The D Spot

Many of you know that over the past few years I have become a passionate football fan.

There is something I love about the masculinity of it, the strategy of it, the strength of it and the excitement of it. Over time I have learned about each team, each quarterback and the strengths and weaknesses of each team. While I don’t have a favorite team, I do have a few that I like more than others and for lots of reasons.

Like many Americans, I have also been intrigued by the young rising star, Tim Tebow, who some are calling “the Chosen One”.

Not knowing much about him, I had the opportunity last week to watch a documentary about him. I was folding laundry (as I usually do on Sundays) and while flipping around the channels, I came across this special just as it was starting.

While it was only an hour, seeing his journey gave me a growing sense of appreciation for this young man and athlete, and I was taken by his courage, tenacity and commitment to his Big Vision; all mirroring my work with women moving through and forward after divorce.

Here are a few tips that I learned from Tim Tebow about creating what comes next:

1.     Set your vision and don’t take your eye off of it.

It is clear from the film that Tim had a vision of being a star football player from a very young age. As he moved farther along his career and eventually through college, he had received almost as many awards, recognitions and accolades as are possible. However, in his quest to be drafted to the NFL, he also realized that none of that mattered. Those achievements were not what would necessarily earn him a place on a major league team.

I thought a lot about this because there are parallels in this to what we experience through and after divorce. I does not necessarily matter what we had, how amazing a spouse we were or what acknowledgement we do or do not get now; what matters is to stay focused on the vision of what our ideal and extraordinary life will be. I was struck by Tim Tebow’s ability at a young age to accept his accomplishments as just that, bu t remain focused on his goals and all that it would take to achieve them. A wonderful lesson for all of us.

2.     Create your “Dream Team”, but even with them, what happens next is up to you.

Through the film you are introduced to all of the experts, professionals and coaches that Tim uses in his preparation for reaching his goal. You are also introduced to his family, especially his father and brother, who support him along every step of his journey. He makes it clear that creating this incredible team of and circle of support is essential for him to gain the information, skills and guidance that he needs to move towards his vision.

However, he also shares that while the team is outstanding; they are not responsible for getting it done. They are not responsible for achieving his goal, and in fact; he alone is.

I found this to be completely in alignment with my philosophy both personally and professionally. I believe that creating a team of experts and circle of support is essential for moving through a nd forward after divorce. But I also believe that no matter how much support we are all receiving, we will not create the lives we are meant to live unless we step fully into owning responsibility for it. If we want something, it is not only up to each of us to get the support we need, but to take responsibility for doing whatever it takes to get it!

3.     There is no shortcut; getting what you want takes tremendous strength, commitment and discipline.

Finally, Tim Tebow shows us through this film, that there is no easy way to get what we want. No money in the world, no amount of popularity and no accolades will guarantee that we will get it. The only way to create what we want and to reach our goals is to do the incredible hard work that is necessary to prepare us to get there.

He dedicated every hour of every day to doing whatever it takes. Training and then training more. Studying, researching, learning…from sun-up to sun-down, Tim put 100% of his time, energy, and attention into his vision. It didn’t matter that the public, the media and football experts around the world doubted his ability and challenged his capabilities. It didn’t matter that friends and fellow athletes were living lives much different to his. It didn’t matter that it wa s grueling work and consumed his life. In the end, he was drafted; and it was not because he was good looking or performed in college. It was because his complete dedication, discipline and mindset were focused on what he wanted.

I was humbled by his work ethic, his commitment and his ability to fight through his own and other people’s limiting beliefs and thoughts to manifest what he wanted. I had not known just how hard he worked for it and I gained a sense of appreciation for him as well as seeing the power of possibility.

When facing the uncertainty of creating a new life after divorce, it is exactly these strategies and attributes that will allow us to be open to the possibility of our potential; and step into the confidence that we can create all that we want.

I am grateful to have stumbled onto this film, it was wonderful! If you have the chance to see this great documentary, I hope you will take the opportunity to watch it!

Over Thanksgiving weekend I read a book that I have been wanting to read for a long time.  Called The Last Lecture, this book is a recounting of the final lecture presented by computer science professor Randy Pausch as part of a lecture series at the Carnegie Mellon University.  Randy’s lecture was titled “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”, and although he talked about exactly this, it was far more than that.

