his. It didn’t matter that it wa s grueling work and consumed his life. In the end, he was drafted; and it was not because he was good looking or performed in college. It was because his complete dedication, discipline and mindset were focused on what he wanted.

I was humbled by his work ethic, his commitment and his ability to fight through his own and other people’s limiting beliefs and thoughts to manifest what he wanted. I had not known just how hard he worked for it and I gained a sense of appreciation for him as well as seeing the power of possibility.

When facing the uncertainty of creating a new life after divorce, it is exactly these strategies and attributes that will allow us to be open to the possibility of our potential; and step into the confidence that we can create all that we want.

I am grateful to have stumbled onto this film, it was wonderful! If you have the chance to see this great documentary, I hope you will take the opportunity to watch it!

A couple of weeks ago my son and I got into a conversation about a friend of his who wanted to break up with his girlfriend. We talked about why his friend had come to this decision and then I asked him how he thought he was going to break up with her.

He shifted around in his chair for a few minutes and said that he wasn’t sure.

At this point, I suggested that his friend, and all teenagers,  needed to talk with their boyfriend/girlfriends face to face and be calm, clear, concise and confident in the conversation.  They had been together almost a year and the relationship, and his girlfriend, deserved an honest conversation.  I also shared with him that breaking up through facebook, texting or an email was not an appropriate or mature way to end a relationship.  And since he tells me all the time that he and his friends are now “men”, that this would be a good opportunity for him to guide his friend to step fully into what a mature man would do.

He responded that his friend was afraid to have the conversation because whenever so many times she he has tried to talk with her about it, she started to cry and beg him not to do it. Then she would be “mean” to him and he felt really bad.  But my son knew that his friend was not at all happy in the relationship and that his feelings of guilt, and fear, were making this conversation extremely difficult to have.

This is far too common a theme among our teenagers today, and sadly, far too common among adults as well.

Fast forward to today and his friend did have the conversation, and she did cry.  And then it was over.

Lately, a number of my clients have been struggling with how to tell their husbands that they are terribly unhappy and in fact, want to “break up”; that it is time to get a divorce.

And I have realized that we as adults have no easier a time with the “break up” than teenagers do.  My conversation with my son was just the beginning of teaching him how to manage conflict and learn to tell someone close to you what they don’t want to hear.  A skill that is not often taught but is necessary for creating a life you want, and can have.

Difficult conversations…nobody wants to have them, but they are a necessary part of life.

Divorce is the ultimate break up.  And yet, the conversation I had with my son is almost the same one that I have with any individual who is unhappy in their marriage and has made the decision to divorce.  This is a scary, upsetting, and difficult conversation to have; but one that must be done with equal parts of calm, compassion, clarity and honesty.  These are the cornerstones of exceptional communication which will become the foundation upon which your new future, relationships and love will be built.

No one wants to look into the face of someone they have cared about or loved, and tell them something that will hurt them, anger them or cause them deep sadness.  No one wants to be responsible for making another person cry.  But that can sometimes not be avoided, no matter what. These are natural reactions to hearing something you don’t like hearing.

Difficult conversations require support, preparation and a strategy for success.  And in the case of divorce, it is a conversation that can set the tone for the entire divorce process.

They should not be had in public, on facebook, through texts or via email (unless there is danger involved).   Difficult conversations don’t have to be angry or loud to be effective.  Instead, the most successful difficult conversations happen when the person initiating the conversation remains calm and allows the person receiving to have whatever feelings they have.

Unfortunately, the fear associated with initiating this conversation can be so great that the pain associated with having it seems worse than the pain that comes with avoiding it and instead choosing to do something indirectly that will force the “break up”.  For example, having an affair, creating a magnificent argument that turns into a battle, texting it…  These actions create adrenaline which can give a false sense of courage.

Telling someone something they don’t want to hear takes courage and the knowledge that truth and honesty always prevail; which they do.

If you are struggling with how you are going to have a difficult conversation,  get support, make sure you have clarity around what you want say and what you want the outcome to be, and communicate with compassion.

Once you master the skill of managing difficult conversations, you will enjoy the reward of extraordinary relationships…and love.

