I have noticed recently that many of my clients are struggling with what I call the Moment of Finality.
You may be asking yourself, what is the “moment of finality”? Great question.
My definition of the “moment of finality” is the moment that any relationship in your life changes indefinitely and the ‘way it has always been’…ends.”
It can be a professional relationship;
A romantic relationship;
A partnership; or
When any one of these relationships evolves to a point where it no longer serves us, and causes us enough sadness, pain and conflict, we begin evaluating whether or not we choose to remain in the relationship. This period of evaluation can last for up to years….especially when it is the marital relationship.
The “moment of finality” happens when we know in our heart…deep in our core, that the relationship is over as we know it. And that in fact, we will now need to move on…let go of “what was”.
Unfortunately, (and this is where the challenge and struggle really lie), only one person in the relationship needs to come to this “moment of finality” for the relationship to deteriorate, and eventually end.
The person who arrives at this moment of finality first will usually do one of two things:
- Choose to end the relationship and with a marriage, ask for a divorce. In some cases they have been open and honest about their unhappiness so it is no surprise, and in other cases, they experience enormous guilt and can’t find the courage to communicate. Therefore, this choice seems to come “out of nowhere”.
- Engage in a Self Sabotaging behaviors. In this instance, instead of making a choice to end the relationship openly, honestly and with respect, they act in a way that will ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship, such as having an affair, drinking excessively,….
Let’s use a less emotional experience as an example. You may work in a job that is only “okay” for you, one that is not ideal, but pays the bills. You don’t really like it, but you accept that it is not “bad enough” to make a change. However, you get called into your boss’ office and told that they are re-organizing the department and there will not be a place for you in the new structure….that you are being let go.
Even though you don’t really “like” the job and it is not “ideal” for you, you are stunned to have been fired and paralyzed with the fear of what you are going to do now. You were not ready for this relationship to end, and therefore, didn’t see it coming….even though you knew it was not the right job and situation for you.
A relationship/marriage, is no different.
Almost all of the women (and men for that matter) that I speak with at any length about their divorce, whether they initiated it or not, recognize that their marriage at its core, was NOT ideal for them.
But even knowing that it was not “ideal”, the divorce hits with such force, that we are left stunned, winded and overwhelmed with emotions. We forget that in our heart, we know that it hasn’t been a good relationship for a long time.
When we are in a relationship or marriage that is NOT ideal for us and does not support us to be our most magnificent selves, and we have done whatever we can to repair it, and it continues to be a cause of pain and struggle, it is time to let it go.
Once one person in the relationship has reached their own “moment of finality”, their focus and attention becomes letting it go and moving forward towards “what comes next”. They have already internally come to a decision to end the relationship.
However, the other person may, or may not, be aware of the process that led to their partner/spouse’s decision. And, because we are not trained to talk openly through the intensity of these kinds of relationship conflicts, it is incredibly difficult and painful to talk about them. So, in most cases, we don’t.
The difference between when the first person in the relationship has their “moment of finality” and when the remaining person does, is where the greatest miscommunications, misunderstanding and presumptions take place. It is also where the greatest pain and challenge can be felt.
And yet, it is also your MOMENT OF DESTINY…and where the journey begins to create your new and extraordinary life.
If you find yourself not understanding how your divorce happened, wondering why your Ex chose to “leave you” or you are struggling to end your marriage, be gentle with yourself.
If you did not initiate your divorce and it was not your choice, you will need to accept that for whatever reason, you were not made aware of how your Ex came to his “moment of finality” and you may never find out. Which will be hard for you, but you ARE strong enough to move through it.
If you are contemplating separation or divorce, take the time to understand how and why your marriage no longer serves you and if possible, share your journey openly and honestly with your husband…even if it is frightening to do so.
Regardless of whether your divorce is or was your choice, or not, reaching your “moment of finality” is scary and overwhelming. It is always frightening when we can’t see what comes next. And yet, that is where the greatest growth, joy and opportunities lie!
You are not meant to do it alone…get support if you are struggling with arriving at your “moment of finality” so it can become your Moment of Destiny!!!