Before reading the book, I knew very little about Randy Pausch other than the fact that he had delivered an extraordinary speech before his untimely death at a young age leaving behind his beloved wife and three small children.

It was an easy read and yet, even after reading as many books on personal growth and intentional, positive living as I have, he shared a number of wonderful lessons that I have been thinking about ever since.

The one that resonates the most with me is about perseverance and determination, and yet, is remarkably simple at the same time.  Essentially, nothing that you or I haven’t heard before, but for whatever reason, his presentation of it reinforced my own sense of responsibility and personal power.

Randy says, “Brick walls are there for a reason.  They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

BAM!  What a simple and powerful statement!!

While reading this, I was reminded of just how persistent we must be when we really, truly want something for ourselves.  So often when we come up against our own brick walls, we retreat in fear, frustration or fury.  Instead of remaining committed to our goal and increasing our efforts to reach it, we view the obstacle as too big to overcome, to exhausting to deal with or too much to handle.  You know what I am talking about?

These brick walls are given to us for a reason, and provide us with an opportunity not only to grow, but to review and revise our strategy for moving forward.  It is all in the way that we view them and how we choose to respond to them.

Despite my best attempts, I too find myself occasionally giving up way to quickly and feeling frustrated at experiencing yet another roadblock.    Or, worse, taking the “low and easy road” when responding and making the situation even worse for myself.   Has this ever happened to you?

When going through and moving forward after divorce it can feel like you come up against one brick wall after the other and therefore the challenges also feel insurmountable and your dreams, vision and goals unachievable.   But it is not true!  It is only the lens through which you are looking…a lens that reflects your temporary exhaustion, sadness, fear and frustration!

Randy, through his last lecture, shares with us the gifts that our brick walls have to give.  That they are there to inspire us, to raise our bar and fight through our fears as we push forward and go out and get what we want.  His words are written so that his children will know who he is.  So that they will understand his character and the values that he holds dear.  At the same time that he helps us to reframe how we face our brick walls, he reminds us that our even greater obligation is to remember that we are modeling for and teaching our children and those we love.  How we move forward sets the standard for our children and informs their values.   How we live our life is the legacy we leave our children, our families and our community.

His message is powerful.

Randy’s book reignited a passion in me to focus on my dreams and commit to doing whatever it takes to achieve them.

Whatever your latest challenge, it will not be the last brick wall that you will be faced with.   I hope that now, when it does come, you will choose to view it as an opportunity.  And that you will not only get clear on exactly what you do want, but accept the challenge as a way for you to prove just how badly you want it!

As you embrace your brick walls, please share them so that we can all celebrate your courage, strength and perseverance!

Hurricane Irene seriously took its toll on my property.  I love where I live because I am set in the middle of the woods where there is plenty of quiet and I can get my fill of nature.  However, when Irene came whipping through, she significantly damaged my calm and peaceful property causing many of the small trees to come down and the limbs from the larger trees to rip off.

For the past two months I have been working feverishly to clear out the woods of dead branches and trees.  There are piles of logs, large tree limbs, twigs, tangled vines, and brush all over. It is a mess.

It is such a mess that I haven’t known exactly how to handle it, and in fact, have been completely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it.  But now, after spending hours and hours cleaning it out section by section, I am realizing that this process is not unlike the journey through and after my divorce.

When Irene came through, I had no idea of just how significantly my property had been affected and how long the clean up would take. My divorce, like Irene, also came tearing through my life leaving chaos and a major mess behind it.

I take tremendous pride in keeping my environment clean, tidy and pretty to look at.   It makes me feel comfortable and secure when it is nicely taken care of.  You can only imagine what living with dead trees and piles of sticks and wood all over the place has been like for me!  Especially because no matter what I do, it will never look like it did before.  The good news is that the storm was the catalyst for some long overdue property and garden maintenance that I had been putting off.

Thankfully, the lessons learned through my divorce, and now reinforced by the power of Ms. Irene, have actually enabled me to manage this cleanup in a completely different way.

Here is what you need to know about hurricanes, and divorce:

• It is going to be messy for a while.