For a while now I have been writing for the Huffington Post which is a lot of fun, but also fascinating.  The Huff is one of the most highly read online publications and therefore offers a huge and diverse audience with whom I can share my thoughts.

One of the things that I have found through all of the comments to my posts, is that there seems to be a feeling by many that the individual who initiates a divorce is somehow both selfishly giving up on their marriage and will also enjoy a far easier time moving forward than the person who was “left”.

Not only do I not agree with this “myth”, but I feel obligated to share my thoughts on these positions, both as someone who initiated my divorce but as a Divorce Expert and Coach as well.

So, let me be clear about how I feel.

No one walks down the aisle at their wedding hoping that they will one day be divorced.  In other words, no one “wants” divorce.

As you already know, divorce is one of those decisions that is incredibly difficult to make and more often than not, takes courage, strength and tremendous work to manage.

For me personally, my decision to divorce did not happen overnight as a means of avoiding the hard work of making marriage work.  While most of the people in my life; friends, family and community, first became aware of my marital discontent when we shared our decision to divorce publicly, in fact what they did not know, was the almost four years of counseling, therapy and hard work that we put into trying to make our marriage work.

It was a decision that took years to make and was for us…for me, a last resort.  Despite my divorce and my passion for being a Divorce Expert and Coach, I believe in and advocate for strong, healthy and long term relationships and marriage.  My parents are happily married for 47 years and I wanted more than anything in my life to have created and enjoyed the same beautiful and extraordinary long term marriage.

Unfortunately, many of us made the decision to marry when we were young and uneducated as to what we really wanted and needed in an ideal relationship.  It is not that I don’t believe in the importance of and commitment involved in creating a wonderful marriage, but rather, my Ex-husband and I were simply not a good fit.  Both my Ex-husband and I made the decision to marry for what we thought were the “right” reasons and by using what we thought were the “right” criteria.  However, looking back, neither one of us was a good fit for the other; we both made a decision that couldn’t work because of who we are at our core.

Making the decision to end our marriage, a commitment we both took seriously, was incredibly difficult and painful, for both of us.

There are so many reasons why individuals or couples decide to end their marriages.  Perhaps there is abuse (verbal or physical), infidelity, or just plain unhappiness.  No matter what the reason, it is never as simple as it seems.  Underneath all of these reasons is a far more complicated situation than anyone, including the individuals in the marriage, often understands.  That is where someone like me, a Divorce Expert, Coach or therapist, can help to understand what is really going on and move through the transition with honesty, integrity and clarity.

We all deserve to be part of a relationship that is extraordinary and getting divorced does not in any way mean that a person is not capable of or doesn’t value the commitment to a long term relationship or marriage.

As a matter of fact, it is no easier for the “initiator” to move forward after divorce and create a new and extraordinary life, than it is for the spouse that didn’t initiate.

Divorce is a significant transition that affects almost every area of an individual’s life.  Whether a person was the one to first utter the words, “I want a divorce” or not, the transition is equally challenging.

There are always reasons why a marriage ends.  And while the emotional stress and anxiety can be excessive, focusing on the assumption of blame will not in any way pave the way for either person to move forward.  Rather, it will make the situation more difficult for both individuals and any children involved.  The best strategy for moving forward it to focus on understanding and accepting the situation, and use that as the foundation upon which a new life will be built.

I recognize that it is easier said than done, but I have never found a situation where both individuals did not contribute in one way or another to the demise of the marriage, whether they were the one to initiate divorce or not.

I was the one to initiate, and yet I realize that I also contributed to it not succeeding.  I take this accountability seriously and despite the sadness of having made the decision and feeling like a failure, I have made a commitment to do whatever it takes to learn from that experience and prepare myself for new effortless, extraordinary love.

Here’s the real deal.  Walking down an aisle, wearing a wedding band, and simply living together for decades does not alone make a marriage succeed.   Nor does it “earn” either spouse the obligation to stay in a situation that is unhealthy or unhappy.  What it does mean is that there is work, commitment and a discipline involved in creating an extraordinary relationship that can withstand the test of time.  And even after divorce, that relationship is out there waiting for you!

Every situation is unique, and my experience personally and professionally has proved that each marriage and divorce poses its own complexities.  But the notion that either person moving through and forward after divorce has it easier or harder than the other, is simply not true…even if it seems that way from the outside.

