Did you ever notice that there are some people that are always surrounded by drama?
They have drama at their workplaces. They have drama with their children. There is drama with their families. The list goes on.
Do you know anyone like that?
I know plenty. And, as a matter of fact, one of my best friends is like that.
I finally realized WHY there was so much drama, and then, everything else became clear.
She has so much drama because she is LOOKING for drama.
Imagine that?! Could it be that simple?
Here’s the thing…we will always find that which we look for. It IS that simple.
There is a magical thing that happens when we choose to look for the good in both people and things. Not only will we find it, but along the way we begin to reframe how we process experiences and we discover how much begins to come our way.
So I ask you….do you look for the good?
Looking for good comes in handy when going through a separation or divorce. It will allow us to focus on what is most important and make critical decisions from a position of mutual gain.
It will also determine the quality of our relationships….ALL relationships.
With friendships, women will often assume the worst when observing the actions, words or choices of their friends. They will imply that they intended malice or are being jealous or nasty, when in most cases, it is simply a miscommunication or misunderstanding. Friends don’t often INTEND to hurt each other. If you do have a friend that intentionally does or says anything to hurt you, it is time to let that friendship go.
With our children, we can often focus on what they are NOT doing, rather than what they ARE doing. I have noticed along my own parenting journey that when I am looking for the successes in my children’s behaviors and actions, I see so many more wonderful parts of them. And, I take time to acknowledge and praise them for all of the GOOD things they are doing so that when I have to address the areas of conflict, they know how great I think they are to begin with, and can hear me more openly.
With our partner, it can become so easy to look for areas where things are NOT working, rather than seek out all the wondrous parts of the relationship that ARE. Rather than notice the parts of the relationship and person we love that are fabulous, it is common to be hyper-aware of the parts that are NOT meeting our expectations. Perhaps he has not brought you flowers or complimented you in a long time, but he has made dinner for you, taken you out to your favorite restaurant, helped you around the house or snuggled with you when you needed it.
And finally, with our Ex’s, it is critical to look for the good. Especially if you have children and if you are committed to doing everything to create a new life that is the best interest of ALL of you, you will want to master this skill. Your intention should be to support your Ex to be the best man and father that he can be, because that will benefit YOU over the long run.
When we look for the good in both people and things, we WILL find it.
The same holds true if you don’t. If you are looking for your boyfriend/partner to forget something, fall short of your expectations or do something inconsiderate, you will undoubtedly find it.
However, is it possible that there are so many more wonderful things that he is doing that you are not taking notice of?
Is it possible that your Ex is doing some things as a man and co-parent that are actually good for you or your children that you are not acknowledging?
There is a time in every separation and divorce to move forward and refrain from looking back. I do not mean to FORGET what was, but rather to set new expectations for the future and reframe the way we experience our relationships.
- You will need to reassess and reframe your friendships as this is a new time in your life. Your focus and future have evolved.
- You will need to re-establish your relationship with your children as a single mother and set new boundaries and expectations.
- You will be opening yourself up to new love and will need to approach the relationship with a new attitude and as a new kind of partner.
- You will be redefining your relationship with your Ex to that of a Co-Parent rather than that of a spouse.
All of these relationships will require you to let go of what was and deliberately create something new. And yes, there will be challenges. And there will sometimes be conflict. However, if you are committed to focusing on the GOOD in each relationship, you will far more likely to find it and be able to compassionately and articulately deal with any issue at hand!