There is no way around it.  When something as strong as a hurricane, or divorce, comes into your life, things are going to be complicated and messy even under the best of circumstances.  Looking outside my window and seeing piles of wood, dead trees, and debris everywhere is unsettling and uncomfortable for me.  My divorce was no different.  The amount of change I experienced felt just the same way…uncomfortable, unwelcome and overwhelming.  I have had to learn to get used to it because clean up takes time.  Things are not going to go back to the way they were, they will be different going forward.  My property will never look the same, but I know in time, it will look even better than before.

• It is more and harder work than you can imagine.

Cleaning up after a Hurricane is hard.  I mean really hard.  As a matter of fact, on the days that I have spent my time pulling out branches, cutting them up and carrying them to their proper pile, I don’t even have to think about getting in a workout.  It is a workout.  And it is taking a lot longer than I expected.  But, every day I see the results of my efforts.  Removing so many trees and branches is changing the look of the property.  It is getting cleaner and neater and I have already started to think about the new trees, plants and flowers that I want to add next spring.  The same holds true for divorce.  It takes time, energy and a commitment to working hard to “clean up” during and after the transition.  It is messy for quite a while.  Moving forward and reinventing your new, awesome life is going to take a lot of work.  However, the more work you put into it, the greater the results you are going to see.

• You must have a vision and plan to accomplish it.

 I can’t yet imagine what my property will look like. But here is what I know. With so many trees and branches removed, there is far more sun shining down on the house and the lawn than before.   With this increase in sunlight, I know that the grass will be greener and healthier than it has been and the plants that are already there are going to be fuller than ever.  As well, the floor of the woods should now be able to grow a rich, vibrant ground cover because there is so much more light coming through.  I know that this will not happen over the next year.  In fact, this transformation will happen slowly over time.  I will see it evolve each month and season but my full vision won’t manifest without time, and patience.  I’m sure that you can see how divorce is exactly the same.  When I got divorced, I also lost other relationships.  Again, it was messy…so much changed.   It didn’t feel “pretty” for a while, and it took a lot of work to manage the transition. Through it all I had a vision….a plan for what I wanted my life to look like.  At first I didn’t have the answers to “how” I was going to create my ideal life.  But what I did know was that I had to start someplace and I had to take action.  Step by step I moved towards my vision.

• The chaos and “mess” will evolve into something even more beautiful than before.

I have a clear vision of what my property is going to look like over the next few years, even though I can’t stand to look at it right now.  That vision includes beautiful healthy trees and a lush surrounding of woods.  It includes a lawn and landscaping that gets more air, sun and space than ever before, allowing them to prosper and mature into spectacular gardens.  I see it vividly even knowing that it will take time for that vision to occur.  The same has held true for my life after divorce.  Each month, and year, my new life has emerged and evolved.  I have gained new friendships and relationships, even richer and fuller than before.  I have enjoyed new experiences that have allowed me to grow, evolve and mature into the woman that I am meant to be.  There has been more light, love and joy than I could have possibly imagined.  But I couldn’t have seen it then.  I had to have faith and trust.  And so do you.

What a month!

Were you affected by the Hurricane?  My town and home was hit pretty hard by Hurricane Irene and I was rendered without power for three days and without cable/internet for a week, so I have been a bit behind on my writing but was eager to write this for you today!

 While everyone in my family is safe, my property sustained significant damage and unfortunately, a major tree limb fell onto my car which is now at the shop waiting to be repaired! At least it can be repaired so I am grateful!

Something happened to me this summer that I didn’t think could or would happen to me again.  I experienced for the first time in many years, the feeling of a loss of control over my life.

 It is hard for me to even write this because although I recognized certain signs of stress and overwhelm, I never really saw it coming.

 This feeling a loss of control is really just a lack of connection with my own power of intention, a power that I not only take seriously, but practice each and every day.  So, imagine my surprise when I realized what had happened.

I am sharing this with you because it is so common when going through and moving forward after divorce, to lose this connection to the power of intention and its role in the creation of your new life. 

Given this summer’s economic issues and debt ceiling debates, the recent series of hurricane, tornado and floods, and any personal challenges you may be facing, it is highly likely that you may be experiencing the same feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and loss of control.

 Have you experienced any of these feelings lately?  How have you been managing them?