What I have learned is that divorce can create a strange mixture of sadness, loss, fear, anxiety, liberation, freedom, courage and self-sufficiency…among a host of other emotions.  It is a profound and complex journey that requires less judgment and more support for all of the individuals experiencing it.

So, I feel better now that I have clarified myself.

This has been my longwinded way of saying that each of you has a situation that is unique, and that you are moving though it with grace.  And no matter what your situation is, I know that it has had moments of challenge, moments of joy, and moments of fear…and that none of us “chose” divorce be a part of our lives.

I applaud you for taking the big step of getting support through the D Spot community….I am delighted that you are here and know that you will have the magnificent future you desire and deserve.

As many of you know, I not only will be speaking at, but am also on the Advisory Board of the amazing, first ever Start Over Smart Divorce Expo taking place in New York City on March 31 – April 1!  If you haven’t already bought your tickets, do it now…I would love to meet you in person!

On Saturday I will be speaking with my mother on The Ripple Effect of Divorce: How My Divorce Affected Those Who Love Me Most and the Lessons I Learned.  She and I will explore the impact of those five little words, “I am getting a divorce” not only on our relationship, but also on my caring circle of friends and family as well.  Together we will share stories of our personal journey while at the same time presenting our secrets to strengthening these relationships through divorce.  This is the perfect workshop for any of you who have a parent, sister, or best friend who loves you and is doing their best to support you…even if it doesn’t feel that way.  I hope you will grab them and join us for a fun and special workshop!

On Sunday I will be participating on a fantastic panel, The Real Deal on Divorce. I will be joined by two of my amazing friends, Nicole Baras Feuer (co-founder of the Start Over Smart Expo) and Nancy Levin (author and Hay House Event Producer). The panel will be moderated by Stacy Morrison, Editor-in-Chief of Blogher.com and former Editor of Redbook Magazine.  We are going to talk about the things no one ever talks about when it comes to divorce!! Woohoo!!!

As the four of us began to talk about our panel and the juicy things we wanted to talk about, we tossed around, sex, sensuality, co-parenting surprises, eating for one and all kinds of other things that we have all faced on our own personal journeys.

 Our emails began flying and Stacy shared with us an article that she had written for the New York Times about an unexpected post-divorce situation.  Click here to read the article.

It is a great article, but I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel reading it.

As I finished reading it, I felt a strange mixture of happiness for her…and jealousy.  Yes, you heard me right, jealousy!

I am not a jealous person, in fact I am an advocate for peaceful solutions when it comes to divorce…all four of us are.  But I realized that I wished that I could exchange one of my own challenges for the one she talks about in the article.

She and her Ex-husband are collaboratively and peacefully co-parenting their son and although uncomfortable at times, they are leaving the door open to redefining their co-parenting relationship and navigating the new lives they are each creating.  Unfortunately, my Ex-husband and I are not.  It was once that way for us, but new lives, new loves and a variety of other circumstances have caused our initial post-divorce relationship to deteriorate.  It is not what I want and I am sad about it.

Three of the four us on the panel have children, and while we all started out with the same intention and desire to successfully and collaboratively co-parent our children, we each have faced unique challenges as we move along our journey.

I shared my reaction to the article with the group, which opened up the door for us to explore even further how though so much can seem the same; our experiences are in fact different on so many levels.  And none of us anticipated the unexpected consequences that our divorces would present.  It felt wonderful and liberating to share with each other just how much we didn’t know about what this divorce journey would be like and give each other support we need, and deserve.

I also know that we are not alone, and that each of you has a unique journey along which you are traveling.

So, I am even more excited today about being a part of this panel…it is going to be juicy, fun and fabulous!  I really hope you will find your way to NYC and join us then!!

I was thrilled to see that Oprah hosted a two hour special of her Next Chapter series last Sunday with the man who truly changed my life after divorce, Tony Robbins.

The first hour of the special followed Oprah as she experienced Tony’s signature event, Unleash the Power Within.  It was so much fun for me to watch!  About a year after my divorce, I enrolled in the Anthony Robbins Mastery University, a series of events and training that took over two years to complete.  And it changed my life.

As I sat and watched Oprah’s experience, I realized that she and I had something in common.  We both had the privilege and benefit of participating in a Tony Robbins event.