 Last year I read Dr. Wayne Dyer’s amazing book, The Power of Intention: Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way.   It is an incredible book that changed my life, and I have experienced amazing success as a result of practicing intention on a daily basis.  Last week I decided to read it again to more fully understand what happened, reconnect with it, and begin to teach it more diligently with YOU!

When we lose our connection to the Power of Intention, we have essentially allowed our “ego” (which is the idea that we construct about who and what we are and what we are capable of) to determine our life path.  We therefore no longer feel in control.

I found over the summer that my ego took over completely.  Through a series of personal challenges and outside forces, I allowed myself to get caught up in my own shit; mostly drama with my Ex, kids, friends and a number of limiting beliefs…ultimately leading me to forget to practice intention.  I continued to believe in it and talk about it, but I let my actions, words and attention drift to those things that shut down the ability for this incredible power to do its magic.

What did this look like?  Great question!

 I was:

• irritable and short-tempered
• focused on the issues, not the solutions to challenges
• placing my attention on limiting factors, not abundant possibilities
• using language and words that explained why I can’t instead of why I will
• emotional
• tired and depleted of energy
• out of “flow”

 Can you relate to any of these?

If you can, then you may be experiencing a lack of connection with your own Power of Intention.

The good news is that at any moment you can reconnect with it and harness its power to your advantage. 

I am going to share more about the power of intention and how to apply it to your life in next week’s Dzine, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  It is easy to get caught up in our own ego, our own “stuff”, and disconnect from the very thing that will support us in creating this new and fabulous life.

When you learn to apply the Power of Intention in your own life, you will see dramatic results in turning your new reality after divorce into the foundation for an amazing future!

My NEW fall programs have all been designed to teach you how to apply this power to your own life, wherever you are in your journey.  Intention is even more powerful when we come together as a community of amazing women and support each other along the path to abundance. 

 I hope you will join me in one of the two teleclasses that I have put together, So, You’re Getting Divorced (for those who are just thinking about or beginning the divorce process) or Why Can’t I Get Over This (for those of you who are ready to propel yourselves forward after) and allow me the privilege of working with you.

And for those of you who are looking for a total transformation over the next year, consider participating in the Platinum Coaching program, Falling in Love with YOU and Your new Life, that is designed to radically transform all of the areas of your life!

The celebration of July 4th this year really got me thinking!

Last month, a 20 year old young man from my town was killed in Afghanistan while serving our country. Upon hearing the news, I was overwhelmed by the loss of such a young soldier and gratitude for his ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and independence.

As we moved into the July 4th holiday weekend, I found myself doing more than my usual reflecting on this celebration of independence and what that really means to me.

The more I thought, the more I found that there is a deep connection between independence, freedom and divorce. And that it all truly begins within ourselves.

From a bigger perspective, I am profoundly aware of what it means to be free and independent of a government or dictatorship that strips us of our rights to speak freely, choose freely and live the life we desire. The recent loss of this young man confirms just how fortunate I am to have this freedom and how grateful I am to have it protected.

But as the holiday weekend continued, I found myself reflecting on the freedoms I have in my own life and what exactly independence means to me.

To help me, I first looked up the true definition of independence, which is “freedom from control or influence of another or others” and from there a flood of thoughts entered my mind.

I want to share with you some of the reflections that I had as I spent time journaling and exploring the relationship between divorce and independence/freedom:

1.   I am grateful to have the RIGHT to choose exactly how I want to live my life.

During the final stages of my marriage, I was often filled with an intense desire to break free of what I felt was a relationship and life that did not allow me to live the life I truly wanted. What I have learned since my divorce is that we all have the right to live the life we imagine and deserve, regardless of circumstance. And we have the power to do exactly that.

These years since my divorce have taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to choose and deliberately create the life I want to live. Not only is it my right, but it is a choice that I make each and every day remembering that there are people in the world who do not have that choice. I am grateful for this freedom.

2.   Freedom sometimes comes at a cost.

Getting divorced eliminated the “excuse” that my marriage prevented me from living my ideal life and the freedom to create my next chapter. While my divorce gave me the freedom to choose and took away this excuse, it also put the power of “what comes next” directly into my hands. No more excuses.

Since my divorce, I have learned what it means to be free to choose and to make decisions that will shape the direction of my life. What I never anticipated was what it would mean to make these many decisions and the challenges that come with complete freedom. Having complete freedom can also come with fear, insecurity and doubt, which left me taking time to explore, understand and learn how to manage this incredible new independence.