The second hour of her show was an interview with Tony to talk primarily about her “A-ha” moments during the event, which were many.  Having gone through the experience myself, I thought I would share three of Tony’s powerful messages that we both learned through our work with him and how you can apply them in your life…today.

1. The only think holding you back is the story that you tell yourself about why it can’t happen.

We all have a “story”.  Your story is made up of the many experiences you have had that together create the fabric that has become your life.  Our stories are usually true; the events and experiences truly did happen.  However, it is the meaning we choose to apply to our story going forward that can hold us back from all that we are meant to be.  It is the embellishment that we make to “the story” that speaks to us saying, “I can’t do this because”, “I will never be able to have that”, or “that’s impossible”.

For example, it is true, I am divorced.  In the same way that you may have been emotionally abused, physically abused or are divorced as well.  The facts of our experiences are undeniable, and true.  However, they are not the reason for why we can’t do, be and create our life in the way that we desire.  Our story is our past, and has brought us to today; it does not define our future.

When we can embrace our story and use its lessons to guide our future, we will have created an empowering story that opens up the world for us.

 Action Step: take out a piece of paper and put “My Empowering Story” at the top.  Then set a timer for 30 minutes and begin writing your empowering story.  Do not stop until the timer goes off.

2. It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.

Everything begins with a decision.  It is in the moment of your decision that your plan for the future will begin to unfold.  Yes, creating your destiny will take action, discipline and commitment, but it begins with a decision to do, be or create something.

When moving forward after divorce, so many individuals become stuck in the pre-decision state.  It is not that they don’t want to move forward or hope that things will get better, but they have not made an active decision to do it.

Once you have made a decision, whatever the decision, you will have set your destiny in motion.  You may not yet have figured out the “how” to make it happen, but you will have released the intention and the energy that will guide you there.

 Action Step:  on another piece of paper, write down two decisions you are prepared to make.  For each of these decisions, write a paragraph of WHY you have made the decision and what it will mean for you…and your destiny.

 3. When going through a tough time you are in what can be called a personal “winter”.  Like any other season you will not only get through it, but you can decide to grow through it.

We are in winter.  We are in a worldwide economic and financial winter; and for many of us who are going through and moving forward after divorce, we may be experiencing a personal winter as well.

What do we know about winter?  Well…we know it is a season, and that seasons always end.  Winters are time for skiing, staying warm, “hibernating”, reading, learning and preparing ourselves for when spring comes.

Winter is not permanent.  It is temporary and has an end.

When we go through our own personal winters, we can find comfort in knowing that they are temporary and we will move through them; coming out on the other side.  And while we move through it, we are not helpless.  We can prepare ourselves for the coming spring; we can set a strong foundation for growth.  This shift in perception from feeling permanently stuck to the freedom of temporary, will allow you to take action during a time when it may feel helpless.

 Action Step: on a final piece of paper, make a list of all that you can do during your “personal winter” to prepare yourself for spring.  What would it mean if you could accomplish them all?

These are only three of the profound and empowering messages and lessons that both Oprah and I have gained from our experiences with Anthony Robbins.

I have incorporated many of his lessons and his models into what I do at the D Spot and am privileged to be able to share them with you as I support you along your journey.

As you apply these to your lives, please let me know if they have made a difference for you!

Most people regard divorce as a major step, not to be undertaken lightly. No surprise there. But here’s where it gets interesting; usually, the people most hurt by the marriage, throughout the marriage, have the greatest difficulty in letting go.

Why should that be?

You’d think – wouldn’t you? – that the more criticism, humiliation and ill treatment someone receives from their partner, the faster they would call time on their marriage. You’d think they’d skip all the way to their lawyer’s office… You’d think, once the divorce was over, they’d just ‘wash that man right out of their hair. End of story.

Sadly, it doesn’t work like that.

Instead, something very strange happens. The worse the treatment was, the more likely the ill treated spouse is to become a ‘hopium addict’. This happens because of a curious, and insufficiently understood mechanism: if someone is prepared to hang around in the marriage and excuse a partner’s bad behavior, they quickly fall prey to hopium addiction.