3.   Freedom can be overwhelming and frightening.

I was unprepared for the level of fear, insecurity and doubt that would come with my new freedom and independence. It was overwhelming. I felt “uneducated” for the decisions that I would need to now make, incompetent to make them, and insecure about how to move forward.

This “freedom” that once beckoned for me was now scaring me to death! Even these many years later, armed with the knowledge, confidence and skills as a coach, educator and author…I still have moments fear and doubt as I move to design my future. Only now I embrace these feelings and use them to face my fears and take control of my own destiny.

4.   Independence is at the core of creating our new lives after divorce.

It wasn’t long after my divorce that I began to understand what “personal independence” meant to me. It was financial independence, social independence, parental independence, romantic independence, professional independence…in fact; this independence began to weave itself into self reliance.

While searching for support to understand and take control of this overwhelming transition, I decided to try out this thing called a “life coach”.  And she changed my life. Instead of facing this daunting independence and self reliance alone and overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, I now began to face each piece of my new future with a plan for taking action towards designing my new life.

5. Independence can be taught and learned.

Working with my life coach was the first step towards my “education” in deliberate creation. Having never heard these words, I could not imagine what they meant?  However, my journey began by appreciating, understanding and assuming responsibility for my freedom and independence. It was brilliant!

This “education” has not only allowed me to create the life I lead…a life of joy, happiness, fulfillment and purpose, but to share it with others through the D Spot.

My divorce was the catalyst for massive change in my life, but more than anything, it gave me the motivation to learn how to live an ideal life. And now I get to share this with you!

I know that you must be thinking that I have taking this July 4th, Independence Day thing to an entirely crazy level! And you may be right!

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves taking what has always been an ordinary and common place occurrence, and experiencing it in a whole new way. This is what happened to me this year over the long holiday weekend!

I felt obliged to share it with you in the off chance that you may be having or will have a similar experience.

If you did, I hope you will share it with me so that we can, together, move through the life changing transition of divorce and create our ultimate destiny!!!

I have a new friend.  Her name is Monique Honaman and we are absolutely “soul sisters”!  I came upon Monique while I was doing research for my second book which I am having a fantastic time writing! (Stay tuned for more information!!).  After connecting with her on the phone and yet again, feeling like we could talk for hours, she graciously sent me a copy of her new book, “The High Road Has Less Traffic:  honest advice on the path through love and divorce” .  It is fantastic!

I asked Monique if she would be willing to share a little about herself with us and so today I am excited to introduce her to you through this wonderful post about her journey through divorce.  I highly recommend her book as yet another tool in your toolbox of divorce support!!

From Monique:

I’m currently attending a conference in Las Vegas with over 3000 other women. The conference has absolutely nothing to do with divorce, or marriage, or relationships.  It has everything to do with women business owners … smart, motivated, capable, gutsy, risk-taking women who at some point in their lives took an idea and ran with it … and today are women presidents in charge of their own destiny!  It’s ‘girl power’ at its most basic element!

 Like any great women in business conference, there is a ton of time devoted to networking … and like a great group of women go-getters who have never met a stranger … the conversations quickly turn from summarizing our professional lives, and turn to sharing our personal stories.

As soon as I mention that I love to write and recently published a book, “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” I immediately find myself in conversations that I shouldn’t be surprised by anymore. As soon as I mention that my book is based on life lessons learned during my own divorce, I hear all about their divorces as well. It shouldn’t surprise me that many of the women I am meeting are in second marriages. I shouldn’t surprise me that many women joke about having had a ‘starter husband’ as divorce has become so commonplace in our society. It shouldn’t surprise me that these women are full of joy, confidence and happiness having survived, and thrived, through one of life’s toughest emotional battles!

The common theme I am hearing is one which I have been known to say in reflecting back on my own divorce: “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but in hindsight, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”  Divorce is ugly; it’s hateful; it’s painful; it’s rejection at it’s most basic form; it breaks families apart; it takes marriage vows and tears them to shreds; it reduces essentially good people to become people with low moral standards and values.   So how can this horrible thing become something which so many of these wonderful women reflect back on as ‘the best thing that ever happened’ to them?

The common theme I saw was that these women ‘took the high road’ and as painful and hurtful as their divorces were, they were determined to not get stuck in a pity party, looking backwards saying ‘what if’ and ‘if only,’ and instead chose to march forward to determine what adventures lay on the horizon.  These women all chose to let go of all the anger and bitterness which divorce naturally creates, and instead chose to take on a positive attitude. They chose to cast aside blame and hate, find forgiveness, even find some humor in the situation, and decide that forward momentum was the only way to go. All of this behavior characterizes ‘taking the high road’ and I’ve determined this factor alone is the deciding factor in women who survive divorce versus those who thrive after divorce and move on.

I love that feeling, that energy and that edge when you get a group of powerful women together.  There’s a sense that we are invincible and while we will encounter obstacles (life happens, right?), that we will be able to overcome, persevere, and turn lemons into lemonade.   It’s funny the conversations you get into at a women’s business conference. I love that we are open enough to share our personal stories with strangers at a professional venue. We aren’t alone in handling the bumps of life. Many others have been through this before us and sharing our stories, helping others to move forward, is what girl power is all about!

Monique Honaman is the author of “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” available on Amazon.com or at www.HighRoadLessTraffic.com.  Monique has survived and thrived and has made it her purpose to encourage others to take the high road where there is always less traffic! She can be reached at Monique@HighRoadLessTraffic.com;  Twitter: @highroadthebook; Facebook:  www.Facebook.com/highroadlesstraffic.

Happy belated July 4th!

So, here we are. Last week marked the halfway point of 2011 and what felt like the official start of summer with the long July 4th weekend.

I don’t know about you, but I found myself in a bit of a funk over the holiday weekend this year.

For whatever reason, my weekend had no “mojo”!  And as I took time to sit with my funkiness and reflect on why I was feeling this way, I was once again reminded of the long lasting effect that divorce on our lives.

I spent last Friday in the car driving my youngest son to a lacrosse tournament in Long Island where at the end of the tournament Saturday, my Ex took my son and returned home where he would have my kids for the balance of the weekend.

I tried to stay an extra night in the hopes that I could have a lovely holiday beach day on Sunday, but Mother Nature prevailed and I headed home only to find myself cleaning the house and doing the mundane tasks of laundry, grocery shopping, and errands….mostly feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t have anything “fun” to do!

I am fortunate to be in a relationship with a wonderful man but this was a funk that he didn’t create, nor was capable of or responsible for getting me out of. As he went about doing some of the things he loves (fishing, gardening…), I found myself feeling extremely sad.

Have you ever felt this way?

By Sunday night I had spent some time writing and was beginning to realize exactly what was going on. July 4th, Independence Day, symbolizes not only a weekend of family get-togethers and BBQ’s, but for me, an emphasis on freedom, independence and my right to live the life I imagine and deserve.

This year, with my children as teenagers and only having them half a week, I have been feeling not only their growing independence, but the resulting decrease in time that I see them, coupled with the recognition that the “right” to create my extraordinary life is sometimes daunting and frightening.

Divorce creates a tremendous amount of freedom, but that freedom can feel overwhelming and frightening.

An entire weekend to create fun and fabulous experiences and celebrations, and I had not planned one thing!!!  Well, shame on me!

After my divorce, many of my friendships changed.  Families I once shared holidays with no longer extended invitations to family and holiday get togethers.  My changing social life has required that I open myself up to new friendships and become the iniater of gatherings and celebrations. 

When my children are with me, I am more inspired to create holiday and social plans.   Without them over the July 4th weekend, I suddenly found myself without them or social plans, and I have to admit, I was feeling a bit lonely.  In fact, I was in a absolute FUNK!

Since my divorce, every so often something will trigger that sad, empty and lonely feeling that inevitably causes me to fall into a funk.   I immediately know when I have fallen into the  FUNK,  however happily, I have learned how and know exactly what to do to get myself right out of it!

So, I immediately took action!  I woke up on Monday morning, took a long and wonderful run outside, called a friend so that we could get together and enjoy the sunny day, and then she and I went out for a delicious bloody mary and steamers!

It is all about knowing what to do when we find ourselves in a funk …a funk that can cause us to remain stuck where we are…even paralyzing us from taking action.