Hopium addiction – as the name suggests – can be a very hard habit to break

From the outside, it just doesn’t make sense. You’d think someone would be able to see when their partner has stopped caring about their feelings, and their ultimate well being.

You’d expect logic to kick in, and point out to them that their partner has set the relationship on a downward spiral, which simply gathers momentum, with each hurtful episode. You’d expect them to realize that direction isn’t going to change simply because they want it to.

You’d imagine they would compare the enemy they live with, with the lover they married, and get the message that the good times are over.

But, all too often, they don’t.

Instead, they wait for Mr. or Ms. Nasty to ‘flip’ back into the person who was on their best behavior just long enough to woo and wed them. They make endless excuses for the hostile behavior, and they fantasize –endlessly – about having superpowers to, singlehandedly, stop the relationship hurtling towards disaster… Even divorce may not be enough to end their enmeshment with an abusive partner.

Why, oh why do they do it?

Why don’t they see sense?

Remember the saying: “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of” (Blaise Pascal)?

They’d call it love, of course. The truth is far more complicated than that. There’s a lot of anger, and dislike, even loathing that they feel for the spouse they can’t bear to let go of.

Reasons they can’t move on include:

Fear of failure: they tell themselves that since the marriage ended they’ve failed, and the World will see them as failures. Marriage is always a “two-hander”. One partner cannot bear sole responsibility for making the marriage work – however much the other partner projects blame and fault. The World is not privy to what actually happened in the relationship, and the World doesn’t really care. If you had the right to choose your view of the world – and you do have that right – you could divide it into Those Who Judge, and Those Who Care. Which group would you rather associate with, and give credence to? The marriage failed. Actually, you didn’t. Getting out is the only positive, successful thing you could do.

Fear of spending the rest of their life unloved and alone: Obviously, they have yet to realize they will never feel more unloved and alone than they do in a destructive marriage. They have yet to admit to themselves just how desperately unhappy they have been in their marriage. A bad marriage is a prison sentence. Once that marriage ends, the prison door is ajar, but you still have to push it open wide, and walk out, before you can enjoy the sunshine and smell the roses.

Failure to envision a better future: their unhappiness and hopium addiction have put blinders on them. As a result, they have forgotten how to dream. They’ve even forgotten that dreams are free. The ‘future’ they think they see is simply the misery of the past projected forward into infinity. In fact, once they put themselves out of the misery of the relationship, and clear the Misery Mind-set from their head – which is, actually, very doable, given the right help – Life can only get better. And they will find they have a capacity for enjoyment that may well AMAZE them.

“Axe phobia” : “Axe phobia” is the sense of paralyzing foreboding that occurs when you feel you are living with a axe suspended over your head, hanging by a thread. The fear is that if you take action, any action, it will be enough to break that thread, causing the axe to fall straight onto your head.

It’s much more helpful to acknowledge “axe phobia” and react by asking yourself some much better questions like:

• Do I know for a fact that the disaster I fear will happen?
• If I chose to overlook the disaster scenario, what lessons for the future might I learn from this relationship experience?
• What else might my foreboding anxiety mean?

You only have to ask yourself intelligent questions, instead of mindlessly listening to the old doom-and-gloom soundtrack in your head, to arrive at far useful thoughts, and conclusions.

If you’re struggling to let go of a bad marriage cut yourself some slack. It’s perfectly human – and usual, in the circumstances – to feel the way you do. Just bear in mind that doesn’t make your fears and anxieties true. Your fears for the future are simply past experience projected onto the empty screen of the future. Why not choose what you project, and start to project scenarios that will give you more pleasure – and inspire you to create a better life for yourself?

International speaker and writer, Annie Kaszina is rapidly becoming the voice of women who have been in emotionally abusive relationships. Annie helps women to stop treating themselves as second class citizens and settling for abusive relationships, so they can raise their expectations and self-worth, enjoy the happiness they deserve, and create a wonderful relationship with a quality partner. Over the last 10 years, Annie has enabled many hundreds of women to heal from the trauma of Emotional Abuse. If you’re struggling to get over the damage of an emotionally abusive marriage, Annie Kaszina can help. You can find out more here: http://RecoverFromEmotionalAbuse.com, or claim your free copy of: “The Secret Dictionary of Abusive Men” here: http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/go/