Creating “what comes next” is not always easy, but it is ALWAYS in our control!

If you are finding yourself stuck in the sadness and fear, you are not alone.  However, you don’t have to remain there…there are great tools and strategies for pulling yourself right out of it!

If you have been feeling stuck in a funk, I hope you will consider my Summer Coaching Special so that you too can create the life you desire!!!

On Monday, May 23, I woke up, went downstairs to my kitchen and discovered that the inside of my refrigerator was room temperature.

For any of you who have had this experience, it is a huge pain in the ass. Not even 6:00 in the morning, I was already feeling my stress level rising and anxiety setting in. How early could I call the appliance guy? Would I have to purchase a new refrigerator? How much of my food would I lose?

So, I climbed back upstairs to begin my day, first turning on the tv so that I could get the news of the day. When I turned on the news, I learned that a massive tornado had swept through Missouri, leveling a town called Joplin.

My heart sank. The devastation was extraordinary. Thousands of families were now without their homes, having lost everything. And for hundreds, their lives.

In that very moment, I realized that my broken refrigerator, which felt only minutes ago like a “mini disaster” in my life, was now no big deal. In fact, a feeling of complete gratitude swept over me.

On May 23rd I was reminded that how every challenge, obstacle or moment of adversity is experienced by us is dependent upon the lens that we are looking through.

What can one minute look and feel like a monumentous challenge or feeling of anxiety, can only moments later look completely different if we CHOOSE the meaning we apply to it.

Divorce can present numerous challenges and adverse situations. Whether a result of the legal process of divorce, financial challenges, co-parenting issues, or anything else, our ability to move through these experiences will depend on how we choose to frame them.

I recognize that while a broken refrigerator does not have the same emotional response as the challenges that come up around divorce, I know that we have far more to be grateful for than we often allow ourselves to feel. And that we can move through these challenges in way that minimizes our anxiety and pain.

Issues around infidelity, financial inequity, parental alienation and other painful experiences can create so many overwhelming emotions that we have difficulty finding a lens that will allow us to view these experiences with a different perspective.

Here are three tips to help you change your perspective when faced with a challenging situation:

Imagine a situation that could be worse than the one you are experiencing. While this might sound like advice a mother would give a child complaining about being “starving”, it can actually work when faced with adversity that feels overwhelming.  Ask yourself, what is something that would be far worse than the situation you are currently experiencing?

In the case of my refrigerator, turning on the news gave me a scenario that was far worse than what I was experiencing and immediately reframed my own situation.

Tap into gratitude. During the time of my divorce I was not always good at this. However practicing daily gratitude has helped me to improve my skills and become more comfortable tapping into it when facing difficult situations. Take a moment to ask yourself, is there something about this situation that you can feel grateful for?

While the thought of purchasing a new refrigerator was not something that made me happy, I realized how I could get a new one within 24 hours should I have needed to replace it. As it happens, all that was necessary was a part replacement and my worst case scenario didn’t come to pass.

Focus on options that you have rather than the emotions of the situation. When we are faced with a challenge while we are going through or moving forward after a divorce, it is easy to allow our frustration and emotions take over. We are often exhausted and depleted of energy, which lead us to feel emotionally overwhelmed. A helpful question to ask yourself is how can you manage your challenge in the most practical and efficient way to minimize any unpleasant emotions?

Even after I had seen the news of Joplin, I realized that I still had to deal with the refrigerator issue. Instead of focusing on what was going to happen if I had to replace it and all of its contents, I made a list of what I had to do to deal with it. First I had to call the appliance company and ask them to come out as soon as possible. When they could assess the situation and let me know what was wrong, I would the n take the next step.

During times of great transition, as with a divorce, we can experience more moments of challenge than normal. What happens when we run into an adverse situation is that we see it as “one more thing we have to deal with”, rather than a unique, individual moment. Each challenge becomes one of an ongoing series of challenges instead of one, single situation that can be managed with minimal overwhelm.

Remember this, you will never be given more to manage than you can handle!

How wonderful is that!  Once you know that you can and will successfully navigate any challenge that comes your way, it merely becomes a question of energy and endurance!

What is one challenge that you can reframe and manage with ease and grace? W

hat lens will you choose to look through the next time you face a difficult situation?

I look forward to hearing your personal stories!!!